Round Two, Day One

Well, here we are again.

My first foray into food and management wasn't a resounding success!  Although, to be fair, I always knew that the wedding and honeymoon would completely revolve around food & drink, and that I wasn't going to hold back.

What it has shown me is that my food issues are nowhere near being resolved.  The road is going to be a long one.

So, today I start the foodpacks properly again.  Hopefully a month or so will get rid of the excess I've gained since getting married.

Then I'll have another go at management, without holidays interfereing, and do it properly.

I didn't enjoy the first week of LL last time around - terrible headaches and generally felt rotten.  Hope this is better.  If not, at least I know what to expect!

Bring it on ......

LL Management, Day Seven

I was supposed to have weigh-in and class tonight, but I've skipped it.  Not feeling at all well, have struggled with a sicky headache all day.

The antibiotics I'm taking make me feel really queasy.  The only thing that stops it is food, so I'm taking full advantage!!

Had a bad weekend, foodwise.  Went out for dinner, had cheese, pastry, chips, booze, chocolate.  You name it.

Am also hormonal, which is really not helping.  And stressed - only 3 weeks and 2 days until the wedding. 

All in all, not the best of weeks.  Am almost a bit relieved I've not been weighed as it gives me another week to repair the damage.  Having said that, seeing a bad result might have been the kick in the arse I seem to need.

LL Management, Day Five

Do you know, I'm not entirely sure I'm enjoying this! 

Am not liking having to make choices and I'm finding it very hard not to eat things which aren't on the allowed list yet.  Chocolate, for one!  I seem to be having a constant battle with myself, and it's exhausting!

One the upside, had wedding dress fitting yesterday, and I'm comfortably in it.  I remember when I first tried it on in March, I had to wriggle it over my hips and wedge my bottom in.  Now it glides on comfortably.

But, I could see myself from all angles and my upper arms are very saggy and wobbly. I think they looked better when I was fatter!!

LL Management, Day Two

so, went for my management intro session on Tuesday night.  LLC had a good chat with me, and showed me what's what.  I read through the book, looking at what foods I'm allowed, and when.  The interesting stuff seems to take a long time to come around!

Yesterday was my first day.  Had a tub of cottage cheese for lunch.  Not terribly exciting, but I still felt anxious about being allowed to eat.  It was different when I was rebelling and breaking the rules :-)

I ate it and was disappointed that I didn't feel full afterwards - could easily have had double the amount.  I guess my off-switch is still not working properly.  A little while after eating, I felt quite uncomfortable.  Got a very bloated stomach.

Still, one good thing:  The antibiotics I have to take usually make me feel sick and nauseous.  The cheese really helped that.

Had to fight my old demons again on the way home.  Almost bought chocolate.  I think maybe because I know it's not 'allowed' until week 12, and I'm rebelling again.  Rebelling against what? My eating chocolate will have no impact on anyone other than me!

Now Day Two is here and I have more cottage cheese to look forard to.  Yippee.  Feel hungry now, debating whether or not I want it for breakfast or can hang on until lunch. 

I had told my LLC that I wanted to do an abridged version of the 12 week programme as I get married in 4 weeks and want to be eating normally for that and the honeymoon.  He wasn't especially keen.

But, being vegetarian, when eating out the options are mostly carb-based, rice and pasta are everywhere.  The 12 week plan introduces them way down the line (not sure how many egg white omlettes with cottage cheese I'll be able to face!).  I don't want the same reaction I had last night so I'm going ahead with my abridged version anyway.

Instead of each week being 7 days, mine will only have 4, before I move onto the next week, and introduce new foods.  Will try rice etc a good week or more before the wedding, so I can test my reaction to it.

LL Day 126

I've not written anything for a week, but I think I was a bit afraid of the 'confessional'.  Completely fell off the LL wagon and ate several times over the week.   Not proper food either, but more of the junk variety - brownies at work with my name on!!

Was fully expecting to have put on weight at class last night, but to my surprise I've lost 4lbs.  Takes me to exactly 11 stone, and means I've finally broken the 4 stone lost barrier.

