Fuck it

Damn, I just wrote this whole long post about how I decided to go back to Jenny Craig as of yesterday.

I am doing in Center... yesterday was day one and I was on 100%.

I had a long post about my reasons, etc etc, but I am too tired to post it all again...maybe later.

I am so commited, I've reentered my start weight and I hope I can succeed, even knowing how easy it is to regain JC weight.  I see it time and again on that JC site.

I want to make this different.  One day at a time...

Yeah, right!

So much for the challenge... I stuck with it all the way through dinner-- and then the snacking began.  Rats...

I guess I just want the quick fix that is elusive.

In addition (excuses, excuses) but I am really stick under the weather, feeling exhausted and unready to commit to a change at this moment.

There: I said the magic words-- I can't commit.

Yes: I'd like to be in the smaller sizes etc and I don't want to stick at this weight, but I just don't want to fight right now... I know that sucks and all, but I just am tired.

I won't be giving up, just, um, uh.. I don't know what to call it.  I'm glad I'm still coming here on a regular basis, it reminds me of what I'd like to do.

I was thinking, when I am ready, I'd like to start posting MY food journal on my blog. With the whole blog fiaso of a few days ago, it made me realize that there is some serious accountability on EP-- and I can take the criticism if it comes-- it might actually help me, I am certain a lot of us could have PhD's in nutrition.

So: here's what I think-- I need to get well, I need to be feeling up to exercise (have been off of the daily exercise until the chest cold goes away, have continued to do my daily walking in my commute-- it's not avoidable and not hard-- I often get off the train a few stops early on purpose.)

Once Monday comes, I think I'll be in a more 'clean slate' mentality.

The other thing I'm thinking is that I will buy myself something really special that I want-- and make it a contingency-- like 3 nights of NO snacking to get that thing.  This way, I buy the thing for myself and am more likely to actually obtain it.  In the past: I think I've known I might break that promise to myself b/c I've done it in the past.  But if I buy the thing, I will have to 'earn it back' from myself-- see what I mean.

Bleh, I am just tired and feeling kinda crappy.  Love to y'all who come to read up on my blog.  One day I'll get this right-- or I'll never quit until I do...

3 day challenge

So-- I guess I've been leading up to how the hell I am going to get myself on a track that will work.  Been trying the moderate route, but I'd like to shake things up a bit.

As I said yesterday, I've re-discovered how yummy fruit is-- and come on, can you get healthier? 
I've also read alot about the virtues of low fat dairy for facilitating a weight loss plan.

SO: here is my 3 Day Challenge for myself (at the end of which, I've promised myself a special gift, and I WILL get it... I always say I'll reward myself and then up the ante-- and that just sucks.)

Approved food list (mind you, this is just for 3 days, and I don't intend to eat like this forever... just to refocus myself on fueling myself with food, rather than using food for other means:

Vegetables, any kind except starchy (peas etc are not on my list)-- can have with a teaspoon of olive oil, lemon juice, balsamic vinegar

Fruit, any kind

Low fat cottage cheese

Coffee

1% milk

Plenty of water!

I am meant to eat whenever I am feeling hungry, and satisfy myself without stuffing myself.  I will try for lots of different colors in my diet so that I'm getting a proper complement of vitamins and minerals...

I think I am covering all of my nutrient bases with such a plan:
Protein, Dairy, Carbohydrate, Vitamin/ Mineral, and a touch of Fat

This makes me feel settled for the first time in a while, I've been feeling jumpy about my diet, and though I've tried moderation, a good kickstart might really help me get on the right track.

I mean to be kind to myself and not starve... just get back on track.

Controversy! Oh my...

Wow, I guess EP is a smaller community that I would have thought.   Evidently, the blogger I referred to in my post from yesterday got wind of my blog.

Sheesh!  That was not my intention at all. 

I think as women, we need to support each other-- I really and truly do.  I wrote an apology onto that person's blog-- and I've copied it below for you all to see as well. 

My additional comments:
I worked with a nutritionist in 2006-- and while we were collaborating on my quest to lose weight (I lost about 12 pounds, which I gained back-- humbug)-- we had a number of deep conversations about my 'relationship with food.'

