I haven't been here for a few months and EP changed alot! I don't even want to say it-- but I may as well for anyone who will read: I went back to Jenny Craig. I cannot believe it but on their scale I was up to 191 pounds. Whatever.
All I can say is this: I am feeling extremely determined. So much so that I actually returned to Jenny Craig and put myself full and completely back in their hands (again.) But Andre and I talked about this before I went-- he said, don't bother if you're not committed, b/c it will be the same thing over again. He was right.
So he and I discussed and decided that I would commit to following JC for 6 months. Of course, WHEN I do this (notice, I'm not allowing the "if" to come in here,) weight will come off-- but the focus is on staying focused on the JC program for 6 commited months. Staying focused when I DON'T WANT TO ANYMORE. Now is pretty simple (more or less.) I am desperate to get my weight down... I am desperate to stop worrying about things about my body. I am desperate to stop hating myself over this and I am desperate to improve my self-esteem that has been so damaged by my repeated failures.
Enough.
Well anyway: I didn't even want to make this post b/c I don't entirely believe in myself (why would I?) b/c I've failed in the past. BUt the bottom line is NOTHING has ever worked for me like JC did when I did it full force in 2007. The weight literally FELL OFF when I followed the program.
Anyway, just a quick post while I wait here for my boss... waiting to meet with him and did major prep work for our meeting and the minutes are ticking away. Now, he just has 20 minutes before his conference call (this happens almost every Monday.)
Well: here we go-- Isagenix day 1.
I know this program is bullshit with regard to having any magical nutritive powers, but I do see it as pushing the reset button. More later.
So I stayed the course for another day... it is 9:04pm and i'm already up in my room-- no snacking for this evening and making it through the day under 1600 calories (more like 1500 ish.) Yay.
It is literally ONE DAY at a time. But my contingency is working-- it is very real and very now and reminds me of what will happen in the moment if I don't stick to my very reasonable plans..
So, yesterday was a good day. I don't think I've been able to have a run of good days that has gone much past 2 or 3 days, so I am literally taking 1 day at a time. Isn't that the only way anyway?
My Isagenix stuff should arrive tomorrow, which likely means I'll be starting on Thursday. In the meantime, I am keeping my calories at or below 1600 to the best of my abilities...
This morning was really rough and I think I got hungry after I calmed down and wanted some relief.. but I didn't do it. I am very much in the mind set of "I will feel like shit if I don't follow through" and "I don't want to overeat b/c that really and truly DOES NOT make me feel any better at all."
In addition, I recalled some great Dr. Phil (sorry) advice from his weight loss text:
Create 'contingencies'-- this for that... this will help you stick to your program b/c there are consequences if you don't.
Here is my contingency for yesterday and my contingency for today-- I will need to review and develop different ones for each day or so, but this one really worked:
If I do not stick to my diet plan for the day, I cannot wear my rings the following day. (I mean my engagement ring, my wedding band, and my right hand ring on my other hand.)
NOW: this is a GREAT contingency for me b/c I really feel naked without my rings, but it is not a tremendous punishment or something that would totally disrupt my life or call attention to me. For example: I could make a contingency that I cannot wear make-up to work if I cheat the night before-- but I am not sure if I'm ready to do that-- also, I might decide that is just too harsh and that I need to look put together so bag the contingency.
But NOT wearing my rings if I blow it seems to be the 'just right' contingency for me-- motivating enough but not punishing. Just enough of a push to keep going.
By the way: I was hungry last night, but I didn't snack at all. Yay me. Seems like such a small victory-- but it is a big victory and I need to celebrate every day closer to being the me I want to be...
As for urge surfing and back to this morning-- instead of trying to ignore the urge to eat, I didn't ignore the urge, I went ahead and ATE. But I was relatively careful and didn't get anything to eat that I couldn't count in terms of calories. IT may not make for the most balanced of all eating days-- but I will be able to hang in there and stay under 1600 calories today, which is today's goal. Keeping a daily food journal, which is a huge struggle for me, is ON right now, so here is what I've eaten so far-- it is 1:35pm my time as I write this---
So far:
7:30am 1 boca burger; 1/2 tbs of mayo and ~tsp of ketchup; 1 slice hi fiber bread; coffee, splash of 1% milk-- 250 cals
10:45am 1 hard boiled egg; 1 bag of baked lays chips-- 310 cals
11:30 (finish up the chips from above); 1 slim fast snack bar-- 120
1:20pm 1/2 slim fast optima bar-- 110
So I'm up to almost 800 calories today-- and if I am careful, I will get in under 1600 for the day. I guess this whole deal takes alot of work, every day until it sticks.... but the work will be different starting Thursday, at least for 9 days of the Isagenix thing.
