I was suppose to write this blog last night to recap my day, however, I was so tired I couldn't muster it. So, here it is now.
You know you have an addiction problem when....
...there is a voice inside your head that is literally SCREAMING "MCDONALD'S!!! TACO BELL! PIE! DOUGHNUTS! FRUIT JUICE!! PIZZA PIZZA PIZZA!!!" as you walk down the aisles at a grocery store trying to figure out what to have for dinner.
...when you stand in front of the doughnut case in the bakery for 10 mins - no joke, 10 mins - taking a step back, walking 2 steps away, coming back, repeating this insanity over and over again while staring at the baked goods in the case DESPERATELY wanting to grab them and gobble them immediately.
....when, as you're walking away from the doughnut case with NOTHING in hand, you are overcome with anguish and annoyance and are throwing a mini temper tantrum internally because you can't have what you want.
...when you put back the frozen pizza you desperately want and curse the whole world because you have to do so.
....when even as you left the grocery store with a meal in mind that you will be cooking for dinner, you plot out where you are and mentally map out how quickly it would be for you to get to McDonald's for a quick whatever.
....when you take a bite of your baked potato 4oz chopped steak and loathe the taste because you know you could be having a Big Mac right now...
*SIGH*
Internally, I felt like I had been in a UFC fight. I'm battered and bruised and my brain is royally upset, which then makes the rest of my body feel like screaming from the pain. But you know what? I did good. I did real good. And if it wasn't for this blog and my support from Ally, I would have done bad. Real bad. Here's the good things that I did yesterday:
1. Had multi-grain waffles for breakfast with NO butter, and portioned out 3 tablespoons of syrup to use, rather than squirting it all over and allowing it to soak up into the waffle, thus using more. in fact, I dipped the waffle pieces into the syrup - and I had about a tablespoon left over.
2. Chugged water - 24 oz in between breakfast and lunch
3. Took the last cookie from the kitchen and brought it to my desk with the intention of eating it. It sat on my desk for 20 mins. I kept staring at it. Suddenly, instead of eating it like I wanted to, I crumpled it up and threw it in the trash. I didn't need it.
4. For lunch I brought in 2 lean pockets. Before nuking both of them, I barcode scanned the box and found that just 1 lean pocket was 7 points - have you seen a lean pocket?? They aren't filling. For 7 points I can eat a chicken breast, a bowl of fruit, a side salad and bag of WW pretzel chips and STILL have points left over to use...so I only heated up one, since that was what I brought, and ate all the fruit I brought with me.
5. The grocery store - oh my gosh. I thought I was going to have an episode because I was hungry...and i was in a grocery store...but i managed to keep it together. I put the frozen pizza back, opted against getting the doughnuts, chose not to buy the bagels (10 points for 1 plain dry bagel! NO thank you!) and spent 1 hour walking around in there so that was exercise / movement. Maybe not so much exercise, but I would probably guarantee that I would have been sitting in front of the tv during that hour rather than up walking, soo...i'll take that.
6. Filled up my huge water bottle with ice water before I went to bed and drank it all before i feel asleep...yes, I had to pee in the middle of the night, but I was hydrated properly!
7. Opened my refrigerator and saw cadbury eggs and recees peanut butter eggs staring at me (boyfriend's indulgences). I didn't even consider it - I never had one!
8. I wrote down everything I ate yesterday - everything! Which is a HUGE deal in WW.
Noticeably, my list of good is longer yesterday! I was so proud of myself. Was I perfect?? No...there are a few things I wish I could have stricken from my record, but I feel I did more good than bad and that's important.
The goal of this blog was to showcase all the positive things I've done today, rather than focus on all the bad things I have done. Given the fact that I have weighed in tonight and found I gained another 1.4lbs, it will be extremely difficult to see the silver lining in my dark cloud, but I will give it a try.
What I did good today:
1. For lunch I intentionally brought a bag of WW brand dijon pretzel chips and a bag of grapes. That's what I had. Nothing else. 2. Though I was starving and fast food tempted me like no other, I drove past all the chains and went home instead before my weigh in. I felt the wretch in my stomach as I said no to them all...it hurt. 3. During my meeting I downed an entire bottle of ice cold water. I needed water badly today and i wasn't able to drink much at all.
This list is small, but then I've been so busy today that I haven't had a chance to eat or plan. I will admit, my dinner choice wasn't ideal, but I won't focus solely on what i did wrong. I will instead wipe the tears away from my eyes and remind myself that tomorrow is another day, tomorrow I have the opportunity to make right all that I did wrong, and tomorrow I have the ability to tell all my cravings and addictions to beat it.
