I'm getting closer and closer to being under 230 again. I can't wait. I just want to be out of these 230s forever! I'm also really close to being an 18. A few weeks ago I went shopping and fit into a size 18 pair of dress pants (which I obviously HAD to buy) and then on Sunday I was wedding dress shopping with my sister and fit into a size 18W bridesmaid's dress. Woohoo! I've been trying my size 18 jeans, but I'm not quite there yet. So in another 10lbs or so I'll definitely be there.

So, Sunday my mother and I went wedding dress shopping with my sister. Both my mother and I are significantly overweight, while my sister is a perfect size 12. Athletic, curvy, gorgeous, perfect... blah! (jk, I love her) Anyways, every single dress she put on fit her perfectly and looked amazing on her (she actually models for the bridal shop for this reason). Well, there was another girl in the store trying on dresses at the same time, who happened to be probably a size 24. Well, the other girl came out of the dressing room in this one dress and my mom pretty much gasped and said "Oh my god. I have goose bumps. That dress is perfect". My sister was pretty upset by this because Mom never had that reaction with any of the dresses she put on. But that's because she could have worn ANY dress and looked amazing. She was gorgeous in everything! I totally understood, but she didn't get it. I mean, when you are a bigger girl, it is sooo hard to find a dress that looks good on you. And when you find one, it can be emotional.

So, Valentine's Day is just a few days away. I know I was ranting before about how I wanted my boyfriend to do something for me, but I've totally changed my outlook on it. I'm sooo excited about it. I'm excited about doing something for him. And I don't even care if he doesn't do anything for me. Ahhhh.. love. I love him, and I know I show him every day, but I just want to do something for him for Valentine's Day. So, since he works nights all weekend I'm going to spend Friday night baking him his favourite cookies. And I'm going to try to find some heart containers or bags or something to put them in. I'm also going to buy some of those Pillsbury sugar cookies that have the hearts in them. Now, hopefully I don't eat too many of the cookies while I'm baking lol.

We decided not to celebrate Valentine's Day on Saturday because he's working, but I think I'll give him his treats that day anyways. We're going away next Tuesday night to another city because of a job interview that he has (amazing opportunity... keep your fingers crossed and/or pray for us!) so we'll do a little more celebrating that night. Maybe go out to a nice dinner and then back to the hotel for some loooooooooovin'. ;)  Maybe that way I can have a few cookies and burn them off lol.

I've been on track the last couple of weeks. It feels good. Good to have control again. I've also been walking to work and that feels good too. It's funny, while I was walking I just got to thinking how walking is really the most efficient transportation. We were made to walk! Why don't I walk more often?! Huh....

I'm lazy. It's true. I can admit it.

But damn, I wish I wasn't.

What I really want, is a Wii. And Rockband. And a Wii Fit. Then I KNOW I wouldn't just sit in bed on my computer at night. I wouldn't just lay around and watch TV. Sure, the eliptical is sitting right there, collecting dust, but I just don't ever have the inspiration to get off my lazy ass and get on it.

I played Rockband at my friend's house for over 4 hours the other night and didn't even realize it. Just standing there strumming on the guitar or banging on the drums, it works you out a bit. More than laying on the couch does anyways. I would be soo much more likely to get some form of activity if I thought it was fun.

I love my boyfriend, I do, but I wish he would do things with me. I wish that when he came over he wasn't so tired and just wanted to sleep all the time. Damn night shifts messing with his body's timing. I'm really going to try to get him to take more walks with me. Or go bowling with me. Just something, anything other than laying in bed sleeping. As much as I love that, I would love for some weight to come off more.

I'm doing a whole lot of wishing right now. And a whole lot of nothing.

Today is my 1 Year Anniversary of sorts. I started my weightloss journey last year on Feb 4th. I was 300lbs. Today I'm 231lbs.

I suppose (almost) 70lbs in a year is something to be proud of. But I'm not proud of myself. Well, I am. I'm proud that I took that step and changed my life, because my life has definitely changed. I'm just not proud of the fact that I haven't really lost any weight since August. I've been up and down the same 10lbs since then, and I'm getting sick of it. I could have lost 100lbs this year if I had wanted to. If I had kept trying. But I stopped trying. As soon as I started getting compliments and feeling better, I just stopped. Ugh.

I am trying again though. I will lose this weight.

Well, happy anniversary to me. Time to celebrate myself and give myself a chance at a new life. Time to get off my lazy ass and DO THIS!!

So, I wanted to have a talk with him last night about Valentine's Day. It's important to me and he should know that. Well, all I said was "So, did you do anything for Valentine's Day last year?" and he said "Don't worry, we'll do something to make you feel special." End of conversation.

I feel better now. I really felt no need to push the subject any further. Who knows what it might be, but he understands that something needs to happen. This is good.

