Not Great
not great at all - today I weighed in at 79.4kg which is horrendous for me - very close to my record of 84kg when I came back from Australia and everyone went - OH MY GOD , WHAT HAVE YOU DONE!!!!
Most people take stock of the year that haspassed and whether they set out to reach their 12-month goals. I started the year weighing 76kg wanting to be 69kg and I'm finishing it at nearly 80kg. Throughout the year I have gone down and up but it has been a year characterised by bouts of ill-health which have let me very wary of exercise as I seem to get something when I start moving a bit. My physical condition is much worse than when I started and whereas I started the year with one knee hurting now both hurt and my back is lousy. My health has really taken a big permanent hit this year. That saddens me most of all as I feel I am unable to exercise cause even stretching was being followed by bad health and I'm so tight. I wanted to have long nails and I had them until a month ago but now I have bitten them again. I have fallen in love with the wrong man but I'm not depressed about that - at least I fell in love which at one point I thought would never happen again - seems the heart is not ice cold and there's hope. Professionally I've done well though I did not dig in as much as I wanted in my mortgage. It does feel I have lost some control over my life as if it has really slipped away from me and I cannot get it back although I cannot say I'm trying very hard - even the will power and the trying hard is elusive.
I will start my new job in Luxembourg in 2.5 weeks. It's a new beginning and I want it to work for me on a professional and personal basis. I want to get my life control back. I want to be 70kg and have long nails and I want to fall in love with the right man. I want my health to at least not get worse and start exercising again. I want to run a marathon but that is something I will never do. Most of the time I do not thing about my health in that I know I cannot run but I'm not in a wheelchair or limping, right? The fact that it could be worse does make me thankful that I wake up in the morning, put my feet on teh ground an dmake my way in the world one step after another. But I so wish I could run and run and run and at times it gets to me and I guess I'm going through that right now. The wish to go and play a game of tennis, volleyball or squash and then to just run and run and jog until you feel you cannot possibly run anymore but you still push on. I want to feel the elation of the achievement of having run an incredible hour and feeling like dying out of the effort. I want to go on the treadmill and push myself to the limit and sweat like a pig. I want to swim 2.5km which was my record. And feel fit and feel I'm athlete again.
This is a selfish post. I don't regret 2008. A lot of good things happened to me as well. I got this job, the man I fell in love with is the wrong man but nevertheless, he is a wonderful man who made me feel loved and appreciated and never lied to me. I have been abroad for 4 times and while financially I'm worse than broke, 2008 has set me for what should be a much better 2009. At a time when ppl are facing financial gloom, my situation will actually improve bar great mishaps.
I just wish I could grab my life back from wherever it has slipped off to.