Off to work I Go

Today I have to work!    Almost back to school time...I will miss being in charge of my own schedule (I work at home in the summers) and back to punching the time clock.  This morning our district is converting to a new software program - and I anticipate a lot of glitches!  So I have to work on that today, and then Thursday & Friday do some data clean-up.  Ugh.  Then I plan on taking next week off, hopefully, and then I am back full-time the following week.  Summer goes by so fast...

Probably won't get to Curves today since I don't know how long the scheduling will take today, so plan on going for a walk later with the dog.  It looks to be a beautiful day here!  I was very bad yesterday - had a birthday coupon to use at a restaurant and so I took my youngest out for lunch after he helped me with a job.  Had a Monte Cristo sandwich...not a good choice.  So I better take a LONG walk!

Weight loss eludes me

Hello - today it's gray and raining a bit, which is great for my crispy fried grass, but it doesn't do much for my mood!   Just got back from Curves.  I've been trying to go about 4 times a week - last week I didn't make that though.  It's a little discouraging since it seems like I've gained a couple pounds - which is probably muscle but it's not where I want to go.  They did warn me about that at first, but it really sucks!!  I guess I have to be stricter on the diet.  I was trying to just make healthy choices (more veggies & fruits - no simple carbs, etc) and to get in an exercise routine before really working on watching my diet, but if I gain weight it just makes me more cranky and irritable and feeling gross - and then I'll lose focus and eat whatever I want.  Ugh.  

Wonder if it could be the medication?  I feel really tired on the dang beta blocker still.  I can't stand having to take it!!!!!!    I made an agreement w/the Dr. to step up the activity for a couple months to see how my heart rate is, and then if I still felt tired and lethargic they would consider lowering the dose if the heart rate was ok and see if a lower dose would help.  They can't even see what's going on usually because the ICD doesn't record or watch anything under 120 beats/min and I have a hard time getting my rate up to that even when exercising on the beta blocker.  Of course then my heart  does race once in a while all on its own - like when I'm sleeping!!  Not very helpful.  Has anyone else has issues with a beta blocker??

My thyroid is supposedly normal now.  It took about 2 years to get back to normal and now my labs are good.  But if I take my morning temp for a week like you can to check it youself, it is always low which is supposed to indicate a low thyroid function.  And the weight sure didn't fall off after it went back to normal!  Don't know what happened with that.   I just started some bio-identical hormones to help with some female issues last week - an estrogen patch and progsterone capsules.  Wonder what effect that will have on my weight.  I never did well on BC when younger, so I'm hoping the bio-identical will be better.  Just trying to avoid a hysterectomy for now - I'm sort of sick of Dr's and don't want to add that to my plate right now.   

I went to a nutritionist/dietician last year and they work with people on treating conditions with nutrition and supplements if needed.  They advocate staying away from processed foods, chemicals, trans fats, simple carbs - etc, and to eat more natural foods with increased protein, veggies and "good fats" at each meal.  I agree with that in theory, but they say that cream and butter are good for you - as well as the olive oil, avocadoes, nut oil that you hear about being heart healthy.  I have a really hard time thinking that way, because "low-fat" everything has been drilled into my head.  Plus if I'm eating healthy most of the time - why am I not skinny???!!!  The egg casserole recipe I have from them has organic eggs and a bag of spinach - which are good...but also 2 CUPS of cream, hashbrowns, a little sausage and cheese.  I feel totally guilty eating that, even in small portions.  I can't believe that it would be good for you.  I think I have to try and focus on more veggies and lean protein.  I know you can't really gain weight eating that!     

Checking in

I am not  doing so well in the weight loss department.  It's been busy, so I haven't walked for a while - plus it's been hot and humid outside- ugh!  I have been going to Curves three times a week since my vacation though.  I have to admit I'm not really on a strict diet yet.  I thought I'd get into the exercise habit first and then add that, but I am pretty careful about treats or simple carbs.  Once school starts, I'll have a more regular schedule and I hope that helps!  I tried to get to Curves on Monday and Tuesday this week, and things kept coming up with the kids or the business - but I did make it today after I worked for 3 hrs.   I have to work tomorrow morning again and all day on Friday for training.  YUCK  Seems like summer is running out...

Vacation

Well, I'm back from vacation and need to get at it!  Went to visit my mom for a week at her lake home and didn't think much about dieting.  My two boys even managed to get along for a few days together and without a computer...amazing!  Was a nice break, but now I have to focus again.

