I'm still hanging out in the 145s despite not being able to run, which is a very good thing. I went to Pilates yesterday, so I at least got some form of exercise, but not running is driving me crazy. I keep thinking to myself, "It doesn't hurt THAT bad", but I know that's the ticket to a serious, long-term injury so I'm doing everything within my power to resist. The plan is to try for 4-5 miles on Saturday, with nothing but Pilates and lifting in the interim. Sigh...
The good thing is that I've got until October 13 to get ready for my marathon--that's more than 16 weeks. So even if I need another week off, it won't be the end of the world, right? Right. So why do I feel so anxious?!?
Dinner last night was delicious, but over the top. I was really happy to see 145.8 on the scale--I just KNEW I'd be at 147 again. Hooray for the veggie eating plan! So far, I'm enjoying all the salads and fruit. It feels good to eat healthy food!
Wedding dress shopping is 8 weeks from Saturday, and my goal is to be under 140 by then. Five pounds in eight weeks--totally doable, right? I'm notorious for my deep and abiding HATRED of shopping. Seriously, I hate it. I put it off until the last minute, then cry--actually cry--when I have to go. Yuck. At least I'll have plenty of moral support with me!
I think that Saturday's 10-mile run, while fabulous, has slightly strained my left Achilles tendon. I took Sunday and yesterday off, hoping it would be OK today. I tried running this morning, but no dice. I'm going to take off until Saturday. I HATE not running! Religious/spiritual people, please pray for a quick recovery! I don't want to be off my training plan for too long.
The new eating plan is going well so far. I certainly don't feel deprived. I still can't manage to eat all the vegetables, but I'm doing well with the fruit part. I have dinner out tonight, so I'll eat normally (OK--it's a really really nice restaurant, so I'll be eating decadently) and pick my eating plan up again in the morning.
I did the dreaded strength training last night (figured I might as well since I couldn't run), and it went pretty well. I'm very slightly sore today, but nothing extreme. I've got Pilates this afternoon at 5pm, so I'll need to ask my trainer to go easy on the calf/ankle stuff until I've healed.
... but in a good way! I weighed in at 145.2 today, despite the horrors of last week. Thank you, ten miler.
I'm trying something a little bit different with my diet. I've always been a calorie-counting, portion-weighing, food-obsessing freak. My doctor (the one I see for the pre-cancer care stuff) recommended an eating plan to me called Eat to Live. She said that she recommends it to all people in my situation (gene positive for breast cancer, very high risk), and that it's been shown to reduce risk for a number of serious diseases including cancer, heart disease, thyroid problems, diabetes, etc.
Here are the guidelines for the first six weeks:
Eat an unlimited amount (but at least one pound) of raw vegetables every day.
Eat an unlimited amount (but at least one pound) of cooked green vegetables every day.
Eat an unlimited amount (but at least one cup) of beans, legumes, bean sprouts, or tofu every day.
Eat an unlimited amount (but at least four servings) of fresh fruit every day.
Eat an unlimited amount of eggplant, mushrooms, peppers, onions, and tomatoes.
Eat no more than one serving per day from the following: cooked starchy vegetables, whole grains, raw nuts and seeds, and avocado.
DO NOT EAT dairy products, animal products, fruit juice, or dried fruit.
The idea is that since vegetables and fruits are nutrient-rich foods (did you know that 100 calories of broccoli has MORE protein and MORE iron than 100 calories of red meat?), you don't need the animal and dairy products.
I did it Saturday and Sunday, and I feel great (and I lost a pound). It's SO MUCH FOOD. I couldn't hit either of the one-pound goals for veggies, and I was absolutely stuffed. I'm going to give it a shot for a few weeks and see how it works with my running (my fiance thinks I still need meat/dairy). There's no calorie counting and very little portion measuring, so it's a whole different approach for me. We'll see how it goes...
Whoa... I did my ten miles this morning and it was a LONG FREAKIN' WAY! My legs are so tired, but it feels good to have gone out there and done it.
Last night was, as predicted, a bit over the top. According to the activity log, my ten miles burned about 1100 calories, so hopefully that will offset the extravagance of last night. I didn't have very much to drink, but there was bread, cheese, lamb, crab-stuffed mushrooms, and cake. White chocolate raspberry cake. So delicious... I still have three pieces in the kitchen, which I have ordered my fiance to hide from me.
Hope you all have a great day--it's naptime for me!
Yesterday was better--not perfect, but better. I did very well with my eating, had a little too much beer, but overall--not bad. I wound up postponing my speed workout because I was a little sore from Pilates, but it was the right thing to do.
I'm off to a good start today. I got up and did the aforementioned speed workout--it went well. I like running fast (if only for a quarter mile at a time!)--it always leaves me feeling energized. I'll probably grab a salad for lunch. I'm going to try to start incorporating more fresh fruits and veggies into my diet.
Tonight could be tricky. One of my best friends is coming over to belatedly celebrate my birthday. She's bringing dinner... and wine... and CAKE. Yes, cake. I started to ask her not to, but her food issues are SO MUCH WORSE than mine. She was an alarmingly obese child and was basically tortured by her father for it. She went through bouts of anorexia and exercise bulimia as an adult, and is just now getting to a healthy place with food. I can't bring myself to tell her not to bring cake. The good thing is that my fiance will be there and I rarely overeat in front of him. I'm running ten miles tomorrow morning, anyway, so a reasonable amount of extra carbs can't hurt!
Ok. That's it. I'm waving the magic wand. Everything this week from the moment after I finished my 10K up until now has been magically erased. Ta da!
