I really like how some blogs are consistent with the titles over time-- Like Andrea N.'s is usually : "Travel Girl does xyz" etc...
I wonder if over the long term, my blog will wind up with the same consistency-- JC Week # X, Day # X-- or maybe I will move on to months??
Who knows?
I am feeling confident and good about things-- despite some evening snacking last evening... I feel that this time around I am being somewhat more flexible about the program but owning it at the same time.
As I said the other day, it is up to me how fast I will lose weight-- and of course, my overall goal is to see at least a pound a week. After all: week 2 should still be a good drop-- but even if I hit my BAN (bare ass naked-- at home) weight goal of a one pound drop on my home scale, I'll be happy. That would be 172.5 (I was 173.5 this Saturday am.)
Of course, I cannot WAIT to leave the dreaded 170's behind again. I must say: again-- b/c it is like the third time I am up here and climing my way back down. Ack-- ever since I hit 170 when I was about 32 years old... that was a rude smack in the face when I saw the scale hit that 'new number.' And since then, I've been fighting my way away from it....
There is a substantial difference this time: I swear to god and everything that is holy etc. that I will throw away (or give away) EVERY item of clothing that gets too big... that way, I will have to go to work naked b/c I'll have no clothes if I gain 15 pounds.
The way it has been: I've keep the clothes I could squeeze into at 170-- so I can gain right up to there each time. NO WAY. From here forward, the new clothes will come over time as I shrink (or I will hit the tailor for what is the word--???? taking in clothes...)
So: I've realized that in order to prove to myself that I can fit in restaurants and a few momo's-- I MUST have a successful JC week 2.
I am taking one day at a time-- but it is not as easy as it was the first time when it was black and white/ all or nothing. Maybe that is good.
I had a good morning-- FINALLY got back to working out. It has been TWO weeks, I have been sick and had an ongoing chest cold, but enough is enough-- I couldn't stay away another day. SO: I did 25 mins (I guess I was pedalling hard-- way hard after the break) on the stationary bike, and then I stopped b/c I am damn out of shape-- I was feeling dizzy. Yuck. Just more motivation to get back on the stick with the workouts!!!
we went to a birthday party for a friend of my son's (turning 3 years old) and all I ate were the crudites-- lots of nice celery, brocoli, and a few baby carrots. Go me.
This afternoon, came home starving after the party-- so I ate my JC stuffed sandwich, but then I ate another chicken sausage (low fat-- 140 cals) in addition. This was due to feeling very hungry and wanting some additional protein-- but also: I know it was unplanned.
That said: I didn't derail further-- needed to refocus my thinking several times, but got back to it. Am eating my Pria bar (which I think is superior to JC ATB bars-- less sodium, more fiber and protein, same calories!!) with some black coffee. So: go me... little victories.
It's the big drop everyone LOVES, including me-- most of all knowing that even though this is alot of water weight etc.. it is the longest I've been able to keep myself together on a new 'lifestyle change.'
Onto that for a sec: aren't you all so sick and tired of this lifestyle bullshit. Let's face it-- to lose weight, you have to go on a DIET. I know that you need to change yourself to be able to keep the weight off and you cannot look at things as a temporary solution... I swear I am working on this. Instead of "white knuckling" my JC program this time, I've started doing a few MOMO's here and there and not getting stressed about it.
After all: life is life... for the most part, I can do a very clean and basic routine, but if I need to eat different food for a meal, or if I want to go out to dinner ONCE a week (or maybe even not that often, b/c it is up to me how FAST I want to LOSE the weight...) I can do this and still be losing weight.
Calories in / calories out. It will always be that way, never changes, and once I reach my goal weight, happy weight, wherever I end up-- I know that this is true.
I hope I am making sense.
But just to celebrate a bit more, and talk about the week to come: my clothes are feeling looser, I am feeling more attractive and interested in my appearance, taking more pride in "getting myself ready" whenever we go out-- this is so meaningful and adds so much to my life. When I start going into what I'll lovingly call "Fatso mode"-- I stop spending as much time in the mirror, I don't enjoy reading my fashion magazines, and I don't feel a part of 'shopping' b/c of all of the unpleasantness associated.
I've realized that I really am quite the fashion plate interested person- and the only reason I stop enjoying this 'hobby' is b/c I feel I can't participate b/c I don't fit the mold. When I was a teenager and early 20's, before I understood the fashion choices for me-- it was less fun b/c I didn't know what to wear (I wore classic cuts always-- which was a solid decision.) I was in the 140's to 150's size 10 to 12 range in pants, so I had many possibilities. But it was still hard b/c I didn't really feel my personal style.
Now that I am in my late 30's (WOW, can't believe it sometimes...) I know what looks great, what accessories to buy, what cut of slacks looks great and even how to dress for work. But in the past year, it has been no fun b/c I've been struggling to find size 14 slacks that fit... (I am very small on top, even at my largest, my waist is about a 32-- it's now in the 30.5 range in inches.) That is no fun for me and it begins to be about covering myself more than enjoying my fashion and feeling great and looking great.