Haven't lost weight yet.  Joined Curves so today will be my 4th visit.  I am hoping that walking some days and going to Curves will help.  I should also do some weights and stretching at home, but I get so distracted here.  That's why I joined something - because if I can just get there I have no problem doing the workout.  It's just getting there!

Motivation

I seem to be running low on motivation this week - not quite sure why.  Maybe it was the long weekend.  I did walk for about 45 minutes with hubby last night, so that is good.  Not at fast speed, but at least I did it!  I've kicked around the idea of joining a Curves nearby, since that would help with the muscle toning and I could watch the cardio level when I need to.  We'll see- I think I will stop in tomorrow and check it out.  It may be easier to actually do the exercise once I am there, and it's only for 1/2 hr.  I can do that!  At home I always get distracted with the interruptions, and chores, and then it's hot out, and then in the evening the mosquitoes come out - etc, etc.  .

Summer is harder in some ways for me, even though my schedule is more relaxed.  I work at a school as a secretary, so I'm off for about 8 weeks in the summer which I love.  However, my husband and I also have a construction & flooring business, so guess who gets to catch up on the paperwork, website stuff, organizing, bookeeping -etc?  Me, that's who, and that's in addition to the regular house/kid stuff.  I seem to have trouble staying focused and getting things done because I get interrupted all the time.  But I guess discipline is hard for me all together - or else I'd be skinny, right?  Then when school starts again, I realize that the projects I wanted to get done (like repainting a room or something), never got done again!! 

Last year I never even took a day or two to go shopping like I wanted to, before school started again.   But of course, that could also be because I get really discouraged shopping for clothes, because nothing looks right or fits well.  I really don't know how to dress at this weight, and I don't want to buy much because I just want to be skinny again!  The weight seems to settle right in my stomach area now.  So I end up with just T-shirts and jeans, capris or slacks all the time.  Very boring.  My husband also hates the way I dress now.  He'd like me to be a little flashier or dressier sometimes, and he used to shop for me all the time when we were first married.  Now he doesn't know what I weigh or what size I am anymore, and I wouldn't want to fill him in!  And I think he's afraid to try, because I am touchy about my weight.  I wouldn't want him to try because I know he'd buy something too small.  I know that he loves me, but I also know that he prefers women in decent shape, so then I get so cranky and defensive about that and I  blame it on all the health issues, etc.  And perhaps some of it is, but not all of it.  The hard part is figuring out what the real reason is that I can't keep on track.  Any ideas on how to do that?

My sister is doing very well now.  Thinking about her complications creeps me out a bit, though, since I will have to have my ICD and lead changed out at some point in the next few years, whenever the battery life runs low.  (I have that recalled Sprint Fidelis lead, so even though it's okay now, they will want to change that also).  My sister's lead didn't attach well to the heart wall and then ended up puncturing through her heart, causing all the complications.  Luckily it all worked out fine, but it didn't look very fun to me!  My heart issue is stable now - the beta blocker seems to keep the heart rate nice and low which is good.  Still don't like the side effects - but oh well!  At lease it's doing what it should and I can avoid getting shocked again.    I would like to find out for sure if the ehart problems is "ARVD" or not, since if it is my kids also run a 50% chance of having it and I would want to get them screened and then follow up on that yearly.  I'm hoping for more information once my doctor and my sister's doctor compare notes.  But all is stable now! 

Well - off to get some paperwork done.  I will work on the motivation and figuring out the "head issues" too.  I will find some photos too - I don't have much current but I do have some at the weight I want to be! 

Back again

I am finally checking in here again.  My sister had a defibrillator implanted a couple weeks ago also, due to our family history.  She ended up back in the hospital last week with some pretty serious complications, but all had turned out well.  She didn't need the open heart surgery that they thought she may have to have, so that's good! 

I am working on figuring out what my triggers are.  I know that I tend to mindlessly scarf things down when I'm feeling stressed and tired and frustrated.  So I need to stop and think at those times, and to find something else to do.  This needs to be more of a "life change" in making healthier choices.  I had lost a few pounds doing a low carb diet just before my heart even, but of course since then those pounds returned since I was feeling pretty depressed with the diagnosis.  Now the Dr's can't even agree whether it's actually "ARVD" (which is the heart condition) or not - but regardless, I need to live a healthier life.  I've never been a fan of strenous exercise anyway, and I can just work on walking as much as I can.  Last night I walked 20 minutes.  I tried to see how my heart rate would be with the heart medications, and I couldn't even get it to 120 because of the beta blocker but I felt like I was almost jogging - very weird!  I hate the shortness of breath, but I think it will get better hopefully.  I've heard that your body adjusts over time.  Walked 20 minutes again this morning, and that was a little better.  My dog is sure happy with the walks too!

