So I really dislike foodies (or gourmands, gourmets, epicures, etc.). You know, the ones who go on and on about their Peruvian yak milk mozzarella or whatever. I just don't think it's a health-promoting thing in any way and yet so many people are inspired and impressed by it. Now when it comes to produce, I say go for it. I get excited by exotic or fresh, local produce. I think that's a healthy interest to have.
Unfortunately there seem to be very few who understand my dislike for these types. And maybe it's because I'm just not a very good explainer. I'm no good at forming arguments. But I know that when I hear a foodie talk, I get the same feeling as when I hear a low-carber talk about the wonders of that diet. It's an anxious feeling, a sad feeling, an angry feeling. It's like its own type of diet and it has its own reasons for being healthy - such as 100 years ago it would have been eaten. Now don't get me wrong. I think eating organic yak's cheese is WAY better than Velveeta. But it's still in no way good for you.
I posted a request on a Portland-based networking website. In it I mentioned that I was vegan for health reasons. One of the replies I got was a girl saying that she had never heard of someone being vegan for health reasons, that usually it was an ethical decision. She said that she had been vegan but had to stop because she became allergic to soy or something.
Oh boy, where to start. Again, I'm no good at forming arguments. I explained that I don't eat a typical vegan diet and that I was surprised that she had never heard of it for health reasons, as even the ethical junk food vegans tend to tell people about the positive effects of their diets, what with more frequent bowel movements, etc.
She replied, saying again something about how most vegans were junk food vegans. Then she said she got all the same nutrients as me, except she chose to get her protein from meat and cheese. Hmm. I wonder if she's actually analyzed her statement. I think not.
I'm totally riled up by this and I know I shouldn't be. But being flat out lectured is different from seeing someone eating a diet that you know is horrible for them. That person has power against you, especially when "you" are a person like me - unable to make much of a convincing argument about anything.
It occurred to me that I just don't like fruit that much. I mean, as a main part of my diet. Don't get me wrong - in the summer I'll eat cherries and only cherries for days when they come out and I love mangoes and pineapple and... But as a part of my daily menu, specifically using fruit as breakfast just doesn't work for me. In trying to follow The Plan and to lose weight, I've been trying to get in the 4-7 fruits per day and only allowing myself one cup of beans. Now, aside from the gas-from-beans issue which I'm trying to work out, I would be much happier and fuller if I ate two cups of beans per day and one or two fruits rather than the 4-7 fruits and one cup. And I'll still be getting the same number of calories - approximately 250 calories for a cup of beans or 3 pieces of fruit. If I let myself eat whatever I want, within ETL guidelines, I go for the beans and stews first, rather than the fruit. The only time I want fruit is after a meal, when a banana or a small bowl of cherry ice cream sounds good.
That's my new plan! Hopefully the gas issue works itself out though.
Well it took quite a while to convince me that skinny jeans were a good idea but the hype finally got to me. I bought a pair of size 10 (Old Navy though. Don't get all crazy now!) skinny jeans a couple of months ago. I could pull them on but they didn't fit through the thighs and I could button them but there was some SERIOUS muffin top action. Well I pulled them on today and YES! They fit and no muffin top effect and my butt isn't so big that when I sit down, the jeans show everything! Now I'm definitely not skinny but I'm pretty sure I'm pulling off that "cute and chubby" look which I ain't complaining about. Anything "cute" is good to me, as long as it's on its way to something more slender.
Well, I've been having some successes and some failures. My main limiter is currently money. I spent a lot in my move to my new house and so to make up for it for January, I dipped into my buffer which put me behind for February. I'm trying to stick it out and keep from carrying this over into March which is meaning that I'm not able to eat as well as I like. However, that isn't an excuse for some of the stuff I've been putting in my mouth. I've had a lot of ETL-ish days but then several non-ETL days as well. Today I ate just a bowl of ETL-friendly lentil soup for breakfast. Then I had school until 7 pm. I had planned a big food shopping trip for after school and I gave in to some heath food store junk. Not too bad but I should have bought fruit instead.
I seem to have this idea, when I'm about to binge, that it will take the stress away. School has been so stressful lately, I have to go in early tomorrow morning, I'm just stressed stressed stressed. And sure, the Rice Dream bar calms my nerves for a few minutes. But then it makes me depressed. No longer am I just stressed about the amount of work I have to do and the fact that I have to see a tutor about math but now I don't even want to go to the tutor because I just know they're disgusted when they see me because I'm so darn fat. It's the most horrible feeling.
Then, as always, I give myself deadlines. Sometimes these are kind of real, like the trip to Hawaii. Sure, it didn't really matter if I was fat or thin for that but there was a tangible event that was going to happen that I wanted to be thin for. Now, I've got nothing. Well, except for my birthday. I don't even care if I'm fat for my 20th though. I just don't want to be dealing with this binging thing anymore. Or, I should say, I want to be dealing with it and managing it and accepting it for what it is but telling it NO! I feel like I'm letting my boyfriend down when I don't lose the weight. I am only in the sense that I let myself be sad when I binge and he has to be around that. He's been with me for this long at this size. If he decides he doesn't want me anymore because of what I look like, that's his problem.
I really need to sleep. I have to go to school really early tomorrow, I have to take 5,000 pounds of computers and books, and it's just not going to be much fun.
I just bought $100 worth of vitamins from Dr. Fuhrman. I feel like I'm really going for it now. I also got the first DVD. That should be a good motivator.
