Writing Myself Thin

journal of a foodie

My Profile

  • Name: Tetonia2
  • City: Salt Lake City
  • Region: Utah
  • Country: United States

My Weight Loss

Height: 157.5cm
Start weight: 138.00lb
Current weight: 125.50lb
Goal weight: 112.00lb
Lost to date: 12.50lb
Remaining: 13.50lb

My Calendar

27
May '12
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My Photos

Before After
Really Simple Syndication
09/25/2010 06:53

big smiles

This morning scale said: 
 
112.8
 
It is not an official weigh-in but perhaps I am moving down just a litle again. 
 
Gym, Tetonia, GYM!!
 
Food today: 
Lunch with D at Subway, 1/2 of a tuna on white. 
Baked beet
4 ounces roast beef
Brownie
 
I gotta get food whipped back into shape again.  I have been doing my vitamins better. 
 
Tomorrow I have a breakfast date with J and we are grocery shopping together.  Should be interesting. 

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09/25/2010 01:23

actual...gasp...exercise

Food yesterday: 
3 ounces roast beef
Salad with blue cheese dressing and grapes
2 cups steamed butternut squash with a little butter and brown sugar (1 teaspoon)
Midnight snack:   Brownie
 
I slept in till about 9:30 and just wasn't hungry for breakfast. 
 
I went to the gym.  20 minutes of learning to play racquetball with J, followed by 30 minutes on the treadmill and did a little more than 2 miles.  It was a fun date/work out. 
 
We went back to my house and visited for an hour, laughed and it was nice.  He is out of town next week with work and wants to see me again before he leaves. 

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09/24/2010 03:23

And in the Bigger PIcture

Frustrating day. 
 
Food yesterday: 
1 cup squash with 1 cup butternut squash soup.  It is always too salty so I like to add more squash to it. 
 
Dinner with J at Olive Garden again.  this time a large salad, 1 breadstick, and about 1/3 of  a plate of chicken fettucini. 
 
Snack:  Brownie
 
Heated exchange with 17yo DD who thinks that money grows on trees at our house.  She graduates from high school this year.  I told her I would not use LifeTouch for her senior portraits - they wanted $120 sitting fee to just put her picture in the yearbook with no prints, and packages started at $350.  This is insanity!  I am a great photographer and she knows it.  We can go out and do whatever she wants on location for free.  Or we can hire a reasonable photographer and I would go $100 for pictures and prints. 
 
Then we went over her graduation packet.  I was all prepared to do the smallest package until I realized that the $120 was not all inclusive with her diploma, cap and gown, and 25 announcements.  It was JUST 25 announcements.  What?  I told her we could purchase the official school announcements for $1 each from Jostens, and then print her own cards with the computer and add her own inserts.  Certainly we can come up with name cards, seals, return address labels, and tissue inserts for less than $4 per announcement.  She just wanted the package.  Said her dad would put $300 towards her graduation costs but was planning to put that on a class ring which cost more than $300. 
 
So round and round we went.  She just wanted it all, just like her friends whose parents have two income households, three car garages, and timeshares.  She wanted the annuoncements in the "special package" with "special gold sealing stickers and return address labels" and I  was NOT paying $5 a piece for graduation announcements.  Period. 
 
Finally I told her that the budget was $300 from me for graduation and she could do with it what she wanted.  If her dad would give her more then great.  I would be happy to help her find inexpensive alternatives.  In the end she backed down and ordered 25 announcements, no frills.  And no ring, but I think she is going to get that after all with her dad's help. 
 
I hate nickel and diming with my child.  She just doesn't seem to understand that things are different now without D paying half the bills.  A year ago I would have just...No, I would not have paid $5 a piece for graduation announcements.  That is just silly.  She needs to learn to budget and economize where practical. 
 
All of this to say that I stayed away from the brownies and did not cry, well, not very much.  I wish I could give her the world.  I wish that a few hundred dollars didn't matter.  But the Blazer has got to have new tires before winter or she will have no traction to drive back and forth to school and her internship every day, and I just put $850 more into it a few weeks ago, and none of this was budgeted for.  Sigh. 
 
I have been thinking about a new cell phone.  Mine is three years old and is starting to freeze and glitch, a Samsung Blackjack without a data plan.  Now with this it would not be a great time in her eyes for me to purchase a new phone.  I would really like an iPhone but...I will just stay tethered to me wall charger 100% of the time to keep it running for another few months.  Of course, DD will not remember that she has had three new cell phones since I got a new one.  Good thing I love you, kid. 

