I'm with the band

Do or do not, there is not try.

My Profile

  • Name: Tisfor
  • City: Roseland
  • Region: New Jersey
  • Country: United States

My Weight Loss

Height: 162.6cm
Start weight: 178.40lb
Current weight: 187.30lb
Goal weight: 140.00lb
Lost to date: -8.90lb
Remaining: 47.30lb

My Calendar

25
April '14
< April >
S M T W T F S
    1 2 3 4 5
6 7 8 9 10 11 12
13 14 15 16 17 18 19
20 21 22 23 24 25 26
27 28 29 30      

My Photos

Before After

Don't get lost...

Hi, some of you may remember my defunct blog, Dinnerland.  I am reviving it because even though I love EP, Blog spot is where alot of lap band folks tend to hang out and it will be a little bit easier for me to keep up with them and get into that communication group.
I feel a little 'nowhere' at the moment because I am the 'waiting place' for the surgery.  This is self-imposed and it is good-- giving me lots of time to consider the life changes and get myself mentally prepared... but still-- it is a sucky wait and I am 'nowhere' in terms of a diet identity in my mind.
I like to be with a group who can identify in the same way with the same struggles... and while and any of you can easily relate to my diet struggles-- I'm not seeing 'bandsters' on here much, if at all.
Everything is coming out a little wrong-- but to any of my friends or even folks who see this blog for the first time-- come and visit me and I may decide that EP is the way to go and come back.
I just don't want to get lost b/c I'm intending to be in touch through this journey in one way or another.
I hope you are all doing well and reading this from a happy place!!

The long wait and better-ness

Hey everyone: so I am feeling much better emotionally speaking.  I have accepted that I'll be waiting for the weight loss surgery until after the new year-- and have a conference call scheduled with the surgical coordinator for today to plan a new date.  Forgive me, I cannot recall whether I explained in my last post that I'm postponing the surgery until 2010 so that we can put the money into a flexible spending account.  This will make the outlay almost HALF b/c the money we pay for the surgery will be pre-tax dollars.
 
Anyhow, onto the finger from hell-- I must say that I am quite grateful to finally have a diagnosis... at least a presumptive diagnosis.  That is to say that MRSA seems out (even though I am on the strong antibiotic that kills it and will take the full course b/c that's what you've 'gotta do.') But my finger is FINALLY on the mend-- though looking horrid and disgusting, it feels better-- MUCH less pain.  That is the critical thing.
 
So back to weight loss surgery or "WLS" as I'll call it from here.  Such a personal decision and I am glad that I'll do it.  I look around me and see many people who have even more weight to lose than I do and it crosses my mind that everyone is not doing this and that WLS is my personal decision and journey.  I cannot really concern myself with anyone other than myself.
 
It is rough to wait several months-- this is a period of time where I've accepted that my weight problem is really beyond anything I've been able to control-- not just a little cosmetic issue for me...even though no actual health problems are rearing their ugly heads yet.  Thanks for that!!
But I've had to really take a look at myself and accept that I am truly overweight-- actually clinically "obese"-- yep, I said that word.  Ugh.  It really is all about numbers-- and a BMI of over 30 classifies you as such if I'm recalling correctly. 
Not to mention that a renowned weight loss surgeon took one "look" at me and said "you're an ideal candidate for surgery."  Hmmmm-- is that a compliment or an insult ?? Ha, of course it is neither-- but to my sensitive brain: it is both.

The 'ideal candidate' makes me feel good b/c I am in good health, clearly capable, motivated, and look like someone who will be highly successful with a surgical intervention.  It makes me feel bad to think I'm heavy enough to qualify.... but: I keep saying to myself, and my husband says too: it is not that I am so overweight NOW-- but that the trend is VERY bad. Gaining around 40 pounds since I've been married... yipes.  I do not want to let myself go until I've  dieted my way up to morbid obesity and I seem to be ever inching in that direction.
 
