I have gained so much weight - I think I'm at my heaviest in years. An approximate number? I think around 78 or 79kg. I say this cause I had invested in a digital weighing thing and my mother with my nephew and niece broke it for me. Mum offered to replace but even though I cannot afford to buy another one myself, I do not want her to fork out the money. We have one of the cheap traditional ones now but the accuracy is 0 and mum just got it to feel better about the whole thing herself I guess.
Why have I gained weight? I cannot exercise - I cannot walk - I'm not swimming mostly because driving is painful and I try to limit that. A couple of people also told me that in swimming I would be reinforcing the wrong muscles. Also, all I do is eat. One day a week ago I ate 3 packets of snacks, 2 ice-creams and peanuts. It's a vicious circle - I know I have to break the circle but the pain makes me eat as I feel bad about what I'm losing out on and what I might lose out on - ergo the Luxembourg job. How does one lose weight when one is in pain with restricting mobility?
Today I'm off work. I need to go to my flat to fix a few things. The tenants I had who just left, did a real mess out of my flat. Thank God for my brother and his wife who have spent the last few days cleaning it inside out. there is no way I could have managed. First of all, even if I was not in pain, I do not clean like they - they actually move everything and clean obsessively. And as I am, I cannot manage to clean anything. It is very humbling and humiliating for me to just stand by as others do what I should be doing myself. My eldest brother is totally against me leasing it out again. But, well, I'm broke. All the treatments I have tried and am still trying for my back/knees/leg situation has left me broke and I 'm still in it as I try to find something that works. I pretty much need the money.
I am trying to cut down a bit on the amount of food shoving down my throat. I'm doing no exercise because of my back and everything else situation. And I'm eating out of sheer frustration and yes, a reactive depression to all this. As I see my two great friends leaving for their luxembourg job in October, I get sadder. I'm very happy for them both but I should be going with them - I did so terribly well in my interview even if I say so!!! I have postponed my date to January but I keep questioning whether I will be well enough for that as I see my condition not improving. If I continue to blog here, you will see this issue coming up each time. A few ppl have told me that I have made my pain the focal issue of my life but ppl who say that ARE NOT in pain. The chiro keeps telling me that it will get better and I do believe that it will but the situation dictates otherwise. I knew that the condition of my 'bad' knee would worsen but I thought I would get to 40 before that and I saw this luxembourg opportunity a way to get some financial securit yunder my belt. I also thought that my bad knee would go worse, not that the rest of my lower body would just give up on me like this. Anyway, I don't think I can do more than I'm doing. I am right now seeing a chiropractor and a physical therapist. Don't know how I'll fare financially and I so pray to the good God that I get to see some improvement. Please God, get me to see some improvement in lesser pain. All of you out there who are not in pain, get off your ass and go walking, running, having fun, moving around. You have no idea what you're missing. If you're not doing so, I'm sorry, but the good painless existence you are living is wasted and you do not deserve the precious thing called 'health' which you seem to be enjoying effortlessly. Iknow I'm being bitter but continuous pain, less mobility and the fear of losing even what one has now in terms of mobility can make one very very bitter.
Hi All, it's been ages since I blogged. So much has happened, positive and negative but mostly negative. Positively, I got the Luxembourg job. Negatively, my health has continued to go bad and I fear for my mobility. I should have started my Luxembourg job mid-October but I have managed to shift it to mid-January now in the hope that I get better. Doctor now says it's sciatica and that is why knees and feet and toes hurt so much - also lower back burns. - I've been to so many people - therapists and now a chiropractor who keeps telling me to be patient and tha tI will get better. I am not exercising at all and just eating and am again at 75kg. Will go deeper in blogging tomorrow. But maybe this will help me deal with the situation a b it. I hope some of my friends are still out there.
day - another weekend - another struggle. - my situation is pretty much the same. Yesterday I went to my first meeting of a support group for fibromyalgia sufferers. there was an interesting talk from a chiropractor and I'm considering giving it a go. My legs and arms still hurt. Made an effort and went to a concert yesterday evening with my friends. It was very good - an italian singer/poet called Lucio Dalla of whom I'm sure you have never heard but wow, he was good!!!! I have an appointment with my physio today but in all honesty this sounds like more money down the drain.
