I'm thinking about running. And for once I'm not speaking
symbolically. I literally, in every sense of the word, DESPISE exercise.
Hate it. Even the word "exercise" makes me a little angry inside.
Internally and externally I roll my eyes, panic and deep-seated
displeasure coursing through my veins. What do you mean, exercise?? You
mean you want me to move? You're kidding, right? To put on a workout
outfit (or any variation of it) and walk myself outside to do anything
exercise related makes my stomach heave. I loathe the winded breath, the
shallow breathing, my heart beating so hard that I just know it's going
to explode out of my chest...I can't stand all that. So they say, do
something active that you love, that way it doesn't feel like
exercising. Ok. I have narrowed that down to 2 things: swimming and
volleyball. And I haven't played volleyball in 15 years. So there's
swimming...which i absolutely love, but have very limited access to.
I've already made the decision to ramp up the access to the pool - I
love it that much. But I need something else...and since I can't afford a
treadmill or a stepper or any of those other high-tech, expensive,
contraptions, nor can I really afford the gym, then running / walking is
my only option. Running makes me want to vomit, though, just thinking
about it. That's worse than walking. Or is it? Neither one look very
attractive right now. But I have to do something, I have to move because
unfortunately, the day has come: I can no longer conduct a very
sedentary lifestyle and expect to lose weight. It just ain't gonna
happen, sista. And the more you sit - bored and tired - the more apt you
are to choosing awful, sabotogal eating mistakes. Especially if you're
not good at dieting to begin with. In every single weight loss story I
read or hear, the party involved dropped the pounds by running. By power
walking. By MOVING. They embraced a very dark, menacing, and laborious
task of getting up and being determined to FINALLY make their fat melt
away. Every time I read a miracle story I half cringe, half turn green
with envy. And then I realize - they all have a common factor involved:
I have to be honest with myself. My need to be healthy
and normal, my desire to be able to fit into clothes and shoes with
ease, my desperation to have children and have a husband and a wonderful
life is a far more a greater thing to me than the pain and anguish i
will endure during the first week of getting out there and exercising.
So what's the hold up? What's stopping me?
Me. I'm stopping me.
running out of time. I always thought the concept of the ticking
biological clock was a ridiculous metaphor for a woman seeking to have
children in a timely manner....but I have learned that that expression
not only holds a great amount of truth, but it's so incredibly accurate
that I feel like the ticking is a part of me. I can hear it...gnawing at
my brain, reminding me that time is running out...soon, the window of
opportunity will be sealed shut and the thing you most desire will be
the one thing you will never have unless you do something about this
now. My doctor the other day reiterated to me what I and countless other
doctors have told me...as soon as you lose the weight, the sooner your
body will makes good things happen. There's no magical pill, there's no
surgery, there's nothing that can help make everything right unless I am
mentally in the game and physically willing to go through with it.
so here I am, waves of determination swirling and splashing within my
mind. I am going to start running. And hopefully, in the process, the
things I most desire will jog alongside with me.
Today is a brand new day. I am DETERMINED this week to stick to my calorie limit and drink more water than I ever have. And swim. It's so hot outside that the last thing I want to do is be out in it, but if i have to, then swimming is the way I will do it. Burning calories while having fun! Yay!
Anyway, I consciously sabotaged myself all weekend. I will not go into detail what I did, for I hang my head in shame as I write this already, however, let me just say that thanks to the myfitnesspal app, I had to pick myself up off the floor last night once I logged everything in. My GOD! And the sad part? I don't feel like I overate. But in calories, I consumed enough to sustain 5 people for an entire day. That's just ridiculous, how dare I. So this week I will redeem myself. And I will work on my will power, for I understand how weak I am but I also understand how strong I am. And when I want something bad enough, I will get it.
In this anyway.
In my haste this morning I brought nothing with me to work today for lunch - so I'm thinking subway is in order, which is good, because I can get something less caloric there. What I need to do is hang out with my friends who are on a serious path to weight loss and who are determined and gung-ho and are showing results already and are not stopping. That's what I need. I have those people in my life...now I need to utilize them. My one friend, though I love her to death, is all talk and no action. She's quick to berate or degrade herself because of her weight but when it comes right down to it, she doesn't do anything to correct it. And because of my weakness and lack of will power, I cave right along with her. I spend a great majority of my downtime with her so I have two options: keep her an arm's length away or insist on healthy eating when we are around each other. I like option 2 better, but it's the hardest.