Everybody knows how difficult it is to lose weight. The will power quickly diminishes, discouragement abounds, walking up those flights of stairs looks about as welcoming as getting dysentery and food poisoning, all at the same time, and the never-ending throw down, knock out, bully-on-bully fist fight that's going on in your head about what or what not to eat is enough to make one throw their hands up and walk away from losing weight all together. Life was simpler when we could shove McDonald's and 4 slices of pepperoni pizza down our gullets.
But the reality is this: every single french fry, every ounce of Mt Dew, every slice of pecan pie that we have consciously and eagerly swallowed has joined forces in universal mutiny against us - we are killing ourselves. Its a slow burn...it starts off as a slower paced walk here, a huff and a puff there, next thing you know you're losing feeling in your upper thigh because the fat is starting to cut off circulation of you blood, your hair is falling out and your skin, at age 31, resembles that of a 16 year old adolescent. Is this really living? Is this what happiness is?
God no.
So how do you change it? As with most obstacles to overcome, it all starts in the mind; your thinking, your discouraging comments, your constant determination of blaming and cursing yourself for a job well f***ked up rather than a job well done. A very very dear and wonderful friend of mine suggested something ingenious - instead of focusing solely on all the incessant sin I had commit throughout the day, how about I focus on all the GOOD i did instead, and then see how I feel about myself then. So, here it goes:
Things I did today that were good: 1. I had a banana 2. I had 2 24 oz bottles of water instead of opting for a soda 3. I had a low calorie lunch of 6 pts (WW) and didn't stray from that 4. Stared at a bowl of Tootsie rolls and tootsie pops all day long and didn't grab one all day
Is the list of demonic acts longer than my angelic ones? Probably. But I don't care about that so much right now. I made good choices in between all the bad and that counts for something. Instead of a banana I could have had candy. Instead of water I could have drank the rest of my Coke from last week. Instead of my grilled chicken lunch i could have ran to McDonalds like other coworkers were doing today. I made good decisions and I should pat myself on the back for that, because I not of, then my day would have been way worse.
To begin a better life, we have to make our brain better. We have to train it to think positively, to snatch up the negative, self-destructive thoughts and squash them right at the get-go. Otherwise, we are dooming ourselves and placing our success smack dab in the middle of the refuse pile.
It has literally been months since I've walked away from my Weight Watchers meeting feeling elated - but last night I broke that slump. I ended up with a 4.6 lb weight loss this week. Ohh I was so happy! Of course, I didn't think I had even come close to that. I assume the worst, no matter how hard I worked my body or how diligent I was at tracking. Usually though, the news at the scale with surprise me in a good way, as it did last night.
It is so easy to get off track - even after hearing good news like that. My first instincts are to get relaxed since I did so well. It literally is shocking to me how quickly my mind and my will power wants to plummet. But I've tried to stay focused. I wrote down everything I've eaten today, every thing I've drunk, and all that I've nibbled on - and tomorrow my plan / goal is to make it to the gym after work and get a good hour or two in at the gym, this of course combining some cardio and the pool. I am a fanatic about the pool.
My highest weight loss was 45lbs - i have since gained back twelve, but after last nights weigh in, i have 8 more to go before I'm back at 45 lbs - this is my mini goal. I hope I can knock those out in the next two weeks. Please Lord, give me the strength and the will power to accomplish my goals!!
My last post was back in July 2011 - I have gained 3 lbs back (well, technically, I lost a total of 45 lbs, then gained back 12) because I have severely lost focus. So much so that I have had the worst time trying to get myself motivated to start over. I have to literally PUSH myself to make it to the gym. I pout like a child just THINKING of driving over there and going inside. I get upset internally because my body is BEGGING me to stop at fast food or order pizza, but my brain is furious at me for thinking it. It's the worst internal struggle I have ever felt and I wish so badly that I can finally get to a point in my life where I don't need to worry about forcing myself to get to a gym or to get up a take a walk - I want it to be second nature. I wish I was born with that kind of determination.
So i've been to the gym a few times this week but i'll have to admit, i didn't really put my all into it. Where I should have done 30 mins on the treadmill, i did 15. Where I should have walked the track a few times after the treadmill, I went home. WHen I should have met my friend WIllie there like we talked about, I hit snooze on my alarm and told him I overslept. Ughh. I hate my laziness with a passion. But today was different. I pushed myself. No, I didn't want to go - I never want to go. But once I was there I was ok. I did 20 mins on the treadmill, walk a few times around the track, willie made me run a little bit - not much, I suck at running right now! - and then we did the bike together for 15 afterwards - I liked that. THEN I went in the pool for 30 mins and did laps in the current channel. Im not sure how many i did. So i was at the gym doing activity today for 1 1/2 hours. I was proud of myself and i plan on doing the same thing tomorrow and monday if they are open. Now all i need to do is get a routine going with this. Make it a habit, do some sort of activity every single day for 30 mins at least.
