Ok, so I'm not being THAT great about writing here. In fact, the past couple of weeks have been CRAZY for me.
This past Saturday, I went and picked up my new gelding! I was SO happy to get him. But, my happiness may be coming to an end. My vet came today and thinks that I may need to give him back. I'm anxiously awaiting a call back from the previous owner to find out what happened to his feet. I'm starting to get very sad. UGH!!!! So, the new man in my life, just may be going away.
I'm also getting another gelding very soon. He's going to be coming home on the 5th or 6th of December. I'm happy about him, too, just hope all is going to be well.
I strongly believe all things happen for a reason, but just can't believe all the sadness I've had to deal with this year. Both of my best friends moved away, another friend moved away and now a new couple I met, which was going to let me keep my horses there, are also moving. On top of it all, as I've said in my previous posts, I also lost my best friend of all not quite 3 months ago. I miss her terribly and I am really not looking forward to Thanksgiving, as my mom and I made T-day dinner every year together. I think I'll be putting more tears than anything else in the dressing this year, as that is our signature dish.
Well, as you can tell, my happiness is overcome with grief and sadness. I hope to hell that I can overcome this feeling of loniness and abandonment soon. I hate feeling this way, but just don't know how to get past it.
I lost another pound this week and am slowly but surely approaching the -25 mark. I know that's a great thing, as I've done the past 9 pounds all on my own. I know - GREAT accomplishment right? The emptiness is clouding that, too.
Well, it's been a long time since I've written here. Hmmm, I guess I've been starting a few posts off that way, lol.
I made a big decision in September and that was to quit Jenny Craig and do it all on my own. The first reason was, I lost my consultant. That made me very sad. I also didn't get the greatest replacement. The second reason.... I'm bringing my horse home and getting 2 new friends for her!!!! How great is that??? I know, I'm stoked!
Today was weigh in day and I've lost another 1.4 pounds all on my own! So, I've finally passed the lowest weight I got on Jenny. This is actually working! I'm finding on some days I have problems staying totally on track. The one thing Jenny did teach me is to not beat myself up about it and move on. I can't believe what a difference that way of thinking has helped me on this journey!
So, you can do this!!! I've proven to myself that I actually can, too. For the longest time, I thought I was just destined to be fat. Thanks to Jenny, I was put on the right path and now KNOW I can make a difference in my health, body, mind and soul! I just started feeling this way recently. I knew that it was just going to take forever for me to start feeling better about myself after my mom passed away a couple of months ago. I've not been in the best place mentally and was feeling VERY sorry for myself. Well, I'm dedicating my weight loss to my mom since she was my biggest supporter and I'm doing it for me! I have a 2 year old at home that needs her mom as healthy as she can be! I'm disabled and can't keep up with her, but it would be nice to be healthier so I could do a little more with her.
Good luck to all of you that are on this same journey! I know you can do it!
Ok, I just wrote a bunch of stuff and it hasn't posted to my blog. This is the second time this has happened and I don't understand why. It's getting my very frustrated to get my feelings out in words and have it get erased or lost before it posts.
I was simply stating that I realized yesterday after my post that it had been a long time since I had posted. I know why, because I was busy going to my mother's house and trying my hardest to take care of her since the end of July.
She was a trooper and handled everything in her life and her death with dignity and pride. She will be missed very much, as she was also my best friend.
I am going to try my hardest to come here more often to get my feelings out. It's definitely not good to keep it all locked up.
So, with that, I'll close for now. I'm really ticked that my post didn't make it to my blog. I hope this one does.
Well, this week was very difficult. I lost my mom on the 30th of August and it just hasn't been the same.
My mother was not only that, she was also my best friend. I think that made even harder for me to endure her loss.
I was there for her right to the very end. She was admitted to hospice on that Monday afternoon. She passed at 5:45am on Wednesday. She wasn't even there for 2 days. I was there for her through it all and I do know she was aware of my presence, right up to the very end.
After almost 2 weeks, I'm able to look back at that couple of days as the hardest I've ever had to face. My mother was the proudest person I know and I was proud of her for it. She knew it was time and took things into her own hands. I will cherish every moment I had with her. I was glad to help her get a last conversation with ehr sister and my sister, who were both coming that day. I was sure she had at least one day left in her, but she waited until my dad was able to get there and a half hour later, she was gone with my lying in her lap holding her hand.
I'm surprised at the strength I've been able to gain from this experience. I'm going to make my mother proud of me and get the rest of this god forsaken fat off of me. I know she will be guiding me along and I can still talk to her whenever I feel like it, just not in person.
This past weekend, my sister and I met at my dad's house (still having a hard time calling it that - it's always been mom's) to help him get her things packed and taken away. I don't think he would have been able to accomplish this on his own or in a timely manner. He's been ready for the end to come, we just had no idea it would have been this quick.
