and let me tell you why. In light of my first successful weight loss week - the first week of attempt number 100 or maybe 101, with the sensation that my tummy is indeed a bit flatter (oh how good it is to illude oneself), I set off shopping today for a trouser suit for my interview on Thursday thinking everything is going to fit magically. Of course it didn't and I discovered I'm still the fattest kid on the block - in my defense I did not expect everything to fit - but Ithought maybe I can do size 14 bottoms now but no, it seems apart from my own size 14 which probably fit because I have bullied my body into them far too many times, it's still size 16 - I also did not find a suit I liked and shops here do not stock them much if at all.  So I came here feeling a bit down to be honest, largely tempted to eat as much as  I could because after all I was holding up these clothes adn thinking - I'm never fitting into these, nothwithstanding what I do. And I did eat here although I  console myself that I kept to safe stuff - no biscuits, chocolates or buttered anything.  Might not be a thin day but this at least is not a fat day.  As it is, I was so getting to be so down I was thinking about skipping going out and be faced with these gorgeous thin confident 20 somethings around me while I sip my wine - but now I'm thinking, what the heck - of course I'll go out and allow myself my two glasses of wine and yes there will be these thin gorgeous self-confident 20 something but I'll be there with them with my 76.5kg and I will join my friends and have a laugh and toast to a better world.  We'll probably all die of swine flu anyway and then it won't matter whether one is fat or thin.

Studied a fair bit although I did abondon my one hour of EU/French/Diploma stuff rota and today just concentrated on Eu. But tomorrow I will have to do soem French and Diploma and do EU in the evening. I suddenly decided I have to nail this interview and once the decision was made, I got really scared I might not be able to do so.Even though I know that I wil be fine in terms of a job and being employed if I don't pass this concours interview, it has become imperative for me to pass - don't ask me why - I just feel it - pride maybe, I don't know. It's true it would open doors and give me more choice in where I can be and how I can work and with whom I can work - but it does not justify the way I feel that I just have to pass this last stage. We'll see. Have a good Saturday whoever takes the time to read my insanity.

today, you know what I mean, you feel thin(ner) and the scales somehow concur.  So I weighed in 1.2kg less - must say I have been very good and walked to work 3 times, did salads and sandwiches and took them to work - worked out pretty well financially too - upped my vegetable and water intake and even took some alcohol in the process - all in all not a bad week.

The most important thing is keeping the momentum for next week - I'll be happy if I just loose even .1kg next week as the initial boost is always the easiest. This morning I walked to work (hence the 3rd time), feeling good about myself and in my new H&M jacket which I bought at 50% discount yesterday.  Today I brought 2 nice salmon sandwiches and salad to work and might take fruit salad from the canteen - after work we are going to the Villeroy and Boch company - I love their stuff  - and bought some really nice stylish mugs for my brothers - am thinking about buying something similar for my friend's wedding to which I'm going in Malta next month.  Usually in Malta, money is preferred as wedding gift but I really want to give my friend something tangible so that she can say - my friend gave me this - so I'll give her money but I will also give her something tangible. 

 

Have to mend a rift with a person I met here who had become my friend  but he said things I considered hurtful and I just walked away from the table as we were having tea.  We were talking about the concours and I told him how I really do want to pass at this stage, not because I want to stay here for ever because I'm not sure about that but because it is an exam after all and it would be unnatural not to want to pass and because it's been such a long process.   Also  it would allow me to explore going to Brussels. So he told me - of course you want to stay here forever - and I said, no I'm not sure I want that, I feel the absence of my family too much and I really miss them. And then he said, but it is obvious you have chosen your 6,000 Euro a month (this is an exaggeration, I make nowhere near that) over your family otherwise you wouldn't be here and you wouldn't be doing the concours. And I was so shocked by that, I just left!!! Things are never black and white. Of course, one can say that as much as I miss my family I have chosen to come here and be here but I feel the guilt of abondoning my parents every day I'm here even though I talk to them on MSN each day.  Once I knew my father had a terrible cough and during the night I woke up and I sat up listening whether he was coughing as I usually do when I'm at home and I said to myself - oh  he isn't coughing - and then I realised I was in Luxembourg and I just cried so much. All my friends here plan travelling here and there and my annual calendar is filled up with attempts to find ways to maximize my annual leave and fit in as much travelling home as possible.  I want the concours, yes to be permanent but that would also open doors for me such as being able to work in Brussels where Malta is not 2 coaches/2 trains and a plan away but just a 2.5 hour plane away.  And for him to just tell me I have chosen money over my family, I was just so shocked and hurt.  I was so shocked I didn't even go to the shop which is on my way to the office from the cafeteria to get the necessary chocolate to help numb the pain -  I think what hurt me most was that these words were coming from a person who I thought gets me. Maybe , you, the one reading this post, also thinks that I have essentially chosen money over being with my family but things are never black and white and to have someone pushing the button on the major guilt that I feel, and a person I consider my friend, was too much for me to handle.