In these talks, as I pondered my own food issues, yo-yo dieting etc, my nutritionist mentioned that her observation is that many, many women have a 'disordered relationship with food.' 

I think I qualify-- and I am not here to diagnose anyone, but I'm willing to cop to food issues in myself  to the 'psychiatric police.'  No shame in that-- why else would I be struggling all my life with my damn weight???

It's not for me to judge anyone else's journey-- and that was not my intention.  When I have a reaction, I put it down here-- this is an online diary.  But I don't want to be hurtful to anyone else, and I didn't mean my words to reach out and give someone an undeserved smack.

That's basically it.

Copy of my comment/ apology on the other blog:

Brainstorm!

Andre got a lovely fruit and food basket from his work (I love the corporate world!-- I have worked in hospitals for my whole career, and until last year, when I transferred to a major academic medical center, I never had a 'corporate' environment. Like where they have food in a break room, a water cooler, there are lots and lots of resources for supplies, furniture and everything is typically pretty shiny and new, and they routinely send baskets when people are sick etc etc.)

But I digress.  The point of this blog, which I'd like to keep fairly short (good luck) is that I ate the MOST delicious orange out of the basket BEFORE dinner.  Now: in my all or nothing mentality and crazy relationship with food, fruit is never a 'first' choice-- it's something I rely on when I'm being 'good.'

But wait a tick-- I LIKE fruit-- it is DELICIOUS.  All of this is probably so, duh... but I had a really 'ah hah' moment about fruit and food.  I can barely explain it-- only to say that the realizations are still rolling in.

I know that in the past when I've cut back on the choices I've had to make, it got a lot easier. That is how Jenny Craig worked for me... having a structure does help me alot.

But having to do it myself is so hard, and often difficult to keep up with my program.

So here is what I'd like to try for a few days:
Fruit before and at each meal (mainly for the meal too for breakfast and lunch.)  Protein and fruit for dinner (veggies with olive oil dressing are fine too) as well-- I think I'm going to try for cottage cheese and fruit for dinner for a few days.

There is nothing wrong with eating a diet of varied fruits, cottage cheese/ yogurt, maybe throwing in some beans and veggies for variety, during the week.  It makes my life simple-- what should I eat for breakfast? How about a banana, an orange, and apple or a kiwi? I am sure you get it.

I haven't totally worked this all out in my mind-- but the idea is really to make my life easy and take the thinking out, once again, while programming a pretty healthy eating lifestyle.  Instead of saying: "oh let's just order in tonight" when I am weary at the end of the day, I can just default to cottage cheese and fruit.  I have NEVER overeaten either of those two items... though fruit is yummy-- a couple pieces is plenty (and I usually just eat one piece of fruit at a time).  As for cottage cheese: it is simply a healthy, low fat protein source that tastes good, but not so good that I will binge on it.

And there is another "treat" associated with this as well:
I can go out for dinner on the weekends and eat what I like (within reason.)  This gives a bit more variety and we don't always go out anyways.

Congratulations if you made it through this mess of a post... I am feeling optimistic.

Love to y'all who wrote such supportive notes in my comments yesterday.

it is a bit depressing

I just read one of the more famous blogs on EP, I won't out the person... but when I look at that individual's intake-- it is pretty much eating disordered, in my opinion.

Definitely not enough food and a weird view of how to eat.  Depressing, b/c this person is my height and at the weight I'd wish to be... again: this is not to be mean about any other EP member so I am being very vague, but suffice it to say that there was a time when I weighed what that person did.  I know what I was doing to be at that weight: I was eating next to nothing.

Makes me realize for sure that I can never be that weight... a  more realistic weight for me would be around 150.  I know I still need to lose weight and everything, but life is for living.

It's confusing and, as I said: depressing.  I don't want to starve myself ever, and life is too short to obsess about eating 4 instead of  6 nuts or whatever.

Ack.

