10/04/2010 14:38
week 38 weigh-in
Scale says: 112.0.
My Profile
- Name: Tetonia2
- City: Salt Lake City
- Region: Utah
- Country: United States
My Posts
My Weight Loss
| Height: | 157.5cm |
| Start weight: | 138.00lb |
| Current weight: | 125.50lb |
| Goal weight: | 112.00lb |
| Lost to date: | 12.50lb |
| Remaining: | 13.50lb |
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10/03/2010 16:58
what is your destination?
motivation is somewhat like driving in a foggy night. The destination is somewhere ahead but at the moment the arrival time cannot be determined. The path is pretty clear for the next few feet and it is easy to tell if I get off the edge of the road but I cannot see the destination or know really how close I am getting. I can use the logic that continuing forward progression will eventually get me there if I stay on the road. I can know if I am going pretty fast, or if I am just creeping along. The only illumination is my headlights, which allow me to see the edge of the road and also just far enough ahead to continue my journey safely and confidently.
So I go as far as my headlights allow me to see. And by the time I get there, I can see just a little further.
The destination is my goal. I may have a series of destinations.
The road is my lifestyle plan of healthy eating and activity. The road surface can change as I tailor the program to my individual needs. Sometimes there are potholes. Sometimes there is gravel and it is a bit bumpy. Sometimes it is fresh asphalt, whisper-smooth and delightful to traverse. Sometimes there are fenderbenders with stuff that comes up in my life and I may limp along for a bit before the insurance kicks in and I return to 100%. There may even be a detour for a few days or weeks through difficult circumstances and I must watch for the signs that direct me back to the proper direct route to my destination.
Just off the edge of the road are less optimal choices. They continue along my road, every inch of the way. They make the going much, much more difficult if I stay there very long because I am not moving forward. Like a beautiful garden, the edge of the road beckons me to wander over. It may feel pleasant to stop and enjoy the host of delights - a fast food meal, a slice of cake, a day away from the gym. I may desire a momentary resting place along my journey with the change of pace for a meal or a day, a needed break from my activity schedule. However, If I wander far enough off the road or stay there long enough, I may get on a different one, a road that does not lead to my goal, but rather to places I have already been and don't want to return to.
The headlights are my motivation and determination, my trust in myself that the destination can be reached by me. If I turn the headlights off I can still reach my goal. It is still out there. But it will be much, much harder if I can only feel my way or see just a single step in front of me, thus creeping along. It is easier to wander off to the side of the road for a few steps before finding the pavement with my feet again. I may feel discouraged and alone if I choose to turn off my headlights. In the darkness I may even stop believing that the road actually goes to my destination and stop moving, or I may get off the edge and move to a different road in frustration or apathy. With the headlights on I cannot see that much further, but I can easily see the side of the road so I stay away from the edges.
One step at a time.
10/03/2010 08:41
I walked 500 miles today
..or so it seemed. My daughter and I joined J and his grandson for a day at the local amusement park. It was a push out of my comfort zone, as I am not fond of rollercoasters. I road more coasters today than the rest of my life combined.
On the biggest, I just could not look at all and kept my eyes squeezed shut tight and J laughed and laughed. We were there for five hours wandering about, a pretty slow day, not long lines. I am so tired. I wish I had worn my pedometer for the sake of curiosity.
It is Frightmares and we did stand in line for probably 45 minutes for a haunted house which was not very haunting. One of the characters did manage to startle J, which made me giggle.
Food not too bad. I am so thirsty. We didn't carry drinks.
Brek: Frosted Mini Wheats with milk
Lunch: 5 bites of a Subway roast beef and a few Doritos
Dinner: Wendy's 1/2 apple chicken salad and a small chili
I am starving.
10/02/2010 18:45
but the pie was calling my naa-ayme!
A most interesting day. Yes, most interesting.
Food:
Breakfast: Fresh (well, kinda fresh) peach
Lunch: One-half chicken salad on croissant and a small pack of potat chips
Dinner: Salad greens with 1/2 cup vegetarian refried beans, 1 oz shredded cheese, and 1/4 cup guacamole/sour cream.
