Man how time flies.....I can't believe it's been a couple of weeks since I've posted. I'm not gone though, just really busy with tests and clinicals and studying. And I hate to even tell ya what my weight looks like. I haven't been able to exercise at all and my eating has been terrible. I wish it wasn't so dang hard. Fortunately, after this week things should calm down for a a couple of weeks....I don't have any clinicals, just class, so my goal is to exercise everyday....or at least 4-5 days out of the week. Plus, I am planning on starting the Body for Life eating starting next Monday cause I will be home Mon-Thurs with class on Friday and it's much easier for me to start something and stay on plan when I can stay home. So that's my plan for now. I know I've put on at least 3-5 pounds since school started and that's totally unacceptable.....I need to get this under control right now instead of 15 pounds later. Sorry this is short but just wanted to check in. I've still been reading everyone's blogs just haven't had a chance to comment.....sorry. Hopefully you'll see a little more of me after Friday when I'll be done with yet another test. Hope everyone is doing well!!
I am now officially an LPN....which saying that is sooo cool....makes all the hard work worth it!! Now it's time for a part-time job to get us through the rest of the school year and hopefully this time next year I will be an RN!! I can't wait!!
Eating and exercise has been terrible this week....I still have this darn cold/allergies and I'm thinking that half the reason I can't get rid of it is because of not eating right, not exercising, and tons of stress. I really need to get organized so that I can get everything done each day....including preparing meals that are good for me and exercising sometime during the day. Lately though I've just felt too tired to do anything and any downtime I have I just want to lay around....not a good habit to be getting into. I know that if I can just get up and get moving again I'd feel tons better and would want to keep doing it....it's the starting that's just always so hard....grrr!!!
This weekend I need to get caught up with my typing (I'm a part-time medical transcriptionist) and we are going to get the yard all picked up, the summer furniture put away, etc.....I love fall but it always seems to come too soon and then not stay very long....winter just likes to push it's way through. It's already starting to get cold here and I'm just not ready for that!!
So I went to Pueblo yesterday to take my LPN boards...I don't find out if I passed until Wednesday which is KILLING me, especially since I'll be in clinicals all day that day and won't be able to access a computer until probably 7 or 7:30 that night....UGH!!! I feel like I didn't do too bad though so I really hope I passed....I'll let you guys know!!
After my test DH and I shopped around and that's all I need to do to get really depressed about where I've let my body get to. Can I just say that I HATE clothes shopping!!! For as long as I can remember I have always been in-between sizes....no matter how much I weigh or what size I am. That means that one size is just a tad too small for me to wear comfortably and the next size is falling off of me....I'm not sure how that even happens, but it does with every. single. item. of clothing!! Even when I weighed my lowest I still couldn't find clothes that fit properly....and it gets very frustrating. So now, add that on top of being two sizes bigger than before and still nothing fitting me and.... I just didn't have a good shopping experience. Guess I did save money though, because I bought nothing!!
Here's the thing though....we went to about 5 different stores where I couldn't find anything that fit right or made me feel good and the whole time I kept thinking "I've GOT to lose weight" and then from there I went and pigged out at the Olive Garden and Cold Stone. Why did I do that? Just 20 minutes before I had sat in the dressing room holding back tears because I hate my body and was promising myself that this time I really was going to change and get serious about losing weight and feeling better...and then without even thinking about it, I'm eating.....again. Granted, we get to go to the city maybe about 4 times a year and so I get to eat at the Olive Garden or Cold Stone only once in a blue moon....but that is NOT AN EXCUSE. If I was really serious about losing weight I could have stopped at one breadstick or got the smallest serving of ice cream.....but sadly, I didn't.