Anyway, good luck to all - good luck to me - here's hoping that the end of this week proves some poundage lost =)
Susanne Eman - the woman who is aspiring to be 1600lbs =(
I blog on Xanga for regular journal writing and keep my extrapounds for my weight loss journaling. Sometimes, however, I blend the two worlds and end up mentioning my weight loss woes and worries on my Xanga. Not a big deal because the only people that seem to read my xanga blog are my 2 friends that are members on their as well, but that's it. And they both are struggling with losing weight also. Anyway, I'll get to the point. One random woman posted a blog article about a woman in AZ who is aspiring to be the fattest bride in the world; she wants to be 1600 lbs. WANTS TO BE! Her wedding dress is already calling for 45 yrds of fabric...I was floored when I read this article. And angry. And devastated. Her name is Susanne Eman. Maybe you've heard of her? She was on Dr. Phil. Upon researching her further, I found out that she consumes 30,000 calories a day on average, her fiance is a chef who cooks for her and prepares a lot of her highly caloric meals, and while on Dr. Phil, she got weighed and found that instead being the nearly 800 lbs she thought she was, she actually weighed in at 541 lbs - and was highly upset by it!
I stop here to heave a heavy sigh. All of us on this site are dying to lose the weight, but this woman is desperately trying to pack it all on. It's just so sad to hear. Obviously, this woman has some kind of mental / emotional / psychological issues that she needs help with, and I don't say this to be rude; I truly believe that in order to feel disappointed that you have lost over 200lbs by accident or to say in complete assurance that the bigger you get the more happier you feel is a clear sign that something just isn't right. She states in the interview that she wants to stand out, that she feels special being at a weight that no one else is because it sets her apart from everyone else. And it is in this that she revels in her fame, But I believe that that right there is the essence of her issues: she struggles with feeling loved and accepted and valued, therefore she has taken a very miserable, very fatal situation and turned it, in her mind, into something to aspire to - it's a goal she knows she can reach and in that she will be vindicated. All eyes will be on her, she will be in the spotlight and she will finally feel like she's being seen.
My god, I just want to shake her until the sense rolls in. She said on her website that she's always known she's wanted to be fat...and when she did research online about SSBBW's (which im sad to say i have no idea what that acronym means) she became giddy and excited because this is something she wanted to do. Did I mention she has two children?
I watched snippets of her story on Dr. Phil's website, and read her website. She agreed at the end of the show to get help...in the end her family - who have been staunch defenders and supporters of her weight gain mission - changed their tune and wanted her to get help for this and to start trying to lose weight. That was at the end of May when the story aired - I have no idea how serious the decision was or if she's done anything to try to begin the process, but my goodness I hope so. This is such a foreign concept to me. I am disgusted with my body in more ways than one and want desperately to remove the weight from my bones...but this girl wants more. I truly truly truly hope she convinces herself that she is worth more than what she thinks she is and decides to get healthy - including getting emotional and psychological help. She is absolutely killing herself - it's a slow suicidal process, but a person's body can only handle so much. Good luck to her.
Doc Results and Brain Pestering
Well I went back to the doctor today to go over my blood work results and to deal with the BP stuff - turns out I'm not bad! My thyroid and my kidneys and liver are all really good. My cholesterol is good, but the HDL is a little low, so I'll prob look into take fish oil supplements maybe. He did say it looks as if I might be pre-diabetic, but i knew that anyway because I have PCOS - I'm insulin resistant. All in all i'm ok, but because my blood pressure refuses to go down - that's because I refuse to work on getting it down - I am now having to take BP medicine that I start tomorrow morning. Ugh. I know, half the world is on it, but I know the reason I am on it is because my weight is causing it. So we'll see how it goes. He said to come back in 6 months and we'll check everything all over again and see where we are and maybe by that point I won't have to be on the pills anymore. So that means I have 6 months to shed some major weight. I don't want to have to take medications for being fat, bc that sort of thing is very avoidable.
So, here I am again. Determined in my mind about losing weight, but the thought of having to deny myself what i want to eat and actually getting up and doing exercise makes my stomach clench with fear. Oh my goodness when is my brain going to stop doing this to me??? Better yet, when am I going to stop letting my brain do this to me?? I pour over these blogs crying and pouting and complaining about how much my life sucks and how much I hate my body and how much I can't stand the medical problems that are developing relating to my weight and yet I do nothing to try to correct it. I think about it: it's a constant drumming in my brain, a minute by minute reminder - yes, I am very much aware of my problem and my brain makes sure I know I have an issue to deal with. I just wish i would stop beating myself up mentally over this and start DOING something about it!
