Something just hit me. Something strange. Something I've honestly, NEVER experience before.
It started at lunch...annoyed with my salad that over the course of being in it's container for more than a few hours, got kinda pink and funky looking. The cheese on top kinda slimy. Not appetizing at all.
But the baked chicken breast was still good....wonderful, juicy, and lemon peppery just like the day I baked it. But it wasn't enough. I needed something else...I needed something green.
WHAT? Green.
And not just green, crisp, snappy. Something that tastes fresh.
So in the middle of the semi-spring-but-kinda-cold, and did I mention it's kinda raining..I tromped over to the grocery store.
In the fresh veggies aisle didn't give me anything I wanted. Sacks of salad, sure, but not what I wanted. Not even any of the little to-go baby carrots or broccoli.
Canned? Ugh...the thought of a vegetable out of a can didn't convey to me fresh, or crisp. It was more "works in a pinch, but don't expect the veggie to snap".
So I cruised over to the frozen food aisle. Ice cream, no. Garlic bread, no. But then I saw it. Frozen veggies....and not just frozen veggies...the Birdseye Steam pack ones...and to make it even better....they were on sale. I was only .69 away from my fresh-tasting, crisp bliss. :)
And let me tell you, they are good. And sometimes, albeit maybe just this once...it's good to give into your cravings!
With the onset of nicer weather, I've started walking more. Dh and I live in a small town, and there is a walking path around the park, and a track. But I didn't feel comfortable on either one of those really. The park always has people, and the track is right off the main road where people drive by all the time. It's not that exercise is embarrasing, but I just like being "alone" when I do it. So I thought about it, and found a new place to walk.
The cemetary. It's about 2 blocks from my house, away from traffic, and the inhabitants there don't cause me any sort of anxiety.
It's always manicured, and peaceful. However I'm not really thinking peaceful as I listen to my Kylie Minogue Fever cd (best workout cd ever, I swear), but it's so nice to be surrounded by quiet. Does that make sense?
In general it gives me a good 30-40 minute walk. It's got some hills, and it's smooth pavement.
If I had any question that I wasn't supposed to be walking in there, I was reaffirmed the other day. While walking, I like to read the names on the stones. Some have both first and last, some just say Father or Husband, and some just have the last name. There was one stone that gave me the sign I was looking for.
SWEAT.
Now I know it was the person's last name, and not a direct sign sent for me, but it was what I needed. So that's my after-work walking place. I do think that once I get in the hang of it, and if I am able to get myself up in the mornings, I will go to the track...try the ol' "run the corners, walk the straights" and see if that helps too.
Still trying to do the low-er carb thing. But haven't weighed myself yet.
So of course today, when I've decided to wake up and be low-carb..I'm running late for work, after rummaging through my purse can't find my "buy one get one free" Diet Mtn Dew cap, and because of those two things, abandoned my hope of the pepperoni stick/cheese stick combo and diet caffeinated wonder that makes the Atkins, and or low carb diet wonderful. I am not saying that my run with Atkins in college was at all healthy...my two week diet (in preparation for vacation) of Slim Jims, Diet Pepsi, and Pork Rinds, but I am telling you that in those two weeks, actually just in 11 days, I did lose 14lbs. Again, I'm not claiming it was healthy, and I'm here now b/c I got those 14 back...plus some!
BUT I am saying...that I honestly think that different diets work for different people. It's all in what you believe in, and what you find works for your body. For instance, I can (and have) be a die hard WW girl for weeks, months, and still only drop a couple pounds. "Losing weight slowly is healthier, if you lose it slowly you are less likely to gain it back" yeah, I've heard that. BUT being where I am now, I would really like to think that as miserable as I am right now, if I lost the weight, I'd really really REALLY try to do all I can to NOT gain it back. A good example...my good friend Melinda...diet after diet after diet, pill after pill after pill, and nothing, not a thing. Till she decided to do low-carb, and LOTS of yoga. She lost about 60lbs 3years ago and she's kept it off.
WE CAN KEEP IT OFF! ...once we lose it. How much do we really want this? How sick are we of wallowing in our misery over the extra weight we carry?