So then of course the whole way home I'm down on myself....we get home and I'm down on myself....I wake up this morning and I'm still down on myself. Which honestly, doesn't make anything any better. I want soooo badly to love myself even when clothes don't fit or I eat waaay more than I should have. I want to look in the mirror and still see that beautiful daughter that God created and I hate that I can't. I hate that I hate myself and only see flaws...nothing of beauty or importance.....and that's terrible. This weekend I read a few blogs talking about how important it is to work from the inside out and how important it is to love yourself.....and I've realized (or actually, I've known) that this is what I need to work on first and foremost. I am a good churchgoer and feel like I try to live a good, Christian life...but to be honest, I've never included God in something personal like loving myself or weight loss....I've always been too ashamed to tell Him that I don't like me and have never really felt worthy to ask him to help me with that. But, starting today that's changing. I know that He loves me and I know that the only way I can change how I feel about who I am is to ask for His help....because I honestly can't think of any other place to begin. So it starts today.
I'm sorry my post is so long and came to this point...I am sitting here crying as I type this but I think I really needed to get this out there so I'd feel better and forgive myself for yesterday. I am still working on exercising and eating better....but right now my main focus is really communicating with God and seeking his help and guidance in finding me again....or maybe even for the first time.
I hope everyone is having/has a fantastic week this week....I am off of school today but have to study for an upcoming test and have clinicals Wednesday and Thursday....so I feel like my week is just beginning and is gonna be busy!! Thanks for listening!!
Just super busy and have been sick for the last 4-5 days....ugh!! I forgot how busy school kept me. Well, I really didn't forget, I just tried too!!! Between being sick, having clinicals, yet another paper (I hate papers!!) and a test tomorrow I haven't really had time to think about eating right or exercising which has been good and bad. For once I've been too busy to really eat a whole lot but that also means that I haven't prepared my meals to eat good things....so, I've basically been eating crap. I'm hoping after tomorrow's test things will slow down just a little so I can regroup and get back on track.
My BFL book that I ordered on Amazon still hasn't come yet so I cancelled the order and I'm so frustrated.....is somebody trying to tell me not to read this book or what!! I'm going up to Pueblo on Monday so I'm thinking that maybe I'll just buy the darn thing there....grrr!!
So...some big news not related to weight but, on Monday the reason I'm going to Pueblo is to take my nursing boards to get my license to become a practical nurse (an LPN). I'm really nervous and haven't been studying as much as I should have....but, we'll see how it goes. I really, really hope I can do it....it will be nice to get a job even if it's only 1-2 days a week while I finish school. Wish me luck please, I'm going to need it!!!
As far as exercising goes, I haven't done any. I've had a really bad head and chest cold so until I get over that I don't think I'll be pushing anything too much but I did end up ordering another Cathe video, a weight training one, so I'm really excited about that....I love cardio but I also love lifting and seeing my muscles....so much more motivating for me!!!
Hope everyone is doing well....I'm trying to keep up!!
Wow...I can't believe how fast this week has gone by. That's definitely one thing I like about school, it makes the days zooom by....which I guess in a way, that's good and bad!! I have been working all week on two papers that are due tomorrow and YAY! I'm finally done with them. All I have left to do is proof them for the last time and e-mail them in....such a relief!! Fortunately, since I've been working and stressing over my papers my eating hasn't been too bad but it hasn't been the best either. I just really need to focus on planning my meals and having them ready. When they are there waiting I eat well and I eat right....but when I don't take the time to prepare, I eat anything and everything. At least I'm starting to recognize the small things I can do that will help me eat better....so that's really exciting!!
So I went through my closet Tuesday and packed up all of my old clothes (except three shirts that I LOVE and can't wait to wear again!) and surprisingly I feel better when I look into my closet....of course, it's now bare considering only 4-5 shirts fit me....but hey, it's actually really motivating too!! And I don't have that reminder that nothing fits me anymore which helps the emotions A LOT!!
Now I really need to become more consistent with my exercise. I was doing so good and in the last 2-3 weeks I've gone down to almost nothing and the one thing (okay, one of the one things) I promised myself I wouldn't do once I started school again was slack on my exercising....becuase it definitely makes me feel good!! So...my goal for that is to get off this computer and do 30 minutes of Tae Bo or go for a jog/walk outside with the kids. Probably the latter cause they've been bugging me to go out and find caterpillars along the road so I guess I have no excuse!!