I'm thinking about buying some strawberries and light chocolate jello pudding so we can make our own version of chocolate covered strawberries that won't ruin my diet. (Thanks for the idea CC girls!) That and some candles and something cute to wear and my part is done! lol

So, yesterday was an alright day. Lots of sodium though. I didn't really have anything in the house to cook for dinner, so we decided to order Swiss Chalet. Mmmm... how I love it. So, my calories were still in check (even with apple pie and chocolate icecream for dessert!) but my sodium intake was through the roof. Good thing I drink lots of water!

Today is my Wendy's day. Yay! Oh, the simple pleasures in life. The pleasure that will keep me on track all next week. Is it dinner time yet?! ;)

Hope everyone has a wonderful weekend!

I have a confession. I'm sitting here thinking about tomorrow. About how I'm going to have Wendy's for dinner and love every second of it. I'm salivating. Of course, I'll work it into my calories for the day and still have a deficit so I don't feel like I'm cheating. But I just need this indulgence every once in a while.

Treating myself with fast food at the end of the week for being good all week probably isn't the best thing to do, but it works. If it ain't broken, I ain't fixin' it!

The scale said 230.8 this morning. I'm closer to the 220's than I thought I was going to be. I think I'm going to set a new goal for myself. I'd like to be under 200 by my birthday. That gives me 20 weeks to lose 31lbs. I can do it if I try, that's 1.55lbs per week. Definitely doable.

Ok, warning, this has absolutely nothing to do with weightloss.

Valentine's Day is coming in a couple of weeks, and it's been on my mind. See, I've never been with someone I love before on Valentine's Day. And, for some reason, I just want to celebrate it this year because it's kind of like my first time. I just want to remember it I suppose. The problem is, my boyfriend doesn't like Valentine's Day. He thinks it's too commercial and materialistic. Ok, I definitely agree with that, but is it soooo wrong to want to do something special with him? Is it terrible to want him to do something for me? And if he won't, can't I do something for him?

I don't want to go all girly on him and throw a fit until he shows up with flowers, because that defeats the purpose. He's supposed to think of something nice on his own, isn't he? Bah.

Stupid cupid.

I have been peeing like crazy today. I'm hoping that means my weight will go down again. I haven't been drinking any more water than usual though. However, TOM came to visit today, so maybe that has something to do with it.

I feel hungry, I think. I just want to snack. I don't know if I actually feel hungry, or if I just feel 'yucky' from TOM.

I'm still trying to get used to TOM. He never used to visit very often. Before I started losing weight I'd only get my period a few times per year, and only for a couple of days. I didn't ever get cramps or feel nauseous. Now, it comes every month. Generally for 3-5 days, luckily not heavily, but I tend to feel 'yucky'. Maybe that's what light cramps feel like? I don't know. But I feel like eating would make me feel better. Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining at ALL, since I know how things could be (my mom gets her period for at least a week and it's excessively heavy most of the time)... I'm just trying to get used to it. It's different for me. I think it's a good thing though. Maybe it means I have hope some day of getting pregnant.  :)

I was right on track all day again yesterday. Oatmeal for breakfast, SmartOnes meal & a yogurt for lunch, broccoli, cauliflower & cheese sauce, chicken fingers and fries for dinner, and frozen yogurt for a snack. 1800 calories in total. It might actually have been less... I tend to overestimate things like fries (count for 2 full servings even if I've probably only had about 1.5) and chicken fingers (counted for 5 even though I had 4). I'd rather overestimate than underestimate.

Well, so far, being back on track is going well. I've lost about 4 of the 10lbs that I put on. I'm sure most of it is water weight, but that's ok. It still needed to go. I just can't wait to get under 230 again.

Oatmeal and I are friends again. We spend some quality time together every morning. Hopefully it will help me through this.

I heard that oatmeal was good for cholesterol. When I went for my physical last June my doctor informed me that I had high cholesterol. Interesting.. I lost over 60lbs and suddenly got high cholesterol? Great. So, he told me to work on my diet and come back to get it checked out again. I think I resented that a bit, because hello, obviously I had been working on my diet! Ugh. I still haven't gone back, because my diet has been seriously lacking the last 6 months. I want to get it under control and then hopefully go back in April to get it checked out. I really don't want to have to be on another medication for the rest of my life. Oatmeal, help me out here if you can!

So, yesterday was oatmeal for breakfast, Stouffer's Meat Lasagna and a Silhouette 0+ yogurt for lunch, an apple with peanut butter for snack, and then a chicken burger with broccoli & cauliflower with cheese sauce for dinner, and frozen yogurt for dessert. Put me at 1850 calories for the day. It always amazes me how much I can actually eat for under 2000 calories, when you are eating the right things. Ok, so not all of those things were the 'right' things, but better than Taco Bell, that's for sure.

