Soooooooo, I'm in a fantastic mood today! Feelin' good about this whole diet thing, even better now that my mom and my sister-in-law to-be have decided to join me in my little adventure. Mom's decided now that she is going to start cooking Weight Watcher's recipes, despite protest from my dad and my brother. We all have different reasons why the extra weight is there, and different reasons for wanting to lose it. My mom, it's mostly health concern, she's always been overweight, and her blood pressure and cholestoral are through the roof. My SIN(Sister-in-law) has about 40-50lbs of pregnancy weight to drop, so we're both sitting right around the same weight, and both looking to lose weight for the same reason, to feel sexy and beautiful and wonderful again. Hopefully my big brother jumps on board soon enough, he's pushing 250 now, and you can totally see the drop in his energy, and confidence.
Besides the whole weight-loss thing, I'm quite excited for my date tonight. I didn't let myself look forward to it too much, as I kept thinking in the back of my mind "He probably won't even call". Well, he did, around noon today, just to let me know he had some laundry and stuff to take care of, and then he'd call me later on. So I dug into my own laundry, cleaned up my room, and helped mom with housework, had a shower, and now thinking I ought to get dressed and ready so that I'll be ready to go do whatever when he does call. So I'm off to do that. Have a fantastic day ladies!
And ready to give it a go again.. Fell off the wagon for nearly two months. Just went through a phase of utter uckiness, feeling unsexy, and a little hopeless.
The good news is, I haven't gained any... The only real difference now, is that now that I've reached about half my goal weight, my support system seems to have gone down the flusher. I moved back to my hometown recently, and though my old friends and coworkers are willing to comment on what I've lost thus far, they are entirely unsupportive in my reaching my goal... Getting the "You're perfect the way you are."... Hell, I want to go to the beach this summer(heck, even in my own backyard), in a bikini, and feel not just "comfortable", but sexy! That's right folks, I want my sexy back!
I've got a new guy in my life, we're actually going on our first real "date" on Friday. I'm excited, and a little nervous, but mostly excited. Sadly enough though, I'm still in that "Fat-girl" mindset regarding dating... The "why-would-he-wanna-be-with-me" feeling that I just can't seem to kick.
I'm at a kind of starting over point in my life, I've moved back to my hometown, am currently staying with my folks, attempting to get back in touch with old friends, make some new ones, and figure out what I really actually want to do with my life. I've been layin' low for a while, trying to sort out some of these feelings; resentment, anger, hurt, disappointment; and though I haven't come to any real conclusions, I've accepted them at face value, and working on moving on. Getting back to work was a step, working out issues with my family was another, and now we're working on this thing with getting my sorry rear back into the dating world.
Which is hard to do when you feel fat and gross and unattractive. Yech. Anybody got some confidence boosting ideas by chance? Sure could use some advice in that area...
Haven't been keeping up with my food log, mosty because I haven't had time, and by the time I think of it, ya think I could remember exactly what I'd eaten in a day?
Secondly, I just haven't been eating much of anything. Been running nonstop since about Monday, finishing up my last week at work, packing, cleaning, trying to make arrangements to move my stuff into storage, of which there are none so far... I know of nobody with a truck, and now that I actually have furniture, there's no way of moving my stuff in a car. The small stuff yeah, but the furniture would totally just not fit.
Took my work keys home with me yesterday(my last day), and D called to see if I had them. Checked, called him back, and he told me to call a taxi and have them sent over, and that they'd pay for it. Gosh do I feel dumb. But it's all taken care of now. He did remind me that he was going to come visit me. Considering the circumstances, it was still nice to hear his voice(pathetic hey?)
We didn't fight at all this last week, joked around a lot in fact. It probably would've been easier if I could've left still frustrated and mad at him. Now, well, I'm gonna miss him like crazy. He should be coming to visit within the next two weeks.
My nasty little monthly friend reared it's ugly little head yesterday, and holy hell does it hurt... Not to mention the wicked mood swings, I've been a basketcase. Ugh. I feel bloated and gross, and just ugh.
I didn't get a chance to relax all weekend, and now I'm more beat now then when I left work Friday. *sighs* However, I had loads of fun! Which makes it all worth while. Now I only have to make it through a week of work, until I have some time, hopefully *crosses fingers*, to relax between packing and cleaning the next week.
