Hot weather and Husbandly wisdom
Let's start with the Husbandly wisdom. Yesterday when I got off work, and not feeling so great about myself...mainly my body image (not news there) I waited for my husband at his office like he had asked me to travel to a neighboring down to drop something off with him at the UPS store. This had already put me in a more semi-bad mood than I was already in, because I had really wanted to just go home and work out. Being that it was already after 6 and we hadn't eaten, I asked if we were just going to find something there in town to eat. And that's where it really began-he suggested the BBQ place, no (I really really love their chicken strips and fries), he suggested the Italian place, no (I LOVE pasta)...for one...I wasn't exceptionally hungry. It works that way when the weather gets warm, and when I am having my period I don't have much of an appetite. The appetite I do have is for salads and cold sandwiches. So when we stopped at HallMark for me to get a birthday card for a friend, I offered for him to go get something to eat and come back and get me. Nope. Finishing the task of getting the card, he suggested Arby's, to which I shruggged a yes. All of the things I wanted there, bread, meat, cheese, but all the things I SHOULDN'T have there. If I had known before hand (like earlier in the day) I would have gone on and figured out the points for something reasonable. If I had known before hand I wouldn't have eaten 4pts worth of Gardetto's pretzels that weren't even that good. It took Husband all of 30 seconds to order his 5 for 5.95 two beef and cheddars, some onion petals, some cheese sticks, and a pepsi, and turn to me who had first considered throwing the day away and getting the same as him, who had looked at the salad and then remembered seeing something on hungry-girl.com that they usually have as many calories, and when he turned to me, I just shook my head. I couldn't do it. I couldn't order. I didn't want it. I mean I wanted it, but I didn't. I was/am so SICK of feeling guilty for eating! "Actually, just cancel that whole order" Husband said as he pulled away. I argued with him to go back and get his food. I cried out my apology for ruining his dinner. And I didn't talk much on the way home because I felt so wretched. I was upset b/c I had messed up his dinner that he wanted. I was upset with myself for not ordering something. I was becoming increasingly more upset at how fat and unhappy I am. I felt like a bad wife. I felt like a bad person. Then Husband spoke. "you WILL lose weight. But I'm not sure how you'll really do it while you are so stressed" Stressed? I really hadn't thought about it. I mean sure there is the day to day annoyance of work, cleaning the house, taking care of the dogs and cats, but Stressed? "you've got stress. You stress alot. You are stressed about the money thing, probably not as much as I am, but you still are. You're stressed about wanting to have a baby, and my not being ready. You're parents stress you out, MY parents stress you, the fact that we aren't going to church stresses you out." It was all truth. Truth that I thought he'd been to busy to really see, and truth that I myself had ignored (because avoiding the truth is something I do VERY well). We drove in a few minutes of silence. "You forgot stressed about my weight" I said. "Well, I thought that was a given" he retorted. "At least I saved us some money on dinner?" I still didn't feel much better, but I did feel better knowing he noticed. And kinda felt better when he said that if I were having a pity party, he wasn't going to attend. His way of saying, buck it up. He dropped me off at home, and he went to finish up some stuff at the office, and I spent 45 minutes on the elliptical. 45 minutes of feeling my heart rate go up and down, 45 minutes of sweat and burn and exhaustion. 45 minutes of watching an episode of CSI on Spike, and it just happened to be the one where there was a homocide at a "Fat Convention". 45 minutes of thinking "Why are you crying and complaining? You have 30lbs to lose, which is alot less than these fictional characters and alot of people have that they want to lose" which made me feel even more selfish. 45 minutes of pinching my muffin top..the belly...the love handles...somehow wishing that if I did that enough it would combine with the exercise and when I got off the ellipitcal it would have magically disappeared. The fat didn't go away last night, and I know that it will take many many more days of 45 minutes on the elliptical to get rid of any of it.
And Hot weather. I don't like hot weather. But I do like what it does to my appetite. It's alot easier for me to eat more healthfully when it's hot. I don't want mashed potatoes when its 80 degrees outside.
I'm in a funk, I know that. And I need to get out of it. I know that too.