That said: I am still taking the slow road... really not making a heck of a lot of progress per say, but on some level: it's progress, I'm sticking with 2 things, KEEPING A FOOD JOURNAL and EXERCISING DAILY (except for extenuating circumstances/ early meeting or being sick.)  Note: I am currently sick with a chest cold, and I am taking good care of myself so that I don't come down with this pneumonia that my dh has.

Anyhow: one more irritating thing for my list of annoyances... I think I have a cavity or a flaw in a filling in my back right molar. Crap.  Off to the dentist tomorrow (hoping to get an appointment, but my dentist is awesome and there has never been a time that he hasn't seen me in an urgent situation-- I've been with this dentist since 1996 or 1997.)

Sorry, been crazy

Hi to anyone checking in on my blog-- I have been so nuts lately that there has just been no time.

I keep thinking about blogging and then: no time.  My life is totally hectic.

There are few places to be this honest and spill my guts about stuff, and it is really nice to know this is mostly private with some 'friends' looking in-- that way I can share the good and the bad.

It is all hard to write down.

First: I've been away b/c it's just been stressful.  Andre caught PNEUMONIA (yes, he is 37 and otherwise in good health)-- so I had him running to a pulmonologist for treatment and it was scary etc.  He is beginning to feel better today.

Work has been totally stressful and busy.  I am happily sitting here blogging at nearly 10am having done very little work today.  It's a gift to me.

And I guess I am stressed about my weight and eating plan-- although I am pretty certain I am onto the solution.

Here is what is happening:
I am committed to keeping that damn food journal every day-- and I've spotted some habit stuff to change... mainly that I am eating about 6 or 7 times ago (or I was) and that I was always having a virtual 'extra' meal before bed!

Knowledge is power.  I have never once claimed: I don't know HOW I can weigh what I do b/c I don't eat, blah blah, b/c anytime I restrict my calories to 1200 or so-- the weight literally FALLS off of me.

The trouble is that I can't do that anymore... I do it for a few months, lose about 15 pounds and then my body says: NO MORE and I literally go into anti-starvation mode and put it all back on .

This time, it is much more conservative with Andre's guidance (and with Gladys as well.) Both of them are very reasonable and also have a lot of love for me... each is saying take ONE step at a time.

So the food journal is ON.

The other AWESOME change I've made is that I work out every single day for 30 minutes-- no fail... the only time I don't do the 30 minutes is when I have a cold (it's the winter and I am living with a 3 year old who brings home bugs all the time that I catch) or when I have a morning meeting at 6:30 am (1 x per month.)
What that is adding up to is an average of 6 days per week of at least 30 mins of cardio! Go me.

Today I got on the scale and it appears that my weight is down a pound... but I am still in that very same range... so it could be water or whatever.  I'm waiting for changes in clothing and just carrying on with my true, real lifestyle adjustments and habit building.

Really good news: it looks as though I'll be getting a fat raise (sorry to be a brag, but there is almost nowhere to brag in the world about this-- you know what I mean-- it could be considered SO obnoxious to say that to friends... but you all can probably handle it, we're sharing here!) Yes!

The bad news: I'm learing that I don't ever know when things feel like enough-- I have this weird feeling of letdown having now spoke with the boss, asked for and will likely (VP of HR willing-- but my boss is very influential and he should be able to make it happen...) EXACTLY what I wanted.

Do any of you ever have this? It's like: it's never enough.

I feel the same about weight loss and I keep putting off buying certain nice things for myself b/c I'm 'waiting' to reach an elusive goal.  My goal moving forward is to start treating me awesome today. (good luck to me, it is seriously harder than it sounds.)

Hope you all are well..

Really quick

Daily exercise is continuing (I had to miss a few days from being sick, and one b/c I had a 6:30 am meeting, ick)-- but other than that, without extreme extenuating circumstances-- I do my 30 minutes daily at 5am.

I'm also committed to writing everything down that I eat-- this will work to my advantage... I've already stepped away from some stuff b/c of writing stuff down.  Give it some time... I feel like success in a very slow and steady way is on the horizon! I will do this!!