So....TOM is here, which it seems the older I get the worse it is emotionally. I don't know why I do this to myself, but today I went through my closet and tried on lots of my old, cute, small clothes just to see how bad they didn't fit....why do I do this to myself? I then sat on the bed and cried, went to church and cried, took a nap and cried, washed the dishes and cried....you get the point!! I know that most of this is just TOM and even by tomorrow I will feel better (I hope) but....ugh....I hate that this weight stuff is so hard and I hate that I have let myself go so much....I can't believe how big I've gotten.
So, enough of my pity party....I still haven't given up which I guess is just what I need to focus on.....and, I've decided to pack up all my old, cute, small clothes so that I won't purposely try to hurt myself again. I need to stop living in the past and work towards making myself healthy and happy from today on!!
Hope everyone is having a fantastic weekend. I am stuck at home this weekend doing homework.....oh, how i CAN'T WAIT for school to be done!!!
So yesterday was such a good day....I can't believe what a difference it makes in putting your goals down in writing...or on the web!! I had an excellent day with my eating, didn't stray at all from my six meals (though I only had 5...6 is kind of tough to get in!)....I got a good workout in....I did 40 minutes of Cathe doing a lower body workout....I can't believe how much squats hurt!! I got my water in....and yes, visited the bathroom a little bit more than I normally do but hey, I feel pretty darn good today!!
The only thing I didn't accomplish was checking out the Body For Life book. I went to the very tiny library that is about 10 miles from me....but they didn't carry it at all...GRRR....so, I decided to go the bigger library that's 35 miles away in our "bigger" city and they didn't carry it either....GRRRRRR!! What the heck?....talk about frustration. So, I figured I would just go ahead and run over to Wal-Mart and buy it....cause, I really, really want to do this and I was already in town, had already wasted gas, etc.... Guess what?? They didn't have it either!!! So....I guess I will have to wait a little longer and order the darn thing....oh well....the website is really helpful and it's not like I'm going to do a challenge right away or anything!! So that's my plan.
Okay...my goals for today are about the same as yesterday
Eat six healthy and nutritious meals going off of the BFL authorized food list.....also, really think about what I'm eating, why, etc....to avoid mindless eating.
Exercise - which...YAHOO!!...is already done. I got up with my aunt at 5 AM and we walked 2.5 miles....YAY!!!
Drink, drink and drink my H2O!! I have today off from school as well so I can hopefully get all my water in. I am going to a study group though....but I don't care if they know I have to pee every 5 minutes!!
Work on saying my affirmations throughout the day. I am a HUGE believer in positive affirmations and I know they work....it's just saying them that seems to be the hard part!!
So....here I go....hopefully today will be just as good as yesterday. I do know though, that I just need to take it one day at a time...heck, sometimes one meal at a time....so still doing baby steps!!
Every morning when I wake up, I am truly thankful for the brand new day ahead of me...sometimes not so much (like when I have a dentist appt or a big test to take, for example...lol)...but the majority of the time I am sooo grateful for a fresh start....especially if the night before I've eaten 4 pieces of pizza!! ACK!!
So...my eating hasn't been too great, but I think it's a big step for me to actually realize this. I am really good at mindlessly eating for days on end or at thinking "this 3rd and 4th slice of pizza isn't going to cause too much damage" and I'm learning that I can't be doing either of these things and I've got to change my habits...even if I only take baby steps!!
School started for me Monday and the second I walked in the door the stress hit me....I already have a paper due, a quiz, reading, reading and more reading and on the way home from all this craziness I caught myself thinking, "oh boy, what can I eat that's really good when I get home." But, good news is...I ate a couple slices of cucumbers I had cut up the night before...and then I was good!! Baby steps do work!!