So I completed two weeks of completely whole foods, no oil, no refined anything except soymilk, tofu and salt. I still didn't feel great but I wasn't eating the complete crap. On Monday I started ETL again, the six week plan. I'm having such good luck with food so far. I'm just loving it! I've been having cherry vanilla "ice cream" for breakfast, a big stir fry with "Greens With Envy" from Trader Joe's and a cup of brown rice for lunch and a big salad with another bowl of ice cream for dinner. Yum!
Today I'm going to add some things to the stir fry, as per the suggestions of some people on the board. I'll use one bag of the Greens With Envy, which is about 10 oz. frozen green vegetables (spinach, green beans, asparagus, broccoli) and six ounces (one cup volume wise) of edamame. Then I'll add three ounces of extra spinach and three of extra broccoli to balance it out. My special ingredients will be water chestnuts, bamboo shoots and a bit of sesame oil. Can't wait!
And the scale is moving! I can't say "finally" because it's not like I was really trying before but I'm trying now and the scale is showing it! So there you go, I've lost my first nine pounds on ETL.
I just wanted to say that I didn't binge! I grazed and ended up overeating a bit but I did not binge! I never had the, "better eat it now because tomorrow everything changes" feeling. I feel really good about that.
I know that part of the therapy for overeating disorder is planning out exactly what you'll eat the next day and not eating a bite more or less. I'll adapt it for me and say I'm not going to eat more than this. I'd certainly eat less if I wasn't hungry.
Breakfast: At least 1/2 hour after waking, smoothie with: 1 banana 1 cup mixed frozen berries 2 dates 1/2 cup water 1 oz. sesame seeds 1 kale leaf 1 tbsp ground flax (blended into a small cup of the smoothie and consumed quickly. A lot of people blend it into their smoothies but then it thickens up and blech.)
Lunch: Noon or later, salad with: 1 head romaine 2 chopped tomatoes 1 serving Caesar dressing and 2 pieces Ezekial toast with hummus
Dinner: 5 pm or later, steamed veggies including: Kale Broccoli Green Beans Brussels Sprouts with 1 serving cashew cream sauce
Dessert: At least 3 hours before sleep, Nicole's Pumpkin Pie Smoothie with: 2 dates 1/2 cup soy milk 1/2 cup canned pumpkin 1/2 banana Cinnamon Nutmeg Vanilla extract Ice
That's a whole lot of food but I think it's good to have a realistic plan set out.
Why do I always try to go so far in such a short amount of time? I had decided that I'd make it through the six weeks without salt, without nuts, without beans. Yep, just a couple of pieces of fruit and vegetables and I'd be fine.
The thing is, I haven't gone more than four days without binging in four or five years. Sure, I've been on diets. I tried raw and would last two days perfectly and then I'd be stuffing myself with nuts and dried fruit. Same with ETL. I'd last a few days and then it was to the nuts or the beans or the "ice cream".
I haven't binged in almost six days. That is HUGE! Sure, I did put some salt on some beans I was having, deciding that that would make everything easier but quickly realizing it wouldn't. I had a whole evening ahead of me after that though. Usually that would have been it for the day. I messed up a bit so bring on the French fries! I didn't though. I haven't done that yet.
I let myself get too hungry today. I caught myself before I went to the store to buy tubs of nuts and took a long walk to the movie theater. There wasn't anything that I wanted to see there so I took the MAX to the mall to another theater. Unfortunately this theater was right in the back of the food court. I came SO close to a huge slice of greasy pizza or chow mein or something horrible for me. I saved myself though. I got back on the train and went to Whole Foods.
When I say "Six Week Challenge", I realize I really need to be saying "Six Week No-Binge Challenge". How about a "Six Week No-Binge ETL Challenge". That sounds really good. So, I've changed some things around:
I cannot limit nuts like I did. I'm not going to tackle salt completely at this point. I'm not going to limit grains like I did. Same with beans.
However, this can't be a "Dr. Fuhrman says nuts are a healthy part of a diet so that's all I'm going to eat" kind of thing.
While I won't limit nuts like I did, I will limit them to two to three ounces per day. One ounce of seeds in my morning smoothie, which will also include a couple of dates to make it very palatable. One ounce of nuts for my salad dressing. Possibly an additional ounce for a soup or something.
While I'm not going to completely eliminate salt yet, this isn't an invitation for salting my foods or using salted broth or buying salted beans when unsalted ones are on the same shelf. I will accept a small amount of salt for now because to keep from binging I need heavier SAD-like foods. For example today I wanted burritos so I bought Ezekiel sprouted tortillas, which have 140 mg of sodium. They do fall within the 1mg/calorie guideline though so I feel OK about them.
Grains will be kept to a minimum but probably more than 1 per day. Probably more like 2 or 3, again.
And beans I'm not going to limit but I won't overeat on them either.
So, my goal is three filling meals per day that is all ETL food (plus a little soymilk and salt).
I get so silly in my goals. I think, "If I could drop 30 pounds in six weeks, my boyfriend would be so happy." And he probably would be happy that I was dealing with my eating issues. But how good would it be if I did drop those 30 pounds and then was so burnt out on eating so little that I crashed and gained 10 back? No, I need to do this slowly and close to, if not completely within, my comfort zone.
I gave in and weighed myself today. I was planning to wait until the seven day mark but I made if five. I'm really happy with the results. It shows only a .4 pound loss over an entire month but in that month, I ate lots of bad stuff and know I weighed over 290 when I started on Monday. I just didn't want to weigh myself though. So I'm feeling good. Five in five. A nice start.