When Suzanne Sommers put out one of her books, she mentioned that if you look in the mirror and you have an "intertube" around your center, you need to back off on the carbs. She says that excess carbs just kinda hang out on our hips and bellies, well b/c it does. Not saying I buy into everything that SS says, but it makes sense ON MY BODY. It might not on yours. My old Personal Trainer, who still comes over to my workplace to catch up on me, he and I have seen that cutting out the starches helps me lose.
I don't know WHY I keep torturing myself with the "next trick", when I know what will work for me. So that is what I am going back to. No, not going back to the Slim Jims, Diet Pepsi, and Pork Rinds exclusively, but I've got to cut it out.
I've also gotten a walking buddy..woot woot!
So I know I've told you before, but..I think I have a new plan!
When I start off the month at 163.6. Weigh myself the day before my period and weigh 165.2. Then weigh myself yesterday and am at 164.
*sigh*
Two weeks of Weight Watchers, and this is what I get? I don't know whether to call it a real loss of 1.2, when really I gained .4 overall right?
Sick.
So sick of counting, and watching, and waiting. And saying no.
It's been a week since I exercised. Something I NEED to make more time to do right? Something I HAVE to make more time to do. And that's another thing. Maybe I was trying to start off too big there too. Maybe JUST 20 minutes 3x a week is enough, instead of 45 to start?
Temptations...diet pills mainly. My old "$20 quick fix go to", but I know I shouldn't. And I know there are other things I want to spend my money on first.
So another week of WW. What if I'm one of those people. One of those people it doesn't work for? It's worked for alot of other people. But then again, South Beach, Atkins, Jenny Craig, and <fill in diet plan here> have worked for people too.
So what will work for me?? First off "I" need to work for me. I have to stop saying "I want to", and start saying "I will".
Let's start with the Husbandly wisdom. Yesterday when I got off work, and not feeling so great about myself...mainly my body image (not news there) I waited for my husband at his office like he had asked me to travel to a neighboring down to drop something off with him at the UPS store. This had already put me in a more semi-bad mood than I was already in, because I had really wanted to just go home and work out. Being that it was already after 6 and we hadn't eaten, I asked if we were just going to find something there in town to eat. And that's where it really began-he suggested the BBQ place, no (I really really love their chicken strips and fries), he suggested the Italian place, no (I LOVE pasta)...for one...I wasn't exceptionally hungry. It works that way when the weather gets warm, and when I am having my period I don't have much of an appetite. The appetite I do have is for salads and cold sandwiches. So when we stopped at HallMark for me to get a birthday card for a friend, I offered for him to go get something to eat and come back and get me. Nope. Finishing the task of getting the card, he suggested Arby's, to which I shruggged a yes. All of the things I wanted there, bread, meat, cheese, but all the things I SHOULDN'T have there. If I had known before hand (like earlier in the day) I would have gone on and figured out the points for something reasonable. If I had known before hand I wouldn't have eaten 4pts worth of Gardetto's pretzels that weren't even that good. It took Husband all of 30 seconds to order his 5 for 5.95 two beef and cheddars, some onion petals, some cheese sticks, and a pepsi, and turn to me who had first considered throwing the day away and getting the same as him, who had looked at the salad and then remembered seeing something on hungry-girl.com that they usually have as many calories, and when he turned to me, I just shook my head. I couldn't do it. I couldn't order. I didn't want it. I mean I wanted it, but I didn't. I was/am so SICK of feeling guilty for eating! "Actually, just cancel that whole order" Husband said as he pulled away. I argued with him to go back and get his food. I cried out my apology for ruining his dinner. And I didn't talk much on the way home because I felt so wretched. I was upset b/c I had messed up his dinner that he wanted. I was upset with myself for not ordering something. I was becoming increasingly more upset at how fat and unhappy I am. I felt like a bad wife. I felt like a bad person. Then Husband spoke. "you WILL lose weight. But I'm not sure how you'll really do it while you are so stressed" Stressed? I really hadn't thought about it. I mean sure there is the day to day annoyance of work, cleaning the house, taking care of the dogs and cats, but Stressed? "you've got stress. You stress alot. You are stressed about the money thing, probably not as much as I am, but you still are. You're stressed about wanting to have a baby, and my not being ready. You're parents stress you out, MY parents stress you, the fact that we aren't going to church stresses you out." It was all truth. Truth that I thought he'd been to busy to really see, and truth that I myself had ignored (because avoiding the truth is something I do VERY well). We drove in a few minutes of silence. "You forgot stressed about my weight" I said. "Well, I thought that was a given" he retorted. "At least I saved us some money on dinner?" I still didn't feel much better, but I did feel better knowing he noticed. And kinda felt better when he said that if I were having a pity party, he wasn't going to attend. His way of saying, buck it up. He dropped me off at home, and he went to finish up some stuff at the office, and I spent 45 minutes on the elliptical. 45 minutes of feeling my heart rate go up and down, 45 minutes of sweat and burn and exhaustion. 45 minutes of watching an episode of CSI on Spike, and it just happened to be the one where there was a homocide at a "Fat Convention". 45 minutes of thinking "Why are you crying and complaining? You have 30lbs to lose, which is alot less than these fictional characters and alot of people have that they want to lose" which made me feel even more selfish. 45 minutes of pinching my muffin top..the belly...the love handles...somehow wishing that if I did that enough it would combine with the exercise and when I got off the ellipitcal it would have magically disappeared. The fat didn't go away last night, and I know that it will take many many more days of 45 minutes on the elliptical to get rid of any of it.