I just feel like I'm never going to be skinny. Ok, skinny isn't even what I want, I want to be thinner. I don't want to have to shop at the plus size stores anymore. I don't watn to have to worry about shoes that dont fit or clothes that aren't long enough. I don't want to lose my breath walking up a flight of stairs at school. I don't want to continue being unhappy :( I feel so ugly. So so so ugly. And now my self image problem about my body is flowing into my self image problem about my face. I just don't feel like I am pretty anymore. Yes, I've always been overweight, but there was a point in time where I felt like I was pretty though, regardless of my fluffy body. Now, however, I don't feel that at all. I think I need a couple of good weeks at the scale to help build my morale. Thank goodness for my support. Although I don't really feel like i have that outside of my WW meetings and online. But that's ok!
My goal has always been to lose 10 lbs a month. That way, in a year's time, I will have lost 120 lbs! That would be fantastic - can you even imagine how different I would look if I lost that much?? I keep finding that this has been a challenge for me though - me losing 10lbs a month, so maybe I should lower it. I hate to do that...ok, maybe I won't just yet. If I lost 120 lbs this year that would put me at 203 lbs. A weight I haven't been at in forever. And its still overweight, but I would be completely different person. Completely different. Even if i got down to 250.
So I hope I will keep my focus this time. I have to. It's almost like life or death. I can't stand my life and how unhappy I am and I just want things to change. So I raise my glass of water to the sky and pray God will give me the focus and determination I need to shed these awful, debilitating pounds.
Last night I had an amazing weight loss. I lost 4.2 lbs and FINALLY met my 10% goal. That's phenomenal. I have now reached a grand total of 37 lbs lost and I'm so happy about that. That's a lot! I have a ton more to go though and that's what sits in the back of my brain while everyone high--fives me and pats me on the back. Soooooo much more to go......
So I had a magnificent weight loss and left the meeting pumped, walking on air and ready start a whole other week. When BAMMMMMMMM...I join friends for dinner in the evening and down 2 margaritas, 1/2 an appetizer of FRIED CHEESE and a loaded baked potato. THEN, today.....seriously??? Too much shame to mention. I don't understand that. I left extremely uplifted and motivated....what happened? How'd I turn glutonous so quickly?? Do I do this because I feel I am partially entitled to indulge myself after such a victory?? Is that a brain defect?? or just incredibly insufficient will power? Either way...I let myself down for a total of 24 hours. Now, I need to stay focused the rest of the week. I can do this! I have it in me to stay focused, i know it!
I'm apart of a little group on facebook called "shriniin' mammas". It's a private group made up of weight watchers people, some of which I've met and go to meetings with, some of which live very far from me. That group along with this blog, have been great instruments of encouragement for me. One girl in particular in that group came to the meeting last night. We sat down together and were discussing who horrible or great or mediocre we did that week and she saw the disappointment on my face. She point blank said to me "It's ok. You're going to track this week." I said I know, I will. She said "NO. You are going to track this week." lol I know what she meant. We all do it. We all write have the intentions of tracking but then somewhere along the lines we end up not doing it. Sounds like a dumb, tedious thing to do but in all honesty, tracking what you eat, and I mean EVERYTHING that you put into your mouth, works. You only have a certain amount of points. If you don't keep track of it all, you're bound to go over, thus creating weight gain, not weight loss. And she lost 3 lbs this week doing nothing but strict tracking. If she can do it, i most certainly can do it, too.
So, that's my goal this week. Tracking like a mad woman and getting in at least 2 days of 1 mile a day walking. Seems like a good, achievable goal to me.
Ok, so I gained a teensey bit this week... .8lbs. That's not even a full pound. And after the entire week of eating anything and everything, I think gaining that is not only merited but shocking. I guess this was a week of "I just don't care". I didn't do any exercising, I didn't follow that closely to my points...I was just a wreck this week. And I don't really know why. I don't know where my lack of motivation is coming from. Laziness? Perhaps. That makes complete sense. I'd opt for sitting in front of the couch watching movies over taking a walk any day. Again...my desire for that switch to be flipped inside my brain that prevents me from finding even walking unbearable pangs my insides so badly. What is it going to take for me to start moving??
