I have no clue what's wrong with me but I can't keep motivation for shit.
I think it's a big mixture of feeling like crap health-wise, dedicating all of my time to remodeling the house, and generally hating where I am in life right now.
My gastroparesis has been rearing its ugly head more often than usual. I've finally found a bit of a support network with it and it would seem that the others I've talked to have the same issues I do with weight gain and it being very, very difficult to lose weight...even though weight loss is how the disease presents itself to begin with. Ironic, no?
I'm sick of not being able to eat what I want. I freaking HATE the people who have the option of eating anything and they throw it all away or rebel against a certain food group because they don't "like" it. I think I'd just about kill somebody to be able to eat a salad again. I loved them before I got sick and I've had maybe two in the past 6 years because I inevitably end up puking them. Even a few bites of side salad often leaves me feeling nauseated. Raaaage.
Add in old sports injuries (and my being the clumsiest person ever) and it hurts to move. The new house is helping a lot -- we have seven stories here including basement and attic, so I'm forced to walk stairs every day. So thankfully my bum knee can handle more than it could previously because it has to. Other things hurt a lot still and I know the weight is complicating that.
Finally, I dislike my husband's family. A lot. Not just a little, but a lot. If I'd never see them again, I'd be super happy. They effectively ruined what we wanted for a wedding and seemingly strive to make my life hell with the constant interfering. They're obnoxious, rude, meddling, and inconsiderate. In short, the type of people I would never, ever, EVER have anything to do with if I had any other choice...but I don't want my guy to have a strained relationship with them, so I just shut up and smile. It's driving me crazy, though. Even from over a thousand miles away, they find ways to piss me off and interfere with my house and life.
I need a job or something to keep me motivated and distracted from dwelling on just how much of a shit-fest everything is right now. Or at least something to remind me that maybe I don't have it so bad, because all I've felt like doing lately is wallowing in self-loathing and throwing pity parties for one.
I pulled out my health and wellness book from college and decided to do some number crunching.
I see myself as this huge, hulking blob and needed to somehow reconcile that with the 17 year old (god, was it really EIGHT years ago?) that had a lower BMI than her beauty queen roommate. Talk about some bad mojo there -- that really ticked her off.
Regardless, I've always known that the plug and chug BMI calculators have always been off on me. To check it that way, I'm listed as Stage 2 Obese (the one right below Morbid Obesity). I know I'm large, but am I really THAT big? Heavy, yes...but I've always been very solid.
So I pulled out the handy, dandy tape measure and the book to figure out just how bad off I really am right now.
My current level of body fat, based on height, weight, and measurements landed me square in the middle of ACCEPTABLE!!! That's a massively awesome victory. It's far from the "athlete" category I was in then...and I completely skipped the "fitness" category...but damnit if I'm not proud to see it's acceptable and not overweight or obese.
My hip-to-waist ratio is also well below the lowest level of risk for weight-related health problems. Also a victory.
I also found a bit where we were required to find our ideal weight range for class and the upper level of mine, based on height and bone structure turned out to be 190....so I have a long way to go, but not nearly as far as most of the stupid BMI calculators online would have me believe. I actually double-checked it versus what I could find online and if, based on my muscle and bone structure, I weighed what those things suggested, I'd actually be considered to be in an unhealthy body fat percentage.
Maybe someday I'll get a health expert to remeasure me, but this is as close as I could get at home...and I'll take it, as it made me feel much less shitty about myself.
Eats were okay at best today and I got my movement in. My little cousin has wanted to start getting healthy, so we've been texting and messaging each other a lot to keep on track. I like having her in this because it motivates me more to move if it'll keep her moving. =)
I've already met my water intake goal for the day and it's not quite 4pm yet! Yay!
Dinner has already been made (leftovers for the win!), so I'm looking forward to having some nice grilled scallops with a fruit "salsa" side -- it's really just some chopped honeydew with avocado and a splash of lime and pepper...but it's freaking amazing and the *perfect* compliment to the seafood.
I have to put on my big girl pants tomorrow and take my dog to the vet -- I've really became quite reclusive these past few months, so hopefully that will help push me back into getting out and getting moving.
On Thursday, I'm starting a road-trip to go visit my mom for the weekend. It's a long drive but I heard tale there may be a wedding shower planned for then, so it should be fun!
