A funny thing happened on the way to becoming thin again

I realized my weight issues were moreso in my head than my body. Yeah, my body was huge but my perceptive self-image was far more out of control. I have been away for a while due to my surgery and a complication or two. Now I have to work off the weight I gained but I do not beat myself up about it any longer. I laid in bed for six weeks and I thought that I would nearly die of boredom. Reaistically, I laid there for a week and a half before going back to the gym. BAD IDEA. I realized that is takes longer for the inside to heal. I went to the doc today for my checkup and she gave me a clean bill of health. I am so ready to get back on my plan. I allowed myself to revert back to old habits. They do die hard. I gained a few pounds, well more than a few. This go around, I have a plan of correction and now that I can see me in  a more realistic light.

Sidebar:

My on is on his way to college next month and I am so very proud. I just worry that he is gong to sleep through his life. At home, I still have to hold his hands and talk myself to death about cleanliness, privacy, and limits. He has been an only child and is not very good at seeing someone else's point of view, or at least that is how it seems.  All I can do at this point is let go and lot GOD.

Back to my story.....

On my journey to achieve weight release I have learned a lot about myself including that I can be a bit of a bitch, even to myself. That is sad, isn't it? I am a bit obsessive and compulsive. It is a good thing that I live alone. For months prior to having my surgery, all of those qualities were exemplified to the 100th power and I could not stand myself. When the fog cleared, I set out to make some changes in my life.

                                1. Let some stuff go

                                2. Develop patience

                                3. Learn to take constructive criticism

                                4. Let some stuff go (actually that is the list in ots totality)

Who am I kidding, my uptightness allows me to push myself even harder and never settle for less.  Since I am trying to be a more well rounded person, I have to sculpt my physical, mental and spiritual self. So my newest goals are

                                 1. continue to release pounds,

                                 2. meditate,

                                 3. go to churchand  listen to my spiritual music,

                                 4. go out and meet new people

I am ready. set and shall go forward to make my life better.

Are all teenagers brain-damaged?

I made it through my surgery and am now at home recouperating. While at home, I guess I have time to focus on my son's pending graduation and college preparation. My son, I love him but sometimes I do not like him. I already know that sounds bad, but I am being honest and if every other parent was truthful they would concur. I am still on my sick bed when he just grates my nerve. He bounces a check for his cap and gown. Does he come to me to tell me or ask for help? No. I find out via the certified letter the company sends threatening legal action. When I ask, he says, "huh". Unfortunately, they did not send the check through until a few weeks after it was written and he used the money for !@$%. He didn't know. I inquired about when he was going to inform me, and he didn't know the answer to that either. I glanced at a newsletter from his intended college home and what do I spy? Deadlines for housing application, early placement testing registration and orientation dates. All of which have fees and time restrictions attached to them. I ask, "did you see those dates? how do you plan on handling those fees? when do you plan on handling those fees? how are you going to get there? I love my son but he is thoughtless and immature (that is just a rant now and completely irrational). I guess I am just upset that he is leaving home and still seems unprepared for life. He thinks the world revolves around him and I have spent so much time trying to make sure he was prepared for life's challenges and he is not getting it. Being the single parent, I have had to bring the hammer down more times than I care to count. He is blessed but he is also in for an uphill battle. He is an intelligent, black male without a criminal history. As much as we would like to think the world has changed because of Barack and Hillary's candidacy, it is just as biased and racist as ever. He needs to do and be 10 times better just to be considered average. I am just very frustrated with kids in general and I know the challenges he faces. I worked two and three jobs just to keep us out of poorer areas so that he would not see drug dealers on the corners, be subjected to gangs and black males doing and being nothing.  He has only seen those images on television and the news and has the perception that nothing can happen to him. I would just like him to put some thought into his future and be cognizant and sensitive to others people's time. I know I am not the first nor will I be the last parent to vent about a teenager's lack of attention to detail. I still love my child.

Invincible........Not

I went to a funeral of a young girl that i worked with and it really worked my nerve. I work with juveniles who have mental health issues and involved in the court system. She was 17 years old and newly pregnant. She is dead and for no plausible reason. I get so tired of dealing with juveniles who constantly talk about how stressed they are and cannot sit in a classroom and get the tools needed to have any type of successful career. I understand that there are diferent pathways to success but the reality is that not every juvenile is going to get a recording contract, or a professional athletic scholarship or contract. The kids I deal with seem to have no goals or plan for their future. I remember being a teenager and thinking that I knew everything but I had a basic foundation laid by my family, which was," You have to do more than lie on your back". I know that is crass but my mom was a realist and she did not pull any punches with me. She may have threw a few, but never pulled any. I got the message that I had to plan for my future with the concept that no one was going to give me anything, I had to work. A majority of the children I deal with have this sense of entitlement, like the world owes them something. WHAT? Now this child is dead and her child is dead because she and her cohorts felt someone owed them something. I would not want to be a teenager, today but a lot of what I see is a lack of parental guidance and supervision.  I mean YOUTUBE is full of little idiots looking for there five minutes of fame, not realizing that debasing yourself for profit or just to fit in, damages you in the long run. On a good note, during her funeral, a lot of her friends showed up and the Pastor took that opportunity to address the living and the lifestyle that assisted her to her fate and posed the question that if she were able to say anything right now, knowing that her days were at an end, she would caution them to change their ways. I think that quite a few of her friends took heed to the message.

