04/03/2007 18:02
A new angle
I NEVER count calories. Today I decided to give it a shot- calorie counting, I mean. Maybe the last ten pounds can be lost through diet and exercise instead of me just eating healthy and pounding out every pound on the treadmill? If I manage to get in 2.25-3 miles 5 days a week then I should be able to manage the last of the weight by that and counting calories a bit.
Today so far, breakfast, lunch and snacks have cost me 987 calories. I forgot myself and mistakenly drank 50 calories in gatorade *grrr* (I already added that into my 987 calorie total). If I can avoid that I think I will be fine. My 'goal' is to stay under 1750. I'm doing ok so far today even having had my gatorade.
I think I am going to go back to the track later today to top me off and get 3 miles travelled.
04/03/2007 15:16
and... on... the wagon :x
Ok, so being back home turned out to be a struggle and guess who decided to hibernate and hope it went away by itself rather than working for it?
*raises hand* Yo!
But it's work to get into a habit like this, so I'm working on it. If I struggle I struggle.
I have to remind myself that I'm doing JUST fine! The important thing to remember is that I AM healthy, and SO much healthier than when I started this! 150 is a healthy weight for me, I've been maintaining right around there and I've hit a bunch of stumbling blocks in the last month.
1.) I got hit with a smashing stomach virus, if you recall. That's nothing to sneeze at! I was out of it and weak for quite a while (about a week) and couldn't seem to get myself to the gym really.
2.) When I started getting myself back to the gym, I was so depressed about the things that were going on around me that my fabulous boyfriend saw fit to get me out of it for a while. He helped me with a lot of things inside of me and it all helped me open my eyes and look around to find how to fix the other things myself. On the down side, there was NO cooking for myself while there. Everything I ate was either meal-replacement stuffs or restaurant food (there's no kitchen where I was staying). I was 146 when I left, 150 when I got back.
3.) I came back sick. I am STILL sick, I have been sick for about 12 days. It is just coughing now, but since I came home to find someone had 'borrowed' and lost my key to the on-grounds gym, I have to find enough motivation to get back to the gym to justify spending the money on a new key ($20).
4.) I got my period. So, considering I have my period, this morning's post-breakfast weight of 149 might not be the end of the world.
I will work hard from this point on and see how I weigh in on friday, then monday may be a bit hard (lots of guests coming for the holiday weekend) but I am going to be using the hell out of this journal to help me get through it without turning into the former-me.
Today I walked & jogged a total of 2.25 miles. While that's much lower than the 4 miles a day I was doing a month ago I'm ok with it. I know I'll get back up to 4 miles, maybe even within the week. My goal this week is to make the 2.25 each day, though. I'm very lethargic lately and it's difficult to get me to do things when I just want to take naps (I'm on no caffeine *gulp!*).
Outside of that, I'm ok. I'm dealing with bouts of depression but I almost always have to deal with that. I am trying to fix a lot of things that are wrong in my life. It isn't easy but I have motivation and support and love and enough hot-pokers from evil people behind me to make it happen. Long term I don't know what I am going to do, but for now I am taking first steps to set me up for a normal life that can belong all to me. I know people around here don't know a lot about me, but that's ok : ) I have a weird life, but weird has become bad in my situation and I'm struggling to fix it.
03/24/2007 20:55
I'm home! And back on the wagon
I'm home! I came home yesterday, late in the evening. It was soooo wonderful! I stayed an extra day, spending a week with my gorgeous man.
On the health front- he was sick the day I got there with a cold. For a full day he refused to kiss me! Roar. I told him it didn't matter, in such tight quarters if he was sick I would be getting it as well. He caved and I am verrryyy sick, but it's totally worth it. I'm almost better, though. I've been ill for five days : P Heh.
Without getting too much into it, I couldn't cook a single meal while visiting. Eating out every meal except for lunches (which I either skipped or had Special K Meal Bars for) is hard to handle. Fortunately I generally have a quite small appetite, I rarely eat more than half of a restaurant meal. I do know, however, that my salt intake was high.
So, basically I'm up four pounds since leaving : P I figure a lot of it is water weight plus from being sick (in contrast to most people I seem to gain weight when ill). I'll be going back into my healthy-eating plan monday (I hate when people say that but after a week of splurge/having little choice in what I ate I need to ease back into it). I also had to take another round of prescription medicines *(GRRRR!)* which seem to cause water-retention.
I'm trying to catch up on internet stuff! Give me a little time. I own a website which needs some updates for e-mails I've received : P I need to get to that ASAP.
I hope everyone's doing good and sticking to whatever their plan is!
03/16/2007 02:09
Time, I need it
After several frantic e-mails to my boyfriend yesterday and my blog posts here (not that he could see them but you know I'm depressed) he calledand said,
'I have an idea. Are you willing to consider it?'
'Well, I'm willing to -listen- to it.' (I was very nervous about what he might have to suggest)
'No, see, you have to hear it because I know you, you have no choice because you wont hang up on me. Are you willing to think it over and not just answer in reaction? You dismiss things out of hand sometimes just because they're from me.'
*I hold my breath* Ok.
'Come see me.'
*I breathe in* *I don't breathe out* *I breathe in* *I breathe in.* *I breathe in* Ok.
I have my ticket. I'm going. See you all in about a week unless I manage to screw something else up (as I am prone to do).