First day begins

Today is the day I begin my journey, to feel and look more like myself again.  I first gained weight during my pregnancies and had trouble losing it  when they were young - up and down, down and up.  Then after fourteen years of marriage - messy, long divorce, but the bonus was I lost all that weight.  I think it was a "stress" diet, but I was thrilled with getting myself back.  I've always looked young for my age, and I felt like a sexy, young woman again.

Got remarried to a wonderful guy and moved.  Then...as I approached age 39, it seems as if my body and up till now - good health rebelled.  During a time of some serious family stress with my oldest son, I developed thyroiditis.   First I was hyperthyroid - metabolism in overdrive for a couple months.  Then I went the other direction, and was severely hypothroid for the next year...tired, depressed, lethargic.  Gained 20 pounds eating the same as always.  I felt horrible.  But the Dr. said it would balance out eventually, which it did.  But the weight didn't go away, and it seemed as if my metabolism never bounced back.  Ugh!  About this time, I also developed heart arrythmia problems, which I thought could be related to the thyroid issue...or could be a family history on my dad's side, of heart problems.  Went through a year of testing, worrying about what it was, and finally decided to have an ICD implanted (defibrillator).  After having it for a couple weeks, it recorded what kind of arrythmia I had and then I got an ablation to correct that.  Dr. said less than 5% chance of that problem returning. 

But as I recouperated that summer from the surgeries, more things kept going wrong!  I had to have a basal cell cancer removed from my leg and then I had a breast cyst that had to be checked out.  Female issues along the way as well - hysterectomy recommended but I haven't gone that route yet.  After a time of weight creeping on and creeping on, I decided to start a walking program during my lunch breaks at work to get back in shape.  Then I suddenly developed planta faciitis on one foot.  That drove my crazy!  I tried drug store inserts and one from the Dr.'s office.  Tried ultrasound of the foot from the chiropractor.  Then I went to the "Good Feet Store" and tried their inserts.  No improvement - just very expensive.  Finally saw a podiatrist and got orthotics made.  Whoopee - after a few months of wearing them, my foot improved a lot!  I could walk again!  No more sexy shoes though.  They only fit into tennis shoes or grandma type loafer shoes.  Now, after over a year of wearing them, I can wear regular shoes sometimes, which is good!

Anyway, I thought what happened to me??  How did I get this way?  Why has it been one thing after another??   Poor me - out of shape, overweight, feeling as if age was moving along double time.  Didn't feel young, didn't feel sexy.  I was having a big pity party.

Then on April 20th this year, my defibrillator shocked me multiple times as I was getting out of the shower.    That was "shocking" to say the least!! After a few days in the hospital, I found out I have a rare genetic heart problem that causes arrythmia issues.  I am now taking medication which makes me short of breath with pretty moderate exertion and it also makes me feel tired.  I can't do any strenous cardio or it can exacerbate the heart condition and it makes my heart rhythym go wacky.  I am thinking - what is the deal!!  How can I lose weight now?  What if my heart gets worse??  Why do I have to take this medication forever, which makes me feel like I'm 80 already?  I have to have my kids tested - what if one of them has this condition too??  Poor me - caught up in the negative thinking and worry.

So...here I am now.  I have decided to change my thinking to be more positive and grateful for what I have, and to get as healthy as I can.  It may take me a while, since I can't do much more than moderate walking, light weights and maybe yoga/pilates type of exercise.  I want to lose 25-30 pounds and I want to feel and to look better.  I want to improve my diet in a healthy way.  I want to enjoy shopping again, and I want to feel my age again.  I am almost 44...I have a lot of years left to enjoy.  I want to feel sexy, and I want to have fun.  Enough being sick, enough worrying about everything, enough wallowing and being depressed.  There are plenty of people who have bigger problems than me!  I thought this would make me more accountable.  I would appreciate any and all encouragement along the way, and I hope to find new friends that will give me great advice and support.