I've been reading alot of WLS (band procedure) blogs-- and they are highly encouraging.  People are so smart and really do well afterwards.  It is NOT a quick fix at all... it is WORK.  It is dieting, but with a powerful tool or set of tools... I am really looking forward to getting it over with and getting on with things.

In the meantime, and once I've a new date-- I feel like I can get out of a certain holding pattern in my brain and charge ahead. 
 
Note: I have a number of important milestones to get through before the surgery-- bleh, it makes it seem so far off:
1) I am giving a lecture to a society of Ortho surgeons in late October-- not looking forward to it much, but the lecture is prepared and I am actually a very good public speaker.  It still makes me terribly nervous. Cannot wait to get that overwith.
2) I must get my bi-annual breast check up and I've fallen off with my breast surgeon-- weirdly, I called her office and got no call back.  Annoying and I must follow up b/c I need either a mammogram, sonogram or something every 6 months and a must be responsible with being a high risk.
3) We're going on vacation in December (4th through 11thish-- can't recall return date.)  This wil hopefully be fun and relaxing and while I was hoping to be much thinner-- it will turn out to be a sort of last 'fat' hurrah...I'll be able to eat whatever I like b/c I won't yet be banded.  Of course, I'll try to be reasonable b/c I don't want to gain weight and also b/c I feel sick when I overeat.
4) Work: I've gotta work this whole time. Nuff said. Bleh.
 
And, life will go on as I 'wait.'  So, I will wait and I will also make an effort to enjoy greatly and live my life to the fullest the whole time... not putting myself in a terrible holding pattern prior.

More woes-- and it is good to get it OFF my chest

Wow, journaling is SO powerful, y'all.  It feels so good to tell you guys the story and vomit it out b/c it is like its own infection.  Crazy bad and I don't even feel lke I have a right to complain so much-- so many worse things can happen in the world.  And thank God it is ME instead of my husband or my son.  That would be worse by 4 bllion fold.
 
Anyhow: so now I'm at the point where I believe there are SLIGHT improvements to be noticed.  Yesterday, I went 8 hours without a pain pill and that was historic in recent memory... and the finger continues to be itchy.  Both signs that this is the viral infection-- not it's bad sister, MRSA.  We wait for the cultures.
 
As for the Weight loss surgery-- I haven't rescheduled it YET, but based on the fact that it will be late October before I clear this virus, and the fact that we're going away in December to "Beaches"--YAY!-- AND the major savings we will have by putting funds into Flexible health spending account (so the surgery is paid for before taxes)-- I'm postponing until January,

That is a painfully long time-- but I'll have to find a way.  You may find me here bitching and complaining in the weeks to come.... but I am a tough girl and I am going to come up with a strategy leading up to my surgery date to make the time pass relative to waiting for the surgery to happen,
 
Here are some thoughts--
I want to get pyschologically prepared for the surgery-- this run up time will be instrumental in learning all I can about what to expect after the band
I want to get physically ready-- while I am waiting out the virus, I've got to be honest-- dieting hasn't been my priority... but I will be thinking through healthier choices soon (doing my best in the meantime,,, but the 7 day liquid fast was followed by some hedonistic eating in my crisis. Sigh.)
I will create a NEW countdown to the surgery once a new date is planned-- this will help me with the mental readiness and also handling the wait time.
 
Once I can do these things-- particularly scheduling of the surgery-- which I am a bit afraid to do right now with my finger continuing as is... feel superstious... I will feel more settled on the weight loss front.
 
Of course, there have been some second thoughts-- but after discussing with my DH who is awesome-- I've decided to move ahead once I am physically healed from this finger disaster.   I am ideal candidate and I just don't want to get-- ahem-- 'fatter' and make it harder on myself. 

The worst thing about the WLS plan and the 3 month wait is the acceptance that I am overweight enough to have such a procedure and my issues warrant it and having to wait... it is like saying this in raw terms "I'm fat but I have to wait to do the thing that will help be not be fat anymore."  Yes: I know I can lose some weight before the surgery-- and I hope to do so-- but with the finger front and center-- while I don't want to be fat, my fat can't be my focus.