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09/22/2010 15:59

shaken, not stirred

Food yesterday:  Arrggg. 
 
No breakfast. 
chewable vitamin C x 5
No lunch.  See where this is going? 
1 cup of leftover stroganoff on pasta with peas around 5:30 pm
1/4 of a soft pretzel while playing billiards around 9 pm
Fuzzy navel and a small brownie at 10:30 pm
scrambled egg with english muffin midnight
 
The egg and toast were because I got so shaky from the sugar in the drink and brownie.  I haven't gone into a hypoglycemic low like that for a long time, sweaty, shaky, nauseous.  At higher weights the hypoglycemia symptoms had been pleasantly absent for several years.  I have been thinking for a while that more regular meals are more important now than ever and this is why. 
 
I believe in the power of intention.  Harking back to my previous post about being lonely, a couple of weeks ago I put a note on my wall, a want ad stating my request to the Universe for a boyfriend.  I am doing my part by putting myself out there with an open mind and actually dating.  Well, a pretty open mind.  So yesterday I was considering my note, and decided to tweak my intention energetically by lighting a candle under my note for a few days or weeks. 
 
No sooner had I lit the candle, and I mean, I got the candle, lit it, and went back to my desk.  Text message had popped up.  From whom, you may wonder? 
 
From D. 
 
So - in an open mind - I responded positively to his message, and he asked me out for a lunch date, which I could not do because of work, and gracefully declined.  And we then proceeded to have a bit of an argument via text messaging.  In the end it was like he "got it" or something and settled back down out of his defences.  Said that he missed me so much and still had feelings and knew I did too .  And then asked me to go for a walk last night. 
 
I was so tired of being in the house and I really wanted company, any company, so I decided - in an open frame of mind - to say yes, and he picked me up, my stringy hair and no makeup self, after work.  We played billiards for a while and it was fun.  Went back to his place for an hour of TV and of course he started putting the makeout moves on me, which I resisted, and in which he persisted, until I got so shaky that even he had to notice there was something really wrong and we stopped. 
 
To be honest, part of this whole thing for me was to teach myself that I can indeed spend time with a man and NOT have sex and enjoy that very much.  I don't want to have a long string of hook-ups any more, just some touching and cuddles, and I see that with the proper frame of mind  going into it, this is indeed possible.  Even with D, with whom I know all too well what I am missing out on physically and he knows what buttons to push and what to say. 
 
And then he said..."I still love you very much".  And I don't know what to say back to that.  I miss ya, dude.  But nothing has changed and as far as I know you are STILL seeing that GF of yours so...nice of you to share. 
 
So I put my shirt back on and he fixed me an egg and toast and I got feeling better.  He wanted me to stay over.  "You can work from my office..."  But I reminded him I didn't have my pass key with me (and why would I?) so the system would block me from logging in on his machine.  I must go home, 6 AM would come way too soon. 
 
So I came home and was planning to listen to a chakra clearing on my computer, turned it on, and fell asleep before I got it started.  And woke up at 5 AM, sitting up in my bed, lights on, glasses on, computer on... 
 
The reason I did this was Boundaries.  That I can set my limits and my boundaries and have friendships that don't extend beyond what I feel is appropriate.  This makes it easier for me to just keep going towards that intention, that I want to have a great BF to hang with and enjoy being with.  Don't know who it is, or if we have even met yet, but it will happen. 
 
Today I feel stronger emotionally for the experience of last night.  Not vindictive.  I didn't tell D why I would not proceed further than I did.  The exchange for me was pleasant and good.  He came back around in response to my text telling him he was out of line, and he backed down for the first time and apologised.  This isn't going to get us back together but it is empowering to me to communicate.  It also pulls me back out of this bit of a funk about M and how much less my relationship is with him at this point than his original enthusiasm portrayed, and to just allow things to flow with him, with J, and with whomever else pops up along the way. 
 
If this doesn't make sense to you, it does to my strange mind, and that is all that matters.  Off to take a nap for an hour and then a shower and breakfast. 

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09/22/2010 04:03

o crabby one

Today I feel just downright ogre-ish.  Bitchy and unwanted because I feel so bitchy. 
 