03/15/2007 17:06
Thank you, Lord
I got on the scale today after working out- 146. I got off. I got back on. 147. I got off. I checked it wigh my weights. It weighed them correctly. I got on. 146. I got off. I got on. 147. I took a shower.
I got back out, wrapped my big pink towel around me with my wet hair (usually that is a 2 pound difference from before my bath) 148. I got off. I got on. 149.
So those after bath weights were still consistent with the pre-bath weights.
And... I'm petrified.
If I weigh 146(or 147) I've lost 25 pounds.
I still feel VERY fat. I look around at the EP blogs and I see girls 150ish and 5'7" (my height) and they look SOOO thin... and I am not just losing weight I am toning, I am -sooo- much fitter than I was 6 months ago.
I kNOW that I am FITTER.
But I STILL feel FAT.
This scares me. I'm afraid I am going to end up with another eating disorder. I will develop an eating disorder, get well (hopefully) and then gain weight again before realizing I need to kepe me in shape, lose weight, develop eating disorder... *sighs*.
/Edit/ I weighed myself again after posting this, sans towel, and it was 146.6... ! It should make me happy but it just makes me realize that weight doesn't make your life better.
Technically if I am reaching 147 I can open another box of my Christmas chocolates (posted about here). There are still 22 chocolates in the open box! I haven't eaten any of them in weeeekkssss *dies* *misses them*.
03/15/2007 16:03
I'm the excuse
My depression has seen fit to become more intense. I reached out to my mother but she does not give a damn, so I went to the only other person I have (my boyfriend). He can't really do anything to help from so far away.
I wish my big brother lived closer.
I didn't feel like it, I barely could get out of bed, but I got my ass to the gym for almost an hour. I did some weights very lazily (2 sets each of 3 different exercises) and got on the treadmill for 35 minutes (300 calories). I decided the depression is going to get better or it isn't but I have to get to the gym whenever I can make myself. I LIKE going. I LIKE sweating on the treadmill, I like stressing against the weights.
Well, I like being there. I don't like 'going' anywhere when I feel like this. I just wish the earth would swallow me up.
03/13/2007 20:57
nothing important to say
My weight's holding steady. 151 when I weighed earlier today. That's good! I'm really happy with just maintaining at this weight right now. I know I want to be thinner still but I'm healthy and I look halfway decent... .
I've fallen into a pretty intense depression the last week. I'm trying to make it through it without thinking too much about my weight. If I think about my weight my depression will tie that in and give me one more thing to be absolutely miserable about.
One positive note- I've found that I really like decaffeinated tea without any sweetener. A little lemon is nice, but if it's cold I don't even need that. This means I have a no-calorie drink to indulge in. Woo hoo! : P
03/09/2007 00:18
Cheer Up Chippy!
Well, I went to the weight room today for 35-40 minutes. I did a minimum of 35 minutes and sometime before 40 I decided I was done. I travelled 2.25 miles (yep) and 330 calories were put in their place (which is SO not inside my body!).
I also went out. I walked down the street, at the end of my block there are about four shopping centers and I went to a fabric store, gift shop and clothing store. I was out on foot for over an hour and a half. I spent too much money but it was on other people (I bought something for my mom and some things for my sister/me... I'm going to make her a skirt, I may end up using the material I got to make myself a skirt to make her one also. Either that or I'll make me curtains and a pillow case from it).
I don't think I've weighed myself today but yesterday my weight was at around 151/152. All I need is to keep it below 155. I'm a little sad about it but I won't be hitting my tracker goal. I've had a problem come up (as if I haven't had enough of them the last three weeks) and I won't be working out at my same pace for a little while.
This is possibly a good thing, possibly a bad thing. We'll see, I guess?
03/07/2007 16:27
Hungry still
I'm hungry but I still can't eat much. The last two nights in a row I've tried but failed to eat dinner.
I walked another 1.5 miles at the park. I was doing fine until I had exceeded a mile and then how hot I was hit me and I had to sit on a bench in the shade for a while. I've decided to take this week off from actively trying to lose weight and just worry about getting enough exercise to remain healthy and continue getting better, since I'm still not fully well (grr).
I'm also looking into memerships at some fitness facilities nearby. Unfortunately they cost an arm and a leg... . If I had a car it would be one thing, but the one I really want to join is so far away that the walk there and back is SOOOOO my workout for the day. I don't want to pay 200 down and 30-50 a month for somewhere that I don't even know if I'll reliably be making it to.
At least I can't eat, though. So while I'm not burning off enough calories I'm also not putting back as many as I would on days when I work out a lot.
Small miracle.
03/06/2007 16:13
Hungry! Gah
Today I went to the gym but boy did it stink in there. Considering I had a slight bout with recurring illness this morning I didn't want to subject myself to that, so I left after doing weights and went to the park to walk the track. I walked 1.5 miles there... bleh. On a positive note I increased one of my resistances! I'm happy with that.
I don't know how many calories I burn just walking a flat mile and a half. My boyfriend bought me some resistance tubing which arrived today.
I also managed to stomach almost a whole bottle of water. I haven't been able to drink water for more than two days (it makes me more sick when I get sick... sunday morning I poured myself a small cup of it and just sat and stared at it before finally pouring it out).
eh.
