Today I struggled to get through the day. I was so fatigued. I think maybe I overkilled on the exercise yesterday because the fibromyalgia definitely flaired up. I think I easily could have stayed home from work and stayed in bed. I got there and got done what I needed to get done though. After work we had our employee recognition dinner. It was ok. I was worried about eating a non JC meal, but it was catered and the portions were small- so it wasn't like a resteraunt meal. I think I probably did ok. I skipped the bread but ate the mashed potatoes and dessert ( small peice of spice cake). When I got home I did the Jenny Craig/GIAM toning ball workout which was wierd because my husband kept walking by and looking at me like I had three heads. He is supportive though and is a good guy, and didn't make fun of me. LOL. There is a lot of stretching in it and now I feel really relaxed. I really liked it.

Last night when I was laying in bed I was thinking about how long my unhealthy obsession with food has been going on. I was thinking about how when I was a kid and one of us kids wasn't home, my mom would save a peice of dessert for us. I would sneak and eat the desserts of the other kids. I never stole anything in my life, so why I would steal their food and eat it in hiding I wil never know. I felt really shameful thinking about it and it happened like, 25 years ago. I know I can make positive food choices now, but I'm not sure how to fix that messed up thinking about food. I look forward to food all day long. I always have. LOL. I guess it is a pleasure of mine. Hmmm. Lots to think about now.

Off to bed.

Okay.. so today was the weigh in for the end of week 3. According to my scale at home, I gained, so I seriously did not want to get weighed. On the JC scale though- I was down 1.2lbs so I was thrilled. This morning I got up and went for a walk right away. It was only for 25 minutes and my eyes kept closing off and on through the first 5 minutes I was so tired, but then when I was done I felt like a rock star. I got weighed and went to work. On my lunch hour I got this GREAT idea that I was going to walk to the bank. One of my co-workeres said "Isn't that kind of far?" I kind of poo-pood them and said I thought it was only a mile. Yeah right. I should know I stink at judging distance. It was 2 miles each way. I was huffing and puffing and it took me like an hour and a half total. I ended up working late and made up the time, but needless to say, I don't feel like a rock star now... I felt like a cow sweating and breathing hard on the street with all of the cars driving by. I felt all of my 285 lbs. Oh well. At least I made it back and didn't collapse on the side of the road. No more walking to the bank for me, at least not for a while :) I get an A for motivation and an F for physical fitness. My mind always thinks it can do things and my body screams 'Heck no! Screw you, lady!!" Maybe someday I can get them to co-exist peacefully. I did get my 10k steps in. Which is pretty good considering I sit on my bootay all day.

My husband has the Beatles on (HELP). Love it! I am going to kick back and relax, and breathe a sign of relief that I don't have to face the scale again for another week. Also, I think I am going to retire mine to the closet. It is on the bathroom floor. Everytime I go in, I weigh myself. I believe I am obsessed and since it sometimes discourages me and is wrong anyways... I am going to TRY to let it go. Maybe out of sight out of mind will work? Because a watched pot never boils? I could get a few cliche's in here.

I was thinking about dressing up as a mosquito for Halloween. Greg is taking Michael, my bonus son, trick or treating, and I am having two friends over to help pass out candy. I thought maybe I would wear some gray sweats, put on some wings, put some fangs in my mouth and WAHLAAAA! I thought it was a good idea until my too smart for his own good 24 year old med student brother pointed out that mosquitos don't have fangs they have sucky tubes or something!!!! WHATEVER! I'll be a VAMPIRE mosquito then. LOL.

Today is Saturday. It is the middle of week 3. So far I have lost 9.2 pounds, but as I was telling Zexxi-- the scale hasn't budged since then. It's been an emotional week. It is now TOM which is sad, because it means that the fertility treatments that Greg and I have been doing, didn't work. On top of that, his car needed expensive repairs.. and since it is 16 years old, we decided to replace it, which depleted our adoption money funds :( I have been weepy all day about it and have been trying really hard to not eat because I am emotional. I went to a birthday party this afternoon. I brought my JC cookie so I could have a treat. it worked out ok. Tonight, I managed to get out and take a walk, and I also went to 4:30 mass to replenish my spiritual self. I just feel sad.

I have some Netflix movies to watch. One of them is the Sex in the City movie which I have been wanting to see, so maybe, once I get dishes done, I will hang out on the couch and watch it.

For as expensive as some of the JC food seems sometimes, I am glad I always have food in the house that is healthy. Otherwise, right now, I would be chowing down on a large pizza :) As of today- I am still POP (perfect on plan)- so hopefully the progress will pick up again.

I am feeling apprehensive about weighing myself since it's getting to be about "that time." I've done well I think- no cheating so far- but I find myself in a place where all of a sudden I've realized that I am surrounded with choices about food. There are temptations everywhere in this house.

Even though it's six PM I am waiting for my JC pizza to be done. I took a long nap which felt fantastic but put me behind in eating for today.

My one last goal for the evening is to get some exercise in before I go to bed. Even if it is simple. Even if it is only for 15 minutes. I need to get rid of this all or nothing stuff.