why hello there! come here often? obviously not since my last desperate plea for virtual encouragment went unanswered. still, i don't blame you. i know you are fighting your own battle and can hardly stand watching me founder.
so i got help.
no, really. for real this time.
i finally got off my ever-expanding ass and got to the doctor. i said (literally):
"i want fat pills"
and the man had that prescription written, printed and signed before i could even ask "are there side effects?"
there are, i love them.
i am on Phentermine (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Phentermine) and its like, oh, a gift from GOD! remember that "other undereducated voice" from my last post? gone. well, mostly gone. certainly very quiet. the hungry tummy? hmm, feels full to me. the depression? thats gone too. and my husband says i'm "nicer". heh.
i know i cannot take this drug forever, and frankly, i wouldn't want to (i am SO not a "take a pill" kind of person) but...
i have been fighting so hard for so many years to overcome this addiction. now i finally feel like i have the help i have needed so badly for so long. what i am hoping is that, by taking this pill, i will create new habits that will eventually allow me to get rid of all the pills i take. i hate pills. i really hate them.
except this one. i love this one. they say one of the "side effects" is a "sense of well-being". i certainly have that side effect. and i don't care. its working. its happy. its brilliant. yay!
my mother has been trying to sell me on getting a LAP band installed instead of dieting anymore. i mean, she doesn't see it this way and would probably be horrified if she saw that i thought she was making it sound this way, but it does. She just wants me to be happy and healthy. so i looked into the LAP band and... well i got about one paragraph into the FAQ page and got sick and had to run to the bathroom for fear of losing it on the keys here. i'm not trying to knock anyone who has had weight loss surgery, i just personally can't stomach the thought (ha ha bad pun i know). but seriously, if i had such a viseral reaction just finding out about it i can't see how i would be able to actually have it done. so that means i have to stop dicking around and actually do this thing. ugh. i was doing really well right up until i went and visited my family last may. i don't know what happened but i know that after that was the wedding and then we came home and all i did was go into a depression and stress out. i even had a relapse of insomnia, something i haven't had issues with since high school! i don't know what i'm doing. i can literally see what i am doing as i do it to myself. i tell myself i need to put the food away. that i'm full or that its not what i'm looking for. and then the other voice says "heh, yep, yer right. gonna eat anyway tho." (my other voice is undereducated). how do i stop this other voice? another thing my mother has been lightly suggesting is Food Addicts Anon which she goes to but man its like a religion and i just can't take it. so thats whats up with me. honestly. i decided to post this because i figure at worst i will be screaming into the void and at best i may get some encouragement. but swallow the advice ok? you know how i feel about being told what to do. hee hee
in other news, i'm freaking gaining weight!!! grrr. i was at a 47 pound loss and now i'm back to 45. grrrrr.
i think its because i'm not being careful enough with potion control and writing what i eat so i am forgetting i ate this one small thing or other. its so frustrating losing weight but even more frustrating when you are GAINING weight while still being careful and more frustrating still when you are losing the same pounds twice.
So while in the process of trying to lose weight i have also been planing my wedding (for this july) and looking to move across the country. This means shopping for real estate mostly online. There are many websites from which to do this but my favorite was one site which calculated your likely monthly mortgage taking into consideration your down payment size etc. Like all bots of this nature it was programmed to default to certain numbers that you could alter depending on your situation. This is all well and good but what i loved about it was the button you had to push in order to alter the default setting. it was labeled simply:
Change Assumptions
oh how i wish was all i could think. To change everyone's assumptions with just a mouse click. To change people's assumptions about the world, politics, children, the ecosystem but, for the sake of applicability here lets say to change assumptions about
Fat People
lets say by pushing that button people would stop assuming that i don't care how i look. Or that i am in fact 35 and not 27. that i have children (none) or that i am single, lonely and depressed. Or baring that, that i must be in my first relationship because, after all, who would want someone who looked like me?
I read a story blip at one point when some reality show dressed up its leading lady in a 300 pound-style fat suit to see if the men would still be interested and one person's reaction was “I don't care how great your personality is, if you are 300 pounds no normal person is going to be interested in you.”
um. i beg to differ. Let's just hit that button shall we?
I have recently been having to hit that button a lot within myself. I have been morbidly obese for so long that now, as i am nearing the 50 pound loss mark certain things are changing that i don't even remember from before. Like i have had to move my car seat forward and no longer drive with just my toes on the petals but with my whole foot. Like my pants are baggy in the crotch and i thought something was wrong with the pants until i figured out that its just my gut is taking up less space so they are falling down. Like when my future-father-in-law (who does not like me) comments that i looked like i had lost weight (even though he continues to jab at me about my weight). Like i am getting hit on again. A lot actually. And its odd after so many years of being invisible, or at least acting that way. My assumptions about myself are having to change.