I'm focusing on feeling much better about myself and feeling slimmer around my birthday (Oct 5th.)
We shall see.
Hi guys-- I guess I'm a classic case of try something, fail, feel ashamed, avoid, come back, try rinse repeat.
I'm back again... yeah that whole "If not dieting" thing was a really great idea-- but it didn't stick with me. On some level, I've come to the conclusion that I need more structure-- but I have to be willing to get it. I have to admit, in my heart of hearts, I am feeling pretty low about the weight aspect of things. Thinking mean thoughts like: "fat cow" and stuff (I know, this is totally the worst and most terrible stuff-- I hate to even write it.) But maybe if I say that I am automatically thinking these things, I can face my fears and try to do something.
That said: I AM doing a big something-- for the past 3 weeks or so, I've been very regularly going to MARTIAL ARTS training! Ay-ah! Andre and I joined a "do jong' right near our house ("do jong" is Korean for school)-- and we are so into it. I am really harboring the not so secret fantasy that I will someday earn a black belt. I am completely aware that weight loss will ease and speed the journey-- so that is why I guess I feel bad... b/c I know I need to do something.
ALso: I've been spending time on the RIDICULOUSLY addictive FACEBOOK. For anyone who is of the younger grouping on EP-- I am sure you know it, but for the 'older' folks, Facebook.com has not been such a force. However, now friends and family of mine from all over everywhere are on Facebook, and I can see their pictures, catch up and it is really so easy.
Another note: one of the younger docs I work with, a very athletic orthopaedic surgeon, CL, has really encouraged me to try this "Isagenix" program-- and so it is on my way to my house.
Guys: I know that 'cleansing' programs are bullshit and whatever, but that's what this is... however: I read up on it and it cannot hurt me. Also, a doctor friend of mine, whom I really trust, has done this program and is feeling really good and has been successful.. So I have this motivator of having her set me up on the program, helping me get the 9 day 'cleanse' program for wholesale price and just encourage me that I can do anything for a short period of time.
Here is the web site-- I am not endorsing this at all-- but I've read enough to know that it is just a way to get myself motivated (maybe) by doing something new for a number of days and seeing some quck results.
http://www.isagenixweightloss.net/?source=google
Now that I've owned up to another 'failure' to y'all, I'm sure I'll be back-- perhaps I'll have the courage to post about my 9 day Isagenix journey... I probably will b/c Ill want to chronicle the whole thing.
PS: :If anyone would like to visit me on www.facebook.com , pleae EMAIL me on EP and I will give you access, but to be perfectly honest, I'd rather keep my EP and FB accounts unlinked via easy internet links. I know EP is online and anyone can read it or find me should they really really want to-- but I feel like I keep EP a bit off to the side b/c I confide so much about the weight aspects of my life, some of which I do note that in an otherwise very wonderful and complete life-- I feel a bit bad and sometimes ashamed and failning in this isolated component.
If not dieting-- then what/ Thanks Rasberry Cordial
Hi everyone:
I am doing well-- I got an idea from Rasberry Cordial and got the book "IF not dieting, then what?" and it advocates all the ideas I'm always talking about but never executing: stop dieting. Forgive myself the shame, come up with a way to work it out so I have a life with food that is in balance and not all or nothing.
To augment this: I also have a weight loss hypnosis CD and I am using both together. I have so much more to read in the If not dieting book (It is pretty dry and boring as a read-- but so much valuable stuff in there...) and so much further I can go with this weight loss hypnosis Cd.
But today was a really good and balanced day-- not a diet day-- an intuitive day. I am up in my room and will not be night snacking.
If I can keep up a search for balance, and be consistently consistent, I hope I can lose some weight-- my body to adjust to less intake, less erratic eating and overall healthier approach. Day by day.
>>> As you have seen, been absent a while... bad news, fell of the track. I've been struggling with getting on an even emotional keel, and on some level, really understand that I must start from a firm basis to get myself together. All of this is happening in my head, ie: my performance in my work and social life outside my home is fine-- but my family knows (and I tell them) when I'm struggling with depression. I'm back with my doctor to manage the medication I take, so that is good-- and I know I'll get it back together pretty soon, but it explains why it's been extra hard to get my chaotic eating under control.
