Yes, I'm still alive :)

Hi gang :)

I know it's been a while.  Thank you for all your support, and for writing.  MIssy, thanks so much for all your care and support :)  You are wonderful - all of you are.

I've pretty much been staying in my "hard protective shell" the past few weeks; I'm truly a very typical "Cancer" that way.  I don't run; I pull inward, and stand my ground and wait.  Not sure what I've been waiting for - the world to end?  For my weight loss to magically continue?  But I didn't want my melancholy mood to infect anyone else.  I don't even know if you can call it melancholy.  Numb is better. 

I haven't been excersizing, I've been afraid to anger my new piercing.  It's healing well though, and I think I can start again today.  More likely tomorrow.  I was supposed to go back into Jenny today, but having no sleep all week, I called and said I'd reschedule - which I still have to do before they close.  I am trying to steel myself - my will - to get back with it.  I've done ok, but I did finally weigh today, and I'm up 5 pounds.  That's my limit - time to get crackin.  My pretty belly jewel reminds me that I'm never going to let myself get up more than 5 pounds again - so it's actually been worth it; I swear I can see that 5 pounds, and I feel fat and lethargic again.  Funny, as I still have a lot to lose that I would feel that way, but the feeling of euphoria as the weight was falling off me has definitely turned to omg - I have to fix this NOW.  And so close to the Onderland mark, not sure what spooked me and made me stop. 

I think about that....... I've done it before.  It's almost like I know I'll love my new body, but I also know it won't magically make anything else change.  But it will make ME feel better, and that's what I need to remember.  All the other little silly things that happen will work themselves out the way they're supposed to, but no one is going to take care of me.  That's up to ME.  And I've just sort of gone to this place of numbness.  It's not "I don't care", it's hard to describe.  I've still been watching the portions, but I'm definitely not eating enough.  Not even close.  These habits are going to be hard to break, and I have to break them.  I guess I'm just feeling tired, a little worn out.  But break is over.  I know I said that last time - ok, and the time before.  I've just let myself be consumed about everything else but me this past month, and it's time to get back to being good to myself again. 

I don't want to update my weight, don't want to see that gain on screen, but I need to.  So here we go again, and my resolve is still there.  It's just been clouded a bit this past month.  After all I have a huge concert to get ready for, and I am going to look great in that red dress.  More importantly, I'm going to be in great shape to sing up on that stage and dance for 2-3 hours.  So time to quit this now, and get back to it. 

I think sometimes, we want this weight loss to change our lives so much, that we forget, that really, it's not going to change any of the outside stuff going on.  That's why it has to be for ourselves.  It can't be for anyone else, not for a concert, not for a husband, not for a wedding - it has to be for US.  Otherwise, as we get closer to our goal, we lose steam - but also, we realize that all those things we thought would change in the outside world, didn't - and then we become dissillusioned; making it harder to keep going. 

Spend some time really going inward, and finding that reason you want to do this.  Find that small spark, and turn it into a flame.  I say this to me, as much as I say it to you.  :) 

I think we all do it.  We get to a certain point, where we start to get a bit cocky... a little overconfident.  Soon you're telling yourself I deserve a break, I've been soooo good.  Look at all this weight I've lost.  I can do it on my own.  But that's dangerous - because then you can quickly end up becoming complacent about the whole thing.  Then you start reasoning, I've come so far - I look good.  That's what I wanted, right?  No big deal, I can do this - tomorrow. 

But my friend - there is no tomorrow.  Tomorrow never comes.  So.  It's time to do it - Today. :)

Love, courage and strength to you!

Trish :)

Hello

Well said! Been going through some of that 'numbness' myself, so I can relate. Am trying to get back on track after regaining 15 pounds in 2 weeks. OUCH.

Good luck and best wishes. Hopefully we're both back on track!

Welcome Back

I am glad you are back.  ((hugs))

((((((((( HUGS )))))))))

THANK YOU SO MUCH for sending me the email.  I've been really busy (and sick, one day), so I did't see your post until today (Sunday evening).

I checked my email this evening for the first time in a while  ---  and found your letter.

I'm so sorry you have so many worries right now.  I hope things work out well - soon and things can get back to "normal" for you.  (Come and comment in my blog whenever you can  ---  and don't worry about "bringing me down."  I'd MUCH RATHER hear from you  ---  no matter what!!!  Friends are for leaning on, aren't they? !!!!!!!    Hey!  I've got a shoulder you can cry on, if you need to.

Just know that I'm thinking of you and hoping for the best for you!!!   Keep in touch!!!  Love you!   (((((((hugs))))))))

Hey there

So, have YOU called Jenny?  Just curious.  I hope all is well and that your mood has improved.  It sucks to feel that way. I know... I think most of us do.  We go through so many ups and downs on this journey.

{{{{{HUGS}}}}}