Denial

Black shirt, black pants, everything that stretches.  Scarfs, jackets, anything that covers and conceals.  For about the last 7 years I have been in complete denial about my weight.  Every time I think I have come to accept that I am overweight - I slide back into my old habits that include dressing to conceal and comfort eating.  I realize that at times, I am shoving food into my mouth and I am not even hungry.  I am really trying this time to change my habits.


          Healthy Diet                Active Life          Comfort from people not food

Thoughts on being tall and fat...........

At 5'10 I'm referred to as being a "big girl" and have used my height to try and hide my ever increasing gut.  At 250lbs I could barely walk without huffing and puffing.  I struggled with daily tasks as simple as putting on my shoes.   My stomach looked (still looks) like a series of donuts from my chest down to my rear end.   How did I end up like this?  Denial played a huge role. I would always find someone bigger and tell myself "well at least I don't look like that".  I don't like the "big girl" that I have become.  Each day is getting easier.  I had such great success with Medifast in the past.  Last time I lost around 50lbs in around five months.  I stopped because of hives (not product related). I used this as an excuse to go back to old habits and the weight flew back on me.  I'm not going to stop this time until I hit 150.  This will mean I will have lost over 100lbs which I find to be an amazing number of pounds. YAY me!

I am a big fat girl...........

How did this happen? I grew up always being skinny.......super skinny.  I never had to watch what I ate.

Then over the  years the scale kept increasing.  First 169lbs, then 175lbs and then 190lbs.  After topping the scales at 250 I was still in denial.  Then one day at my OBGYN a doctor in training asked if I had a referral for gastric bypass.  I was just floored.  I remember thinking "Hey buddy, you are twice as big as me". 

I would blame my shrinking clothes on the dryer.  Too much heat I would think.  After a while my belly became as big as my boobs.  *UGH*  I realized "I am a big fat girl........".

I tried Medifast last year and lost 50lbs and gained back 34lbs when I stopped the program. 

Here I go again, it is day three and I think I am doing pretty well.  I haven't deviated from my path.

Thoughts on starting again..........

All the major spiritual traditions serve the purpose of offering us a road map to guide us on our individual journeys to enlightenment.  These road maps are made up of moral codes, parables, and, in some cases, detailed descriptions of mystical states.  We often study the fine points of a particular ascended master's narrative in order to better understand our own and seek inspiration and guidance on our path.  In the same way, when we plan a road trip, we carry maps and guidebooks in an effort to understand where where we are going.  In both cases, though, the journey has a life of its own and maps, while helpful, can only take us so far.  There is just no comparison between looking at a line on a piece of paper and driving your own car down  the road that line represents.  Some people seem well suited to following maps, while others are always looking for new ways to get where they're going.  In the end, the only reliable compass is within, as every great spiritual guide will tell you.  The maps and travelogues left behind by others are great blessings, full of useful information and inspiration, but they cannot take the journey for us.  When it is time to merge onto the highway or pull up anchor , we are ostensibly on our own.  Strange weather patterns, closed roads, and traffic jams arise in the moment, out of nowhere, and our maps cannot tell us what to do.  Whether we take refuge in a motel by the side of the road, persevere and continue forward, or turn back altogether is entirely up to us.  Maps are based on Observations from the past and we are living in the present, so we are the only true experts on our journey to enlightenment.  We may find that the road traveled by our predecessors is now closed.  We may feel called to change direction entirely so that the maps we have been carrying really no longer apply.  These are the moments when we learn how to attune ourselves to our inner compass, following a map that only we can see, as we make our way into the unknown territory of our own enlightenment. 

Starting

Dear Self,

I give you permission to succeed.  You deserve to lose weight and enjoy your life.  Forget about past failures and enjoy what the future has to hold for you.