Happy weekend, still sunny here but weather getting colder and rain and thunder is forecast for tomorrow. I'm using the weekend to study. Good Day everyone.

lovely day in Luxembourg - beautiful weather and once again I walked it to work.  I am still feeling determined about my weight loss effort and quite happy with how I managed yesterday food wise. Today I did 2 salmon sandwiches with tomatoes and cucumber again  - it may be repetitive but I love the salmon.  I don't put much salmon because it is very expensive here to buy, like everything else.  But I love it and I do without butter or any other spread - the bread is brown as well - so I'm figuring it is pretty healthy. Today I forgot my work badge so I have a temporary day badge which means that I can't go to any other institution's canteen. One has to specify that in terms of food we have  a choice of 4 canteens. Ours is the Commission's canteen which is in everyone's opinion is the worse in choice and quality. Then there is the Court of Auditor's canteen which I like - very reasonable, good quality food, nothing wow but good and dependable. Then there is the European Parliament's canteen which is of a higher quality and finally there is the Court of Justice which in my opinion is the best.  One can have salads but as usual, the healthiest choice is the most expensive by quite a bit!!! 

I have an IT course this morning and some work to cover.  I'm not stressed with any deadlines and I'm expecting more translation work to come in today. I'm trying to study because I have my half-way through the course French test next week on Tuesday and the concours interview on Thursday. I should say something about the concours - I am here on a temporary 18 month contract which can be renewed once - so right now I'm here to a maximum of 3 years.  However, I'm also going through the competition (that's how it's called - concours in French) for a permanent job.  Not that I see myself staying here for ever but doing it for a few years would help me pay off the flat in Malta and give me some financial security - also it would give me other advantages amongst which might be a transfer to Brussels from where I need only one flight to get to Malta (over here it's either 2  expensive flights or coaches/trains and then a flight).  This competition process is very very long and has 4 stages.  Each stage means a shortlisting of candidates for the coveted places.  We started this competition in March 08 and now, April/May 09 we are at the 4th stage, so far I have made it through the first 3 stages and I'm in the final 4th oral interview stage.  Stumbling at this stage would be devestating cause once someone is at this stage it's as if there is a foot inside a permanent office already but we'll see. If I fail I know there are other things waiting for me. But obviously I do not want to fail. A week later I leave to go to Malta to do my diploma in computing final exams. Maybe some more info about that in another post. In the meantime I'm just going to try and do some work before my IT half-day starts in an hour - at least the lab is right in front of my office. Good day everyone and stay strong.

It is Sunday, and it's 6:23 am - what am I doing blogging? I woke up and first I thought  I would revise a bit and then I thought I would blog now as I have a very busy day in front of me.  Stil in bed and will probably switch off and go to sleep another bit again. 

Yesterday we went to Metz in France- it was horribel weather and by the look of it still is- yesterday it rained non stop and got really very cold but we still enjoyed it - bought a nice big handbag which I needed. Metz is a nice city and I'm glad that in the midst of the rain I suggested to my friends to take one of these cute tourist train rides with commentary.  I have been to Metz once before but we always go to the centre where the shops are and get to the cathedral - and that's it. This 45 mins tourist train thing really took us around and I was so surprised at the beautiful squares this city has with such lovely parks! No photos cause no camera plus bad weather although I should have some from my previous visit.  We had gone 2 months ago but the beautiful thing now is that tulips are everywhere especially in roundabouts and around one of the roundabouts all tulips where on the pinkish/purple scale so it sent from white with a hint of pink or purple to bright pink and purple so dark it looked like black - so so beautiful.  I can see this change even in luxembourg as I see beautiful tulips and daffodils where 2 months ago there was snow! Also got my eurodisney tickets and managed to study a biti in the morning as a I have important exams in less than  a month but I'll talk about those another time. Food wise I had cereal for breakfast, 2 salmon and salad sandwiches for lunch and a plate of penne with veal for dinner from metz.  The penne portion was a bit big but I took it with tomato sauce and stayed away from the cream. Actually took them case they were with poivrons and I did not know what they were in English - the waitress could not explain it - and eventually they turned out to be greenpeppers.  I am pretty good in French, nowhere near great, but it has really improved since I'm here.  I did 50 situps in the morning and walked a great deal in Metz. All in all a great diet day.  Am not seeing any results in that I'm not feeling better physically but I think my body is still processing the amount of food I ate in Malta during Easter break as I ate a lot.

Today i have to meet a friend and go to mass in Italian, then she comes here for lunch - probably pasta again - but a carefully weighted portion and then I go with her to bake a cake in the afternoon. Will take a small piece, obviously I need to test my work!!! Will do 100 sit ups - ain't I the fitness hero? :) Have a great sunday everyone.