The good thing that has come of this is in the past 2 weeks I haven't gained any weight, I've stayed the same. And I also downloaded the MyFitnessPal app on my phone and i've been using it every day, although at nighttime I'm awful at recording everything I ate for dinner...especially since I've been coming home and basically snacking on this and that and not having a real dinner. I'd HATE to see the calorie intake on that.
Mini Goal: No fast food for 1 week
Alright, so since I don't have to be back to the doctor until June 27th, and the other gyno cancer doctor until July, I thought I would set myself a series of goals and work hard to accomplish them. By the time I see them I want to see some kind of results...
Today is Sunday, June 17th, and I want to set my first mini goal of not touching any form of fast food the entire week, starting with today and ending with next Sunday, June 24th. I am going grocery shopping today and am planning on buying fresh produce and am staying away from boxed or canned stuff as much as I can help. Fast food is my weakness, and I cannot let it control me anymore. It's killing me. I have to be diligent in my quest, I really do. Because I can do this, I can lose this god-awful weight and I can get healthy.
So, good luck to me and we'll see how it goes!
Biopsy Results Reveled
I got the results back from my GYNO doctor yesterday....the precancerous cells have come back. This is particularly troubling to my doctor I guess...since this is the 2nd time this has happened within a year. She has me on a medication right now, but she is referring me to gynecological cancer specialist to monitor me over the next few months. Can we say scary?? My blood pressure yesterday at the family doctor was still high, but not so high that he was set on writing me a prescription for meds. Instead he wants to monitor it over the next two weeks and if it's still high by my next visit he will write me a prescription. But my goal is to not let that happen. I have 2 weeks to do what I can to bring it down. I don't want to go on medication for that, that's stupid - even more stupid since it's avoidable. I did have blood work done this morning to check my blood sugars and thyroid and all that stuff. So here's hoping I'm normal in every other regard.
You know, a small part of me is worried about all this. But the truth is, it's in the back of my mind. I'll be alright. And whatever happens, happens. Whatever path I'm suppose to be going down is the path I was meant to take. Who am I to argue. I just need to stay focused on getting this awful weight down and allowing my body to fix itself. I'm trying to stay positive and optimistic. Losing weight is the hardest thing ever. It's a mindf@$k. All my mind wants to do is force the rest of me to cave and indulge in all things unhealthy. I'm an incredibly strong, independent woman, there's no rhyme or reason as to why I allow myself to be controlled by this.
SOOOoooooo...here we go, week!! Good luck to me!!
Oh, medical problems?? YES PLEASE!
So, newsflash: I'm a bigger girl. And with being a bigger girl comes a
lot of crap - at least in my case anyway. I am extra sensitive and
defensive about my weight - which means I am extra sensitive and
defensive towards anyone about anything, regardless of what it's about. I
am scared and nervous about sitting on anything that might slightly
even appear to not be strong enough. I loathe shoe and clothes shopping
because nothing ever fits. I am nervous about being sat at a restaurant
at a booth because I am afraid I won't fit :( I haven't been on a roller
coaster in YEARS and won't step foot into a canoe or kayak after I
found that my weight makes the stupid thing tip over. I cringe at having
to walk up flights of stairs or up hills and mountains to get to class.
I am utterly and sadly convinced that I am alone, unlovable, and
undateable because my weight is that atrocious to some. I have developed
an addiction....it is similar to that of an alcoholic or drug abuser - a
mental battle erupts in my brain and my body when I think about where
to "stop" for dinner or lunch or breakfast...fast food calls to me and I
am immediately under it's mesmerizing spell, unable to function until I
can shove the chemical and fat laden food down my gullet...the mental
abuse from this addiction alone causes me severe depression and
irritability, not to mention what the fast food does to me anyway....But
above all else, being overweight has caused health problems, namely
those girly, woman problems that should not be mentioned out loud. I'm a
mess on the inside.