Snack: Village Inn Triple Berry Pie with a scoop of chocolate ice cream
Gym time: Oh, so weary. I did my 2 miles in 40 minutes. Not really intervals, some some minutes of running 5.0 and 6.0 MPH. 30 crunches, did weights for legs.
i had wanted to blog this last night and so turned on my laptop in bed. Woke up at 4 a.m. sitting up in my bed, light on, glasses on, Fuhhh... This morning I am at work, hoping that I get fantastic money and it is super slow so I can think.
The other shoe has dropped with D, as I felt it would. He asked me to lunch, which I accepted. He called in the a.m. to make sure we were still on. Yes, I am still planning on it - 11:30 is good. Oh, he thought we were going to have more time. Well, it gives us 2 hours for lunch, how much more time did you need? He wanted to drive up to Snowbird. Then you should have been more specific cuz I have to be to work at 2.
So then D says to me, "Are you planning to come pick me up?"
Me pick YOU up? Hell no! You asked me on this date, get your arse over to my house to gather me up or I will meet you at the Arby's 3 minutes away just long enough to inhale a burger.
He KNOWS I have work, and lots of it, and taking even this 2 hour block of time is a luxury I will have to make up for over the weekend. On the other hand, he ONLY works a 2-8 pm shift and has all morning every morning for personal time. So, in the middle of my day, I am going to spend 20 minutes driving across town to his apartment to pick him up, so we can spend another 20 minutes getting to where we are going, and then do the whole thing in reverse in lunch hour traffic. ...eye roll....
So, cutting to the chase, over sandwiches at a tiny street cafe...
D: What do you think about where we are at? About us and our future?
Me: You are in an exclusive relationship with GF. There has been no "us" since May. You said you needed space, you didn't want to break HER heart, that I was too complicated. A month ago when you said you felt guilty seeing me at all, that I was unhealthy for you, I let go emotionally. There is no "US" and hasn't been for six months.
D: We have both said things in the heat of the moment we didn't mean.
...and which of these statements have been in the heat of the moment, sir? Most of this has come to me through emails or text messages. They were not said in anger or duress.
Me: You are with her, not me. You made a choice. I have let go. We are good friends. There can be nothing else.
D: Friends come and go. I don't want to be friends. Besides, I am not with her any more.
...ahhh, so she has dumped you at last....
Me: Until this moment I would have had no way to know that your status has changed.
D: I can't be with anyone else because all I think about is you. She WANTS to get married but it is not fair to her. I am still in love with you. I love you more than I loved my first wife.
....With whom you lived 20 years and had six children...yeah, right.
Me: I am not ready to get married. It has been six months. You have moved on. I have let go. Being single and without anyone else to rely on these last months has been good for me. For the first time in my life I have found I AM okay by myself, that I can trust my instincts, that I can take care of me without help. I have confidence that I have never had before. It is making me a more well-rounded person. I am able to say what I want and stand up for myself much easier than before. And right now, It is best for me to stay single and self-sufficient for a while longer, so I don't want to step back into an exclusive relationship.
D: Being independent isn't necessary. You have me to help you. God wants us to be married, not be single. You were already confident so you don't need to learn all of this.
Me: I have had a hard time speaking up for myself all of my life. I am learning skills right now that will help me when I am ready for a relationship again. It is important that I be able to communicate what I want and find compromise, not just give in all of the time.
D: We compromised on a lot of things. You shouldn't want to be single. You know we should work things out.
...and you just made my point right there, that you know better than me what is best for me. Even when I am clear with you about my needs and my point of view. And your attitude is that my point of view is just WRONG and you know best....
Me: The other issue we face is still my family and children, and that you really don't like my kids. You don't like me spending time with them. I feel caught in the middle. I want a relationship for me and time with my family. I should be able to have both.
D: Kids move on. It isn't important. You should put yourself and US first.
Me: I am the custodial parent of a teenager, who has the right and the need for daily interaction with me. I want 20-30 minutes a day to interact with my child. It is important. You make me feel that I am taking away from us to do this and it is hard on me. She feels neglected and unimportant when all she gets is 5 minutes a day.
D: I always feel like I am in last place with you and the person of least importance in your life.
Me: I have always given you 90% of my free time and you know it. I have a responsibility to my child. When we were together, you felt 5 minutes a day with her was sufficient, and it is not enough for me. Your children are grown and married. It is different. A child at home requires time and attention.