It is because I am lonely.  J has been texting me a lot.  Too much.  We have only gone on only one date.  He has like all the free time in the world and it is hard for me to juxtapose my life against that kind of freedom.  Jealous ogre in me revolts.  I am planning to see him again this Friday and see what happens next. 
 
On the other hand, M rarely texts me and I miss it.  I don't know why I like him.  I won't try to go into his head.  His demeanor is very casual, so much less uptight than any person I have ever met. 
 

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09/19/2010 19:30

week 36 weigh-in

scale says: 115.4 pounds, and that after saying 112.4 all week long. 
 
TOM started yesterday, along with the Friday sodium-fest.  At least it wasn't what it registered late last night, which was 117.2. 
 
I have been drinking a lot of water and am planning on a lot of vegetables this next week to get the water retention off.   
 
Yesterday was a binge day, to the point of feeling sick.  I made a cake and ate most of it.  I haven't done that since the cheesecake episode in the early spring. 

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09/19/2010 01:45

salting the wound

I went to Olive Garden for lunch yesterday.  I had the salad wtih two breadsticks and a dish of chicken gnocchi soup.  Today I input the nutrition information into DP for a looky-look at my day.  The only other thing I ate was a piece of cake late in the evening. 
 
Sodium shocker!  That meal was 3800 mg of sodium and waaaay more calories than I had imagined...about 900 calories.  For a dish of soup and salad?  And two breadsticks? 
 
My feet are puffy.  I am gruntled.  But it tasted good. 
 
Today I have a roast in the crockpot.  I am unsure that it will be edible but we shall see.  I cooked some butternut squash and beets in the oven and put some potatoes and carrots in with the roast.  The potatoes are done but the roast seems not too tender so it is still cooking away...maybe a few more hours.  I don't know the first thing about a roast.  I pulled out the vegetables a while ago.  This is cook-ahead stuff.  I also got some salad prepared and in the fridge. 

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09/18/2010 07:07

spectacle spectacular

 
 
Finally got a pic that I like with my glasses on.  I am loving that my face is much less round than it was a year ago. 
 
I went on a lovely lunch date with J.  Very pleasant.  Olive Garden soup and salad.  I had two breadsticks and the creamy chicken soup, with a big glass of water. 
 
He asked me out again two hours later for the evening, which I graciously declined.  He has since sent another text asking me out some time this weekend. 
 
I have enjoyed a piece of cake and a glass of water.  Probably should go to bed, it is getting late.  I face another weekend with no car.  Gotta love that child! 

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09/14/2010 04:02

the endless cycle of insanity

My posts here keep doing the same old, same old.  Thinkiing about the same stuff. 
 
1)  I hate my job
2)  D is still doin' his thing and wanting me to do it with him
3)  Haven't made it to the gym today
 
So.  No more posts about junk like that for a while cuz then I just stay focused on the junk. 
 
Food yesterday.  Where to start!
Leftover pasta salad with feta cheese and veggies...so yummy!  and I cooked up a beef patty from the freezer.  What is up with that?  Put steak sauce on it and my lovely daughter ate most of it right out from under my nose.  It made such a spattery mess all over the stove and counter so I made her clean it up for me.  Next time I probably ought to grill on my George Forman grill to cut down on the ucky mess. 
 
Then I baked both an acorn squash and a butternut squash because I could not remember which I liked better.  Had some of that.  And it is butternut I like better. 
 
Then I was super snacky so I pulled out a cup of Captain Crunch cereal and nibbled that while watching TV.  Despite having an apple and some grapes in the fridge. 
 
Bro and his cute GF came by last night, quite unexpectedly.  They wanted the goods on my lovelife for entertainment value. 
 
D is still circling.  Getting rude.  Wanting my attention and for me to climb in his bed and I keep declining and then not talking to him.  Well, we just text any more and I ignore most of them. 
 
M sent another text over the weekend telling me how much he misses hanging out...yet when I asked what he was doing - just curious as to what was keeping him so ridiculously busy - he did not respond.  So something or someone is far more interesting than me.  If he decides to ask me out again he shall need to initiate everything, and I mean everything.  I won't even put my hand out for him to hold it, he shall need to reach over himself.  Of course, no cute message today. 
 