I went to the doctor the other day and they
had to do a biopsy of my uterus. This is the 4th time I've had this done
and I'm hoping it will be my last - that particular biopsy is the worst
and most painful thing I've had to endure. But I digress. Because of my
ongoing weight problem, my hormones are a freakin mess. My body doesn't
do the things a normal woman's body should be doing, monthly I mean. My
hair is falling out in clumps sometimes, I have acne in places that
should never have it to begin with, I'm 31 and should have about 20 kids
by now but because of my condition - PCOS - it is nearly impossible for
me to get pregnant. In fact, it's impossible for a lot of things to be
normal. Ok, it's a medical condition, there's an excuse. But no, not
really. Here's the thing: it's all my fault. I am overweight because I
have made myself this way. I choose to consume awful food, I choose not
to exercise, I choose to take the elevator to the second floor instead
of the stairs, I choose to sit in front of a tv rather than going out to
take a walk, I choose to go for that 2nd helping - which in reality is
probably more like 3 servings of everything rather than one...I chose it
all. And I have chosen to sit and talk about my problems and talk about
how unhappy I am and talk about how gross I feel and talk about how I'm
never going to feel normal and talk about how devastating it's going to
be if I'm never ever able to have a baby of my own....it's all talk.
That's all I do. Talk talk talk talk talk. Never any action. And now,
what's it done for me? It's gotten me as far as being abnormal in the
medical department, it's caused me to possibly have to miss out on the
one thing I want more in this world, to have my own baby. I have a
strong possibility of having cancer...if the biopsy comes back that way.
When you don't have a normal cycle, things start to go awry. If that's
the case, then I'll have to have my uterus removed, which means no baby,
ever :( My blood pressure is now so high that my doctor can't even
prescribe me certain medications. My hair is falling out
constantly...what the hell am I doing????? What am I doing???!!!
just wish I could start my life over and do so many things differently.
But no one has the chance to do that so I'm stuck with having to take
what I have now, a fat-insulated body with a barrage of up and coming
medical issues, and start whittling away at it...and fast. Because I
honestly don't know how much more I can take. I just want to be happy.
And I think it's time I start going after what I want.
You Know You Have an Addiction When...
I was suppose to write this blog last night to recap my day, however, I was so tired I couldn't muster it. So, here it is now.
You know you have an addiction problem when....
...there is a voice inside your head that is literally SCREAMING "MCDONALD'S!!! TACO BELL! PIE! DOUGHNUTS! FRUIT JUICE!! PIZZA PIZZA PIZZA!!!" as you walk down the aisles at a grocery store trying to figure out what to have for dinner.
...when you stand in front of the doughnut case in the bakery for 10 mins - no joke, 10 mins - taking a step back, walking 2 steps away, coming back, repeating this insanity over and over again while staring at the baked goods in the case DESPERATELY wanting to grab them and gobble them immediately.
....when, as you're walking away from the doughnut case with NOTHING in hand, you are overcome with anguish and annoyance and are throwing a mini temper tantrum internally because you can't have what you want.
...when you put back the frozen pizza you desperately want and curse the whole world because you have to do so.
....when even as you left the grocery store with a meal in mind that you will be cooking for dinner, you plot out where you are and mentally map out how quickly it would be for you to get to McDonald's for a quick whatever.
....when you take a bite of your baked potato 4oz chopped steak and loathe the taste because you know you could be having a Big Mac right now...
Internally, I felt like I had been in a UFC fight. I'm battered and bruised and my brain is royally upset, which then makes the rest of my body feel like screaming from the pain. But you know what? I did good. I did real good. And if it wasn't for this blog and my support from Ally, I would have done bad. Real bad. Here's the good things that I did yesterday:
1. Had multi-grain waffles for breakfast with NO butter, and portioned out 3 tablespoons of syrup to use, rather than squirting it all over and allowing it to soak up into the waffle, thus using more. in fact, I dipped the waffle pieces into the syrup - and I had about a tablespoon left over.
2. Chugged water - 24 oz in between breakfast and lunch
3. Took the last cookie from the kitchen and brought it to my desk with the intention of eating it. It sat on my desk for 20 mins. I kept staring at it. Suddenly, instead of eating it like I wanted to, I crumpled it up and threw it in the trash. I didn't need it.
4. For lunch I brought in 2 lean pockets. Before nuking both of them, I barcode scanned the box and found that just 1 lean pocket was 7 points - have you seen a lean pocket?? They aren't filling. For 7 points I can eat a chicken breast, a bowl of fruit, a side salad and bag of WW pretzel chips and STILL have points left over to use...so I only heated up one, since that was what I brought, and ate all the fruit I brought with me.