Seriously... this has been the worst eating week I've had in a long, long, LONG time. I seem to have completely lost the ability to control myself. The worst part is that I'm FULLY AWARE of what's going on. I know I've been eating because of work stress, the whole fiance's ex-wife thing (which I'll fill you in on in a sec), wedding stress, money stress, etc. I know exactly what I've been doing and precisely why. But I can't seem to stop myself. Seriously, it's like an out of body experience--watching my hand stuff food into my face and not being able (or willing?) to stop myself.
But I waved the wand and I'm starting over, so it is what it is.
So the whole ex-wife situation... My fiance told her at dinner last night that he's not going to see her again without me there (and her husband too). So I feel much better about that. Oh, and apparently one of the reasons she didn't want to meet me is that she's seen "skinny" pictures of me and FELT SELF-CONSCIOUS ABOUT HER WEIGHT. How ironic is that? I kind of feel for her now...
I need some positive vibes today, ladies. I really need a good day under my belt. I've got to get rid of all the bad feelings from this week and get myself back in a good place.
How annoying. I had just typed a long post and lost it. Grrr...
Yesterday went pretty well, all things considered. I had a big breakfast and a huge lunch (celebrating a coworker's promotion), so I was scared that the whole day was shot. But I wound up having fruit and cereal for dinner and everything was OK. I di dmy hill run and went to Pilates, but I skipped strength training AGAIN. I really don't like strength training. I need to get over that. Lean muscle is a good thing, right?
Today is off to a great start. I got up and did my 5-mile run, then had a reasonable breakfast. I brought my lunch, so I should do all right with eating during the day. I'll have dinner out before my book club meeting. I need to choose carefully, because my book club always involves wine, cheese, and chocolate. Yummy, but potentially disastrous. I have to be strong!
We're signing a contract for the wedding/reception venue today--December 1, 2007 is the date! It's a real load off my mind, but now there's a list of a million other things to arrange (dress, flowers, cake, music, photographer, officiant, etc.). So much money for one day, but it will be worth it.
Oh... one thing that could potentially undermine me today. My fiance is having dinner with his ex-wife tonight. They got married at 22, grew apart, and divorced amicably after a total of 6 years together (2 dating, 4 married). She's happily remarried. They wanted to stay in touch after their divorce because they basically grew up together through their early 20s, which I completely understand. As a matter of fact, there are two ex-boyfriends that I stay in contact with and still see when they're in town. The difference is that his ex-wife doesn't want to meet me, and my ex'es are fine meeting my fiance (and have already met him). It causes a lot of anxiety. I have complete trust in my fiance--there's no danger in him doing something with her that he shouldn't. It's just... I don't know, it gets under my skin.
My fiance has offered multiple times to not go, but I don't want him to do that. I feel like it sets a bad precedent for our relationship of not having trust in each other. I want to feel secure enough in myself and in our relationship that things like this don't matter.
So I'm going to have to be extra careful today not to eat (or drink, tonight at book club) my way through any anxiety or worry I might have.
Sadly, my binginess continued through the end of yesterday, but I woke up this morning, braved the scale (147.2--up more than a pound), did my run, and had a good breakfast. I've got Pilates this afternoon, and am planning to strength train after work today. I'm back on track!
But this little detour has raised a few questions for me. Why do I sabotage myself? What drives me to go off course when I'm doing so well? Is it that I don't really want to lose weight? Is it that I'm lazy and/or weak? Why would I resort to behaviors that aren't going to get the results I want?
Looking back, it's pretty plain that I've been under some stress. The whole doctor thing brings up all kinds of issues for me and makes me very anxious. Anxiety is not something I handle well. It goes back to basic emotional coping skills. I have GOT to learn how to handle emotions without numbing myself (with food, alcohol, whatever). How do people do it?
I feel like I spend most of my life in a kind of daze--not really paying attention to what I'm thinking or how I'm feeling. It seems like if I could just focus, I could see what was going on and I'd know how to fix it. I need to try to be more aware of WHY I'm eating in addition to WHAT I'm eating. Easier than it sounds...
I'm still feeling great about the 10K--all that training really paid off! However, I think I overdid the celebrating a little bit. I didn't monitor my eating AT ALL on Saturday (think french fries, chicken tenders, strawberry shortcake, movie popcorn--it was HEINOUS!). I halfheartedly tried to eat healthy on Sunday, but I overdid it on wine with the fiance (we had SO much fun together--I don't regret it!).
I haven't weighed myself since the morning of the 10K--I'm afraid I did serious damage! It doesn't help matters that I haven't uh... you know, gone to the bathroom in DAYS. I feel so bloated and full and gross. I took something very mild yesterday in hopes that it would move things along, but nothing yet. This must end.
I had my breast MRI today--won't get the results for a few days because they have a backlog waiting for the radiologist, but I'm sure everything's fine (this is just to establish a baseline for future MRIs). My doctor is sending me to talk to an oncologist to learn about the best options for prevention--prophylactic surgery, chemoprevention, experimental drugs... that sort of thing. The whole issue leaves me feeling anxious and frustrated and OLD. But at least I have options, right?
The fiance and I are going to look at two possible wedding venues after work today, so keep your fingers crossed!
I don't have much time to post--heading out to babysit my niece, then visiting friends--but I wanted to post about my race.
Ladies, this is the BEST I've felt about myself in a long, long time. I finished my 10k (6.2 miles) in 53 minutes, which is about an 8-minute mile. I'm so proud of myself! It really puts all my body issues in perspective.
I'm going to try and ride this high for as long as I can! Have a great Saturday, and I'll check in soon...
