I did a really good job with exercise yesterday--my 4-mile hill workout plus Pilates, and I did a decent job with eating up until dinner. Then I blew it. In a bad way. I was afraid that dinner wasn't going to go well because I was meeting up with a friend who I've been kind of drifting away from. I knew it would be awkward and that I might get anxious. It was and I did. So I ate A LOT.
But that's not the worst part. I kind of had an eating disorder relapse after that. (I was bulimic for more than ten years.) Yep. I made myself throw up. I feel so horrible about it. I feel like it's cheating and taking the easy way out. I feel like I chose the quick fix instead of addressing what was bothering me. I feel gross and weak and awful.
I'm trying not to get too down about it. The good news is that I got up and ran 5 miles this morning, which made me feel better. The bad news is that I'm going to wind up eating ALL THREE MEALS in restaurants today (breakfast because I'm lazy, lunch because of an office birthday, and dinner with friends) PLUS I have a business-related happy hour after work. This is the worst time for me to have to deal with all that temptation. Sigh...
Oh well. There's no use in wallowing in self-pity, right? What's done is done and there's no going back. Continuing to dwell on it will only increase the chances that I'll do it again. Today is a new day, and I'll do my best to make it a good day.
Posted By: runjenrun
Comments to this post:
05/30/2007 12:22
Moving forward
You're right, don't beat yourself up over it. We all fall back into old patterns sometimes, but its important to take a look at the emotional issues surrounding last night, and find your trigger points, so you can be aware of them and avoid them in the future.
You will do fine eating out today, I have no doubt. You know you can ask your weighter to box up half of your meal before they bring it to you (at a lot of restaurants anyway). Usually portion sizes are so huge that half is more than enough. Maybe give that a try at lunch or dinner.
Today will be a fantastic day, and you need to make sure to do something fun for yourself, mixed in with all the visiting of restaurants. :) Oh, and with the time difference, you're probably at lunch right now, so I'm sending good thoughts your way. :)
I agree with the person above, just dust yourself off and move right ahead. I hope you have a close confidant that you discuss this kind of thing with nearby you, who understands your history with bulimia. That might help, too.
For dinner, (since it's surely after lunchtime for you), do you know where you're going ahead of time? Maybe you can figure out ahead of time some very specific or even generic nutritional information relating to some of the menu items. Just a thought. That's what I like to do, so I'm not sitting there for 20 minutes trying to count up calories in my head and stressing myself out about it.
You're right, don't beat yourself up over it. However, please be careful. Eating disorders are so scary. Other than overeating, I've never suffered from one, but I have read a lot about them. (Yeah, I know, not the same thing as living it) So, I'm really sorry you're having such a hard time. Good luck tonight. Let us know how it goes.
I know exactly how you feel. I never suffered with bulimia or anorexia but I think when you feel a slave to food it's a type of disorder. You eat too much, then you get on the whole guilt ride and then fall quickly back into the same traps.
I've been stuck since December - only managed to gain back some of what I've lost - but I can only stop blaming myself and get back to what I was doing that made me successful in the being healthy arena.
Just remember - tomorrow's another day - make a fresh start and learn from your mistakes.