Told my LLC that I want to start management now.  It was always my intention to do it a month before the wedding, and I am at the initial goal weight I set myself.  Also, being 'allowed' food, might stop me eating 'foribidden' stuff.  Have no idea why I'm in such a head-fuck, self-sabotaging place, but I'm here and have to deal with it.

The only management class he runs at the moment is on Saturday afternoons.  What with so much weddingy stuff to do, I can't commit to weekends.  So, am going to have one-to-one sessions for a while.  Unfortunately, the only time he has free is 9.30 on a Tuesday evening.  It will be past bedtime when I get home from it!

Have first session this evening.  No hanging about!!  I feel a bit aprehensive.  Am worried that being allowed to eat again, will give me the excuse to go beserk and stuff my face. 

Will see how I do ..... 

LL Day 119 - back on the wagon?

Nope!

Monday came - new day, new dawn, new life for me, as the song goes.

My resolve lasted until about 10.30 .... We have a tradition in the office (one which I ignore) that on your birthday, you bring in cakes.  One girl who was celebrating, brought in lots of cakes from a fab French patisserie, Paul.  I had every intention of ignoring the goodies (I work on a different floor so it's usually easy) but, bless her heart, I didn't go to the cakes, so she brought them to me!  A gorgeous slice of chocolate mousse cake.

Seemed churlish to bin it.  Plan was to just have a mouthful to taste.  Anyone who knows me, knows that really isn't an option.  Once I start, there's no stopping til it's gone.  So, I shovelled in the lot.  Small in quantity, big in calorie!

To compensate, I only had two foodpacks.  Not really a sensible way of doing things, but I had weigh-in.

Ah yes, weigh-in.  Am at almost 4 months now.  I had *really* wanted to get to the 4st barrier, which would have meant a loss of 5lbs.  Usually doable, but given that for two consecutive weekends I've fallen off the wagon in a major way, a little unrealistic.

Now, I knew it was unrealistic.  Didn't stop me being really disappointed when the scales showed only a 3lb loss though.

Still, it has made me more resolved than ever.  Have no social engagements this weekend so I ought to be able to stay on plan.  We have the caterers in the office today, I just need to steer clear of the lovely food.

Pub quiz night this evening.  Two of the other girls in my team are also LLers so it shouldn't be too hard to stay on the straight & narrow.

LL Dy 117 - confessional ...

.... So, here comes weekly confession.  This is sgetting to be a habit, and not a good one.

I first fell off the LL wagon on day 84 or so, and have struggled ever since.

Last weekend we were in Switzerland, have now just got back from Portugal.  What a glamorous life, eh?!    :-)

I'd done ok all week, although felt hungry all the time.  On Friday I put the LL packs in the suitcase, with every intention of staying abstinant.

Got to Heathrow and it all went wrong.  The BA lounge had food everywhere!  I started off saying I wasn't having any but Andrew tucked into the sandwiches and wine - and why not - but my resolve weakened pretty quickly and I tucked in too.

Felt pretty ill shortly afterwards, not to mention guilty.  Flight was delayed and it was 10.30 by the time we got to Lisbon.  Was pretty much straight to bed so I couldn't be tempted again.  Although I did try the chocolate the hotel had left out!

Stuck to packs on Saturday.  Had a shake whilst everyone else tucking into lunch and felt quite pleased with myself.  Even went out to dinner at a restaurant which had absolutely no veggie food on the menu so I was fine having another shake as everyone ate.

Then it all got the better of me.  Found myself dragging Andrew around the streets of Lisbon looking for Portugese custard tarts.  Eventually found some, but they were mass-produced and a bit plasticky.   Would have bought chocolate if I could have found any.

Today was yet another new day and new start.  Yeah, right.  Got me as far as the airport.  In the lounge they had proper custard tarts.  So, I had to try one!   And another.  Don't even remember how many I ate.  The lounge staff must have been disgusted!

But, the holiday is over and I am now back on the wagon.  I don't have any other social engagements for the next few weeks (other than a pub quiz, and I can cope with that) so I determined to stay on track.  Must get over the complacency.

Only have half a stone to go before I start management.  Well, I did.  Have a nasty feeling I'll have put on at WI tomorrow. 

LL Day 111 - off the wagon

Oh dear.  Not feeling good today.  Mixture of uncomfortable tum and guilt.