I've started crafting again and I really feel as if that's helping to improve my outlook and turn my mood around. Let's hope it sticks!
Here's to hoping that this week will get everything semi-back on track.
I'm still having trouble sleeping at night, so I ended up planning food for the week and going grocery shopping at one in the morning. I may have to start shopping at that time -- I loooved not having to fight with crowded aisles to get stuff! I also found out that at the end of the day, the deli wraps and sells the ends of their meats/cheeses at about 1/4 of the normal price after they can no longer be cut prettily. We have a meat slicer at home, so I ended up snagging a few chunks of meat and cheese for my guy to make sandwiches with -- he was ecstatic about the variety and quality of the stuff this morning. Weirdly enough, I also liked that there was only one line and it was a little lady who could barely stand...so it gave me the chance to bag all of my groceries like I like them to be bagged. Ahh, the sad little pleasures of life.
Since the snow has been melting the day after it falls, we're hoping to grill this week (twice!). The fact that I'm looking forward to cooking is definitely a step in the right direction...or maybe it's the thought of making a honeydew and avocado salsa to go with grilled scallops that is perking me up? =P
In life news, my hoopskirt for my wedding gown arrived and it fit! I guess that's always a minor victory when you order something smaller than you are at the time. The first hoop starts right at my gut so I'm thinking the dress won't cling there now, but will flow. That, in and of itself, is pretty exciting. My guy also went a long way in finishing my crafting room. I really think having this area done will solve a lot of my "bah humbug" moods by giving me something to do.
Next weekend, we'll be making the 12-13 hour trip to where I grew up for a bridal shower one of my cousins is giving us. It's a long drive but I guess that's the price we pay for living so far away from our families and friends. So far 19 people have confirmed to be at the wedding...and all but 3 are my guy's family -- none of our friends have replied yet. This is going to be hell. Pure hell. -_-;
I don't know where my head has been lately, but it certainly hasn't been screwed on straight. My sleep schedule is almost in full reversal -- I'm not going to bed until after 7:00 a.m. most nights. My stomach issues went completely haywire and I'm having trouble eating again...when I do remember to, most food options are making me sick. ...and I've just been in some general kind of funk where I don't want to do anything but snuggle deeper in my blankets.
Frustrating? Yes!
I need to find a way to drag myself out of this nonsense and get things back on track.
The happy bordering on manic mood from yesterday dissipated. Here I was hoping it was around for a while.
I've been having a lot of trouble focusing lately. I think it's a mix of the blow to my noggin and just generally being so overwhelmed I don't know which end is up.
To kind of help me cement the routine, I'm stepping on the scales every day. I'm not zeroing them in beforehand, so they don't actually weigh me -- I don't need THAT kind of stress -- but just stepping on them as a gentle and routine reminder of what I need to do for my health and where I should be trying to focus.
I'm having a lot of continuing issues with the wedding. Who's sick of hearing about it besides me? I can't wait for it all to be over. I shouldn't be dreading it so much...it's not marriage, just the wedding. I don't like all of the hulabaloo and attention it's garnering. It's well beyond any scope I ever wanted and it just makes me want to crawl in a hole and hide. *sigh*
Movement was minimal yesterday, as my knee was still screaming in agony. Eats were okay, other than sleeping through lunch. Oopsie. =X I think the nap benefited me more anyway...
I just made a huge post about my updates and progress and the freaking website signed me out as I went to post it. Fuck you, extrapounds. Seriously. There are plenty of spammers and I'll stay logged in for days ONLY to get signed out RIGHT as I'm posting?!
Rageeeeeeeee.
Recap: I was feeling kinda good about things . First time in a long time. I updated my measurements to share....for my own records, I lost .5 inches on my gut, the rest are recorded in my body log and staying there 'cause I don't have the energy to re-post it all. Wedding gown needs to be resized -- smaller is a good thing!
I twisted my knee at some point, can't remember when, so am limited on activity right now...and I've been told I may have a mild concussion. Awesome, right? Been really tired with lots of fuzzy stuff and headaches this week -- thought today was Monday, etc. Mailed out wedding invites yesterday with the same shit going on, so who knows where they'll end up. Oops? I at least remember how I got the knot on my head: a chair fell on my head.
