Maybe this time...

Battling and understanding a food addiction.

My Profile

  • Name: Stacerella
  • City: London
  • Region: London, City of
  • Country: United Kingdom

My Weight Loss

Height: 167.6cm
Start weight: 15st 10.00lb
Current weight: 14st 13.00lb
Goal weight: 11st 1.00lb
Lost to date: 0st 11.00lb
Remaining: 3st 12.00lb

My Calendar

26
May '12
< May >
S M T W T F S
    1 2 3 4 5
6 7 8 9 10 11 12
13 14 15 16 17 18 19
20 21 22 23 24 25 26
27 28 29 30 31    

My Photos

Before After

Weigh In 8 = 1 pound off

I'm getting frustrated with how slowly the pounds are coming off. Never before have I lost so slowly. I'm wondering if I'm pre-menopausal. Again, I wouldn't be as annoyed with this if I didn't have to be in a swimsuit in front of old friends at the end of August.
 
Aside from my swimsuit panic, I can only see everything as positive. The weight IS coming off (albeit slowly). I completed my second week of learning how to run (I've never made it through the second week before). I'm still feeling happy!
 
I'm looking forward to taking my measurements on Monday (my monthly update). I hope there is a difference. Keep your fingers crossed! I actually take pictures, too, but I'm not ready to share those yet. YET.

Not really food related. Rather, venting.

What in the world has happened to manners? I'm getting so sick and tired of holding doors open for people without receiving a "thank you". I'm tired of people colliding with me on the market and they don't say "sorry", which I say even if it's not my fault. I'm tired of people blocking pavements as they stand around talking. I end up tapping them on the shoulder and saying "Hello? It might surprise you to know there are other people in the world and they are trying to get trying to get past you, you inconsiderate jerk." Of course I DON'T say this, but when the pavement is blocked I'm now thinking it with increasing frequency. And thinking this makes ME feel like the jerk.
 
Lately I've been having huge difficulty with always doing the "right" thing. And as much as I would love to be as rude as everyone around me seems to be, I simply can't do that. But you know what? Being nice has exhausted me. I now find I'm staying at home to avoid any dealings with bad manners. What scares me is how happy this has made me. I'm happy! I've moved from being "content" to "happy"! And because I'm happy, I've not experienced any emotional eating. Last week I lost 4 pounds!
 
The drawback? It can't be good to be so anti-social. Logically I know this. It doesn't stop me from wanting to hole up in my happy little world. Maybe I should start to worry when I begin ordering groceries online.

Weigh In 7 = 4 pounds off

It was back on track for me. I've cut back on cheese and quantities. I've been trying to keep an eye on how many points I'm eating. The extra effort has paid off.
 
Either that or I'm making up for the three pounds on last week!
 
Oh. I've started running (again, for the third time). Week one is only run 60 seconds, walk three minutes (repeat three more times). What a way to immediately feel uncoordinated and out of shape. Still, I'm giving it a go. It's a ten week program where the goal is to run 30 minutes without stopping. I'm viewing it more as an experiment than anything else. Can a non-runner actually learn to run?

Being an addict

It always amazes me how easy it is to fall off a good, healthy eating routine, and how hard it is to get focused again afterwards.. Let me be more specific: one "off plan" meal (ie a birthday celebration - and I make this a specific event because just going out to dinner is no reason to go off plan) isn't hard to recover from. One PLANNED day off isn't SO bad to recover from (if this is an unplanned binge day, that's a different story). Once I hit two (and certainly more) days of my old gluttony behaviour and I find getting back on track difficult. It's not that I can simply start from scratch. There is no way I can get that initial "new diet" excitement back.
 
The first two days back on healthy eating are torture. Every minute is spent thinking of food, of my next meal, of the temptation for a bag of crisps with the promise of "I'll start tomorrow". I really only have to endure the torment for two days. After that I'm back to what I want to be my "normal" eating.
 
I'm often reminded of a conversation I had with a young clubber. This person took pills every weekend to (in their opinion) "enhance" their clubbing experience. After their artificial high on the weekend, Mondays and Tuesdays were spent in a depression. This didn't stop them from repeating their behaviour the following weekend.
 
This is no different to what happens to me after eating unhealthier foods. I'm immediately very happy. Sorry, but I am. If I had enough control to stop with a bite or two, this wouldn't be a problem. When I stop eating those foods, I'm depressed and want those foods again. And the more days I eat these foods, the harder it is for me to "kick" the habit. All the while I'm thinking "I'd rather be fat and happy than suffering this way". And yes, it do feel I'm suffering.
 
We addicts, and I don't really care what the addiction is, need to get to the place where the pleasure of what we're addicted to is outweighed by the good we're doing avoiding the addiction. It's hard, though. Pleasure vs good. It's not always easy to choose the better path, or to even identify the better path when you're having a bad day.

Shame on me.

