10/02/2009 12:22
The long wait and better-ness
Hey everyone: so I am feeling much better emotionally speaking. I have accepted that I'll be waiting for the weight loss surgery until after the new year-- and have a conference call scheduled with the surgical coordinator for today to plan a new date. Forgive me, I cannot recall whether I explained in my last post that I'm postponing the surgery until 2010 so that we can put the money into a flexible spending account. This will make the outlay almost HALF b/c the money we pay for the surgery will be pre-tax dollars.
Anyhow, onto the finger from hell-- I must say that I am quite grateful to finally have a diagnosis... at least a presumptive diagnosis. That is to say that MRSA seems out (even though I am on the strong antibiotic that kills it and will take the full course b/c that's what you've 'gotta do.') But my finger is FINALLY on the mend-- though looking horrid and disgusting, it feels better-- MUCH less pain. That is the critical thing.
So back to weight loss surgery or "WLS" as I'll call it from here. Such a personal decision and I am glad that I'll do it. I look around me and see many people who have even more weight to lose than I do and it crosses my mind that everyone is not doing this and that WLS is my personal decision and journey. I cannot really concern myself with anyone other than myself.
It is rough to wait several months-- this is a period of time where I've accepted that my weight problem is really beyond anything I've been able to control-- not just a little cosmetic issue for me...even though no actual health problems are rearing their ugly heads yet. Thanks for that!!
But I've had to really take a look at myself and accept that I am truly overweight-- actually clinically "obese"-- yep, I said that word. Ugh. It really is all about numbers-- and a BMI of over 30 classifies you as such if I'm recalling correctly.
Not to mention that a renowned weight loss surgeon took one "look" at me and said "you're an ideal candidate for surgery." Hmmmm-- is that a compliment or an insult ?? Ha, of course it is neither-- but to my sensitive brain: it is both.
The 'ideal candidate' makes me feel good b/c I am in good health, clearly capable, motivated, and look like someone who will be highly successful with a surgical intervention. It makes me feel bad to think I'm heavy enough to qualify.... but: I keep saying to myself, and my husband says too: it is not that I am so overweight NOW-- but that the trend is VERY bad. Gaining around 40 pounds since I've been married... yipes. I do not want to let myself go until I've dieted my way up to morbid obesity and I seem to be ever inching in that direction.
I've been reading alot of WLS (band procedure) blogs-- and they are highly encouraging. People are so smart and really do well afterwards. It is NOT a quick fix at all... it is WORK. It is dieting, but with a powerful tool or set of tools... I am really looking forward to getting it over with and getting on with things.
In the meantime, and once I've a new date-- I feel like I can get out of a certain holding pattern in my brain and charge ahead.
Note: I have a number of important milestones to get through before the surgery-- bleh, it makes it seem so far off:
1) I am giving a lecture to a society of Ortho surgeons in late October-- not looking forward to it much, but the lecture is prepared and I am actually a very good public speaker. It still makes me terribly nervous. Cannot wait to get that overwith.
2) I must get my bi-annual breast check up and I've fallen off with my breast surgeon-- weirdly, I called her office and got no call back. Annoying and I must follow up b/c I need either a mammogram, sonogram or something every 6 months and a must be responsible with being a high risk.
3) We're going on vacation in December (4th through 11thish-- can't recall return date.) This wil hopefully be fun and relaxing and while I was hoping to be much thinner-- it will turn out to be a sort of last 'fat' hurrah...I'll be able to eat whatever I like b/c I won't yet be banded. Of course, I'll try to be reasonable b/c I don't want to gain weight and also b/c I feel sick when I overeat.
4) Work: I've gotta work this whole time. Nuff said. Bleh.
And, life will go on as I 'wait.' So, I will wait and I will also make an effort to enjoy greatly and live my life to the fullest the whole time... not putting myself in a terrible holding pattern prior.