Got in loads of exercise that was actually fun; ie- laps around the mall, dancing my butt of Saturday night, playing crazy Wii sport games. And managed to stick to eating good foods, and small amounts every three hours. Slacked off on yoga, and now I'm paying for it(some sore...). Cheated and had cake on Friday, and a few drinks Saturday. Paid for that one this morning, oh my... Hopped on my mom's scale again this morning, and have lost the two pounds I gained over the holidays, so that was a happy moment.
The guy I invited out for my birthday party never showed up... *pouts* I imagine he'll probably have a good reason, afterall, he was going out there to see his friends, and most likely would be going along with what they wanted to do. Must remember that, despite feeling quite disappointed. Wonder what he'll have to say about it tomorrow, if anything... I shouldn't expect much, I haven't known him long.
Got home, hungry, only to remember I haven't gone grocery shopping yet. Cupboards are looking pretty bare, and there's nothing here I really want to eat. So, going to go to bed soon, and sleep in a little late. I'll grab breakfast from Timmy's on my way in to work. And absolutely must pick up some groceries before I head home. Seriously. Lol, inventory of my cupboard and fridge. Coffee, coffee creamer, one can of soup, and iced tea mix. Not good. Thankfully, I still have coffee to start off my day.
No time to post the greatness that is my food diary, as I really should be hitting the hay soon.
I've been pretty much on track this past week, but for a few lunches-on-the-go that had a higher than necessary calorie count. Been working 11 and 12 hour days, so I've been eating a bit here and there, every two hours as my breaks at work allow for.
Looking forward to a weekend off, one more day, thank God. Heading to the folks' for the weekend, and will hopefully manage to contain myself with my mother's incredible cooking, Will be cheating a bit on Saturday, but it's a given, and allowed(I know, excuses excuses...) as my birthday was Monday, and Saturday is for celebrations. Celebrations involving liquor. I will attempt to stick to my rum and diet coke. I'm not making myself any promises however.
The best part about this weekend? A date, yes, an actual REAL date for my birthday party. All because of a momentary boost in my self-esteem, and the fact that this guy is incredibly easy to talk to. The best? The way his face lit up when I asked him out, he looked so excited! Sure as heck feels great!
I've been bickering a good deal with D lately, and it's starting to look like this thing isn't going anywhere. We aren't dating, so, as much as it's going to piss him off when/if he hears of my date with this other guy, I'm excited for it. To go out with a guy who isn't irrationally moody, and makes me feel like I should be grateful that he's around. I deserve a guy who gets excited about the idea of spending time with me, right? I just hope my friends don't scare him off... They're a little... abrasive.. at times. And most of them are a good deal older than the two of us. If you've ever heard the phrase "Cougars", you'll understand.
On a slightly depressive note, he lives over two hours away from me, he just happens to be a visiting staff member at my work for two weeks, and has friends in my hometown that he's visiting this weekend. So I'm also catching a ride out there with him. The hour trip should give me some idea of how interested he is, or if, God forbid, he thinks I'm easy. I'm not going into this with any expectations, it's a first date(and not really a date, as we won't have a whole lot of time alone together). But I will admit, I'm still excited for it. Prepare for the worst and hope for the best.
I haven't been around much, but I've managed to make it through the holiday season with a gain of only two pounds.
I've fallen off the wagon with tracking my food intake, but I suppose I've been lucky. I'm not letting myself get too discouraged with it, as I did manage to avoid most temptations of rich foods and sugary treats at the hands of my mother. Putting in a crazy amount of overtime at work lately, in preparation for our grand opening. This is the first weekend I've had off where I can truly relax.
Have gotten into the glorious habit of yoga. Mostly just basic yoga stretches to warm up before I start my day. It's proven fantastic, because I can start the day off feeling relaxed, and I'm a lot less sore at the end of a hard work day. I intend to purchase a yoga DVD, and try out a few different poses, see if they work for me as well.
Apartment hunting has been a huge stressor in my life, becoming quite frustrated with it really. Every listing I've called has either already been rented, or their unwilling to rent to a single 20-something. Lack of being able to find a place is screwing with my plans to purchase a treadmill once I'm settled. I'm scared I'm going to wind up homeless...