I believe my dad is going on a "date" tonight. He had a conversation with someone on the phone and although he was in the same room with me, was kinda hush-hush about it. I could hear that it was a woman. He told me today that he was going to dinner with friends. I guess he'll tell my sister and I on his own terms when he's decided to date and to whom. It kind of hurts, but at the same time I understand. That's just bizarre. My sister and I agreed that he'd be one to move on rather quickly. I just can't believe it's been less than 2 weeks. That's the upsetting part to me. I think that's TOO fast. I know for a long time, my dad has been missing the emotional connection with someone, as my mom being pretty ill this whole year made that very hard for it to happen on top of having it rarely happen in the first place. My mother was very to herself about her feelings and I think my dad took the brunt of that. I just hope I can deal with him moving on without and harsh or ill feelings.
Well, on to better news. I weighed in this week Saturday morning before I left for dads. I knew I'd be up a lot this weekend and I didn't want the swelling in my ankle to cause the scale to go up. To my surprise, I lost 2.2 pounds! I'm going back down! I am so happy to see that! I hope going out to 2 wonderful restaurants this weekend doesn't ultimately kick me in my own behind. I got on the scale this afternoon and I was only up .6 of a pound. I think by Monday, I'll be able to shed another pound or maybe even 2. I'm stoked!
I'm hopefully going to be starting to work out in the gym I joined next week. It's been in the building stages since I joined (did it to lock in good prices) and it's supposed to be open next week. I can't wait to get started!!!
Well, I thought I'd write myself a little somtin somtin before I departed to the beaches of Ft. Lauderdale. I will try my damnest to keep on track. I promise to drink all the water I possibly can, soaking up rays by the pool will definitely head me in that direction. I promise myself to choose wisely if I need to make a choice outside of Jenny.
I'm so excited about going and getting out of this house for a few days. I'll still have the kids with me, but they have promised me a couple hours of solitude a day to help with my nerves and mental well-being. I'm so glad that I have wonderful kids. They help me out so much that sometimes I feel as if my kids are taking care of me and that's not supposed to happen until I'm at least 80! I know sometimes they don't like having to do as much as they are doing, but I'll be damned if I let them sit around like bums either. I don't think I ask too much of them, although ask them and they'll say different! A few of the household chores have been passed on to them, but they are 12 and 16. I think they are way past old enough to handle some household responsibilities. I know, spoiled rotten kids. I blame myself and my ex. I just hate having them locked in their rooms, as that's what my ex used to do to them all the time. So, as a result, my middle daughter tends to be a little snob sometimes. And, I have to remember that she may win some battles, but I'm definitely going to win the war! I have already spoken to her about her attitude and how she speaks to me. She's got a rude awakening! Got I can't stand teenagers!
Well, that's about it. I'm sincerely going to try my best to think wise as far as what goes in my mouth. I really hope I can stick to it. I love the new me! I want to keep looking better and better every month!
Ok, so last night I got my hair cut. I LOVE IT!!! I got a lot cut off and this is the start to a new me. I feel rejuvinized! I even had my husband take some new pics of me and one is below. I feel so great and I was able to fit into a pair of capri jeans that were my favorite pair from a couple of years ago and haven't been able to fit into. On a whim before I went to get my hair cut, I tried them on. THEY FIT!!!! How great is that? WONDERFUL!!! So, I felt great on my way to getting my hair cut and felt even better after! I got home and my husband is now thinking he's cheating on his wife with a new woman. That made me feel great. My oldest daughter also said I looked beautiful and that had me crying silently to myself on the ride home.
This morning, I almost felt like last night was a dream. But, after looking in the mirror, I realized it wasn't. My hair looks fantastic! I had straight as a board hair. Now, I have curly hair and I didn't need to have a perm, even though it looks like I have! I couldn't believe how curly my hair is now! I look and feel great.
So, I've now begun a new chapter in my book. This is a new beginning to starting over. I've lost just more than 20 pounds and finally realize I can keep on going! I was losing track of my path and I've been able to start hobbling along that path again.
Here's to a new beginning! Who knew a hair cut could do all that, right? Well, it has for me. I've now got a new look on things and know I can work harder to make this weight loss go forward. I know I can do this and know I'm going to try harder to stay away from the "snacking" I was doing beyond what I should have. I'm so glad that I've found my way again and can finally start feeling better about myself!