BDS + My DH = Winning combination? (I hope)

Andre and I watched the tail end of a totally stupid Lifetime TV movie called: "Fat Like me" or something like that.  It was a story of a high school athelete who has a fat mother of whom she is ashamed and who eventually does a secret documentary in a fat suit about the experience of fat people.  Naturally, the whole thing blows up in her face-- and she learns "valuable life lessons" and "sees that there is so much fat prejudice out there..."
 

Can you say give me a mozzarella stick with a side of cheddar sauce? Sheesh.  Not to mention that it was pooryly acted (9 tenths of it) and generally drawn out, boring and whatever.

Now for the good part: it stimulated a really excellent conversation for Andre and me... now he is very unsympathetic to very fat people.  He was a long-time smoker until about 11 years ago when he quick COLD TURKEY.  And every time we talk about morbid obesity he just has no sympathy at all-- he is like: "Just push yourself away from the table..." etc.

While I am not morbidly obsese or even in that range of overweight, he knows and sympathizes with my struggles while being supportive but never pushy.  He is awesome, basically.  He is never like: "why don't you lose some weight you look like you've some on" (even though I will think this to myself in the most self-critical way) and he always telling me how 'hot' (his word- not mine) he thinks I am.  This is sweet, and not a put on, I don't think.  He just isn't critical of me and my appearance and loves me as is.

That said: he knows that dieting is my number one "hobby" that I'd love to give up.  We went out to dinner the other night and I said to my friend, "I don't want to die and have my tombstone say:
Vanessa G. 1970-- 2100 (!!)
'She was on a diet.'

You get it, y'all?

SO: after a very long talk and me telling him more about the Beck Diet Solution, how I'm stuck and a bit overwhelmed, he said that he was taking over! (I agreed.)
He wants me to do it his way, and I agree with this as well.  By the way: he is 5'8 and weighs about 165 pounds.  Perfect--I hate him (just kidding.)

We agreed that GRADUAL is key for me, and LIFESTYLE change is so essential.  We also agreed and observed how overwhelmed I get and that is why I give up... so that plan is to keep implementing changes that work over a long time so that I can NEVER be on a diet again, but slowly drop weight to my natural point.

I LOVE this.

Anyone out there looking for a quick inspiration blog about how I dropped 40 pounds in 4 months better go elsewhere... this is going to turn into a blog about how I change my life over a long haul so that the changes are awesome, but totally painless over time.

So I am stepping back from my overwhelming rules and sticking with 1 easier one and 1 harder one for now, and THAT is IT.

Here is it:
1) Keep exercising daily for 30 minutes (I can do more, but the basic concept is 30 minutes daily.)

2) Keep a food journal daily.  We are going to look at it in about 4 weeks for patterns.

The important stuff about the above is that it is slow, it demands consistency and trust in LIFESTYLE (and the point is that we make 1 change at a time-- well, 2 changes if you count the journal-- until the change just feels like "Breathing"-- i.e. no effort)... honesty with myself as well.

I say that the journal is hard b/c quit writing in it when I don't like what I've eaten-- but now I've promised Andre I'd do it.. and it is part of this program for me... so I must.

More soon. What a relief, I am putting myself in his hands and I know he'll help me in a moderate and kind way.

Day 8 -- Still Stuck

Yep, still stuck on Day 8-- again: there is a psychological roadblock. Scheduling is hard.

I will give myself credit for doing better with getting help from Andre, sticking to our new schedule and sticking with daily exercise.  Today: no exercise (flexing my flexibility muscle!) b/c I am under the weather.

I am proud of myself for NO crash dieting-- I am keeping the faith here and working on changes that will work forever.

So things that are working:

1) Exercise daily

2) Sticking with it and keeping the adjustments going until I figure it out

3) Not giving up on Beck Diet Solution b/c I didn't do it "perfectly."  I think I need to actually MAKE the time to do the book and that is the roadblock I am speaking about above.

4) I think I am moving in the right direction-- slowly-- my tightest black slacks are loosening up!

5)  Came up with a new gimick: salad with lunch and dinner.  Simple rules seem to be working for me-- so this is an easy "add" and it may help me keep to the straight and narrow just through the virtue of eating a healthy thing along with a meal.  Not to mention: salad is filling b/c of the volume!

More soon...stay with me kids.