Today is a new day, besides trying to work thru this pesky cold, I am feeling much better about life.
I received so many words of advice through here and my wonderful JC'ers on the message board. You guys are true sisters, always there to lend a hand.
Working 9-5, raising a 4 year old, managing a successful relationship and planning a 40K wedding is definitely not the easiest thing to do. I think I let my emotions get the best of me, when really all I needed to do was sit down with Kyle and discuss how I was feeling. I mean, he listened, agreed with what I was saying and totally sympathized...I felt like a horrible person for not trusting the person that he is. I never gave him a chance to tell me what he was feeling, I never gave him the chance to listen to what I was feeling.
He is a wonderful man, and I love him. This morning, I cry happy cries, that god gave me this amazing man who wants nothing in life but to make me happy. We will live a happy life, regardless of $$.
I will be happy once this wedding is over though, its been an added stress that I really didn't expect to have. I can only blame myself, being a perfectionist has its cost afterall! I do advise anyone getting married to hire a wedding planner!
Again, thanks to everyone who listened, who cared, and who shared their thoughts.
GRRRRR...not only do I need to vent, but I just wrote a half page and I accidently erased it. Is nothing going my way today?
So my venting really has nothing to do with weight loss. I'm just at a breaking point right now with life in general. The wedding is 88 days away, and although I have found myself to be extremely on top of things, I can't help but have high amounts of anxiety. In fact, when I think about the big day, my emotions get the best of me and I start crying.
The problem is, I can't tell if they are happy or sad cries:(
I guess my main problem is that my fiance doesn't see eye to eye with me on money situations. He is the passive "everything will be alright" where I am the more aggressive one. I don't want to live paycheck to paycheck for the rest of my life. I want to be successful and stable. I want to feel like I am one step ahead of the game versus always feeling like I need to catch up!
He wants to buy a house and have babies, I think its virtually impossible. HOW! I could not bring a baby into this world right now without feeling guilt all over for not being financially stable. He just thinks that love is all we need. As much as I love this man, love is not going to pay the bills, the mortgage, the food on our table.
How do I get him to understand this. His continuing exhibition of lack of responsibiity is tearing us apart at a time when we should be enjoying the "pre-marriage" life. Planning this wedding was supposed to be the most exciting time of my life, but its not. You know actually, I haven't really enjoyed anything having to do with planning this wedding. I mean, maybe I am just not the planning type- which is very possible, afterall when I go to get a haircut I basically put it all in my hairdressers hands as to what she does. I never have a plan and I hate deciding, so maybe thats why I have just hated the wedding planning. Yeah, maybe thats it- right?
So what should I do? I feel like my constant nagging of getting him to pay his bills and better himself is only going to push him away. He tells me to stay on top of him, but then I do and he gets mad that I am.
My Mom and Dad are tremendously successful people, they own 2 homes, 5 vehicles, a boat, 2 jet skis and have always been able to give me anything I've ever wanted. I guess I have always wanted to be like them, my goal in life was to be successful, and have a successful marriage. Sometimes I go to my Mom in tears, because I just feel like I'm always going to struggle, and she tells me that her and my dad were in the same boat as Kyle and I when they got married. I guess that gives me hope, but I desperately need to figure out what I need to light up under his butt to get him to start getting his stuff together. I can see he gets his passive behavior from his parents who are constantly playing catch up, always living paycheck to paycheck and can never enjoy anything without worrying about money first.
Then I think, what is wrong with me. I am too consumed in this money situation to think about whats really important, the fact that I am marrying my best friend. I try, ALL THE TIME, to remember that and to let the little things go. But the little things just keep on adding up to become bigger things- then I lose it, make him feel bad, myself feel selfish and horrible- and nothing really gets fixed.
I know money and responsibilities are huge issues with any relationship, enough to make many relationships go sour. I would never forgive myself if I let that happen to Kyle and I. I have found someone who loves me, no matter what, he loved me 40 pounds ago, he would have loved me 80 pounds more, he is good to my son, and has huge admiration for my family. I want to enjoy my life with him and be with him until death do us part.
My question is: Does love really outweigh all the other pressures in a relationship?
Are the days just flying by to anyone else...I mean GEEZ! I feel like if I close my eyes for 2 seconds, when I open them it will be Christmas time!
2 of my best friends got engaged to eachother this past weekend, so I am overwhelmed with happiness for them both. They have been together for 7 years (10th grade of HS) and I know SHE has been waiting for this day for a long time...he just simply said "Okay give me a week to let what I just did sink in before we start talking about plans" AHHH men, that statement sounds all to familiar. He is now looking to a year of "yes dear, whatever you want honey, that sounds great!" HAHA I love it:)
Today marks the day of an overwhelming next few months. I just looked at my calendar and this weekend starts the beginning of 3 months of packed full weekends. I'm excited for all the fun, but at some point I am going to wear down. grrrr.