And Hot weather. I don't like hot weather. But I do like what it does to my appetite. It's alot easier for me to eat more healthfully when it's hot. I don't want mashed potatoes when its 80 degrees outside.
I'm in a funk, I know that. And I need to get out of it. I know that too.
so tonight, my family (namely my mother in law, who enjoys my cooking to hers because I actually flavor my food) has requested that I make Potato soup. Hrm...well..there goes my "no carbs after 5 rule", but my first rule I've decided is to "stay w/in my points". Because if in the end this whole weight loss thing DOES really boil down to calories in-calories out I think points are the way to go.
I just realized that this post has potential to get really scattered and rambling, so brace yourselves. My mind goes a million different ways....
ok..let me finish up the Potato soup thought first, then I'll go back to the calories in/calories out thing. ... so I make good Potato soup, and I just kinda assumed that since it was potato, it was "bad" for you. I kinda like to go into my meals, esp when I am counting points, knowing about how many points I am going to use...not having to count EACH little thing I add to my meal while I am cooking it. So today...I went on calorieking.com and ran the WW numbers on Potato Soup...more specifically BAKED Potato soup...now my soup...its boiled potatoes, w/a can of evaporated milk, some butter, onions, salt, pepper, and garlic. However, I put out little bowls on the table of sour cream, bacon crumbles, and cheese..I ran the numbers on the BAKED b/c I'm going to assume they already counted the calories for the things I don't cook into, but sometimes add to it. Does any of that make sense? Either way I am looking at 5-6 points per 8 ounces. So I'm planning on eating a small and very moderate bowl! And who knows...I MIGHT count the stuff as I put it in to make sure what's what! I'll let you know. And if I come up with some super duper healthy way about it...ah...nevermind..not gonna happen.
this is long so I'll leave the "math" problem in my head for tomorrow!
could we call someone who was obsessed with weighing themselves daily an addict? well, that's what I called myself. and this morning, the desire to weigh reared, and it was so hard to not get the scale out of the closet and see where I am at. But I didn't. I reminded myself that Friday isn't that far away, and that I'll weigh myself then. WW helped me with that...the whole only weighing once a week thing. Actually I weigh myself about every two weeks. I kinda like that better.
I also think I'm addicted to dieting. My best friend and husband both laughed when I told them that "this week, I'm on Weight Watchers". DH asks me on an almost daily basis..."so what is it today? Adkin's, low-fat, South Beach, Weight Watchers?" but its true...if I am not on one of the ones listed above, I'm usually bingeing. For some reason the comfort of being on a "diet" makes cheating seem ok, and binges forbidden.
Last night I did 45 minutes on my elliptical. I'm really hoping to get addicted to that. I am to the point, that even though I'll slow down, I'll go longer. I had really intended on stopping at 30 minutes last night, but then I saw the calorie count, and knew if I went just 15 minutes more I'd burn 500 calories!