Anyways, food tracking for yesterday and today(so far):
01/12 Breakfast
Everything bagel with butter
Coffee Snack
Small apple
Coffee Lunch Turkey Sandwich on whole wheat with low fat mayo
Mott's Garden Cocktail drink Dinner
2 slices Pizza
4 Hot wings
Iced Tea
01/13 Breakfast Slept through it Lunch 2 slices cold Pizza
Coffee
So I've decided that I am in fact going to buy a treadmill, though it will have to wait until February at the very earliest, after I've moved. Because I'm not too keen on the idea of purchasing another large item that I'll have to find a way to get down to my new place.
Yesterday went well.
Breakfast - Bagel w/ butter and coffee
Snack - Nutrigrain bar
Lunch - Salad with chicken and ranch dressing and juice
Supper - Skniless chicken with mmmm hot sauce, rice, and juice
Today, I've got this urge to throw everything out the window and inhale a big bowl of ice cream and brownies... Oh yes ladies, my lovely monthly friend has reared it's ugly head, and somehow, chocolate will make it better, I think I may treat myself to just one brownie square...
Things are starting to balance out a little now. Last night was the first good nights' sleep I've gotten in a week, and I made it through yesterday without crying. I could hardly choke down a bite in the days approaching the funeral, the first one I've ever attended. It was hard.
Yesterday went well... okay, food wise.
Breakfast - Scrambled egg whites, and coffee
Lunch - 1/4 pounder from McD's, and orange juice
Snack - A brownie
Supper - Baked chicken, broccoli, rice, and fruit juice
I'll post today's once today is done.
It's been a while since a weigh-in, as I don't own a scale, and have yet to be out to visit my mother. It ought to be a positive day when I do.
Things have been going extremely well with D, besides my aggravating impatience. After deciding I was tired of being shy, I asked him out on Friday. Unfortunately, it was a no go, but we had a good chat as to the reasons why. We're both frustrated with the policy, and he assured me that although he was saying no, once my transfer to the other store had gone through, his only answer to my question would have been "What time?". Rules are rules, and we do have to follow them if we don't want to be terminated. He did comment though, that he was likely to break the rules pretty soon. Well, I'm impatient. Pretty soon isn't good enough, and I certainly don't want to wait until my transfer has gone through, 5 1/2 weeks!
I've been debating about asking him to join me and my family for Christmas, as he's going to be spending it alone. Just as friends of course, it's too early to think about bringing him home to "meet the folks", we haven't even gone out on an actual date. I'm a little apprehensive about it, my family is, well, nuts. I love them dearly, but they're nuts. I'm going to do it though, even if he says no, at least I don't have to feel guilty all Christmas Day thinking about him sitting at home alone.
I helped him pick out a treadmill on Monday, which he hasn't bought yet because his perception of space is WAY off, and there's no way it'll fit into his car. I've offered to help him put it together, I've become quite the expert on exercise equipment, research done to make my job a little easier. I work in a sporting goods department, and it's turned me into quite the fitness nut. And it's definitely a positive that he's buying a treadmill, because I don't think I could date anybody know who wasn't health-concious. A weird thing for a chubby girl to say. I wouldn't mind buying one myself, though I've considered just going out for a run in the mornings before work, instead of spending an hour with my laptop.
I'm still kind of in denial about it, I didn't sleep much. I want to think this is some incredibly cruel prank, Crystal just fucking with me. But this isn't something people lie about. He was there one minute, and gone the next. He's dead. I knew he hadn't been feeling well the past few days, but I didn't think anything was too horribly wrong. I think a little bit that there was something I could've done besides asking him if he was alright. But, he claimed it was just his arthritis acting up, so I left it at that. I've been crying since about 7 last night, and the little sleep I did get, was broken by these horrible dreams. I can't remember the last time I woke up in a cold sweat and shaking... I've got this awful images, probably from my dreams, of the things Crystal told me. How he died, just hit the floor, seized, turned purple, the ambulance sirens, the fire trucks, how they couldn't do anything for him. Just like that, gone. That's not how I want to remember him... After I got off the phone with Crystal, I had to bolt to the bathroom and throw up.
