I had a bit of a body-and-weight meltdown this morning.
I woke up at 7 am, not sure why. I am alone with a houseful of pets and a baby, and have been for days. I was exhausted. I knew something was wrong, though... I got up to get my glasses and they were gone. I put my contacts in after feeling around blindly for several minutes and turned the light on. My son, of course, woke up as soon as he heard my eyelids open (he's soooo clingy!) and didn't like it. I couldn't hold him while I was belly-down digging under the bed looking for my glasses.
But they are gone *SIGH* My left eye feels weird so I haven't wanted to put my contacts in. Hopefully whatever it is doesn't get worse for wearing them, but I can't just be blind.
So I went to the livingroom and found the animals had knocked food down and carried it around the house again I cleaned it up while I got screamed at from the next room, cleaned more, changed baby, snuggled him, fed him, played with him and then began berating myself.
Why can't you lose weight? Why are you so worthless? Look how swollen and bloated your face looks. Your belly is all puffy. You look like a slob. No wonder no one wants anything to do with you. No wonder your man doesn't spend any time with you. You're disgusting. Cry, cry you fat cry baby. Cry.
Seriously? I kicked the dogs out of the bedroom but didn't make the door catch. They came in about thirty seconds later (I thought maybe they'd give me a few minutes by myself with my son, but no).
I was very, very mean to me : (
I went back to sleep around 8:30, slept til 11 (I desperately needed that). My son slept until about 12:30, soundly in my arms until he woke himself up 'talking' in his sleep *laughing*. 'Uh woh woh woh woh... ouuu ouu wuh woh...' hehehe : ) I was trying so hard not to laugh, it was rather precious.
When I woke up I still felt fat and slobby but a little less hateful of myself.
I tried to remind myself that it's ok... if I don't lose weight right now IT IS OK. I am drinking so little soda, when I do I've been drinking less than ONE can of sprite Zero a week (I'll drink about half a can before I'm done with a meal (I have water alongside) and throw out the rest) and will treat myself this weekend to a soda probably. I eat for nutrition most of the time. I even am working on blending my own fruit-and-veggie juices to make those calories really pack a healthful punch (I do drink about 1 cup of juice a day).
I eat so much less junk, my dinner portions are small because I'm lesserly hungry at night, have less to do and am tired so I don't need as much fuel because, lets face it, I'm ready to veg : )
I drink 6-8 bottles of water a day, so if I'm bloated I'm bloated. I can't control everything.
And at the end of the day my scale said 175 this morning, which is 9 pounds less than I weighed December last year. Would I like to be 20 pounds less? Of course, but that's not reasonable for me right now. I don't have time to both prepare healthy meals AND go out for long walks. My body has suddenly allowed me a lot more freedom in movement which is exciting. I no longer feel like my stomach has been burned inside (only took 4.5 months for that to go away! huzzah! (eyeroll?)).
I don't want to abandon what I'm doing. I want to give it at least two weeks and see if my weight moves from 'Anywhere from 173-177' to 'anywhere from 171-175' or at least 172-176.
But it's hard sometimes.
I feel like I'm trapped. I want to go running! I AM SO READY TO GO RUNNING! But who watches my son while I do that? No one. Yes, I could spend $300 that I DONT HAVE on a running stroller or a treadmill, but... sigh.
We are still looking at treadmills, because I really need to feel good about myself and get healthy. If I do end up with one I am comitting to a very reasonable goal- 2 miles a day. 2 miles a day is 100% doable if I have the ability to just throw on my shoes and get to it. Not so much when I have to get my hair brushed, me dressed weather-appropriately, get the baby changed, dressed (make sure he's fed first!), strapped in, wrestle the dogs (who scratch and fight to get out the door- and they're not small) with the carrier in my hands, get out there and... sometimes before we get to the STREET my son flips out because he doesn't want to be in the stroller. So do I walk two miles with him screaming? Or do I go in, undress us and try again later?
If I can do it at home I can do 1/10 of a mile and stop if I have to. I can do 1/2 a mile while he showers with daddy. I believe I can fit in 2 miles a day if I don't have 15 minutes of prep time and then, 'Do I go or don't I?' It's very, very hard to watch your child scream. It's miserable, even if you know he is PERFECTLY FINE.
Right now he is sleeping on mom. Part of what has gotten me through this last month when my weight hasn't really gone down is realizing that he is growing. A lot. I have to tell him to eat because I can feel the swelling. I see my legs slimmer than they have been in a while, my stomach looks alright and then there's my arms and breasts, fatness. Don't know exactly why it's storing in my arms, but it is.
But he's growing. So I keep hoping that his cues to my body are telling it to store a bit for him so he can continue to gorge himself.
Sometimes I feel horrible and selfish and I want to stop breastfeeding so I can eat only for me. Despite what many many women tell you and believe, that breastfeeding causes weight loss, research actually contradicts that. After so many months out women who have stopped breastfeeding actually weigh less than women who are breastfeeding- however, many women I know have told me not to worry... that they lost 10 pounds when they STOPPED breastfeedng (some of them didn't stop for 2.5 years... I don't really want to weight 2 more years to meet my goal : ( *sigh*) Breastfeeding does help your uterus shrink up more quickly, I believe. So the appearance of weight loss happens more quickly, I would assume.
And if stress causes weight retention? Well hello belly fat. I guess even I can't expect me to be strong all of the time. I can't expect to always be positive, even if my blood is. I have to try to set myself up to be strong even on the days I wake up at 7 in the morning and think, 'I'll just make a tray of cookies and get a giant pepsi. I'm not losing anything, so who friggin cares what I eat.' Because, my friends, that is what I thought to myself this morning. But I didn't do it, because I have a plan.
I ate one cookie and put the rest away. I went back to sleep, got up, weighed myself and found I hadn't gained 20 pounds since yesterday, had my cream of wheat, banana and coffee and told myself to CTFO.
I had a 'snack' of 1 cup grape juice vitamixed with 4 medium pieces of broccoli, and two handfuls of spinach (yeah, it tastes a little weird, but it's part of my plan).
Lunch is boneless/skinless chicken breast pieces cooked with squash, broccoli, pepperoni (yes, fatty fat fatso over here) and fire-roasted tomatoes.
I don't eat rice or pasta almost ever. Bread is reserved for toast with peanut butter or for sandwiches with veggies and lean meat or bean patties (I need to get m ore of those, they were really good!).
I'm trying to treat my body well and feed my hunger. I have to make sure i dont put myself down for eating food WHEN I'M HUNGRY.
But it's hard.
But I'm trying.
And I don't want to stop.