D: You completely misunderstand me. I have never told you that you can't spend time with your family. But I always feel unimportant.
Me: But you agree that I give you nearly all of my free time! How does that make you last in my life? My kids didn't feel important at all because I was with you so much. They knew I loved them but just didn't want to come around and be ignored. My relationships with them have been strained. I love my kids and I want to spend time with them when they can get together. It should be okay.
D: I do want all of your time. I love you. You should want to be with me. My kids don't ever want to hang out with me either. We should make us be important because kids, they just do what they are going to do. They grow up and move away and live their own lives.
....and again, I tell you my point of view and you tell me I am just f***ing wrong. No acknowledgement. Just D's way is best. D doesn't have to listen or compromise. D is who is important, I feel completely unheard.
Me: I am not stepping back into an exclusive relationship with you right now. If you want to show me it can be different, that the last two years has been a big miscommunication, then I am willing to give you time with me again.
D: I don't want just a Monday night date. I want to sleep with you and hold you in my arms. I want to get married.
Me: And I am not ready to get married right now and I don't know when I will be.
And with that I went home. D had asked me what I was doing for the evening and I told him I would be at the gym burning off some stress.
A text from D: Want to go to the Sugarhouse Golds with me after work?
Our lunch conversation had also touched on my personal scheduling for the last few weeks. He said I was hard to get hold of... was there something else going on in my life? This, despite me telling him my cell phone is hammered and I am missing calls and messages regularly. Despite me telling him numerous times I am buried in work because the system went down twice for two days. Despite telling him one of my doctors, who had been on vacation for a month, had just come back and was picking up his patient load. It was a thinly veiled attempt to ask if I were dating someone, which is absolutely and positively none of his business. Especially since he feels his personal dating life is none of my business and has told me so.
So why he thinks I want to drive 20 minutes across town to go to the gym with him escapes me. Please notice he did not offer to accompany me to MY gym, which is 5 minutes away. No, drive acrosss town, and then you will be right by my apartment for a little one on one. Because he doesn't want to come to my house, my teenager is home and so no sex would be happening.
I don't like drama or confrontation. I already had a date with J for the gym. It is none of D's business to know that, and I am not going to give him anything to wonder about.
Me: I need time to think about what you said today.
J was going to pick me up about 8 pm, right after work. I got changed, At 8:05 doorbell rang. It was the neighbor kid again, goofing on me. No one was there.
8:12 doorbell rang. J had sent me a text at 8:05 and it takes about 10 minutes. I picked up my keys and drink, opened the door. Just about to say, "Hi J!"
AND IT WAS D STANDING THERE.
I am thinking, no...no...no...get the hell out of here...I don't want this. D handed me a letter and said, "Air mail." And he turned and walked away. I watched. Please J, don't be getting out of your car. Don't be here.
8:15 doorbell rings. It is J. Whew. Thanks angels. I really didn't want to deal with that potentially volatile situation.
I told J I would like to go to another gym, not my usual location. He picked up on the nuance. I briefly explained the situation. He was cool about it. He asked about the timeline, six months apart after nearly 3 years together. Yes, I have dated a bit recently.
After our workout we went out for pie. After this entire situation, I had earned each delicious bite. As we visited, J told me in that the last six months he has dated a lot, a very great deal, but has had only a very small handful of second dates and no third dates. He likes me.
10/01/2010 08:34
and yet another leaf
Got my butt to the gym. 30 minutes treadmill time running my arse off and went 2 miles. It am doing intervals again, 2 mins walking at 3.3 MPH and 1 min at 5.0 or 6.0 MPH. Did some serious weights and I can't move my arms. J picked me up, we ran together for a while, then he went and did some weights. I told him I was planning to return again on Friday night and if he wanted some motivation he could join me.
Food today a bit scarce.
2 scrambled eggs
1/4 vida loco chicken salad
taco bell chicken flabread sandwich after the gym
Took my vitamins and stuff.