So I got the result of my translation test and I passed. That means that the next step now is my interview in Luxembourg which should happen on teh 20th June. I should be very happy about this but my fibromyalgia diagnosis puts everything in jeopardy and I'm left wondering whether I'm up to living away from the support of my family feeling like this. A plus is that I'll probably not be on my own as a couple of friends are bound to do the same and we had already decided to share a flat but questions still rise as I keep thinking of myself as a burden. It saddens me that I'm at this point. Even the weekend in Luxembourg is daunting and I was more than relieved when my friend was scheduled to have the interview on the same day meaning we could travel together. When I think a bout 12 years ago when I just packed my bags and went to Australia on my own and now, when I should be more in charge, I'm daunted about going to Luxembourg for a weekend on my own, yes it saddens me. And to have something I wish for so much within my reach and feeling it slip away because my body is letting me down is also very very sad for me.
Weight wise - cause this is a blog about weight - I'm still at 72kg cause I had gained a couple of kilos but these last 10 days my IBS kicked in to add to my misery and I lost the 2 kilos again.
fibromyalgia it is, or so the doctor said yesterday. I was actually taken aback - he did the tests and he told me that I was probably not sleeping well and then I just asked - is this fibromyalgia? - and he just said - of course it - without any doubt - and I was so taken aback as if he had punched me. He went on to say that it's not a death sentence but I remarked it's not a great diagnosis either.
I should not have been so taken aback - it is not as if I'm surprised - I knew in my heart that it was 99% fibro- and I think I've had it for a couple of years at least. The positive thing is that I've always managed to get out of it - the negative thing is that each relapse has been worse than the one before it. This time round it's a big effort to go through the day. There are a lotof things I would like to jot down here but some I thinkI'd better not - I don't want to let my parents see this once vibrant and active woman so physically challenged and helpless. I'd like= to spare them all this - I'd like to spare everyone all this including myself. And sometimes I think there is only one way to do that.
all for your words of enouragement. I've decided to try and continue with life as much as possible and wait and see, hoping that one day I'll wake up and have my back and right leg feel fine. Maybe I'm illuding myself. We'll just wait and see.
In the meantime, I try to continue the day to day things as much as possible. Yesterday on a whim I booked flights and accomodation for a friend and myself to London in December - just 3 days - but something to look forward to and I think we got a good deal. I have to believe that by December I'll be fine, I hope it happens before then actually. It would be great to go for these three days and do all my Christmas shopping there!!! I need to keep inventing things, maybe not so expensive every day, to keep my spirits up and let me look forward to the forthcoming months thinking they have wonderful things in store for me rather than miserable pain. Thanks once again. I appreciate thesupport.
Not much to say. Back very bad - pain radiatin gin my leg. Did MRI and everything looks great - no slipped discs and no twisted nerves but still the pain persists. - very difficult to keep a brave face given the situation - a couple of weeks ago I told my friend that I preferred this pain than my terrible headaches but I stand corrected. I'd rather have the headaches - I cannot bear to have one leg hurting cause of the 4 operations and another hurting from my back - it makes me feel like I have nothing stand on - literally. hope you are all doing much better than I am
Just a joke i got by email that I thought I would share with you:
After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room. Those who remained talked about their kids.
The first guy said: "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied economics and business administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.
The second guy said, " Darn, that's terrific. My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to a flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in teh company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.
The third man said, "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universitiies and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion. "
The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from teh restroom and asked: "What are all the congratulations for?
One of the three said: We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons... What about your son?
The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub."
The three friends said: "What a shame... what a disappointment."
The fourth man replied: No I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends!
I haven't posted for so long that I had to count to get to the 108 number. It's not that I don't have anything to say but that I didn't feel like writing about it. There is too much pain in the world and at times all the things that I know people are struggling with overwhelms the heck out of me. I do read your posts though and comment on what you write.
Thank you for contacting me to see how I was going on seeing I was absent for a few days. On a personal note still not in too much of a mood to write much except that things are pretty much status quo, did some tests, should get results in 2 weeks, had a minor traffic accident which really was the cherry on the cake on that particular day and I behaved like a lunatic (would have made my doctors proud of the CRAZY label they sometimes give me). So far the lady I had the accident with has not gotten back to me and she probably figured out she'd rather not have anything to do with me which suits me fine - maybe being crazy has its benefits? Have a great weekend my friends. Have a lot to say but no will to say it at this point in life. One last thing - might be hard to belief - but my spirits are not too bad at the moment - I think.