Argh.

Well: thanks for listening-- love to you all and I plan to be around here for venting and checking in on my friends alot more.  I cannot wait to be ready for the surgery and be a success story.... I know that the surgery isn't a quick fix-- but I believe that it is right for me, and it is a tool that I will do well with having.
 
More soon,

The good, the bad and the disappointing

This has been a whirlwind time -- and most of it not so good.  I cannot remember what I wrote last... but from your kind and supportive comments, it seems that I mentioned my surgery might be postponed, 
Well, sure enough: THE SURGERY WAS POSTPONED,  Fuck.

But my life really turned into one big finger for a few days,,, and it became very obvious that the finger was the priority and the weight would have to, ahem, wait.
 
I have been on a crazy odessy for the past few days... with the end run being that while we are still not totally certain what is in my finger-- it looks hopeful that it is NOT MRSA.
 
I had my finger re-numbed and 'cultured' for bacteria, fungus, viral -- a whole panel of potential disgusting crap and that was done Sunday.  We won't know for days-- but when I saw my hand surgeon in the urgent care center on Sunday (after a complete flip out and break down on Sat. night)-- he saw a new sign that made him think that is is VIRAL.
 
He thinks that what is actually going on is -- vomit-- 'Herpetic Whitlow"-- which is a herpes infection in the finger.  Please excuse me to anyone who has herpes, it is extremely common in the world-- but I have NEVER had Herpes (not the mouth sore kind or the genital kind) and I have no idea where I would have gotten this so it is totally horrible and disgusting.
 
But: honestly, of the 2 infectious choices, I think I'd take herpes-- b/c it is 'self-limited'-- which means: yep, it would have gone away all by itself if we'd just left it alone,
 
My surgeon told me that there is a saying in medicine that goes something like:
"Common things often come with UNCOMMON presentations; and uncommon thins often come with COMMEN presentations.." or something like that- -which is a very potential and unfortunate description of what went on here.
 
It all started around 3 weeks ago with a red and sore area on my cuticle that very much appeared to be a common problem-- a "paronychia,"  And when he tried the treatment of choice, incision and drainage-- it got WORSE, which was unusual.  But we proceeded b/c it still looked like a commonplace situation.  When it spread around to the other side of my cuticle -- my whole nail had to be removed and that made matter worse still.
 
Finally: after 4 antibiotics trials and no success- the presumption was MRSA_- but my stupid finger didn't even respond to the STRONGEST DRUG ON THE MARKET that one can take by mouth (Zyvox.)  By the way: this drug costs $2400!!! Can we say health care reform? Fortunately, my insurance covered it... but drug companies-- COME ONE!!!
 
OK, I digress.
 
So, once the finger doesn't show any signs of improvement on the Zyvox, I really begin to have a complete fit.  I actually contacted my boss (the Chairman of my dept) in desperation on Sat. night (!!!) and asked him to help me find a new Infectious disease doc-- and then things got into serious motion.  He really helped set things straight again.,  Re-contacted my hand surgeon-- whom I  thought was OFF the case b/c it was infectious-- and that is how I wound up in urgent care on Sunday,

When my doc saw the finger again on Sunday and was about to do a 3rd incision and drainage plus another procedure to help it drain-- a new sign showed up that turned the case over: I had 3 tiny little dots on my finger that are a 'classic sign' of herpetic whitlow.  AND: my finger had begun to itch and burn a bit-- AND showed now sign of healing (that could be seen) with regard to the antibiotic,
 
Thus: he didn't do the incision/drainage-- but just numbed me up and cultured the finger (b/c my finger hurts so badly without numbing-- there was no other way) and now we wait,
 
Meanwhile: I continue on my antiobiotic course in case the finger is "super-infected'-- hope not-- and wait 2 to 3 weeks to heal on my own ,  I also have an acyclovir cream for my finger that I'm applying 6 x daily,
 
YES: I am being insanely careful with my finger so I don't spread this disgustingness to my herpes free husband and child.
 