Ok, I did it yesterday! I joined Gold's Gym! I am stoked about starting to work out again! I just hope I limit myself enough to keep myself healthy and not hurt myself again. I am really going to have to keep myself in check to make this work. I get so competitive with myself that I'll push as much weight as my body will allow. I've always been strong, but after several years out of the gym, I know it's going to take me a bit to get back into shape! It's been a long time since I've been healthy! I mean, at my skinniest, about 130 pounds, I wasn't healthy. Through Jenny, I'm beginning to learn what is healthy and what is not. However, my brain is still craving the stuff that's not. I don't know how to shut that switch off. I still want the donuts at Dunkins and I stil want the fried cheese at well, wherever. I know what foods I like and am having a hard time with giving them up. I still find myself giving an excuse for trying to eat them. Am I that screwed up in the head?
Maybe..............
And, when I feel like that, I begin to hate myself for sabotaging my diet and my health. Why don't I really want to lose this weight? I know I don't like being fat! I used to charm all the great looking guys! I want to do that again, just so I can shove them all back and say screw you, just cause you didn't notice me when I was fat. I want to do that soooooooo bad you have no idea! I don't think my husband has a clue, though. I woner if he's going to see me differently, since I've never been REALLY skinny with him, and I've definitely never been skinny with muscles, lol. He was very skeptical with me joining the gym. I don't know if that was because I hurt myself last time I joined one, or he doesn't want me losing weight. I don't know which one it might be. I hope it's the first one. I can't deal with him not being behind me on this, but every day I try to talk to him about it, he gets an attitude. Maybe he likes having a fat wife? He's, honestly, the best thing that has ever happened to me! I met him on the computer, if you can believe that one! We started off just as friends, then got to be closer friends and shared a lot of internal feelings with each other. We'd talk usually 10 or so hours a day. No, neither one of us were sleeping much. Caffeine and nicotine were our staples. Then after a few months, we realized we cared about each other more than just friends. Then, a couple months later he flew to meet me and that was it. We were definitely happy with each other. He meant more to me than any other man in my life! Now, with as much as he works to support his family, I barely get to see him, let alone talk to him. I miss that.
Ok, well, don't know where all THAT came from! All I know, is I love my husband, I love my kids and I love my animals. I just need to learn to love myself and some day realize I'm allowed to be happy with myself inside and out. I don't know if I've ever had both at the same time. Hmmmmm.......... I'll have to think about that one! I really don't think I've ever had both. That's ashame! Oh well, time to re-vamp everything I think. I just need to find something else to push me. I'm hoping I can do this exercise by myself. I've always had someone to help me. Usually those people have been smaller, prettier and what every man wants. I don't know why I do that, maybe to attract the guys attention. I was wishing it was just to have someone in front of me reminding me of what I want to be. I'm almost 40 and I want all that! I just might have to go to counseling for myself, just to get my feelings ironed out, even though I KNOW what's best! That just friggin sucks that I can tell any other person on the face of the planet what to do for themselves, but when it comes to myself.......I just sit there like a lump! I know what to eat, I know how to exercise, I know what to do to get my brain on the right track. Why can't I just do it?
I just don't know.
I have a couple of months to get that all ironed out and try my hardest to work on my emotions before I hit the gym with the RIGHT attitude! I better do it. Or, I'll have something else to be pissed about. I hate letting myself down! I've stuck with Jenny for a few months before feeling like I'm giving up on that, too. My weight this past month was awful! I should have lost weight over a period of a month, instead, I gained! How f***** up is that? VERY!!!!!!!!!
So, here I am beating myself up for it, instead of concentrating on the future, like I should and like I"ve told 20 people to do. And, to top it all off, I'm feeling like giving up. What the hell is that all about? I don't derserve to be fat. NO one deserves to be fat for that matter. Why can't I get passed it? Hopefully soon, I'll be able to feel better about myself.
Well, time to go back being a Mom. The little one needs me. Maybe after vacation this week, I'll feel better about myself. I am getting my hair done today and Michael always makes me feel better!
Ok, after dumping out a whole lotta feelings last night on the Jenny site, I am bound and determined to make this darn scale move this week! In the RIGHT direction! I've been in more pain, as I've had to do more. My oldest daughter getting a job has really gotten me. I now have to get up and drive whether I feel like it or not! You know, there are days I don't want to move and it's only her first week! Her boyfriend has been helping with picking her up in the evening, thank God. I even had his mother take her to work one day because with a migraine and my foot bothering me, I didn't think I'd be able to do it. So, in spite of all these things, I've been a little in the dumps this week. I think I've been feeling sorry for myself, I'm not sure. Sometimes I feel I'm giving into the pain, when I know I shouldn't. It's such a damned demon I tell you!
