So my posts are gone but I think it's cool. It's like throwing away old clothes. These are old thoughts.
This week has been a little stressful. DH had oral surgery and let's just say eating wasn't on the top of my list. However, thanks to having some JC food around I did better than I thought. The hardest part is him having all kinds of crap in the house. I had to buy him seafood gumbo (YUM) of which I did not eat. It's that kind of thing that can be frustrating. There are lots of those moments. I do not want to wonder into "I'm tired. So what?" zone.
And then, thinking about the to have or not have kids thing is a bitch. The reality is kids stay young temporarily and there are lots of lonely people in nursing homes. So, it really comes down to what I want to pour myself into. For some it's being a Mom. Is that true for me? I honestly don't know. But, if it isn't, then I need to continue to find that purpose in my life. I am know I am pretty close when it comes to working. I really love my career and I really love my husband. I love my neices and nephews and I know I can be a role model and mentor to them. This is an ongoing discussion in my mind and I am trying not to get to emotional about it.
I love and approve of myself. I can restart my day at any moment.
Have ya'll noticed that when people lose weight they look younger? That is so amazing to me!
I am so glad JC is coming back with the salmon and triple chocolate cheesecake. I hate cooking. I mean I used to like it a little, but now when I shop it's for something frozen. I have really been checking out those meals by Amy's Organic. They are AWESOME!
Well I am about to be 35 in Jan. and it's that time to start thinking about whether or not we want kids. We are leaning towards "not." But, can I just express the frustration in things having their timing? I am so not there, but why can't I have another ten years to decide? C'est la vie.
Snacking is such the big deal. Yesterday I had a good snacking day. from 1:30 - 8:00 I was working so I had the following:
tall non-fat latte (milk serving)
1 large bottled water
1 bannana (fruit)
JC snack - graham twists (1 starch & 1 fat)
What a difference this made! By the time dinner came, I wasn't that hungry and I had some of the JC bean and ham soup. It was pretty good for a not so hungry meal.
I never realized how important snacking was until JC. I never would have eaten a bannana - I would have saved those calories for my really fattening meal. As if a fattening meal would be the same or fewer calories than a bannana! Oh the tangled web I weaved!
Anyway, now I am off for Dannon's fit and light yogurt smoothie, organic eggs and skim milk, and some low-calorie bread. YUMMO! It is a good thing to eat healthy.
Yesterday we rode 12 miles on our bikes. It was pretty nice. There was a long stretch where the wind was in our face so that was TOUGH and slowed down our pace considerably. Other than that, it was a great workout. I feel "skinny" this morning which is always totally cool.
As I looked back on my week, I realize that I am eating fewer and fewer JC foods. I eat the breakfasts and snacks the most, but lunches and dinners and a creating on my own. Sometimes I think I do really well, and sometimes I think the calories may go over a bit. On the good side, I think I will do well on maintence but the downside is that I need to lose a little more and it would be totaly helpful, mentally, if I were eating JC 100%.
I am also reading and participating in this cool book, The Sound of Paper.
I finish things I start. I love and approve of myself.
This week my hunger and cravings have diminished which has been really nice. It is weeks like these that I think to myself, "I really don't need THAT much food." It's true. I eat more because of other reasons, rarely because I am hungry. Even when I work out, the extra protein needs can be met with an extra cheese or egg white. That doesn't mean go eat fast food or take everything to the extreme.
I am reading and participating in a book called The Sound of Paper by the author of The Artist's Way. It calls for writing three pages long hand every morning. I did it today and it really helped to clear my head. It did take a while to fill up the pages, but the truth it, it is nice to know the paper can handle my inner most thoughts and fears.
OK so I never used to notice the "red line" but it's true. Hitting that red line is going to be so great! I am so close, yet so far away. I am trying to time a JC smores bar and a cheese stick this afternoon. I know it will be worth it.
OK, I don't know how people do it. I see women all the time with schedules and jobs where they eat out often. How do they maintain their weight? WHEW! We have been eating out a lot this past week and the scale was on the upside this morning. I mean, I am definately eating LESS when we eat out so that is a good thing - BUT it is still MORE calories at the end of the day than what I need.
I just need to figure this out. Eating out is just not a good social activity. I mean, it's kind of a "lazy choice" if you will. Just sitting and eating. I mean how tempting can that be not to overeat?!? GEEZ! I am aggravated with myself because I just gave in and ate too much and I don't like that. Lord knows this weight can hop right back on. It's up to me though.
I did see the movies, "Rendition" and "We Own the Night" and they were awesome!
I am a little disappointed in myself. I have been consumed with a church schism in a nearby church. My sister is obessed with all of it and I've gotten that way too. Then there's the ORU scandal/lawsuit happening right now. Then last night I saw calm Joel Osteen on Larry King and that is just a long line of yet another and another and another place where con-artists live.
Anway, people lie right? And frankly, I don't need to be filling my head with crap about people who lie and get caught or people who don't lie and other think they do, or whatever the case may be. I need not read every story of corruption.
What goes in must eventually come out. The calm I felt after my beautiful Lutheran service last weekend is so far freakin' gone. Geez. Why do those good vibes go away so fast? yeah, I know why. Because junk in junk out and I have been reading nothing but junk this week. Well, right now I feel like junk.
So, tonight I am officially reading no more of this crap; these wars, etc. After a few days of keeping up with these stories I can take no more. And I soon as I seriously calm down, I will go eat my JC cookout chicken although ice cream sounds better. Hey, I'm just being honest.
I am learning how to eat responsibly at a restaraunt. After almost 2 years I think it's time to go there. Last night, at the local pizza place, I had the most AWESOME small portion of a boiled shrimp salad. You talk about healthy! I was full too! OK - that was so huge for me. To leave a pizza place stuffed from a little salad. WHEW! Boy has the "size of my stomach" ever shrunk! I just keep thinking about what a JC meal looks like an move from there.
I am holding at 223, which I am completely not ashamed of by the way! I know I am close to goal. This is the time to work it more than ever! I laid in bed the other night thinking "food is not the answer" "food is not the answer" The answers are inside me. As I've said from the very very beginning, losing weight for me is about being uncomfortable, temporarily. It is about wanting to eat in that moment and telling myself, "No, that is not the answer although it seems like it is." It is in the moment of feeling like crap and sucky that I lose weight. And yes, the urge to consume all of the ice cream, every JC smore's bar, DOES pass.
Last night we went to O'Charleys and I had a half portion of their baked potato soup. You guys, my stomach was cramping before I even got home! It was so rich and I barely had 1/2 cup of it! That is just sad! I remember, at 306 lbs., I would eat that stuff all the time. Heck, I even cooked it! LOL It is just downright scary the amount of butter, cheese, and whole milk they pour into some of the dishes and call food!
Although it has been fun going out to eat with my husband lately and eating "responsibly", I cannot help but me so disappointed at the lack of healthy choices in restaraunts. Granted, I am in the deep south and it would be far more easy to get some healthy food in CA, I suppose. Most of the time I am limited to a house salad because their healthy entrees are bland chicken over a rice pilaf. OY VEY!
Moving on...today is Sunday and I plan to have a great bike ride and a beautiful day!
Later Taters,
