Staying Accountable

I am still here. Just checkin in! :-D

lalalalala...

What do I do now???

Progress, not perfection.

I havn't posted for a bit. There has been a lot of stress going on and some family problems... I was off plan for about 2 weeks or so. I'm really happy that my friend Arlene texted me this week until I finally called her. I really appreciated the advice she gave me, especially the positive attitude part. My goal is to lose 8 lbs for my birthday. AND I WILL DO IT. ;-D This week I lost the weight I put on while off plan, which is great! I'm really glad I decided to stick to this.

"Progress, not perfection."

The Stress is Overwhelming

I feel stress and anxiety really taking a toll on me. I understand how unhealthy stress is for weight loss and overall health, but I am having trouble controlling my emotions. It's like wherever I go, there is a constant stream of stress and I can never just unwind. At work I am totally stressed out from my boss. Usually I get along really well with people at work and I'm a very sympathetic person, and generally read people pretty well. At least I THOUGHT so.

I feel like my boss talks to me like I'm stupid and I don't know anything. I feel as though she's thinking that I don't do a good job and points out things I do wrong often. I feel like she doesn't trust me to get things done and is always looking over my shoulder. When she asks me a question I give a long pause like I'm uncertain... even if I know the answer and it's an easy question... only because I'm so on edge around her and afraid that I'll mess up. She asked me today, "What? Why are you so depressed?" all of a sudden. Even this comment makes me feel like I'm not doing my job well, because I'm a receptionist and should hold a friendly and happy demeanor. I told her I wasn't depressed, in a surprised expression, because I WAS surprised. Surprised that she asked me this and so bluntly, too (that's what I get for working with a shrink). What was I supposed to say? Tell my boss that I'm uneasy around her because she micromanages and I don't appreciate her patronizing tone of voice?

When I go home I don't feel any better. Actually, I feel more at ease in the office (my boss isn't there half the time). My roommate situation has gotten out of hand and I don't know what to do anymore. I wonder how I get myself into these types of rooming situations and find myself fantasizing often about having my own place all to myself, as lonely as I may be, it would be worth it. I'd rather not describe the situation because I have a feeling I would get bombarded with advice and comments, and I'm trying to look internally rather than externally for the answer. Still, it's really stressful.

I havn't been on plan for about 10 days now. I have, however, decided I need even more structure and am advising a 3 week plan for myself complete with a daily schedule of exactly when, where, and what I'm eating, exercising, doing chores, etc. If I stick to this for 3 weeks I'm hoping I will just get into a schedule of some sort instead of now which is I do whatever whenever (except work, that is, and I only work part time). More detailed info later.

The only time I feel at all at ease is around my DBF. But our schedules don't synch up well. I see him at night when I get home for an hour or two before bedtime, and on the weekends. I wish we could spend every day together, like a normal couple, and have a sit down dinner and everything, but he works early in the morning and I work at night, so this can't happen unless I get a different job. There arn't a lot of jobs nowadays, so the odds are against me.

My autistic roommate, moving, and new book.

I've been having tons of stress this week. I haven't been handling it very well, either. This week I stopped keeping track with my calories, and because last weekend my sneakers were ruined, I havn't been doing as much activity.

We (as in my DBF and I) are going through so many roommate problems that we are going to attempt to move out before our lease is up and find a new place. I'm not sure if our landlady will be willing to make the negotiations we need to break our lease (we sublet). I'm also worried about confrontation with our roommate. He is very defensive and has a short temper, plus he as asperger's syndrome so I'm not sure if he will fully understand why we are upset and moving out. I have had so much stress, I don't eat all day long until I get to work and then I make poor food choices. Somehow, I lost a half pound, which is AMAZING considering all the stress, not keeping track, and TOM.

Weigh-In 10: I did good! lol

Video of my hike

I'm Sensitive

I can really relate to this song. How about you?



"I'm Sensitive"
Jewel

I was thinking that I might fly today
Just to disprove all the things you say
It doesn't take a talent to be mean
Your words can crush things that are unseen
So please be careful with me, I'm sensitive
And I'd like to stay that way.
You always tell me that is impossible
To be respected and be a girl
Why's it gotta be so complicated?
Why you gotta tell me if I'm hated?
So please be careful with me, I'm sensitive
And I'd like to stay that way.
I was thinking that it might do some good
If we robbed the cynics and took all their food
That way what they believe will have taken place
And we can give it to people who have some faith
So please be careful with me, I'm sensitive
And I'd like to stay that way.
I have this theory that if we're told we're bad
Then that's the only idea we'll ever have
But maybe if we are surrounded in beauty
Someday we will become what we see
'Cause anyone can start a conflict
it's harder yet to disregard it
I'd rather see the world from another angle
We are everyday angels
Be careful with me 'cause I'd like to stay that way

IM BEING ATTACKED... by cookies?

It's Saturday morning and I'm at work for two hours. Right now I'm alone and unsupervised. I hate that because there is so much candy and junk food at this office, it's hard for me not to have a nibble on something. I already caved and had some candy hearts! It was't a whole box, it was a little individual sized one. Too late now. It was yummy, but I wish I hadn't eaten something so sugary and unhealthy and off plan. Like, once in a while its good to have candy, but when I plan for it, and not when I'm sneaking around having some. I will still record the calories, of course. My rule at work is that I can only eat what I bring. I made an exception the other day and ate an orange slice that a co-worker offered me, but hey, it was fruit and I was honestly needing a little sumthin. Ususally it's cake, cookies, chocolates, or candies... and it's EVERYWHERE! lol Attack of the killer sweets! lol Seriously, help.

Roommate Woes etc.

So much going on.

1. Grandma Update
2. My Hindering Roommate
3. Weigh-In 9
4. YMCA Membership?

My grandma is back in the hospital from the rehab center because they wern't giving her the attention she needed and now she has an infection in the bone where her surgery was. She also may have pneumonia. So, she needs to go on antibiotics and get the excess fluid from the infection drained out. SIGH. I may have to go back to Orange this weekend, and I had plans to go hiking. Well, it seems rainy out anyways.

Did I ever mention that I CANT STAND my roommate? I won't go into all the trouble he has caused me, how nuts he is, or how disrespectful... lets just say I can't stand to be around him. I feel on edge all the time. Something happened this week and now I don't want to leave my room. I don't want to go in the kitchen to cook or eat. I've been really bad not eating all morning waiting to hear him slam the door and leave for class/work/whatever so I can eat in peace. But yesterday he didn't leave all day long so eventually I made a bolt for the front door to go out and get something. UGH. I stayed within my calorie range, but it was unhealthy food, so I'm not happy.

Good news is that I finally got a scale! I weighed in and I was down a pound from last week. I understand because of the circumstances that may not be very accurate (new scale, different time of day, etc.) but I really don't care. I will just record that, be happy it's down and not up, and move on. Here is my VLog about that...