5. The grocery store - oh my gosh. I thought I was going to have an episode because I was hungry...and i was in a grocery store...but i managed to keep it together. I put the frozen pizza back, opted against getting the doughnuts, chose not to buy the bagels (10 points for 1 plain dry bagel! NO thank you!) and spent 1 hour walking around in there so that was exercise / movement. Maybe not so much exercise, but I would probably guarantee that I would have been sitting in front of the tv during that hour rather than up walking, soo...i'll take that.
6. Filled up my huge water bottle with ice water before I went to bed and drank it all before i feel asleep...yes, I had to pee in the middle of the night, but I was hydrated properly!
7. Opened my refrigerator and saw cadbury eggs and recees peanut butter eggs staring at me (boyfriend's indulgences). I didn't even consider it - I never had one!
8. I wrote down everything I ate yesterday - everything! Which is a HUGE deal in WW.
Noticeably, my list of good is longer yesterday! I was so proud of myself. Was I perfect?? No...there are a few things I wish I could have stricken from my record, but I feel I did more good than bad and that's important.
Bad weigh in = try harder tomorrow
The goal of this blog was to showcase all the positive things I've done today, rather than focus on all the bad things I have done. Given the fact that I have weighed in tonight and found I gained another 1.4lbs, it will be extremely difficult to see the silver lining in my dark cloud, but I will give it a try.
What I did good today:
1. For lunch I intentionally brought a bag of WW brand dijon pretzel chips and a bag of grapes. That's what I had. Nothing else.
2. Though I was starving and fast food tempted me like no other, I drove past all the chains and went home instead before my weigh in. I felt the wretch in my stomach as I said no to them all...it hurt.
3. During my meeting I downed an entire bottle of ice cold water. I needed water badly today and i wasn't able to drink much at all.
This list is small, but then I've been so busy today that I haven't had a chance to eat or plan. I will admit, my dinner choice wasn't ideal, but I won't focus solely on what i did wrong. I will instead wipe the tears away from my eyes and remind myself that tomorrow is another day, tomorrow I have the opportunity to make right all that I did wrong, and tomorrow I have the ability to tell all my cravings and addictions to beat it.
Brain, please please please catch up to my heart.
Accentuating the Positives
Everybody knows how difficult it is to lose weight. The will power quickly diminishes, discouragement abounds, walking up those flights of stairs looks about as welcoming as getting dysentery and food poisoning, all at the same time, and the never-ending throw down, knock out, bully-on-bully fist fight that's going on in your head about what or what not to eat is enough to make one throw their hands up and walk away from losing weight all together. Life was simpler when we could shove McDonald's and 4 slices of pepperoni pizza down our gullets.
But the reality is this: every single french fry, every ounce of Mt Dew, every slice of pecan pie that we have consciously and eagerly swallowed has joined forces in universal mutiny against us - we are killing ourselves. Its a slow burn...it starts off as a slower paced walk here, a huff and a puff there, next thing you know you're losing feeling in your upper thigh because the fat is starting to cut off circulation of you blood, your hair is falling out and your skin, at age 31, resembles that of a 16 year old adolescent. Is this really living? Is this what happiness is?
So how do you change it? As with most obstacles to overcome, it all starts in the mind; your thinking, your discouraging comments, your constant determination of blaming and cursing yourself for a job well f***ked up rather than a job well done. A very very dear and wonderful friend of mine suggested something ingenious - instead of focusing solely on all the incessant sin I had commit throughout the day, how about I focus on all the GOOD i did instead, and then see how I feel about myself then. So, here it goes:
Things I did today that were good:
1. I had a banana
2. I had 2 24 oz bottles of water instead of opting for a soda
3. I had a low calorie lunch of 6 pts (WW) and didn't stray from that
4. Stared at a bowl of Tootsie rolls and tootsie pops all day long and didn't grab one all day
Is the list of demonic acts longer than my angelic ones? Probably. But I don't care about that so much right now. I made good choices in between all the bad and that counts for something. Instead of a banana I could have had candy. Instead of water I could have drank the rest of my Coke from last week. Instead of my grilled chicken lunch i could have ran to McDonalds like other coworkers were doing today. I made good decisions and I should pat myself on the back for that, because I not of, then my day would have been way worse.
To begin a better life, we have to make our brain better. We have to train it to think positively, to snatch up the negative, self-destructive thoughts and squash them right at the get-go. Otherwise, we are dooming ourselves and placing our success smack dab in the middle of the refuse pile.
I don't want refuse.
I want to live.