This isn't easy. And, honestly, it hasn't been going anywhere. I'm so busy that I don't have time to make myself healthy meals, or to work out (beyond what I'm already doing at dance and guard, that is). This is so difficult, and I feel like I've just gained back what I've lost...but, I may just be thinking so because I'm on my period now. I'll have to recheck on that next week, because (hopefully) it will be less disappointing.

I had the first snowday of the year today. Living in Central New York, we typically have one (or more) in December when we first get hit, but for whatever reason, we haven't had one until now. Thankfully, this day off came just in time. I've been desperately needing to catch up on English homework (reading Lord of the Rings), put away about three loads of laundry, and clean. Not to mention I haven't been getting enough sleep, and I ended up sleeping in an extra three hours this morning. AND, due to school being closed today, I don't have guard tonight. I really, really needed this day. I'm so pleased I finally got it.

I'll be trying to check back every so often...I need to lose the weight. I'm not going to fit into my prom dress if I keep up this lifestyle. I'm never going to be comfortable in my skin. 

This will not be the first time I've attempted to lose weight. I've secretly struggled with my weight for about six years...that takes me back to sometime around sixth grade. The only person I think I've really revealed my weight issues to is my boyfriend of nearly two years, because I have really terrible confidence issues when it comes to my appearance. He's the only one I've told how hard this is for me.

So, here I am. At the start of the year, I tried to start losing weight. I got Wii Fit Plus and Biggest Loser video games for Christmas, desperately hoping they would help. But my family always habitating the living room keeps me away. Then my eating started going south, and here I am, starting over...again. At least I didn't wait a few months before deciding this was necessary.

Goal date: August 2010. When I leave for college. I'm going to Mansfield University this fall as a music major. The campus is in the mountains of northern Pennsylvania, so the hills will kill me if I'm not in better shape by then. I'll also be playing in the marching band, so there's more exercise I'll be doing that I don't want to overwhelm me. I don't want to go to college and still be the fat girl. Well, okay. In my defense, I'm not that big. At this moment, I weigh about 177 (and I'm 5'3" or so). I'm a dancer, I'm in color guard, and I have a gym class in school every other day. So it's not like I never do anything. I just have a hard time controling what I eat and doing more than sitting around in my free time.

Goal weight: 149. Why? I can't remember the last time I saw a number below 150. And in the past few months, since my boyfriend moved (literally) 1,000 miles away, I've just put on more weight. Stress has taken over most of my life, and being a senior in high school is not as easy of some people lead you to believe. I have extra-cirriculars 4 days a week (M-Th), and soon on Saturdays, too. This busy schedule also pushes me to eat frozen or ready-made foods, since I'm not usually around for dinner. From looking at pictures from my sophomore year earlier today, it's clear to me that I have, in fact, put on about 20 pounds.

Here I am. I'm a 17 year old band geek who doesn't want to be seen as a big girl anymore. I don't want to feel self-conscious every time I meet new people, or find myself in a new situation. I'm really going to try, hard. Someday, I'm going to see that number, and it may easily be the best day of my life.