Almost a week of blogging, but a life time of weight on my mind.. and PMS
So I started this blog 6 days ago, though I have been battlling my weight and mind since my first sence of memory.. When I was a child my mean-spirited granny informed me that I was chubby and fat and needed a diet and, at 4 years old, I believed her. Unfortunately, looking at photographs of me on the beach as a 4 year old child in a swimsuit I am able to count the ribs on my sides from the swim suit that is practically falling off of my little body. Granny must have mistaken my enormous chubby cheeks for equalling an obese body.. which now I can see, was never the case. I can't blame anyone for my actions, but I regret the way my brain was. I believed that I was fat and ugly and never before this criticism did I see myself this was, nor did I have a problem with myself ; eating or activity wise. I did see later that I did in fact gain some child-weight, most likely from this issue being magnitisied. It's like I never feared the canoeing until one of my parents friends suggested.."Do you ever fear falling out of the canoe and drowning?"
I can compare myself to a dry-alcholic, one who isn't physically acting on their addiction, but still has the behaviors / issues on their mind.. I can compare this with my long past eating disorder. I do not act out on bulimia nor do I go weeks with out eating like I would for a short period in my highschool years.. But it's something that I am so hyper aware of to not act out again & that is almost worse than the disease!
I would love to enter a weigh in on my little chart.. since I've been official on this site.. I worked out 6 days last week, taking Sunday off to sleep in w/ my man-friend and eat sugar free icecream in bed (yeah, that might seem like cheating, but I worked out that extra day-Saturday- so I could laze-out as reward)
I can tell that the working out & the gallons of h2O are doing me some good. clothes feel just a bit less snug.. This time of the year I am ashy and dry skinned from living in the arctic, I tend to sway towards depressed from the lack of sunshine (hence these endorphines making up for that!) and this last week I've been feeling better, EVEN WITH THE IMPENDING PMS-feeling that is soon approaching.
So this is where I come to not charting my weight (loss) & PMS.. Cliche being that this is a girl-centric blog, but shit.. here's what is bumming me out, I would LOVE more than anything to post my weight here for all of the world wide web to see (what?) BUT I know that I'm not going to note much (numerical) change as I am retaining water and all of that girl shit.. I can definately say no change on the scale this week, can also be good change.. because I tend to read an extra 3lbs of water (blood...ewww..) But a few days ago I did sneak a peek and it seems that I may have droppe about 2 lbs in the week or so of taking care of myself!