New guy perhaps on the horizon.  I finally started doing a bit of trolling Plenty of Fish and have one on the line.  Finally got around to giving my phone number to J who did call over the weekend and has been trying to find a day in which I am free for either dinner or lunch.  And of course I am ridiculously busy this week and thus it will probably be Friday.  However, he has sent me a few text messages and a VM.  He says his job is very PT (thus way too much free time for my schedule) and in our phone conversation he asked me to text him photos of me (big red flag) and of course I did not.  I got up to more messages from him this morning asking me to find time for lunch in the next two days and I declined. 
 
There you have it.  I am off work in 20 minutes and my daughter is preparing something lovely, with salad. 
 

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09/12/2010 20:25

OCD - loss, gain, or plateau?

A recent posting made me really stop and think.
 
"...I suppose I am typical, and my chart shows the typical pattern, slacking off and wandering away from resolutions, sidling off into old habits...I notice that a whole lot of folks keep incredible track of grams, fat, exercise down to the minute.  I do believe that this is doomed to failure, if for no other reason than a morbid fixation on the details which, as in life, leads to blindness towards the "big picture."..."
 
I mean no disrespect by quoting the original poster here.  However, I do not agree.  Life IS details.  When a change is desired, in my opinion that is more easily accomplished with attention to the details, thus knowing WHAT needs to change.  Continued attention gives feedback.  What results am I getting from these changes?  And if my tendency is to stop doing the details that are supposed to be giving the results, what mechanism will prevent me from becoming blind to the big picture that I am NOT changing my behavior and have, indeed, slacked off? 
 
For me, in the past that mechanism has been getting up one day and finding that I cannot fit into my clothes AGAIN.  I don't like that jolt.  I want to know that I have gained a few pounds, that my calories have been pretty high (too high!) for two weeks straight, that the scale has gone up by 5 pounds consistently for the last month, and in the past 30 days I have ONLY gone for a walk 7 times.  With this information tracked and visible, I know that without changing my behavior, the inevitable outcome is that my favorite jeans are going to become donations to Salvation Army. 
 
Writing down details, tracking information, may not be necessary but that makes it easier for me to see, over a period of time, if the desired lifestyle behavior is actually being implemented and how that behavior is modifying the desired outcome over time. 
 
If the desired result is not occuring with the chosen behavior modification, then no amount of tracking or not tracking will cause the result.  THIS is the blindness.  Along those same lines, inaccurate tracking skews projected outcome.  If I say my exercise minutes burned 350 calories today, allowing for a piece of pie, when in reality my exercise only burned 150 calories...said piece of pie has not been compensated for.  Even if the treadmill said I burned 350 calories.  And if I continue each day to say this has occured and eat the pie...the jeans are still headed for Salvation Army. 
 
Research shows that those who keep a food and exercise journal are overall more successful long term than those who do not.  Now, I don't like to write down my info and track it.  I AM willing to spend 5 minutes a day, noting my intake, logging it into appropriate software to track of what info I deem relevant, which at this time is calories and fiber, how many minutes or steps I took on the treadmill, and my daily weight. 
 
I am also willing to spend another 10-15 minutes blogging and journaling because I think it helps in my every day life to do this emotion dump. 
 
My pattern shows that when I track, I lose or maintain.  When I decide I don't need to pay attention any more I yo-yo back up once more. And dammit, I have worked too hard this year to let it all creep back on AGAIN! 
 
Final thought.  What details are worth regular attention? 
 
Each time I drive my car, I notice the gas gauge.  I don't like to run out of gas on the expressway.  If I am on a long trip I monitor the guage regularly as my idiot low gas light does not function.  This is noting a detail so that I control the outcome, getting to my destination on time. 
 
My daughter is a Juvenile diabetic.  In order to stay healthy she must reasonably estimate her carb intake and check her blood sugar to regulate her insulin pump.  Just staying alive. 
 
I observe my bank balance before writing out the bills each month to avoid overdrafting my account, write down each withdrawal, and stay within the monthly budget.  Expenditures are added to my bill pay software to help me project and plan for the unexpected and save for retirement. 
 
I check my alarm clock each night to ensure it is on, so that I wake up each morning in time for work. 
 
My general assessment:  Those who choose not to keep track of details in some relevant way for themselves are most likely doomed to failure to reach their goals.  That is why businesses use accountants and insurance companies use actuaries. 
 
Details!  Good stuff! 
 

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