I've been feeling like a horrible person since my last weigh in post. How dare I blame my binge on someone else! No one was to blame except me. We ALL know, on this weight loss journey, that one of the most important lessons to learn is accountability. I failed that lesson on Saturday. Shame on me.
 
Having said that, I do need to learn how to deal with the line between being a good friend to someone and being a good friend to me. I simply can't let someone's depression effect me. It's just really difficult, when someone is hurting, to say "can we change the subject", especially when you can see in their face that they need more time to talk.
 
So it's more than learning how to deal with the line. It's discovering where the line actually is in the first place!
 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
One of the most positive bonuses of losing weight is the potential of becoming a better human in the process. I'm quite grateful for the moments on my journey that cause me to pause and be introspective. While I might not be able to solve personal issues that can have an effect on my eating behaviour, at least to recognise those issues is a step in the right direction.

Weight In 6 = 3 pounds on

What can I say?
 
For the first time in ages I binged - for two days... the two days before today's weigh in. This was brought about by listening to a friend complain about her life - a life that seems pretty good to me. She has a fantastic boyfriend who adores her. She just came back from a wonderful holiday in Malaysia and is going to Spain in a few days time. Through one entire dinner I listened to her complain how she doesn't want to be back home... she wants to be back on holiday.
 
She complained to me: single for the past two years, and holidayless - I simply can't afford one.
 
I want to be a good friend. I know she had the post-holiday blues. But where is the line of being understanding and just wanting to cover my ears and say "shut up shut up shut up"?
 
I ended up feeling full of self pity and did my old turned-to-food-for-comfort. And now here I am blaming my binge on someone else. I feel like a horrible friend. I really suck.

Weight In 5 = 2 pounds off

I'm pleased things are still going in the preferred direction, and I hate to add a "but"... BUT... yesterday's peek showed a three pound loss. Yet another reason not to check in advance. The difference doesn't really upset me. What it DOES do is make me go over yesterday's food in too much detail - trying to think of the reason for a one pound gain overnight. A one pound difference that doesn't really matter! I've still had a good loss!
 
Why would I do this? I know I didn't stray off my plan. Why in the world would I think twice about yesterday's food? Would it stop me eating the same things another day? No - because I didn't do anything "wrong".
 
We must remember that we can do everything right, and still not get the result we want. Life just happens that way, sometimes.
 
Anyway, I'm off to spend the weekend at a friend's. I've not seen her in three years so I'm VERY excited. I know I won't fall off my food plan (in other words, I'm not going to eat carbs), but I do know I'll be drinking more wine than I normally do! And yes, I'm going to peek at the scale Monday morning to see the damage!
 
One day I'll learn!

Weigh In 4 = 3 pounds off

That'll show that two pound gain last week who's boss!
 
So once again, FEAR has spurned me on. At the end of August I've been invited to a charity alumni swim meet! The last time these people have seen me was when I was swimming six hours a day! YIKES!
 
While I no longer swim, I have continued to eat the huge amounts of food I once did when I was training. I know I can't make up 30 years of eating in four months, but I CAN at least weigh a bit less and be a bit more fit!
 
I have four months before the meet, and I'd LOVE to lose two stone by then.That's 7 pounds a month - 1 1/2 pounds a week (roughly). Completely achievable! I would LOVE to swim a couple times a week, too, although I don't think I have a swimsuit that fits! Maybe in a month or so. Ugh! I'm panicking!
 
Are you demotivated? Pretend you need to be in a swimsuit in front of all your old friends soon... or pretend you're going to see your ex at an event in a couple of months. (Actually, now that I think about it, my first boyfriend will probably be at the swim meet. ACK!) As I said, FEAR is a great motivator!
 
Good luck to all of us! xx

1 Month Stats

Total weight loss for month - 5 pounds
Total inches lost for month - 5 1/2 inches
 
Well I can't say I'm thrilled with the results as I've had much better results in the past. I'm trying to console myself with:
  • It's not been a full month (I was half-hearted the first week)
  • I've not exercised much (not even a daily walk - ugh)
  • I've not "suffered" with eating frustration (as in no desire to binge! Nice!)
  • I did have two days of unlimited birthday celebrations  (which resulted in a two pound gain)

I guess I shouldn't be upset. If I continue this way, five pounds a month would make it a 60 pound loss in a year. Having said that, I KNOW I can do better than a 5-pound-a-month loss! So...

GAME PLAN FOR MAY:

  • Cut back on cheese (with Atkins I've been eating a fair bit of this! Yum, but we all know it will slow the weight loss down)
  • Be aware of portion size (just because something is good doesn't mean I need to eat three)
  • Have a daily walk
  • Drink more water

That's not too hard, is it?

I feel itchy! Oh so itchy! (yes, I'm singing this)

I never remember until I'm losing weight again how itchy my stomach and thighs become! At the moment it's just below my navel - across the roll of fat I'm currently tucking into my jeans. I do recall on previous diets that my thighs get the same way.
 
Anyone else have this, or know why it happens?
 
 

Tracker