03/01/2009 07:41
Tears
I went shopping today. I have been trying to "revamp' my image today because the people closest to me gave me a wake up call. Because I have always been a size 12 and up, I have chosen clothes that fit rather than clothes that look the best. I was told that I am dressing like I am "old" and in clothes that are too big for me. So I decided to shake things up.
I got into the fitting room of my favorite store, tried on one outfit, and teared up. The scale says 159 but a 12 was a little tight. I literally cried. I swore to myself that I would never get close to a size 14 or 16 again. I am too close for comfort. I cried because I hate my body. Shopping is supposed to be fun and I couldn't even enjoy it. I stopped early because I was so disgusted. So... what am I going to do about it?
I begin sessions with the personal trainer on Monday. I have thrown out all harmful foods from my fridge and pantry. I have made it a point to do 30-40 min. of cardio a day for 3-5 days a week and 3 days of strength training.
I need some positivity here... I hate dwelling in negatives because it bogs me down. I need to stick to this.
02/22/2009 19:57
Derailed, but not accepting defeat.
So. I have definitely been MIA over the past week. I have had company staying with me and somewhat lost sight of my goal. I tried watched my portions and what I was eating but we went out to eat all week. It was difficult to stick to salads like I had intended. I was able to stick to only drinking water and making sure I had 5-6 small meals a day. Making sure those meals were balanced, however, was difficult. And, I just didn't exercise as much as I'd liked. I got really disappointed in myself for the derailment but it only lasted momentarily. I refuse to get knocked down because that's when I completely lose sight of my goals and fall off the truck.
I am beginning this week fresh. I am currently following a two week workout plan. I have not been able to stick to it consistently and I have gotten knocked off around Day 4 (sigh).
So, that being said, my goal for the next two weeks will be to stick to this plan with no excuses! I am not worried so much about numbers. the weight will come off when I stick to a cardio and strength training routine and keep up with strong eating habits. I put on some of my old clothes yesterday and felt better in them again. That reeeaaaallllyyy motivated me to keep going. I am excited! Here we go!
01/25/2009 05:38
Vision
At my heaviest, I have been 178 lbs. I swore to NEVER get close to that weight again. At 164, I am the closest I have been to that weight in just about 2 years. As I began to see the weight rise in the last year or so, I panicked and went on a series of 2-3 week stints where I exercised furiously and ate perfectly portioned meals. I grew frustrated after the third week when I saw tone, but no change in poundage. Defeated, I stopped.
I have been most successful in my weight loss when I have a clear vision and set a clear goal. That way, I don't get as frustrated along the way because I can always see the bigger picture. The big picture has just become clear to me. Instead of saying "I have to lose 20 pounds," I have created a goal that is linked to a health benefit and not just a number. I have read that losing 10 percent of your body weight can reduce health risks substantially. 10 percent of my weight is 16.4 lbs, which will take me to 147.6. That's only 7 away from my long term goal.
I have set my clear goal and I can see the big picture. I am absolutely going to make this happen. My life and health are my top priorities!
01/23/2009 03:18
Fed Up?
I had a conversation with my roommate today about being fed up. Complaining about weight and being FED UP with weight are two completely different things. I think that I keep telling myself, "Since you can still fit the 12's and you are not quite at a 14, you are ok..." so I go ahead and eat that extra serving of crackers or chicken. And then I look in the mirror later and feel disgusted.
I am fed up with my body looking this way. However, shouldn't I be fed up with the fact that I have never once looked in the mirror and liked my body? Shouldn't I be fed up with the fact that I always look at other women's bodies and compare mine to theirs? Shouldn't I be fed up with the fact that my confidence is linked very highly with my appearance?
Sigh. I am more than my weight! I hate that I find myself second guessing myself before I speak or am often uncomfortable meeting new people because 1. I am scared that they are judging me and sizing me up based on my appearance or 2. I will sound stupid.
I guess what I'm asking is: when do we really get fed up? And when do we recognize that we are getting fed up with the WRONG things?
lol... blogging really is therapeutic!!!