I will face this: I think I am a bit vain! I had this realization as I watched "TLC's WHat not to wear" with Stacy and Clinton-- do you know this show? Every woman who struggles with her weight should watch it-- it is a road map to how often women who have weight issues cheat themselves in fashion (even though the show is not necessarily about dressing larger women... it is often about that.) Basically, they find women who are fashion "don'ts," they work with them on fit, color, style etc and they usually come out the other end looking 100 times better.
I am still sick after 2 weeks, so I am a bit impatient to write all of this down-- my throat is sore now and I am still coughing up disgusting gobs of phlegm, ew. So sufffice it to say that seeing women go to stores and cry and struggle about not wanting to wear the right size is very telling to me in this program.... I just don't want that to be me.
I also want to live my life now and stop waiting until I'm "thin enough" to buy whatever or do whatever-- I do that to myself to a certain extent and that is stopping. Don't get me wrong, I've lived plenty, but I just want to be nicer to myself starting now.
I've been trying to be "thinner" for my entire life, and right now, I am at the heaviest pre-pregancy weight range AGAIN. So it clearly doesn't work to wait around until I'm thin enough. Though I feel hopeful (very) that I will succeed at JC, life is too short to jip myself while I go through the weight loss to maintanence process.
Sandy and anyone else who was confused: an "NSV" is a "non-scale-victory!"
NSV's are a good way to acknowledge your hard work through other means (often that show a measure of your progress, like jeans being looser, fitting into a smaller size, or even a nice comment from an old friend or something.)
I am feeling pretty good overall-- though my late day eating backfired with overeating at night. I think I still had a calorie deficit, and I am certain that I will post a loss at JC tomorrow... but I cannot continue this way b/c I will have problems at the scale going forward.
Tonight is an opportunity for me to train myself to stop eating after 8pm-- my weigh in is at 8:30 am EST, and I want as much of dinner and what not out of my system... of course, I don't intend to eat or drink anything pre-weigh in.
gotta run and deal with the personnel issue... also: on a good note-- I got a nice raise, so I am feeling a bit less frustrated with work and a bit more like I can deal with this-- it was about a 15% raise, so really good (I got what I asked for!!)
My food shift worked last evening-- I ate my cheesecake about 9ish, and that really helped! Yay.
NSV for the day: I tried on a pair of slacks that were too tight a week ago, and they are wearable now-- they are my scale pants for now... can't wait for those to get too big.
Looking forward to JC weigh in day one on Saturday morning... this one will be the big drop-- I think I may see a 5 pound loss! (I know, it is mostly water, but at least it is the numbers going down.)
So it is 1:13pm EST as I write this, and I just finished by Breakfast stuffed sandwich-- I love those.
Anyway: I am going to try a technique that I've seen on the JC boards before-- basically pushing all of my JC food back several hours into the day so that I have more calories in the evening.
6:30 pm Turkey burger (JC lunch) and salad with JC dressing (Balsamic-- that stuff actually tastes pretty good!)
8pm Turkey dinner-- (JC dinner)
Before bed: JC cheesecake
*Note: I am saving my JC dessert/ snack until right before bed, it gives me a yummy escape hatch about night time eating. I've learned from JC that it doesn't matter WHEN you eat... I know it's healthiest not to eat before bed, whatever: I want this weight off and I'll do what I need to do and make it work for me.
*If I am too full from dinner to want the cheesecake, I can skip it-- that's fine... (we'll see about that, y'all.)
I don't mean to be so dire in my title, but I guess I am just a drama queen at heart.
I did another snacking incident last night at 9:40pm... had about 10 triscuits and about 3 oz of left over pork tenderloin, which is pretty much the equivalent of an extra meal.
So I see that this eating at night thing is a habit... but I also think it is a simple response to not eating enough during the day.
Yesterday was mega-stressful. I have a very stressful job. Not to sound braggy, but I have alot of authority on the job and that includes hiring and firing people. Yesterday, things came to a head with a person I recommended for a job-- she is not working out and needs to be fired, basically. She is just not fitting in with the department and yesterday there was a big blowout where she works.
In addition, even though I kept it totally between myself, my chairman of my dept and a few others (like the physician she works for, I disclosed I knew her previously)-- somehow the staff found out and thought this person was being favored.
This was the worst feeling ever. My reputation as being fair is paramount to me-- I have about 300 people on payroll and I run a multi-site department and need my credibility. So I had a good deal of damage control on my hands:
I called the people involved and told them my support was with them, I acknowledged that I knew the troublesome staffer, but that would not interfere with us disciplining her or moving her out of the position.