After dancing around it for the past month, I finally got to half way this morning. AHHHHH....is it crazy that I feel a sense of relief? I know its just halfway, and that I have a whole 36 pounds more to go, but now that I have gone over that initial hump, I'm ready to go.
I'm no where near where I want to be, but another part of me feels like, well I've lost the 36 (pretty much got me to Pre-Kyle weight) and now every pound from here on out is a bonus.
Anywho, I guess if I had to walk down the aisle tomorrow, I would still be pretty disappointed because I know that I can do better. The dress fitting is in less than 2 months, I want to be down at least another 10- but another 15 would be amazing.
The months are just flying by, May is here- I really need time to just slow down a little, preferably on the weekends and NOT during the weeks hehee.
My Apologies for Not Informing You All of the Unfortunate...
A few have asked how dear Jessica was doing, and I am sorry to report that she passed away the same night I posted that blog. Her family was strong and united during the horrible time in their lives, Jessica would have been proud of how brave they were.
Its a sad situation, I don't know how I would have handled something like that. Cameron is my life, I couldn't imagine it without him.
Thanks for all of your well wishes and prayers- you all are wonderful.
Well, had another training session last night at the gym, this time back and tripceps. Now its official that every single muscle in my upper body is throbbing. Oh well, that must mean its working!!! I lost 2 pounds at my weigh in this morning, what a good feeling...especially since I had hit such a long plateau.
Today my boss really pissed me off. I always weigh in wearing my same sweats every week...I like to be consistent with what I wear for the scale. Well, I had forgotten my slacks for work, and instead of going all the way home, I found a pair of nice jeans in a bag in my car and decided I would wear those today. She told me that she didn't believe me and sent me home. Unbelievable. I was very upset, not so much that I had to go home, but more so because she didn't believe me. I have no reason to lie to her, and quite frankly her judging my character really makes me wonder why I am an employee of hers.
On another note, I am going to enjoy a chipotle treat today. I know I know, not good...but on the contrary it was taste so good. I am going back to the gym tonight, I'll make up for this tasty treat I promise.
Its been a crazy couple of weeks. I was in a life insurance class all last week, the week before so busy at work that I couldn't breathe...and this week has gone by so fast its a blur. Today the boss is out, and I can have a little down time at the office.
Yesterday I began working out again, I have to be faithful to it. I'll admit that I fell off the wagon, and even though I haven't had any weight gain, I haven't had any loss either. I started my workout yesterday by doing some light weight/more reps weight training...I'm expecting the scale to go up before it starts going back down. I have to prep myself for this, because its usually the scale going up that frusterates me and leads me to quit. This time I am not quitting, the scale can kiss my ass:)
The wedding planning is about done, can you believe it? Ugh SO many things done, I feel so ahead of the game. Now its just left to meeting with the vendors and talking specifics, which I probably won't do until June. I have 4 months to lose another 20-25 pounds, I know I can do this! I would like to be down another 10 by Memorial Day which is less than 2 months away, bathing suit season ya know! It is no longer a goal but a MUST that I hit halfway at next Fridays weigh in. Time to get serious.
Prayers go out to a family friend, Jessica, who just recently went into the ICU for viral meningitis. After a few days of fighting the virus, she has suffered severe brain damage and currently does not have any brain activity.
Anyone with children knows that this is a terrible ordeal, and no one should have to go through this. To all of Jessica's family, my heart goes out to you.
I saw Jessica on Saturday, she was beautiful. Seemed quite healthy, happy and I think thats the reason why this is so hard to believe. It really makes you realize how quickly life can change.
Hold close to the ones you love for you will never know when their time will be up.
After spending the weekend at my families new rivah house, working my butt off painting, cleaning and what not...its back to crunch time and really working to get these pounds off. If anything, its bathing suit time in 3 months, I could possibly be 30 pounds lighter if I stick to my avg 10 lbs monthly...I can do it, I will do it!
The marathon is in less then 4 weeks away and I'm in no way ready, tonight its run, tomorrow its run...run run run until I am prepared to run that 8K!!!
I had a long talk with myself this morning, stick to the plan...water water water, no treats, no alcohol, exercise.
I have overwhelming support from my JC messagers, my Mom told me I looked better than I have in awhile, people notice...I need to give them something to notice more.