Went on a date with Y for lunch, the latest from Plenty of Fish. OMG hot, hot, hot. 6'2", 210 lbs, solid muscle. Lively banter with tonnes of innuendo. Confident, slightly cocky. I am not sure if he wants a hot thing on his arm or if there is a true gentleman under the attitude. Definitely a come-on to me. I knew from the moment he said hi at the restaurant door he was going to kiss me after. So he is at my car, practically taking my clothes off. I thought I heard a couple walk by and say, "Get a room".
Of course he wanted to see me again tonight, and since that was a no, he wanted to see me over the weekend, which will also be no. He asked if I already had a hot date and I just smiled. Then, get this, he looks me in the eyes and says, "Are you ready for this?' and I am thinking...ready for what? Bring it on, guy. You think you have a live one at this moment - just give me time. And no, I am not swooning over your blantant sexuality. Charm me. And you better bring your patience.
So from lonelier than hell two months ago to four guys wanting my free time, I have been one busy girl the last couple of weeks.
D is busy making himself look like a complete ass. He sends one word text messages when he thinks I am ignoring him for too long. Stuff like, "Well?" or, "Is your phone working?" Tonight he wanted me to come for a sleepover. That would be a big no. "I am taking my naked body to bed." he says, pouting.
09/30/2010 17:31
One new leaf, as it were
Last night I went to the gym and was amazed at how easy it was to run intervals of 2 mins at 3.3 MPH and 1 min at 5.0 MPH. The final five minutes I ran at 5.0 without stopping for the final half mile. I was sweating and winded at the very last but it felt so good! I also did some weights, pull ups, sit ups, and some general stretching.
I don't want to say "I'm gonna do this without fail!" However, I really didn't want to go to the gym last night and I just did it anyway, and it felt so good when I got done. I was able to keep it to an hour.
Pretty, impressive, huh! Of course, there are a lot of leaves unturned still. Each day, a leaf.
Yesterday I read where Jools said she has basically not missed a gym day in the last couple of months. It got me started thinking...why what I want to do most continues to be placed at the bottom of my list, and is even being superceded by such things as "I wanna sit on the couch and veg..."
I have had exchanges with two other people this week about my level of activity.
Last Thursday night I went with J to the gym for a raquetball lesson and also did a couple of miles on the treadmill. He stopped by on Tuesday and asked how many times I had been since last Thursday. Well, none, actually. I really hated admitting that truth.
Later in the day I had a lively exchange with my luscious M.
M: Would you like to hang out this evening?
T: Hi - sounds nice.
M: Let me know when you are free. I need to feed myself and hit the weights.
T: Let me know when you are fed and exhausted. I am off at 8.
M: Yes, Ma'am
T: Hahaha...funny, Mr. M.
M: I thought so
M has offered several times to help me put together a workout program to kick my ass and that night offered again. He is so active, and he is a guy, and I know he has absolutely no clue what it is like to be a sedentary 45 year old woman. However, I would like to push myself hard and see some progress.
J wants more time together. At the moment I don't want an exclusive relationship with anyone (Not even M...gee...hard to admit that). He called me late last night and sounded disappointed that I had not told him I was going to the gym. So I told him I am planning to be there most nights. "Would it be okay with you if I show up?" Well, sir, it's a gym you have a membership to, so you don't need my permission to go.
I will push harder with an audience and it might give me a bit more motivation all the way around. Yes, guys, bring itr on!
As M and I talked about a bootcamp type workout, he asked me what I weighed. I told him 111 pounds. His response? "Wow, I would have thought about 95 pounds. Well, I can help you change that".
95 pounds is unrealistic. I like my tits. But I am certainly still carrying around a higher percentage of body fat than I would like, and my goal is to increase my muscle mass (bone density) strength, and flexibility.
Many years ago I was seeing a guy who was a gym rat. I was in good shape at 95 pounds. A bit on the thin side. At the time I was managing a warehouse and running around all day long lifting heavy boxes. He told he I could add some muscle and look and feel even better. I remember him saying, "I like my women tiny and strong." That is what I want to be.
09/28/2010 20:29
The scale is my best friend today
I like my scale today. 111.2 pounds. So what if I am dehydrated. It is under my goal. I wish my legs looked better. And I know what needs to happen for that to happen. Motivation.
09/28/2010 08:15
the ducks in a row
- Munched a granola bar
- Took my acidophilus, kefir, and iron.