I am so PROUD of my child. he is graduating in a few weeks and you are damned right, I am patting myself on the back. As a single mom, I have raised a young, handsome, articulate, black male, who has never been in any  trouble in the community, with the law or the school, not in a gang and accepted to four very prestiges universities for academics and athletics. My help came from my GOD and my family. it can be done, but we have to get involved and in their business. I always wonder how parents did not know their child was about to shoot up the shool.My son lives in my house, or I call it, The United States of Sharon. I tell him his privacy comes when he has a mortgage in his name, until then, my home, my rules.

Side note:

Surgery on Friday, I look forward to it. Once my surgery is complete, I can get myself back on track, stop taking hormones, end the early menopause crap and continue with my weight release program. I am so close to my goal but due to my health restrictions and concerns over the last few months, I have been hard pressed to reach them. I will now. Keep me in your prayers and thanks for all the support , I have received.

One Year Later

It has been exactly one year and one month since I started my weight release journey and now I am 35 pounds away from my goal. Not so long ago, that seemed like an impossible number and an even more impossible feat to accomplish. I remeber thinking, " I will never be small again." I yearned for the days of yesteryear when I was in high school and thought that I was fat at 135 pounds because I could not get that gap between my thighs.Youth, is wasted on the young. I bought me two new dresses last weekend, a size 9 and a size 7. My mom stated to me, "you'll never get into those dresses." I simply replied, "Thank you," because that was all I needed to keep me motivated to prove her wrong and continue on my journey to realizing my goal. I revel in the thought that people tend to underestimate me and my abilities. I know that we are going to come against obstacles and I have truly had my share this year( the year is not even half over). The obstacle should not be our families, the people we look to for support but it is usually them that tear us down, in the name of constructive criticism. It is more like de-constructive criticism. I am really proud of myself and I should be. I am not where I want to be, but thank god, I am not where I was.  If i can accomplish this, I know that everyone who visits this web page and website can also. If you read my blog, inconsistent as it is , you will know that I struggle, even until today. My journey is not a unique one but it is a real one. If anyone tells you this is easy, know that they are lying, not mispeaking,,,,,,they are flat out selling you wolf tickets. You do not have to join a gym or get a personal trainer or purchase a lot of equipment to release weight. Use your body weight, run, walk or slow jog 30 minutes a day. Incorporate more fruits and vegetables into your meal plan, make a meal plan and stick to it. Stop drinking sodas and eating out so much. It will reduce your waist circumference and increase your finances. Eat 5-6 small meals a day with breakfast as your largest meal and lastly, drink plenty of water. Let's get moving people, today is a new day. Time is going to pass with or without you, do something and change will occur. Don't get bogged down on a number, and realize that you are only human and you will slip up but get back on track ASAP. Thank you guys for keeping me motivated.

Back in the Saddle Again

I know that I have been away for a minute but I have not stopped working toward my goal. It has been a difficult time balancing my emotional issues, health concerns and motivation to continue on this journey. I do realize that life is going to happen and go on with or without us. I haven't been diligently on my plan but I have recognized in the checks and balances of life that if I do something, rather than nothing, I will still continue to make progress or at least, not lose much ground. That has been my mantra of late, DO SOMETHING or to steal from nike, JUST DO IT! Even though I haven't been able to get to te gym the way I would like too, I have continued to park further away from my job, walk often in the workplace, take the steps and I even brought my workout bands into my office to do a little strength training. I have not lost but I haven't gained much either and that has been my key goal while my schedule has increased. All I am saying ladies and gents is that life goes on and on and on and on............ You get the picture. And this too shall pass, so I am keeping my head up.

