Searching for a bike
Exercise comes without being called. I started writing it down whenever I go out walking. I had a good deal with Curves so am trying this out. First session went very well. I didn't feel too tired. I felt good. It felt good to be working out.
I spent half the day to shop for a lightweight bike that will be fun to bike with. I can't wait until I start though. It feels so good to feel the wind in my hair and have fun while doing excercise.
RV with Significant Other
Yesterday, I asked my SO (significant other) about his doubts concerning our relationship. One of the reasons he had the courage to tell was my weight. 60 lb in 1 year in our relationship is a lot but I didn't think it mattered to him (A lot of the girls he was with before and his friends are curvy or round).
I cried. It hurt to know that your SO has difficulty accepting that I may not go back to the weight I was when we met. What frightens me is that he believes that everyone will stay at the same weight their whole lives, even with pregnancies and hormones and stress and menopause etc. etc. etc.... thrown in the mix. Pregnant women are beautiful (that's what he tells me). But it still hurt me.
We talked it over today with another person. She asked him if could accept if I never go back down. Answers vague. But he says he still loves me and finds me beautiful and it would be a reason to break up. His actions speak more than his words at this time. He has less desire for me and says less compliments. Is it because of the weight gain or is it just relationship age? But these are something we need to improve on.
Action plan. I am working on myself anyways and have been for a year. I do not wish to remain at the weight I am now in the long term but am giving myself time to heal, to increase my self esteem and also to find myself sexy and beautiful at the weight I am now. I cannot wait until I am 160 pds to find myself sexy.
Good news. I went diving on the weekend and whoever said diving wasn't a sport never had to carry downhill AND uphill your twice-50pounds of gear. The first dive was stressful (it was the first one of the year) and there as an advanced class kind of pushing us to go fast. I hated that. Dive lasted 20 min and I didn't feel like doing the 2nd dive after. Mainly because I had taken off my wetsuit and didn't want to put it back on. But the 2nd day I had promised to complete two dives and I did it! My way, not someone's elses. I kept my wetsuit on and did not wait 3 hours like yesterday. I listened to myself even though my buddy couldn't find someone else to dive with and kept trying to change my mind for 1h00. I am glad I asserted myself to him. I wouldn't have had fun anyways. Water at 2 Celsius is coooold! lol
Diving is my exercise for now. I start super slow. I wish I would be able to just start walking like I used to. I was in the army for 6 years! And now I've lost everything or mosre likely gained everything (like 80lbs). I kind of wish I had my cardio back. When I think about all the effort I did to get to 160lbs and now only two years after I stopped I gained it all and more back. Ca me fait chier!!!!!
There's only one way onwards now. I will do it on my own time (mustnot forget that). That's the main reason I wanted a blog. To give me a place to liberate my frustrations but also to catalogue my journey. My goal is to attain one year (already doing weekly posts is hard for me lol :
So back to diving. I'm all over the place. But at least I looove it! And exercising is hard enough when you hate to do it. I want to choose something I love to do. Diving makes me want to be more in shape. But there is still some issues and bad thoughts I have that prevent me from exercising.
Peeve #1: People looking at me while I am exercising (I know I shouldn't care what people think but...)
Peeve #2: I feel my fat jiggling (lol I like how I can say that online)
Peeve #3: Using I am tired as an excuse (I am tired because I am not exercising. And I know it makes me feel good afterwards but...)
Grrrrr! Eventually it will get better (with the exercise part). First step I took was to actually write about it. I should start praying so I can get some help and maybe get a social worker (Maison de la famille) to help me psychologically because those thoughts are REALLY preventing me from starting to exercise when I know it would be the single habit that could help me the most right now. HELP!!!!!
I'm trying to do posts 1 per week. I am not constant usually but am gradually building aequilibrium. This week I concentrated on feeling my hunger and ONLY eating when I am hungry. I am actually surprised by how little it takes to fill me up. I didn't want to accept that a toast with creton can get me until 2 pm with a snack. I am gradually learning to listen to my hunger but it is not always easy.
I don't want to be a perfectionnist. The last time I tried to have everything perfect, to follow a diet plan, to do 3x per week exercise, it didn't work. So right now, I am choosing the easiest thing to do each week and trying out a goal for 3 weeks straight in order for it to become a habit.
To date, I have gained two habits: drinking as much water as possible per day (min. 1.5L) and working gradually up and incorporating 1 fruit/day and vegetables at every supper or diner. Eventually I want to drink 2L per day (even on weekends) and have vegetables at every meal.
So it is a work in progress and I hope to tackle my exercise habit soon since it is my sworn enemy. Also, this month as a fun goal, I want to take sexy photos of myself. My self-image is taking its tole hard and I want to remind myself that I can be curvy and sexy....