SO that's the infection story as it currently stands.  Though we're not 100% certain (via culture result) yet-- the presumption is VIRAL and self-limiting and that means pain meds (which I HATE to take, but take begrudingly so as not to suffer) and time to heal.
 
This post is too long I will put in a part 2.

Surgery postponed, thx MRSA

Yep, the surgery got postponed.  It's more complicated than one could imagine b/c I am allergic to bactrum that would surely knock this out.  So we're first trying clindamycin-- but I've had 2 doses already-- and the ID doc says by about the 3rd dose I should be noticing a difference.

Well, no difference yet except I feel like I am going to jump out of my skin from all of this over my finger.  I need to find a zen place to be and know it will all work out but the days are ticking by, my life is on hold now b/c of my fucking finger and my fucking finger is not better yet.  I am also in pain.  It fucking hurts. All of these antibiotics cannot be good for my system either.
 
I could scream but I am too busy taking pills and running around to doctors to do that.  I am so angry. I know I need to calm down and accept reality, it is what it is and it will have to get better.
 
If the clinda doesn't work, the medication to xyvox-- but that messes with a medication that I am currently on,,, hmm, I need to look that up.
 
All I am is a big swollen and painful finger right now.

187.3-- going down and infection in my finger

Have I mentioned that I have a bad infection in my right index finger.  Going to see an infectious disease doc to finally figure it out-- my hand surgeon did all he could and the infection is stuck.  Fuck.
Looks like MRSA-- heard of that? We'll see-- but it looks like I'll be on a heavy duty antibiotic for 10 days (Clindamycin)-- can't wait to see the doc at 2pm and get those pills going-- I am not filling the rx from the hand doc until my visit with the ID doc.
 
If my stupid finger was not so pre-occupying, I'd be shouting to everywhere that I have lost around 5 pounds!  Liquid diets, y'all.
I just hope my surgery will not be postponed by this finger stupidity-- but it seems doubtful.
 
More soon-- just a few more days of pre-op liquid diet to go!! (Surgery is on MONDAY.) But then, more liquid diet for 10 more days... finally then onto purees....
Have I mentioned: anyone who thinks weight loss surgery is the easy way out is clearly out of his/ her mind? It is not an easy way-- but it seems to be a valid way to work things out when all else has failed.

Late afternoon/ Surgical clearance

I believe that I am cleared-- I had my pre-admission testing and they called me to say all my labs were fine and the nurse (who was very nice!) told me that I had a beautiful EKG.  Awesome, more to the point of why I am doing this NOW instead of waiting to get excuse me-- fatter-- and sick.  I am glad I'm healthy but my whole view is distorted of myself.  I have a 'reverse anorexia' of denial of just how overweight I am . Wah.
 
Anyhow: that is not to shame and blame-- just to come to terms with why I am really doing this and the fact that the sacrifices will be worth the freedom from yo-yo dieting.
 
I'm also glad to report that I seem to be doing REALLY well with the liquid diet-- better than some others seem to report on the lap band support boards I've been reading voraciously.  I am not struggling to follow the doctor's orders to stick with the liquid diet.  It is what it is.
Do I enjoy no solid food? NO. But, if that's what I'm supposed to do to have a successful result, and I'm being asked to do it for a mere 10 days-- I CAN do it.
 
I was saying that I cannot wait to get started to my MIL, and she reminded me that I HAVE started-- now I am 5 days into the liquid diet, and when today ends, I will have less days to get through than I have already done.  Of course, I have an additional 10 days of liquid diet AFTER the surgery as well.

Anyone who says this is 'an easy way out' is bananas.
 
My very wise friend of these boards, Noodles, reminds me that losing the weight is just the start-- and the keeping it off is SO key.  Noodles: I could not agree more.  In fact, from what I understand, the keeping it off is a main reason to do the banding surgery.  Yes: I can white knuckle any diet with my level of determination when I apply it... but no one can white knuckle her whole life.  That is what the band is for... it won't do it for me, but it will be a tool to keep my appetite at bay-- and that will help me LOSE and MAINTAIN.