Its not like its easy going. But i have managed to figure out a way to push the Change Assumptions button so to speak in my own life, at least for now.
i havent had insurance for nearly ten years. which means i havent seen a doctor regularly in that long either.
i have PCOS which now is very common (sadly) but then, ten years ago, no one knew anything about it. they just put you on birth control and sent you away. so for ten years i have been taking birth control and not taking care of the problem.
well last month i finally was able to get insurance. and two days ago i was able to get prescriptions that should actually help me get my hormones under control and thereby my weight under control so yay me.
its a very very scary thing to go back into a medical place after all these years. i dont like doctors. i dont trust western medicine. for that matter, there is just the normal fear of what will happen. but i'm doing it. i'm taking them. wish me luck. i'm scared.
however i did lose two more pounds this week so i am excited too! yays.
so how many people, "normal" people i mean (ie ones without eating disorders) think when they see someone of my size waddling down the street "wow, what a buffalo". i mean honestly? is it all in my head or do people really think these things? i know i do. at least about me.
but tonight i went on a walk, a fast walk, not a meandering walk, outside, in public, on a very busy street. with pink hair too but that is another story. this is something i havent done since college really. tonight though, i wasnt just another heifer trying to win a losing battle, tonight i was just a fat lady walking her dog.
my dog has saved me in countless ways. first she saved me because i so desperatly want a child and cant have one (yet!) so i spoil her instead. secondly she has saved me because since i moved to virginia from california last year i have been in horrible culture shock and terribly lonely and sad. she has been there to snuggle and keep me sane.
lastly though, what i found out tonight, was that when i take a walk with her instead of alone, its almost like having an excuse. "well i have to walk the dog" not "i have to exercise". it was a totally new dynamic tonight. i decided (true or not) that people who stared were looking at my adorable tiny little dog, not my big fat gut. i felt like i had no questions to answer prying eyes; what? i was just walking my dog.
it was a nice feeling. blessings on her furry little head.
i am finally really back on program. only lost one pound this week but the point is I LOST A POUND THIS WEEK. which means a total of 32 pounds. which is like three gallons of milk plus a bag of potatoes and two packs of butter. yeah. still food on the brain i guess. but yay me.
its funny how when my brain isnt all messed up and in a bad place its not even hard. staying OP is only hell when im not staying OP if that makes any sense. What happens to me is, when i eat badly, i get depressed. once i get depressed its hard for me to do ANYTHING, especially make wise food choices. so i think part of the key for me is to keep at it and be careful.
on another note, i indulged myself in a non food way for once and bought Poe's Hello on iTunes which i have wanted since 1995 when she released the album. yay. i'm groovin.
before i share this poem, let me just say that it was written last month and does not reflect my current (AWESOME) state of mind. however, its still true about me and will always be. no matter what i do or where i go or what size pants i wear i will always be fat inside. fat "between the ears" as Bubble Butt's blog and my mother like to say...
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fear stress and fright all day wondering when and if i will get more worrying in the back of my head while i go through my day the always present niggling the thumping of my heart pounds out the rhythm my body knows i don't really need it my brain addled from years of abuse and addiction says i do i need it i need it now i wont rest until i have more i cant stop the panic i cant rest
i don't even need to actually take it in to my body i don't even have to have it inside me yet just to have it nearby is enough to know i have some just in case to know i could have it any time i wanted (thats the other thing i have to know i could have it anytime and as much as i want or i want it all the time and i just wont stop)
no one ever thought food could be like this no one ever thought food could be addictive like this that anyones brain could be fucked up enough to treat eating like needles to treat food like heroin but i can and i do
something as innocent and necessary as a grocery is my dealer and my porn shop i spend my time dreaming about my next fix i get shaky, bitchy and hard to deal with when i'm even a little hungry or if i just think i should be and i wonder how i got here like the junkie i am i see it all very clearly even as i take my next dose i know what i'm doing to myself but cant stop even as i put it to my mouth i can count the years i'm sacrificing i know very well what i'm giving away but i am an addict after all and this is what addiction is all about.
so, i've decided to lose ten pounds. 22 times. yep.
i have been spinning my wheels since september and not been able to really get back in to this whole "getting healthy" thing. so i have decided i'm going to lose ten pounds. thats all, just ten. thats my goal. just ten. not 223. ten. and when i get that ten gone, i have promised to reward myself.
they say you should not reward yourself with food and so for a long time i have been trying to decide how to reward myself that is better than food. except to me, nothing is. so here is my deal with me: i lose ten pounds, then i get to take a day, one whole day, to binge all the food i want. to stuff my face in truly grotesque fashion. one day only, then i have to lose another ten pounds. i figure, it may not be psycologically healthy but it just might work. hopefully by limiting this elephant it won't be so hard to eat.