Side Bar Topic: I switched gyms. I had an incident in the gym with a staff person not so long ago that really hurt my spirit. Even though, they eventually let the staff person go, due to continued ignorance, I have not felt comfortable going to that particular location. The reality is that i needed more than they could offer me and i beleive that I have found a good gym that offers what i need. They have more classes, more equipment, newer equipment and the atmosphere is better for me. It is more expensive but the fact that I was paying an alternate source to take boxing classes because I was interested in it, and this gym offers the class as part of their regular schedule, I am in heaven. They even have an outdoor bootcamp to change up the terrain and flow of the class so that you work a little harder. I think that it is worth the extra bucks to have some piece of mind and feel invogorated again. I look forward to all the changes I am going to experience and the increased loss of fat and intensity of the workout. I hope that everyone is still on their programs or at least trying to maintain. Every activity counts.

A wise woman once said.........

A wise woman once said that in life, you have to be strong enough to choose you. Taking this stand solidifies that perspective. At first, I did not get it because in my mind, I always did what I thought was in my best interest, That is until I took that hard, long, look into the looking glass without the rose colored lenses. For so long in my life, I did what was expected of me, I was the dependable, faithful, loyal person that everyone called on to dump their problems onto or find some resolution. Not once did anyone ever consider my feelings, they always just assumed that because I cared about them that I was there just for them. I sometimes imagine the bubble in the cartoons being displayed by my head revealing my real thoughts . I learned the art of appearing to actively listening while compiling my grocery list in my head. I did not make myself a priority so no one else did either. It really amazed me that I could give my consumers and the system hell on their behalf but I did not advocate for me or my time. Instead, I shoved food down my throat and gained over a 100 pounds. Then I heard that wise woman's words again, "Choose You" and I did. When I get frustrated and angry I take a look at my "biggest loser"" photo. It's definitely not a glamour shot. I look at how far I have come and how it wasn't easy but it was achievable. I visualized this body and this shape. It's only the halfway mark though. So for everyone out here that doesn't think they can go on, GET OVER YOURSELF, leave the pity party and GET TO WORK. Don't think you can, KNOW YOU CAN! It's 1 pound at a time, 1 day at a time. You will have ups and downs and plateaus, that is part of the process. We did not gain it overnight so you will not release it overnight.
Set small achievable goals like sticking to working out 2-3 times a week or drinking 8-8ounce glasses of water. Set of a goal of just doing some form of physical activity daily like taking the steps daily instead of the elevator. JUST DO NOT GIVE UP and if you slip, so what, keep on trying, it's not the end of the world and no reason to now eat everything in the fridge.
Things I know for sure...
Don't take on others expectations, DO YOU not everybody else. You are unique and your plan is just that Yours!
Until next time.....
 

I am not Alone? but I am LONELY

It has been a minute since I have written but I have really been struggling with my health concerns nd my choices. I got the news today. Surgical intervention is needed for me to recieve any form of relief from my problem but it is not as extensive as once I perceived it to be. It was such a relief to find out that I will not have to have a hysterectomy. I have to have an endometrial ablation which will not be as invasive. The procedure will not be conducive to my having anymore children but I will get to keep my equipment. Children will not be completely out of the question but it will be a high risk undertaking. Considering that I am not even in a committed relationship, I do not forsee that being an alternative right now. I do find someone very appealing but have yet to approach him or see if the attraction is mutual. I stated once before in my blog that it wasn't the right time. Thanks for calling me on my BS. There really is never an appropriate time, you have to just do it. My rationale was that I could not give myself fully to the pursuit while I felt like a defective typewriter. I know my weight and everything in my life has been defective, especially with my nutritional habits. I probably have gained weight but it's okay. My mind is at ease a little. I will be scheduling my surgery in a few weeks and I am praying for the best. I feel like I can have a life now and a future with some lucky guy. I just need to figure out the best approach when trying to see if he has any interest in me. Before losing the weight , i meant before ever gaining the weight, I was very confident and did not consider that a man could possibly reject me.I hate rejection but I know it is a part of life. After i gained the weight and have now dealt with the self esteem issues, the dirty looks of people and the degradation of being obese, my confidence is at an all time low to zero. I am now insecure, and a little paranoid. I think he is worth the risk of rejection but can my fragile ego take it? i think once my health concerns are resolved, i can focus on my recovery and continue on my weight release journey.

Blueprint 4 Success

These things were taken form some magazine I read, either OXYGEN or FITNESS. The article was lengthier but here is what I took away from it.