This is day two back on WW, and so far so good. I'm eating at the mexican place here in town with a friend, but since I used to do WW, I already have the points figured. That and I have a mother-in-law who bought a HUGE bag of field greens that she's splitting with me when I get off work. This is after I had already purchased two bags of the "lettuce trio". I like mixing the two. You get the semi-grainy textures of the field, and the crunch of the romaine. Yum. That's another thing I'd like to get addicted to...salad.
Along with WW, I'm also taking Apple Cider Vinegar pills after I eat (as it reads on the bottle)-has anyone had any experience with that?
another..along with WW...at one time when I was going to the gym here in town, that was pre-owning an elliptical, my personal trainer told me not to eat carbs after 5.
So that's what I'm doing....WW points, Apple-Cider pills, exercise, and no-carbs after 5.
My task this weekend was to go to my parent's farm, and namely my childhood bedroom and clean it out. Seems that since I've been gone for around 5 years now my Mom finally wants to change it into a real guest room, and less of an old teenagers retreat.
7 trashbags. Filled with hundreds of notes passed, old stupid high school photos (I didn't throw them ALL away, but a good deal of them), old school papers, letters, cards, various memories that for the past 5 years I hadn't even thought of.
And I found some pictures of a girl. A girl that really looked like me. A girl that THOUGHT she was fat. A girl that always felt self-consious next to her best friend who was just ONE size smaller than she was. A girl that WAS me, 8 years, and 30lbs ago..
Last night in exasperation I cried out..."how could I have EVER thought I was fat back then! how can I not just lose it? Just 30lbs! That's all!"
And with that cry, I think the light finally came on in DH's head. "You can lose 30lbs" he said softly.
And I retorted that I'd need help. Help and reminder to exercise. Help to eat at home more and eat out less. Help is what I need. Maybe with him believing me more this time, I can do it.
Notice my new tracker? I've set a goal! I'm giving myself 90 days. That will put me at May 31, and hopefully almost 15 lbs lighter. I was gonna shoot for the whole 28.6 that I really want to lose. But I think that a loss of 1.1 a week, is a lot "more attainable" to me than a 2.2 one!
I'd really like to think that once I do lose the weight...I won't let myself gain it back.
Alright..enough rambles for this morning....
well..afternoon PS-I restarted WW today too. Let's hope it sticks this time!
My ONE cheat day a week, has spun into a very annoying TWO cheat days in the week, and its not even the weekend.
I've been sick right? Well, I ran out of egg drop soup, and was actually feeling alot better.
So I ran with that "feeling better" feeling. And I ran hard. But not on the treadmill like I should have.
So you take that feeling and you mix it with Mother-in-Law's birthday-and what do you get? Well me, a tiraimisu martini, bread with italian butter (fresh grated romano, cracked black pepper, and evoo), the soup (I was actually ok with it, it was a tomato brothy soup), the salad (with an awesome sweet onion dressing, it had a balsamic base), Pollo Torino (grilled ck breast-wait, don't get too happy for me, 3 shrimp, all smothered, and yes I do mean smothered, nigh onto SWIMMING in this creamy roasted garlic and sherry sauce, AND a bite of canolli (luckily it wasn't great! and it was a really small bite).
Today however, fresh off of my "cheat" day-it's also a birthday for a co-worker. That means we order pizza in, and I ate TWO pieces w/parm topping! I made toffee crackers (have had three so far), and another co-worker made chocolate cheesecake (which was breakfast).
So to get back to the ugh, with a side of ugh....Even though I had been/still am sick. I felt SO much better when I was just having soup. Ugh is that I'm still sick, feeling sicker today having eating SO SO SO much over the past couple of days.
A sigh and a shrug of the shoulders accompany my resolution to stay on track this weekend. My evening is going to consist of dinner (ugh, I can't even think of eating right now though, but I'm sure when I do get hungry...soup it is!), and taking an inventory of my freezers. My DH and I have made a resolution to not eat out as much, and to try to spend less at the grocery store to save money. So...I've made a small shopping list of things that we need to get, and once I finish my inventory, I'll update the list.
Do any of you set up meal plans at the beginning of the week? I'd really like to teach myself to do that b/c I know it would get us more in the habit of eating out of what we've got, instead of just eating out.
This got alot longer than I had originally planned.