...and with that, I'm going back to bed because it's warm and snugly there...and I can't do much else between the knee and the noggin. *sigh*
This year has been insane and thrown everything off track...especially the upcoming wedding and the future monsters-in-law. This is one of the first times I've been able to sit down and leisurely use the internet. I don't work, so that's saying a lot!
The good news is my fiancee finally had a bit of an existential crisis earlier this week and somewhere between questioning everything down to if he even likes his hobbies anymore, he told his parents to back off and leave me the hell alone. THANK YOU!!!
So it's officially been 5 days since his mother was last texting me at 2 and 3 in the morning, sending nonstop emails, and calling multiple times a day while he was at work in hopes of twisting my arm into agreeing to something he'd already nixed. I can feel the stress literally sliding off of me. =)
With endless full nights of sleep and having now been able to settle almost all of the details of the wedding (amazing what I could get done in a week without having to constantly corral over-zealous and intrusive people, isn't it?), I can *hopefully* get back to focusing on more than not going postal on my guy's relatives.
...in the very least, there's been no stress eating this week and I'm getting more energetic and excited about things. That's a massive leap in the right direction. Today is going to be spent reclaiming the house that I literally haven't cleaned since before the holidays last year...and shoveling the driveway and stairs since I haven't bothered to touch them in the week since it's snowed. I also desperately need to go grocery shopping, as my guy has spent most of the year bringing home food because otherwise he knew we wouldn't be eating.
Yah, it's been that bad. =/
...but no more! The fog is clearing and let's hope it stays clear with smooth sailing for a while! =)
Hope everybody else has been doing better than I have. LOL!
That's 22.75 inches I've lost since my initial measurements were taken so long ago. Almost two feet -- good grief!
When the seamstress measured, she had higher measurements on each but she reminded me that I had my clothes on so she was going to subtract some for the materials before alteration...assuming I go that way. I really don't think I want a traditional dress, though.
Actually, last night, I had MEN helping me plan the wedding and look for dresses. Completely voluntary! I didn't even have to ask or bring it up -- they actually initiated dress and cake talk. I adore those guys and am I'm so lucky to have such amazing friends to help keep me sane... <3 Even if I did steal them from my guy. =X
I bought a Wii for my guy for the holidays (sneaky, right?) and we ended up playing over 45 minutes of Just Dance 3 and sweating like pigs...so it seems like it's an investment that's going to pay off. If anything gets us moving without us dying to stop, it's worth it. We would've went on longer but dinner was ready by that point.
I'm planning the menu for the week this afternoon and hopefully making it over to the store to restock since everything is bare after a 10 day vacation. I look forward to getting back into the swing of things with cooking and eating more healthily. =)
After 13 hours of driving with two dogs, my guy and I finally made it back home last night!
Here's to hoping that this year is even better than last and it should be considering our wedding is in April. ...if I don't have a complete mental breakdown first.
I ended up skipping our annual New Years festivities with our friends in Georgia and stayed with my family in Virginia. My mom is worried that I won't have a dress in time for the wedding (yes, I know, I'm cutting it close) so she drug me around three states looking for something I didn't feel naked or self-conscious in. The good news is we found a few options that fit the bill, the bad is that I don't like any of them enough to spend that kind of money on a dress I'm only wearing once and I had an epic panic attack in one of the stores.
On the other hand, as sad as I was to miss seeing our friends, I'm glad I didn't have to see my guy's family again so soon. =X I'm also glad I wasn't subjected to two days of pizza and fried chicken temptations. I'm all about not cutting out foods, knowing fully well that I'll crave them and binge later if I do...but two solid days of nothing but those would've made me physically ill.
I'm doing myself a favor and switching my focus a bit this year (semi-resolution, I guess?). I need to focus more on *me* and less on trivial things that don't matter so much. Instead of keeping a hawk-eye on the scale, I'm going to pack it away while we remodel our bathroom and not weigh in until the middle or end of the month. Sounds crazy to most but I think that will keep me more focused on doing the things I NEED to do -- like eating healthily and exercising -- rather than the numerical results of doing those things.
Finally, if I ever find my measuring tape, I'll update my body log. I can happily report that based on the measurements taken by the wedding dress seamstress, I've lost 2.5 inches from my waist since my last body log in November! I look forward to double-checking those myself since everybody always measures things a bit differently. =)