The last clear memory I have of him, we were in sports, I had to answer a phone call. He picks up this display telescope off an end cap and starts playing with it. I jokingly told him to put it down before he broke it, and he points the thing at me, and looks up at me with this grin, and this playful twinkle in his eyes. I couldn't help but crack up. That's how I want to remember him, that mischiveous little grin, this happy-go-lucky guy, someone truly genuine, didn't put up any fronts. He was going to buy that telescope for his son for Christmas.
Today is going to be one hell of a tough day. I can't think of another way to explain it... Our store, it's like a family. I know that's something most companies want... But we've got it, we stick together. Tony's death, it's like I've lost a member of that family. Maybe it hurts me a little more than most others at work, because this work family is all I have down here. And it just kills that all I want to do right now is run into my mom's or daddy's arms and cry, and I can't. I keep trying to tell myself I can do this, but the thought of going in today, and him not being there makes me want to cry all over again. I'm doing okay right now, it's almost as if I'm too exhausted, and I've run out of tears.
Anybody who reads this, please pray for Tony, his kids, and his girlfriend. I'm not by any means religious, don't know who or what I'm praying to, but maybe if our thoughts are with them, it'll make this holiday tragedy easier somehow.
First weekend I've spent alone in three weeks. Quite relaxing really, though I was quite restless. Spent most of Saturday cleaning just to keep myself occupied, managed to get my laundry done too. Woke up Sunday morning with the realization that I had absolutely nothing to do. On a whim, got in touch with a guy I'd met off Stalkerbook, their Human Pets app, to go out for coffee, which is something we'd been discussing doing for a while. Decided on dinner instead, and after checking out the ridiculously long line up at Boston Pizza, we ordered in. Reminder, this is the first time I'd met this guy in person. We hung out at my apartment for just over six hours, and didn't realize the time until 11. Which kind of sucked, because I managed to squeeze in about 5 hours sleep after he left, which brings us to now.
It's the first time in a while that I've met someone I actually clicked with. Not like a new crush, omg-he's-so-great kind of way. But I'm pretty sure I've found a genuinely good friend, who shares a lot of the same ideas I do, especially regarding health, which is a big issue for me right now. He's a self-proclaimed health nut, and knows a lot about nutrition and all that junk. A lot more than I know, after all, I'm still learning. He also claims to be a fantastic cook, and I'm sure I'll manage to rope him into teaching me a few things. I think it'd be nice having him around, not only because of his fantastic company, but that the majority of my friends are entirely unsupportive of a healthier lifestyle, and generally a bad influence. You know the type. "Well, one burger won't hurt" Doesn't exactly create the most supportive atmosphere. If I'm told one more time that I don't need to lose weight, I'll haul off and smack somebody. It's not just about weight loss, it's about being healthier, and taking care of myself. And eating out all the time, and drinking, just doesn't seem to mesh well. And considering that's what the majority of their outings consist of, I'm not spending as much time with them as I'd like to.
You could call a lot of this rambling of an overtired mind, but I think I'm making at least some level of sense.
On keeping up with my fast-changing life, I've decided to move again. It's only about forty minutes away from here, but it puts me that much closer to my family and friends. It also gets me away from the reprecussions that could come with seeing D outside of work. He seemed a little put off when I told him I was transferring, but I wasn't able to tell him one of the main reasons I was making the move, because I wanted to get to know him better outside of work, but didn't want to risk either of us being terminated because of it. I do intend to tell him, but it's incredibly hard to find the time to get him alone at work to tell him, there are always other people around.
On another note, I've already found a place to live there. Fully furnished, and am now working things out with my folks to have them store my stuff - whatever I'm not selling or giving away. I've already found a home for the kitchen chairs I was given. There's nothing wrong with them, they just need a good cleaning. And since I aquired them for free, I'm giving them to a lady I work with. Trashing the kitchen table and the computer desk, because although they serve their purpose, they're about ready for the landfill. Going to post down in the laundry room soon to sell my little loveseat. And if nobody wants to buy it, I'll post later to give it away.
Anywho, I ought to get ready for work, maybe a shower will wake me up.