However, I'm going to conquer it this week. I've decided I'm going to do whatever I can this weekend to get that forsaken scale to move in the right direction! I swear it! So, I'm going to follow my meal plans...drink the right amount of water....eat when I'm supposed to, blah, blah, blah. I know what I should do to lose weight. I can tell anyone else how to make it better for themselves, but I let all my other demons come back and give me an excuse to eat things I know I shouldn't. Why have I been sabbotaging my weight loss? I'm paying enough money for it, I don't really want to keep spending this money every month, that's for sure! So, I'm going to do something about it! I am going to be getting my nails done and soon!
I know they say that saying is the root to a lot of things, but I can't stand the pain any longer. I'm up to 6 medications a day, and have had to up the dose on one of them and I think we'll have to be doing another one soon. I can't stand this pain. I know, I've said that already. I'm becoming crabbier with every passing day and I just want to be so normal for my family. I'm forgetting a lot of things, in part I know the meds, but in part also because the pain is what (unfortunately) I'm focusing on. Now that my oldest got a job, I'm here by myself just like when they were in school. I am not doing too well. I just wish I could have more time to stay down. Literally speaking. My ankle is huge and is killing me. Because of this pain, I'm hot all the time now. I can't seem to do anything, in a/c or out of a/c, without sweating - even simple stuff, like sitting here right now. I find myself yelling a lot more than I ever did. I know, because the baby is picking it up. She's now yelling when she wants something. I guess that ought to be a clue to how I'm like since she spends most of her time with me.
I just read some of my past posts and I reached 20 pounds lost over a month ago. Now I'm right back there again! That is just sad. I now feel like I've wasted a month's worth of food. I can't seem to keep at anything too long. I feel like I'm failing at this, too. Fail seems to be the word for my life. Maybe that's why my ankle hasn't gotten better. Maybe I am the fat lazy bitch that my ex-husband keeps reminding me that I am? God I'm just frustrated with myself and I don't know how to get me out of this! I seem to do so great helping other people, which is what I know I was meant in this life to do, but when it comes to myself, I don't seem to give a crap. Oh well, I'll just have to see what road I take myself down next.
I should have gotten some things off of my chest before now. My 12 year old daughter is going through the pre-teen crap right now and I'm beginning to despise my own flesh and blood. She is pushing my buttons, every last one of them and also shredding what nerves I have left. She is plotting her father against me and lying more about things. I know I have to put my foot down, but without the same support on the other side, I'm going to continue to have this battle. She is manipulating both her dad and I and I'm so over it. So, I told her to stay at her nana's for another week because I just didn't want to see her. I don't want to see her.
We're supposed to be going on a "girls only" trip to Ft. Lauderdale and I was hoping that we would be able to have some fun girl times, but I think she's going to ruin it. I feel terrible about feeling like this towards her, but I just simply can't help it. I do not like being lied to by my children. It is something I have never tolerate, nor will I ever. I talked with her on the phone last night and told her why I was so mad at her and she just was short with me and hardly said a word. I told her that if her attitude isn't better by the time I pick her up to go to Ft. Lauderdale, she's simply not coming. I sincerely hope she does think about how she's treating me. I WILL NOT have a 12 year old girl tell me what she's going to do. I just don't work that way.
To top that off, my 16 year old started her first job this week. I cried most of the way home on Monday after dropping her off. I can't believe my little girl is growing up so fast! She thinks I'm silly for feeling that way, but I told her when she has kids, she'll know what I'm talking about. So, I've been by myself a lot this week and it's not helping my ankle much by being up as much as I have been. So, when my husband gets home from work, he's bombarded by the baby (his only daughter) and I plop my fat ass in my bed to get my foot up. So far, I haven't had any luck this week getting rid of the swelling that showed up on Monday. It's going to be a long weekend, I can tell you that!
My mom did get good news and was able to go to North Carolina to enjoy their beautiful condo they bought this winter. I was so happy that she was able to get a break away from chemo. She definitely deserved it!
I did manage to lose 2 pounds this week. I hope it doesn't come back. I really want to get out of the 220's. That would certainly feel great! Once I do that, I get to have my nails done again. That's my reward to myself and I'm going to wait until I reach 25 pounds gone. I could just go get them done, since I've been dying to for the past 8 months, but I'm going to wait to reward myself, so I know I really deserve some pampering. I really wish now that I would have made my personal rewards in 20 pound increments. Once I've lost 25 pounds, I'll just have under 70 to do so. Maybe I'll make the next reward after 20 more then do another 25 or so. I'll think of something. I really wish I could do something extravagant for myself, but I can't afford that. However, I made my husband promise me that when I do lose these 93 crappy pounds that I'll be able to put my boobs back where they belong and take a little away. I now have DDD's and I hate them. I've had D or larger since high school and I've hated them since then. I don't know if I can remember what my boobs look like up where they're supposed to be. This ought to be interesting!
I will end this chapter with that. I am getting anxious to see a new me!