We went to Geneva for the weekend to visit Andrew's family.  I explained the situation to avoid mishaps, and they were very supportive, but I was my own worst enemy.

Got there on the Friday, and went to restaurant with all the family (eight of us).  That was fine, I just had water, whilst they ate.  What I didn't know was that Andrew's uncle and aunt had bought champagne and cake in our honour, which was opened when we got back to their house.  I had a mouthful of champagne, and avoided the cake. 

We were staying with aunt & uncle that night.  When we went to bed, they'd left us two big boxes of Swiss chocs in our room as a gift.  I was very tempted to crack them open there and then!  But resisted.

Saturday was fine, until we went to Andrew's mum's house.  She was having a party, and there was lots of food.  Some had been bought/made especially for me, as I'm quite tricky to cater for.  I made the decision that to avoid offence, I would have some - just a little.  There was more champagne, and Andrew gave me mine in a sherry glass, which was good as it meant I didn't have much more than a mouthful.

But, as I'd 'allowed' myself to eat, I went beserk.  Didn't leave the buffet table alone all evening.  Got very full, very quickly, and didn't feel good, but that didn't stop me. 

In an odd way, it's fortunate that I'm allergic to the cat as it meant we could make our excuses and leave before the puddings came out.  They looked amazing, and I'd have really let myself down!

We were staying at a hotel that night, near the airport, as we had an early flight.  Got back and in a moment of madness, I opened one of the boxes of chocolates.  Shared a few with Andrew, but did almost the entire box before falling asleep with a major sugar headache.

The next morning, I threw the scant remains of the box away.  One day off the wagon, and had to get straight back on again.

Avoiding the plane food was easy.  We got back home to see what mess the builders had left us (doing some work in our bedroom and the sitting room).  I was tired, and a bit cranky.  You can guess what's coming next ..... the other box of chocolates got opened.  I troughed almost all of them,  Andrew didn't get a look in.   

Another sugar headache, combined with a major guilt trip made a very sulky Amanda.  

But that really was it, no more rubbish food in the house, and back to the shakes.  A friend came over to help us strip wallpaper.  At the end of a long day, Andrew took him out for dinner as a thank you.  He then rang me from the restaurant to say how good the food was, and did I want anything bringing back.

That tripped me.  I was trying hard to be good, and really didn't need temptation waved under my nose when I was already finding it really hard.  I said no, and sat and seethed at home.

Then found myself across the road at the garage, buying a huge bar of fruit & nut, which I scoffed before they got back.

New start today .....

LL Day 105

Well, all things considered, am pretty pleased with last night's weigh-in.

I know it's a fortnight's total, so not hugely spectacular, but I've lost 5lbs.  More importantly, that takes me over the 50lb barrier, 51 to be exact.  Next target is to shift another 5lbs and get me to 4stone.

However, we're going to Geneva this weekend for mum-inlaw's birthday.  I think I'm going to have to explain what I'm doing in order to avoid being force-fed.  They go to great pains to get veggie food for me, and I don't want to waste their time, effort and money.

The following weekend we're going to Lisbon, also with mum-in-law.  That could be a really tricky one, but will be much easier if they know I'm not doing food or booze.

LL Day 1 - 100 stats

Andrew measured me last night, Day 100, just as he did on Day One.

I've lost 3st 4lbs (although that figure's now a week out of date) but more telling is the cms lost.

neck  36cm - 33cm (3cm loss)

left upper arm  36cm - 30cm (6cm)

right upper arm  39cm - 32cm (7cm)

bust  108cm - 99cm (9cm)

waist  88cm - 77cm (11cm)

stomach  108cm - 93cm (15cm)

hips  120cm - 104cm (16cm)

left thigh  75cm - 64cm (11cm)

right thigh  76cm - 64½cm (11½cm)

left calf  45cm - 41cm (4cm)

right calf 45cm - 40½cm (4½)

Am so glad I've kept a record, and it thrills me to know that even in the two weeks since we last got out the tape measure, I've lost another 1cm from my bust and 1½ from my hips.

Will get a pic taken this evening, and hopefully get to put up before and 'two-thirds through' shots on here.