So: small steps. I am sticking to trying the weight watchers, back to logging points today-- and also, will try for the next 7 days to do one new rule, are you ready:
NO EATING AFTER DINNER/ NO NIGHT SNACKS/ NO DESSERTS!
This is just for 1 week-- and I will work to eat enough during the day to make this happen-- I am focusing on 1 thing. More soon, y'all.
So even though yesterday was a 'failure' -- today I've had a big success that reminds of the expression: the "motivation is in the doing."
I have been really stressed for the past 24 hours. I have alot of work stress with 4 new Faculty joining our department, 3 of whom I am virtually solely responsible for ensuring their entire practices are arranged. This comes with its own pitfalls, stresses etc and 2 of the practices are very big high rollers-- we expect one to bring additional revenue to our billing office of at least $70,000. That is just for our department, I am not even talking about the revenue to the hospital..
In addition, though I love my house and my area, the commute is wearing on me and I know that I'm going to have to speak to my boss (read: get up the courage) regarding working from home 'officially' on at least 1 day per week-- it just makes a huge difference. Today, I am working from home but i don't technically have 'permission.' However-- I really make my own hours and do my own thing, I work 7 days a week if I have to (thank you Blackberry) so the only 'wrong' I'm committing is that I didn't clear this with my boss... he knew I was attending a meeting at 7:30 am via conference call today... but I am digressing.
So: today was stressful in the morning with the call and taking Jordan to school etc etc-- I ate 2 fig newtons for breakfast. A bad choice-- but the only one I had.
By the time lunchtime rolled around, I fully intended to get to a Mcdonalds and get a quarter pounder and fries-- but I stopped myself along the way!!! Yes.
I had a better choice instead: I got a slice of whole wheat veggie pizza at our local pizzaria-- I know it is not salad at home-- but better than fast food. This is progress for me and the motivation is in the doing.
I feel like continuing on b/c of the success... one day at a time.
I am still going pretty strong. I don't think this is going to be the walk in the park that I had with Jenny Craig or WW the very first time. I am not as black and white/ perfectionistic as I once was-- and I'm almost 38-- I do believe my metabolism isn't quite what it used to be.
That being said, I'm still on WW program!!! Yes. I am working the points system and getting more confident. Last night I re-learned about respecting my hunger and planning ahead. I came home from work with 14.5 points left (out of 24 , so you can see a bit of imbalance there)-- and I didn't really think dinner through... I just was SO HUNGRY.
So I logged all of these points:
10 large olives (I LOVE salt.); ~36 bachman mini pretzels; 2 lite chicken sausages; grilled peppers; 2 chips ahoy cookies (I know.)
I wound up eating into some of my flex points to account for all of this-- I forget how many points all of this was, but it must have been nearly 20....
But I am not beating myself up or throwing in the towel all. I can think of yesterday as a good high points-ish 'Wendie' day. Today, I need to reign it in and be careful to stay at 22-24 points. I know I'll be going down to 22 points as soon as I hit the 170's (maybe low 170's-- so I am prepared for that.)
Today, so far, I've eating my famous 2 egg whites, 1 slice bread and tomato sandwich with coffee for breakfast, and once again, I am writing around 10:50 am-- so I've been snacking on what I brought to eat today: 2 plums; another sandwich with 3 thin slices of ham and cucumber; and 1/2 a cup of Kashi Golean crunch cereal.
This leaves me with a substantial number of points for this evening. I am thinking we might go out for sushi or some other restaurant due to my mom picking up my son from school and us having to pick him up from her house (may as well go out.) Sushi might be a great choice-- the alternative would be a nice broiled piece of fish (I'll have to halve the portion I'm sure) and some salad at a good restaurant-- we have tons in the area. Have I mentioned I love my new house!!
I am feeling really optimistic and good about the diet plan-- yes!! I know I need to log in some exercise, but as I said yesterday-- don't want to get hyper-focused on that b/c I lose my food focus and that is the key for me. I believe I can stick with this if I continue to stay focused, take one day at a time, continue to plan and think it through. It will not be easy, but it will be worth it to get slimmer.
Did I mention my pants are a bit looser? NSV baby!