Well, and this is going to sound like a list of excuses, but, I do have a pinched nerve in my back. It's been horrendous. I have practically doubled over in pain because of this back problem. Walking is uncomfortable, driving is more uncomfortable, getting up from my chair at work is the absolute worst. The only time i feel relief is when I'm lying down or, of course, exercising in the pool. I've noticed when I get my body moving and doing something strenuous or exercise related, it doesn't hurt so bad. Maybe that's my brain transferring the pain from my brain and me focusing on something else. I don't know. So knowing that I feel a little better while exercising should be motivation enough, right? Ha. No. It's not.
But then I go to my meeting, I get weighed, I see how I'm either maintaining or gaining, even if it is slightly, and I get upset and annoyed with myself because this is NOT what I am paying for. I am paying to get the tools and the motivation to shed this fat from my body and I'm getting all that from Weight Watchers, but I'm deliberately being defiant. And for what?? Because I don't want to?? Because I'm tired? Because this is too hard? Seriously?? I had a ball packing on the pounds, didn't I?? How dare I assume this wouldn't be a cake walk. How dare I try to sabotage myself for the sake of just "I don't want to". Ugh. I may be hard on myself, that's what my friends say all the time, but the thing is I know who I am and what I can accomplish. I KNOW i have it in me to beat the hell out of this obesity and get to a healthy, amazing weight. I sit here and fantasize about how different and awesome my life would be once I reach my goal weight and I want it so bad. SOooooooo bad.
So here's my goal for the week: I am going to track precisely all week. And I vow to get at least 2 days of walking in. Fingers crossed for a good week. So far, I'm starting it off good. Good foods in my belly (oatmeal, bananas, water), good motivating blog (this one) and a good, positive attitude.
I'm sitting here, looking over my weight tracker and realized that in 8 weeks - that's 2 months - I've only managed to lose 5 lbs. 5 lbs. That's it.
*SIGH*
I'm so annoyed with myself. Why do I keep doing this? At this point in time I want nothing more in life right now than to lose weight. And yet, I'm sabotaging myself left and right, preventing myself from reaching my goals. I don't get it. I don't get me. I don't understand why I have the this intense hatred for getting up off the couch and moving. Last night was absolutely beautiful and I CHOSE not to go outside and take a walk. WWWHHHHYYY???? I don't care if I'm hard on myself - I have to be, apparently, or else I do nothing. What is it really going to take for me to get motivated and serious????
I'm sorry, blog. I'm just so disgusted with my laziness I can't even think straight. There's no excuse for it. And I refuse to be satisfied with the bare minimum here. I shouldn't have only lost 5 lbs in 2 months. That's absolutely ridiculous. So today starts a new day and I'm glad beyond words that I blogged this because I let my anger flow and now I'm ready to start this day on the right foot. I cross my fingers and pray to God that I stick steadfastly to my food tracker and not let one thing enter my lips without writing it down. And I pledge to get some sort of activity in this entire week as well. Even if it's 89 degrees outside at 6pm, Im still going to take a walk. I have to, or else I'll stay 322 lbs for the rest of my life and OMG I'm sooooooo sick of seeing that number. I'm so tired of nothing fitting and not being able to shop at stores with normal sizes and Im tired of seeing cute clothes that I would die to wear but can't bc they don't make my size and I'm soooo soooo sooooo sick of being unhappy. Why aren't these reasons enough for me??
Last night I went to my WW meeting and found I lost 4.4 lbs for the week!! Excited??? OMG you have no idea!!!! I was excited, my leader seemed even more excited than me, in the meeting room the rest of the WW people were proud of me...it was a good night.
What worked for me this week?? See this is where it gets complicated. In my last blog I mentioned (I think) that on the day of last week's weigh in I had gone to lunch with a co-worker kinda late in the day and had a huge heavy meal - which was completely ridiculous of me to do on a weigh-in day especially but anyway... - so I really think a lot of why I gained anything was because that food was still in my stomach. I don't think this is the entire reason, but I feel it may have been an accomplice. In my retaliation of gaining, I chose not to work out this week - bc as we all know, refusing to exercise is the ticket to losing weight. NOT. I did, however, try harder than I ever have before to track down everything properly. EVERYTHING. So minus the exercise, the tracking helped me. Plus the digestion of a heavy lunched helped. But can you imagine if I had actually gotten up and moved and exercised how much more I would have lost??
Can't think about that now though. I have to carry on, head held high, hunger pangs in check, cravings under lock and key and my impulses towards bad foods under strict surveillance. I want a loss at the scale every week. It's important to me, it's important to my health and to my body.
Goal for this week: Get to the park at least 4 times and walk at least 1 mile each day.