- Cup of roasted potatoes with a lot of salt and sour cream
- Slice of nasty white bread with a lot of peanut butter
- Big spoonful of hot fudge sauce from the jar
Not exactly health promoting. I had a few better things to eat in the fridge and just didn't want to eat them. Grapes and an apple, eggs, spinach, beets.
I think I have made my decision for an iPhone. And now that I say that I think I want the Samsung. I dunno.
J and I did a long texting session tonight, me egging him on, him egging me on, until I sent a very explicit message. Now I am retreating back into quiet demeanor. I really don't quite understand why I do this when I want something different from a guy. It is the need for instant gratification. I want the whole thing NOW. I want the security of a relationship.
I sent Poliwog an email on Saturday night and he has not yet answered back and I am disappointed. However, three of the four guys I put on my favorites have sent me an email. One has sent two. It is too soon to read them. It's like self-imposed Christmas. I may read them anyway. D has not sent me a text since Sunday night.
09/27/2010 15:37
week 37 weigh-in
Finally, a weigh-in to love. Scale says: 112.6.
It was a busy weekend. No junk Sunday. Healthy food.
Brekkie: uhhh...nothing.
Snack: granola bar
Late lunch: 2 cups squash and onions
Dinner: 1/2 cup potatoes with a dab (wink!) of sour cream and 3 ounces roast beef
Not enough to drink. I spent several hours driving and my daughter drank my large bottle of water for me. LOL!
Son came over and helped me with my house. I have a handrail on the top staircase now so safety has finally been achieved. No more possibility of swan dives from the top of the upper staircase to the bottom of the lower one!
My legs ache. I really want to go walking.
09/26/2010 17:49
and the world goes round and round and round
Up early Saturday morning for a change.
Breakfast: Niibbles at the Farmer's Market, 1/2 peanut butter cookie dippied in chocolate from My Dough Girl booth,
Snack: Fresh peach.
Lunch: scrambled eggs with spinach and tomato
Dinner: Salad with grapes and feta cheese
Snack: Root Beer float
J picked me up at 8:30 and I went to Whole Foods for cocnut water kefir and acidophilus. Then we stopped at the big Farmer's Market in downtown SLC and wandered the stalls. A lot of fun, looking at art, tasting strange food. My Dough Girl cookies were there and we shared one. Then to his condo for breakfast. I enjoy his company.
I spent the afternoon with my daughter who is here for the weekend. She got a horrible haircut - I didn't dare tell her how horrible = but it will grow. She got a third set of piercings in her ears. I talked to AT&T about the new Samsung phone versus iPhone and now I just don't know what I want because each phone has a feature I really like.
My brother and his GF stopped by to play games last night and brought root beer floats. He had found something fun but it was rather complicated. We played a round of Clue instead and laughed and giggle.
Of course, they wanted the low-down on my dating life. Bro keeps reminding me to just look at it as a date and nothing more than that. That I am the one who controls the pace and the activities. To "be the prize" and not be too available, too quick to respond, too openly "in like". And to date two people at once so I don't get all wrapped up in someone.
Today I had the thought to remember what dating was like when I was a teenage., I dated a lot of boys in high school, often someone different each month. I need to look at dating as a social life, as friendship, and nothing more until twoo wuv hits me squarely between the eyes.
To that end I responded again to another interesting fellow I have been emailing on POF. He is a single email away from my phone number. I also picked four more candidates from my matches and added them to my favorites to see if anyone responds in the next couple of weeks.
Today I am working until noon. D wants to get together to go to the swap meet this afternoon but I am unsure that I want to go. He also wants me to go out of town with him next weekend and I am sure I don't want to do that. I know at this point I am going out with him for the sadistic pleasure of it all. I don't love him any more, not like I used to. He is simply a long time friend.
So...we shall see what happens with this afternoon. J wants to see me again but it is too soon. We were texting late last night, he also called me last night. I answered but we talked only for a moment, as Bro walked in the door right at that moment. He is angling for a seduction scene here as quickly as he can make it happen, that has become obvious. So it is for me to slow that down and make it be fun to not hop into bed for the next 60 days. Cuz I want a really great boyfriend before I commit to a relationship that includes full sexual intimacy again.