Wow. I don't even know where to begin.

It's been a while.

I spent most of December and January slacking off. I told myself it was ok to take a break during the holidays. It was more than that though.

I didn't realize just how much stress I was under. And I didn't realize just how much stress affected my diet.

Apparently, it turns out, that I am an emotional eater. Hunh?!

I'm fairly certain that the source of my emotional stress will be gone by the summer. That's still months away though. And as soon as that is gone, the financial stress will get about a million times worse.

I'll just keep my fingers crossed that I'll win the lottery this week.

So, back to my routine. Oatmeal for breakfast, Weight Watchers SmartOnes meal for lunch, and a balanced dinner.

I gained almost 10lbs in the last month or so. I can't believe I let myself do that. The worst part was seeing people who I hadn't seen in a while and hearing them tell me how great I look, and all I could think about was how I'd been failing recently.

And then, the shit hit the fan.

I had planned to get completely back on track last Monday. I had been working out of town for a while and figured it was the perfect time to get back into a routine now that I was back in my home office. I was really excited about it.
And then I got to work and there were 2 boxes of chocolates waiting on my desk for me from Christmas. Not good. I don't even really like chocolate, but they were there. And I caved. I ate at least 8 before I took them out of my office and put them on the reception desk for everyone else to eat. Out of sight, out of mind.

When I got home that night, I told my boyfriend about how I had eaten some chocolates but was otherwise on track and he just made a comment like "oh, but I thought you were going to start again today?" Wtf. I did. So I had a few chocolates. At least I ate right the rest of the day! Ugh. But that wasn't the end of it. The comments just kept coming. He brought it up at least 5 times that night and finally I just broke. Every time he said something all I heard was "I don't like you the way you are. I'm not attracted to you. I want you to lose weight." It was a rough night.

Eventually we talked it out though, and I think things are ok now. He just wants to be a part of it somehow. He wants to help me. The problem is, I don't want him to help me. I want to do this on my own. And I want to do it for me, and only me. And I don't want him to want me to do it. As weird as that may sound. I want him to just like me the way I am now. Yes, I want to change, but I don't want to know that he wants me to. Ugh. It's too much to think about.

Basically I told him that he can't make certain comments to me and that if he wants to be a part of it, maybe he can help me in other ways. Maybe he can reward me when I reach goals. Like take me out to a movie after I've lost 10lbs. Or something like that. Anything but commenting on what I'm eating or what I should be eating. That's just going to have the opposite effect.

The rest of last week went well. Had my oatmeal for breakfast every day, and my SmartOnes for lunches. Dinners were all under control. No bad snacking. Lost over 2 of the 10lbs that I gained. I'm sure most of that was water weight, but I still feel like I'm back on the right track.

I am so incredibly ashamed of myself. I can feel so many bad habits creeping up inside me and I don't know where they are coming from.

Yesterday was just horrible. I overate at the work lunch. Then continued with cookies and chocolates. But that wasn't the bad part. Last night I went to a Chinese buffet. Usually I can control myself, but not last night for some reason. I wasn't even hungry. I was still full from lunch and all the treats I had during the afternoon, but I stuffed my face anyways. I ate so much. It felt so disgusting. And as I was eating it, I knew I shouldn't, and I kept telling myself to just stop, and I didn't.

Then I went home and threw it all up. I swore I wouldn't let myself do that again, but I did anyways. It's not something that's a habit, but it's not something that I want to become a habit. I can't binge and then tell myself it's ok because I purged it. No. Binging is bad whether I get rid of it after or not.

No, I do not have an ED. Don't worry anyone. This is only the second time I have ever done this. Once was last summer and that was because I think I had food poisoning. I literally felt like I was being stabbed inside. It was the first time I ever forced myself to vomit, and I felt so much better after. Throwing up is not something I like to do. It's my least favourite thing ever to be honest. It feels disgusting and awful.

So last night when I got home and felt bloated and uncomfortable, which was completely my fault, I thought about throwing up. I got mad at myself for thinking about it because it was of my own doing. It had been my choice to stuff myself that full of shitty food that I didn't even need or want. But then I just did it. Somehow I rationalized it to myself and just did it. I felt better after, but only physically. I still don't know why I did it.

I don't know. I just want to be accountable for it. I do NOT want it to happen again. I won't let myself binge like that again.

Already today though, I'm scaring myself again. For lunch I went home and had 2 tuna sandwhiches and 2 chocolate chip cookies for lunch. I'm at 1500 calories already today and it's only 2:30pm. Not good. I need to control my eating again. The scary thing is, I've been so in control for so long, I don't know where these sudden lapses in judgment are coming from. I'm just scared. I hope I can get this under control again. I guess this happens to us all. Weight loss is such a struggle. So many things to overcome. Just have to believe we have the strength to keep going.