Sadly, my binginess continued through the end of yesterday, but I woke up this morning, braved the scale (147.2--up more than a pound), did my run, and had a good breakfast. I've got Pilates this afternoon, and am planning to strength train after work today. I'm back on track!
But this little detour has raised a few questions for me. Why do I sabotage myself? What drives me to go off course when I'm doing so well? Is it that I don't really want to lose weight? Is it that I'm lazy and/or weak? Why would I resort to behaviors that aren't going to get the results I want?
Looking back, it's pretty plain that I've been under some stress. The whole doctor thing brings up all kinds of issues for me and makes me very anxious. Anxiety is not something I handle well. It goes back to basic emotional coping skills. I have GOT to learn how to handle emotions without numbing myself (with food, alcohol, whatever). How do people do it?
I feel like I spend most of my life in a kind of daze--not really paying attention to what I'm thinking or how I'm feeling. It seems like if I could just focus, I could see what was going on and I'd know how to fix it. I need to try to be more aware of WHY I'm eating in addition to WHAT I'm eating. Easier than it sounds...
I hope you all have a great day!
Jen
Posted By: runjenrun
Comments to this post:
06/12/2007 09:41
You are NOT
You are NOT lazy and weak. That's a big thing that you have to realize. It's so hard to learn new coping skills when we've done it "our" way for so long. I know we are very similar and our coping skills have been VERY self destructive. And it's hard because sometimes I just want to be bored. I don't want to get up and stop watching TV, even knowing what I will do.....EAT! I think talking about your feelings is a wonderful coping skill. When you say it outloud, sometimes you realize it's not as bad as you thought. Or somebody will give you a kind encouraging word.
Take some time to really sit down and think about WHY you're doing what you're doing. Here's my take on MY situation. This is not saying that it is yours, but I thought I'd share. My teenage years were spent trying to be loved and accepted. I don't mean my immediate family because I don't think it was that bad. But with my peers. I would drink and do drugs and "other" things just to fit in. I was always doing something to please somebody else. Then, my husband came along and loved me just for me. But, my trust wasn't that good because of what I had been through. I think I subconsiously want to stay fat to MAKE SURE he loves me for me. That and the fact that when life is out of control, my food is the only thing I can control. And I don't mean control in a good way. I mean, I can control the fact that I'm shoving all this food in my face. And it numbs me.
So, there ya go. Like I've said before, I'm no professional. Hope it helps, though.
Good luck and know that you can do it. You need to know that we are all on your side and we like you just for you! And you know you'll feel better if you stay on track!
All I can tell you is take it slow, one minute at a time. When you feel you're about to do something that will sabotage your efforts, take a deep breath and really think before you do it. Find something to distract yourself, like blogging or exercising. Seems to me you're doing incredibly well. Don't be so hard on yourself!