I spoke with my colleague-- who I think may have been the one who blabbed this info-- I don't know how else this could have happened, and I assured her (though she assured me that she understood all along) that I wasn't favoring the employee and that I was in support of termination-- especially after yesterday afternoon's events.
I know I am probably making no sense here... but I am just venting it.
So: I spoke with the person at the center of it all, who has been working at my organization for the past 6 months-- I told her that I thought things weren't working out and that I think she should resign. This was me giving her some advance warning as well, telling her to keep her pride and leave with her head held up high. She finally agreed, but it was somewhat difficult, as anyone can imagine-- she wanted to know the detailed problems and I didn't even know... I just knew that basically everyone she is working with thinks she's not competent for this job and she is also not fitting in well with them, they think she feels superior to them.
Ack.
Well, I am still on this today, contacted my boss (chairman) and told him most of the details-- I did leave out the favortism bit, b/c I didn't think it was relevant or helpful in any way... he wouldn't have cared much. He only cares that the job is getting done and that things are under control.
Things are going well-- feeling confident.
One blip: didn't eat enough during the day so had a snack (not planned) before bed.
I think my calories for the day were OK, but night eating is a slippery slope. I am going to be very careful today to get in all my food so that I am sure to be satisfied and go off to bed without any JC 'blips.'
I am keeping it very positive, b/c that is what my role models seem to do-- no self-bashing going on here... my diet is like a navigation system (with JC)-- I follow the map, and if I get off course, I will just "recalculate" and move on.
No regrets.
The one thing I must say before going off is that I regret being this fat. There I said it-- I cannot lie that I just don't like the size of myself and that I want to change. I know I will look better and clothes will fit better and shopping won't be a drama.
Most of all: the dress I am wearing today (a jersey material wrap dress, stretchy and forgiving) will NEVER be this tight again... that is what I look forward to every day....
I have been reading Andrea N's blog for JC inspiration-- she has been so successful with JC and has stuck with it for over a year, I am using her blog as a road map to success.
Another tool I am using is to listen to and watch/ read Valerie Bertinelli's blogs on the JC website. Also a good road map.
I know I can lose weight with JC, that is not a problem (can you see my confidence returning???) The problem is with gaining weight back.
I know that I need to totally surrender to this program, and for now, I really am... but I am going to do it a bit differently this year. I am going to try to incorporate some MOMO's earlier... and I am going to try to go to restaurants as well (not yet, maybe in 2 or 3 weeks.)
The time to live is RIGHT NOW. I must make this part of my life, b/c if I would like to reach my ultimate fantasy weight -- yes folks-- here it comes: I'd love to get down to 125 (ha ha ha).... then I am going to be doing JC for a LONG LONG LONG time.
Now I know that my 125 goal is a dream weight, and according to the calculations provided by some of my EP friends from Self-- my more realistic (happy?) weight is 136... but anything in between: I Will TAKE IT.
I've actually stated my JC goal as 140-- this was a good call on my part, it gets me to halfway that much sooner, and it gets me started on their training with exchanges and what not. I must learn to incorporate these changes into my life for good.
My pants still feel pretty snug today-- and I am saying to myself: NO MORE, this is totally it, this is the last time I will ever feel this way in this pair of pants (size 14, Charter Club trousers for work.) I am looking forward to sleeker sizes etc.
But I am not going to put off buying myself stuff now-- I am worth it now. I am not a bad person b/c of this weight PROBLEM, it is a problem I have and the more I acknowledge how much help I need to get it under control, the better off I'll be.
Sorry for all the email yelling (All caps) but it is really how I feel-- I am enthusiastic and excited about my new JC plan... I feel I can do this... and I don't want to lose this feeling.
My other goal: one day I'd like to be an 'Andrea N' for someone else. I'm gradually reading through all of her posts over the past year and some months. They are totally awesome and she is an inspiration to me. (I don't mean to sound stalker-ish at all... by the way.) She just really took hold, accepted where she was, and got on program to get the job done. Well done, girl.
I've read many blogs on EP, and people often start their blog when they've lost all the weight or most of it, and they are trying to maintain... so you miss all the ups and downs of their journey and hence, the road map, as I am calling it.
So I am doing this blog for me, and for YOU, you there, reading this now, maybe months from now (am I at goal yet, hope so)-- YOU CAN DO THIS, b/c I can do this... and I will succeed. So will you.
I stopped in at the JC message boards and they've changed their site and their forums so much that it's hard to use... I will check in there again, but I wanted to just congratulate myself here for another day well done on program.
Yes: I know that it has only been 2 dang days-- but that is 2 days closer to being a healthier, thinner me... my biggest concern is how to maintain my motivation as it is-- and I am not sure what to do, I am researching other successful folks who have lost weight and looking for how they hung in there.
For now: I am so at the beginning that I don't have too much to worry about.. but I do know that I cannot hope to have a journey without bumps in the road. The question is how I'll deal with them when I get there.