• BELIEF: Self confidence is essential for developing the body you want and you won't be successful without it. Nothing is impossible
• VISION: Vision and belief goes hand in hand. Be Reasonable- vision is built upon a series of small steps which  include identifying goals and accepting what is necessary to achieve them.
• METHOD: THe process of achieving vision

As most of you that have checked into my blog lately know, I have been going through some struggles with motivation and confidence in myself and my ability to achieve my goals. I haven't been looking where I needed to look. I needed to look within an figure out why i started this journey and reassess if I was going to go forward or quit. Well, I am no quitter. My focus has been out of alignment but it is back now and I am back on track and on a mission to see this through til the end. I am down 69 pounds total since I started this a year ago. I am feeling more sexy and more confident. I have come into contact with several possible prospects but I am truly out of the game. I forgot how to work my equipment to get the response I want from them. It's funny, because I used to be the one so confident and it never crossed my mind that they were not going to play my game. As you get older, you realize, its not a game. I want more than i used to and I need more than a cute man with a low IQ. I need the full package but I keep meeting pieces to the puzzle. I think I may have met an attractive guy who may fit the bill but I am clueless as to how move forward and get him to notice me. I know he has looked at me with interest but the setting was not appropriate to explore it further. I am so out of pratice, he might have had an eyelash in his eye and I took it the wrong way.

Obesity Survivor

Admittedly, I was in a mood last night and I can honestly say that it hasn’t changed much. I still desire the same things except today, I have regained some perspective. I recently received a photo of the first day of my journey from a very good friend. I told her, “when I am acting crazy and speaking out of my head more than usual, send me those photos and she did. If you will take a look at my true beginning photo dated April 25th, 2007 or simply marked, “before” you can see what I had forgotten. I was huge. I guess that goes to how we see ourselves versus how others see us. My problem has been that I have a split view of me. As a younger woman, when I weighed 135-145lbs. I thought that I was fat because I did not have that little gap between my thighs. I worked so hard for that gap but without the true knowledge of my body and its limitation, I was working toward a fruitless endeavor. I was and I am an endo-mesomorph body type. I will never have that gap but I will have some killer legs, like Tina Turner did in her hay day. My body, at its best, is fierce and that is what I saw in the mirror when I looked. I saw the past and not the present. While being fat, I never saw the fat person I was wearing, until I saw those pictures. Body image is a bitch. I have always known and realize now more than ever, that Obesity is an illness, an addiction. It is a daily battle form which one never truly recovers. I have gained two pounds this week but it was expected because of my menses and my bad habits drop in motivation and exercise. I did lose inches in my waist and hips. The week was not a total bust. I am still looking for my Mr. Right in the NC or close thereabouts :)

Emotional and Excited

This week has been a bust in the food and exercise department. I have done minimally all around. I will be the first to admit that I have really been struggling this week. I am not going to blame or make any excuses because I have had the time just not the motivation. That has been a recurrent theme with me of late. I have spurts of intense motivation and drive then there are days where I’m like, WTF. I have spoken with my office mate who has been on this journey with me as well as one of her own and she is at the same cross roads. She has a lot more weight to lose than I do but she has really come a long way. I am so proud of her. My new food fetish is Edy's sorbet popsicles, preferably lime and popcorn. Eaten one is fine but going through the box in a day or so is not suggested. I guess I am turning to food to curb my loneliness. My son is about to go off to college and I am so very proud of him as well but that leaves me alone again. I want to get my life back but I am hard to get along with at times. I have very stringent standards and am hard pressed to change too much. I know that comes from past pain. The reluctance to budge on any issue is a problem for me. I can admit my insecurities. I recognize that I have a problem. I feel that at this time in my life, I do not want anyone who is going to offer a load of bullshit. I want some who can say, I just want sex from you and if I do not want the same, I can respectfully decline their offer and withdraw my interest. My time can be better spent on someone who has some personality outside of his sexual prowess and has some conversation. The reality of the situation is that once beauty fades, what is there? I want to like the person I lay down with at night. I want to be able to speak my mind and share other interest with my partner. Sex is a bonus not a right. I guess I have gone way off topic, but this is my blog and I will rant if I want too. I am an emotional being and clearly in touch with my feelings, sometimes to my own detriment.

What am I going to do when my bird leaves the nest? Getting laid for the first time in years was a thought. Reality sets in, then I rethink that, primarily because of the dangerous times we live in and the lessons I have taught my son. I want more than a sexual liaison. I want the real thing, a relationship. I know that is a dirty work to some, but call me old fashion. I want more than a ho-hum, fly by night love affair. I am not asking for anyone’s hand in marriage, I enjoy my freedom too much. I do want someone I can relate too on an intellectual level as well as a physical level. My friends have been trying to set me up and that has been really BAD. A good guy is not enough, there has to be physical attraction, compatibility and that spark that ignites passion instead of tolerance. I do not want to simply like my man because he can pay his bills and is independent. I want that passion, that fire that keeps burning. He can excite me with his intellect, his calmness, his demeanor, his smile, his humor and ability to laugh at himself as well as having a nice physique (NOT PERFECT but not huge either). He can put me in my place without being hurtful or demeaning and is self assured. If anyone knows him, send him to my blog. Race is not important:)