I know it's been said over and over again, but I know I didn't gain this weight overnight, I know I didn't slip into unhealthy habits overnight, and I know it's going to take a lot more work to change things then just by me wishing for it to happen....but these are things that I think I need to remind myself of daily because when I don't, I quickly get discouraged and grab for that extra slice of pizza...
So, enough of my book of ramblings....I have a plan for this brand new day and it goes a little something like this...
Go to the library and get the BFL book...and like Ready2Wow mentioned...I am going to try my hardest to actually read it..lol!!
Really focus on what I'm putting into my mouth in hopes as to not mindlessly eat. I've totally stalked GettinFit's blog and am trying to eat off her daily menus...so far, as of 10:08 this morning, I'm rocking this!!
Exercise today. I have really slacked with this which is frustrating because I truly love to exercise and even if I do 15 minutes worth I get that natural high that is always awesome!
Drink my water. I used to be good at getting this in too but since going back to school last year I've totally stunk at it. But, I'm home today so i can drink and pee my little out!! (sorry if that was TMI)
I think that's good for today....I have tons of goals and plans swimming around in my head....but I know if I try too much it all just gets lost and I get discouraged...so I'm sticking with my baby steps!!
Thanks for the comments...they have helped immensely....this place is truly awesome!!
Okay....it's been two days since my last post and I don't have much to report. I've exercised the last two days (day 1 walk/jogged 2.5 miles, day 2 30 min of tae bo), which is a start, but I know my biggest challenge is going to be my eating....it always has been.
I have spent quite a bit of time reading EP blogs and they have been very motivational, inspirational, etc....I love that feeling of getting pumped up to do something good for myself....so I think this place will be really good for me....it makes me really excited!!
I've spent A LOT of time reading Gettin' Fit's blog and girl, you are amazing (thanks for the comment too)!! She has totally made me want to try Body For Life and I think when my school loan comes in I might just order the book and start looking into it because it definitely sounds like something I might be interested in attempting!!!
Cause the thing is....every time I've tried/have lost weight it's only been because I've starved myself along with exercising beyond exhaustion...and then once I stop doing those things the weight piles back on in no time. This time around I want to not only lose weight but I want to be healthy and feel good about how I treat my body. If I'm really honest....I'd almost rather not lose ANY weight but just feel good about myself and how I treat my body....and if I lost weight along the way, that would just be an add on bonus....if that makes any sense!!
So...for now, I've kind of checked out the BFL site and may try to start at least working on eating their acceptable foods and exercising (is that a good idea?)....until school starts that's really all I can do until I see what my work load is going to be (I know, that's totally just an excuse, so that's something to work on too!)
I'm afraid that over a year ago I was in a better place than I am now. I don't know what happened to me. I gained a little weight and for once tried to catch it before it was too late but then something happened and I totally fell off the wagon and gained almost 20 more pounds. It didn't really hit me until tonight when I took pictures of myself and could see such a difference. All summer I've been hiding in baggy t-shirts and sweatpants....now I know why.....
One thing I can say that happened was I returned back to school and completed my first year of nursing school (yahoo!!)....but I can't even begin to describe the amount of stress and pressure that took on my body, mind, and spirit....no wonder I'm in this mess now. I start my second year of nursing school as of next Monday and I cannot....I repeat, CANNOT, let myself gain another 20 pounds this year. I just can't do it!!!!
I'm not quite sure where to go from here but I know I have to start somewhere. A little over a year ago I decided to give this blogging a go and failed miserably right after my first post and I can't let that happen again.....I've got to use this as an outlet and to possibly find support.
I'm just so depressed right now.....I've got to get it together, calm down a little, and start this right now. This time around.....school (along with the rest of my life) is not going to be an excuse. Wish me luck!!
so I cancelled the order and I'm so frustrated.....is somebody trying to tell me not to read this book or what!! I'm going up to Pueblo on Monday so I'm thinking that maybe I'll just buy the darn thing there....grrr!!
considering only 4-5 shirts fit me....but hey, it's actually really motivating too!! And I don't have that reminder that nothing fits me anymore which helps the emotions A LOT!!