I've got alot of learning ahead of me... it is like learning to eat all over again b/c your stomach is different (not cut, but restricted.)  Anyhow: I am eating an elephant, so to speak-- one bite at a time, and that's the best I can do.

Some good things that are coming of my liquid diet-- my head is cleared of diet nonsense and lots of things occur to me, here are a few:
1) I've never really been 'free' to eat what I want-- that is a lie I tell myself, and I'm up against that lie every time I need to buy a larger size, worry that my clothes will look tight, or worry that someone I've run into whom I haven't seen in a while is thinking "gosh, she gained weight."
2) I'm willing to really change my life in a way I've never done.  I know this is forever.  I know I'll be eating smaller portions for all time... but I also am hopeful that with the help of the band, it will be much easier to acclimate and continue the habit of small portions
3) I have emotional eating tendencies, and the surgery won't make these go away.  But the surgery will give me a powerful tool to fight those tendencies and work on other coping mechanisms.  I've never eaten "out of control" from emotions-- I've just 'used' food in lots of wrong ways.  I'm currently unlearning coping with stress by eating-- I'm having to deal with surgery prep with no food for comfort.
 
There is probably so much more, but we'll all have to wait and see what is revealed over time as the layers come off.

188.5-- even liquid diets don't make you lose every day

I think I've been as compliant on this liquid diet as I have ever been on any diet in my whole life. More soon.

afternoon of liquid diet day 4

Not rushing home b/c it is easier to stay away from food at work-- though I am looking forward to a nice rest at home this evening...
 
My mother questioned me today and asked me what would take the place of food-- which has been a comfort and an entertainment at times... not really a 'friend'-- more like a 'frenemy.'
 
One thing I'll be doing is shopping and fantasizing about all of the great clothes I'll get to wear, and I am lately very pre-occupied with the whole goal-setting process... how should I set my goals???
According to the beck diet solution, which is good, I'd say I ought to be going in 5 pound increments... that is probably wise to do.
As for long term, I've heard of some people struggling with weight gain after years on the band-- I mean you do have to exert continued control... so: I am thinking that I should aim to reach a great low weight for me: maybe 125 pounds.
Perhaps I'll not get there-- but it would be great if I could use this tool to get to that ultimate goal place.
Most banded people lose around a pound a week once the initial excitement wears off-- and with my weight hopefully being around 185 when I go in for surgery (dare I hope to lose 3 more pounds? it is mostly water weight anyway...)- then I'd be looking for a 60 pound weight loss to get to 125...
I will set other goals along the way too, like getting to BMI of 30 (overweight instead of obese) and then getting to 145 lbs-- which is a BMI of 29.4 (normal range.)
More 'food' for thought...

188.3 liquid diet continues

I know if I were reading this, i might be asking-- well, if you can lose weight like this (so quick and seemingly 'so easy'-- on a liquid diet/ diet without surgery, then what is the surgery for?
What I'm gathering in the posts on the lap band forums I've checked out is that it is not the weight LOSS that is the big thing but the keeping it off that is so HUGE. (No pun intended.)
Most people would look at me and say I don't look overweight 'enough' to have the surgery-- but the surgery is NOT about what the outside looks like at all.  I am really discovering alot in this pre-op period.
Namely: this surgery is for health-- and for longevity and for stopping the madness too.  Yes: I could lose this weight again... I am FINALLY seeing results again after all of these failed attempts, just with a few days of the liquid diet.
Obviously-this is not a sustainable life.... but still: I could drop a lot of weight pretty quickly like this. (By the way: this is a medically prescribed liquid diet, I didn't just go off half-cocked and decide to try to lose a bunch of weight pre-sugery.) Still: the bottom line for me is that I am taking this fairly drastic step to finally end the yo-yo craziness. To get on with things. To focus my energies on something other than which is the next diet and will my pants be too tight.  The limits are the limits-- but in the end, I believe that I am buying 'freedom' by doing this...

Tracker