Here to win

weekend trip

Wednesday, October 31, 2007 22:08:04

so i should be going to holland this evening. no-one will pick me up at teh airport and there won't even be anyone at the hotel since they have an outing - a bit miffed at this since I'm going today and not yesterday because of someone else's mistake and stupidity but anyway, so it is. Headache still on, hoping freezing cold dutch air clears the air in my head and that sore throat behaves. not much i can do about it - fully intendto make the best of my 48 hours abroad. bought some nice clothes yesterday and i'm really happy with them. not much to report - food disaster situation - i think i have gained back the little i had lost. have a good weekend everyone

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Back

Wednesday, October 31, 2007 22:06:01

to work. I'm not feeling great but I still came. Yesterday I spent a whole day playing games on the computer. In the evening I had the worst headache ever. I've been to hospital in the past with such headaches - and I know the drill - get a CT Scan, see that everything is ok, kept for observation overnight, given painkillers that really have no effect, sent home in the morning. So I stayed home. This morning the headache is still there in the form of pressure in my head but it seems a bit better and I decided to come to work also because it's not windy like yesterday. I'm hoping the pressure in my head will ease off even if by a little bit everyday and I'm hoping Friday I'n ok to fly. As you can see, I live on hope.

No effort on controlling my eating until yesterday. And I think I gained but the thing is while I'm eating the pressure in my head feels likes it eases up a bit - does it make sense? -Probably not but since my head feels better I eat. Wish me luck.

Joke I just got by email:

Walking through the jungle an Elephant meets a naked man. The elephant slowly looks the Man up and down and says,

'How the hell do ya Feed yourself with that?'

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I can

Wednesday, October 31, 2007 22:04:13

finally breathe!!! Ah the luxury - my cold is still here but receding and tomorrow I will stay in on sick leave just so that I get rid of it given that in 4 days' time I will go abroad and I don't want to risk it.

Food wise - let's not go there - I have eaten without control - the cold did effect my eating but not in the way I would have liked - I just want to eat and since I'm feeling so miserable, I find comfort in the food. Not going on scales neither.

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I'm

Wednesday, October 31, 2007 22:01:04

too tired to even type and rant. I'm down and sick. So I'm going to paste the email I sent to my friend abroad about why I'm down. I know why I 'm sick - I have a bad body who is sick on a good day. So here it is:

Yesterday's spa went badly. I go there to relax not to feel worse. I do the massage to have fun not to have a stick thin blonde beauty tell me that back is wrong and bad in all the places she can touch. I already wake up every morning in pain and the question is not whether I will be painless or not but the grade of pain I will be feeling throughout the day as I try to go through it. Everyone looks at me and sees me as a normal human being but that does'nt mean I am not in pain with the f******* fibromyalgia. And when I go to the spa I want to forget my situation not someone telling me how much problems I have and how they are going to get worse as time goes by. I know my situation is a downhill process and next year will be worse than this one. The only way I can cope with this is by not thinking about the future pain and increasing problems while facing the day's pain and laughing as much as I can. . It's not as if I'm not doing what I can - there isn't one doctor or consultant I have not been to and it gets to me that someone messes up an occasion that should help me forget and not remember even more about what is in store for me. After the massage I just waiting for my mother, did not even swim, put on a good face for my mother's sake and we left. And I've been wanted to cry and hide somewhere since then - probably my mood is augmented by my sore throat and heavy head and general fatigue I'm feeling. Thank God it's Friday and I don't have anything planned other than attending my maths lecture tomorrow. So I can crash in bed, sleep and try to recover.

Needless to say I went on a binge and snapped my mother's head off when she commented on how many trips I was doing to the kitchen to get food.

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Dinner

Wednesday, October 31, 2007 22:00:03

was really nice but so late!!!!! At 11pm we were eating our main course and thank God I went for a nice small delicious fish cause themeat portion and the duck portion was huge and so heave for anytime of the day let alone at 11pm.

It was a nice evening although it got really cold at the end - was home at 1am and I have a sore throat- hope I don't get a cold since I have 2 weekends abroad coming up. Today it's another cloudless wonderful day and I have spa treatments lined up - mostly my mother for her birthday but I also have 1 back massage for me out of a package I had bought a year ago. So that's great - I also have a meat cooking session lined up. I missed the fish one but well, I'll just have to burn a few before I get it right. That's all for now. Have a good day.

Added later - turns out cooking lesson was not about meat but sponges and sweet pies.He got confused - did some nice things and will try them out. I think I will try the BakeWell Tart - not very diet friendly but sounds delicious and I do enjoy people complimenting me. Everyone does even though it sounds desperate and needing.

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Better

Wednesday, October 31, 2007 23:09:02

behaviour yesterday as I had dinner, though generous, but then I did not snack and munch and so felt better about it. I have a dinner this evening so will go light on lunch. I am invited to dinner by the institute where I'm doing my diploma since I came first in one of the units at the University of London exams so, along with other award winners, we are invited to dinner with the University of London people that are here. I thought this was very nice of them. I was also informed that University of London has agreed that lessons are filmed for me and sent to Luxembourg during those three months I can't come here during the week. So that will be super great.

Beautiful day today - very busy - I have work of course and I have a hair appointment I've been waiting for a long time. I'm dying it reddish and cutting it a bit short - really looking forward to it. And then I have a lecture and then I have the dinner. Will try to do good choices for food this evening as I don't have time to go swimming.

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Still

Wednesday, October 31, 2007 23:08:09

did not reign in my eating yesterday as I finished at my other brother and ate wine and garlic bread. Today things are going better. Only registered a 76kg this morning - I was aiming at 75.5kg but given how I ate Sunday and Monday, I should be happy I had a .3kg at least. This morning I went swimming for 1km. Was already tired by the 200m mark but anyway, I kept on and I swam the 1km. Went before work. Food so far ok. I hope this evening I can be a good girl and just have dinner and that's it. It is too early in the weight loss program to be slacking like this!!!! I usually start doing that at 72kg but then I usually start at 74kg so in terms of that it makes sense as I start slacking after the initial 2kg loss. We'll see.

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New Week

Wednesday, October 31, 2007 23:07:02

Yesterday I still continued to eat after posting. I went to my brother's and he had wine out and we drank and nibbled on fattening things. I know I ate out of being upset for something.

This morning I should have weighed myself but I didn't - not because of yesterday's disaster - but because I slept at my flat where I do not have any scales. I will weigh tomorrow morning. Today I will be very good in preparation and this week I will up my swimming input. At least during the weekend I did swim a bit so that must have made up for it.

Also saw the brightest most wonderful rainbow - it went from end to end and I could see it all the way home. I wished I could just pull over and take a picture which I couldn't cause there were cars and I didn't have the camera with me. Also I would probably not have been able to fit it all on my camera. But I will carry it in my head and heart through the week. It was a beautiful thing to see on a Monday morning.

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Mini-Binge

Wednesday, October 31, 2007 23:06:10

That is my Sunday. So I had my Overnight stay. Even though I had no spa treatments, it was still very relaxing with just reading by the pool and having this great hot bath in the really nice room I was given. The room was really nice and the bed was heavenly. As soon as I saw it I couldn't help imagining sharing it with my last (and present) love who lives abroad and is to all intents unavailable. But i had to be content with my friend. I love her of course but even she would understand my yearning and thoughts at seeing that bed. Then we went out, caught a late Quantum of Solace movie. Not very impressed - I guess I watch the Bond movies because well, it's Bond. Had breakfast - I always do the english thing with bacon and baked beans and mushrooms - strangely enough I did not find it that satisfying - also had dried fruit and nuts - you're probably gagging at the combination but there was some 15 mins between the widely diverse plates. Then went to the pool again and checked out. Came home. I skipped lunch because of the english breakfast but around two I had thickly buttered bread (which I haven't had since 2 weeks) with thick mortadella and thelast bar of Belgian chocolate. At least I took the Belgian chocolate before and could savour it - the bread I didn't even taste properly - just ate it. And after the bread I had walnuts and dried tomatoes. Are you disgusted enough yet?

And why? Cause I'm pissed off about a committee I sit on and on which I probably will not be sitting for much longer. I was upset after a meeting we had on Friday - not the crying upset - but a couple of things I found upsetting. So I sent an email saying that if something specific mentioned happened at the international meeting we are having in Holland, I would (and I will) stand up and leave. Basically another country is subtly accusing us of overcharging on a bill and the international committee is considering forgiving a small amount even though they have paid us. I'm not too bothered about the money but if they do forgive some of the money, that would be equal to telling us we have overcharged them and that is not true. I will not be branded a thief, both on a personal and on a committee basis. Anyway, it was that thing and another one. It actually troubled my sleep and on Saturday I penned an email which I sent to all the local committee telling them what I thought and that I would not stand for being accused of overcharging. If I'm in Holland and the implication is that, I will just up and leave, and I still mean that. Anyway, today I find no feedback from anyone which I expected cause everyone is super afraid they will lose their seat (I don't care, I'll probably resign as I don't need this) and the only person I thought would back me up told me that at her age she is willing to give in on some of her principles because she needs to feel she belongs and she needs to belong. And I was shocked cause she is an over 60 person with a comment I would expect from a teenager who has just been caught smoking and blaming peer pressure. It is hard when you lose respect for people. I understand their positions but I still find myself losing some of the respect I have for them. So I binge - on a day where I feel fat and I am fat apparently as I sneaked in a weight on my scales. I will not weigh officially tomorrow since I'm sleeping at my flat this evenig and I don't have the scales so it's on Tuesday. But I'm not confident of the 75.5kg I was hoping for. And my mini-binge did not help. At least I stopped myself before it became a full-blown binge.

Sorry for the long post. And if you read it all (probably TatumsMon and GCQMom - thank you for your loyalty) thank you for making teh time and the effort.

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The weekend

Wednesday, October 31, 2007 23:05:08

It's the weekend!!! Hip Hip Hurray. It is such a beautiful day here in Malta - I bet some of you do not get such a day in Summer!!!! I just came back from my computer lesson and just wrote a passionate email getting a few things off my chest and sent it to whoever I had to send it to and I feel better though I have to see what kind of reactions I get to it. But I'm glad with what I wrote and I think I managed to convey my passion for the issues outlined without being dramatic or over-emotional.

Food - I feel I'm being good with my diet - not too happy with what the scales are saying. I am far from my monday target and although there are two days left, Iam going on this overnight stay which will see me enjoying a large breakfast tomorrow. If I don't, the whole point of the overnight stay will be lost as the lavish breakfast is one of the highlights of the stay along with staying by the indoor pool reading a nice novel and spa treatments which I'm not getting cause I'm broke and I need the money for a couple of travelling weekend I have in 2 weeks' time. One of these, in Holland, I guess is in the balance after my email but if I don't go the organization will lose the flights money and I don't think they 'll go for that.

So, back to diet and food - worried I will not get my 75.5kg on Monday. The weight loss is happening so so slowly!!!! Yes, I'm surprised - usually at teh beginning I get a far better start off of encouraging weight loss. As it is I might not be the 74. something I was counting on being by the time I go to Holland in two weeks' time. Maybe I'll hit a dramatic loss until then. Have a nice weekend everybody - I hope we see Angela soon in here. XXX

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