07/17/2007 10:17
Sleep
Wow... I sleep A LOT since I got home from the hospital. I'm feeling stronger every day but I still sleep about 14 of every 24 hours. I'm like an infant!
Thankfully, I seem to be through with the "feeling sorry for myself" phase and moving into the "God, I'm lucky" phase. Seriously. I'm never going to have to go through a lumpectomy or chemotherapy or radiation or the terror of feeling a lump. How awesome is that? And I've experienced in so many ways how wonderful my friends, family, and coworkers are. Oh, and my fiance is an ANGEL.
So now my task is recovery. I need to come up with an eating plan that ensures I get enough nutrition to heal but also takes into account the fact that I'm going to be pretty much inactive for the next few months. Ideas? Suggestions? Vitamins I should take (my mom keeps suggesting Vitamin E) or foods to eat/stay away from?
I'm off to check in with all of you--thanks again for your support!
Jen
07/15/2007 20:57
Home
Hello EPers--I'm home!
The surgery went very well, and I feel much better than I had thought I would. I've still got a morphine pain pump installed, so part of that might be the drugs talking, but I'm feeling all right either way. The only uncomfortable part is the surgical drains, and those should come out on Thursday. The scars shouldn't be too bad and I hope to be able to get the permanent implants installed in about 6 weeks.
My fiance has been absolutely incredible through all of this, as have my family and friends. Overall, I feel very blessed.
The downside is that I can't do any vigorous exercise or train with weights until basically November (six weeks after the second surgery) so I'm REALLY going to have to watch what I eat. Thankfully I have my EP friends to work with on that!
Have a great Sunday night--
Jen
07/12/2007 21:40
Terrified
Surgery is tomorrow. Too scared to do anything but pace around the house. Thanks to all of you who've left comments or emailed--it means SO MUCH!
I'll check in once I'm home-God knows I'll have nothing but time on my hands...
07/11/2007 08:43
Breakdown
I swear, this week has been such a huge roller coaster. I felt pretty good yesterday, then had a huge crying breakdown last night. My poor fiance is a saint. Seriously. Unfortunately, I also had a little relapse into some very bad behavior from my past last night (I was bulimic for about ten years, recovering for about 1.5 years). It wasn't good. God, I can't wait for this nightmare to be over.
In other news, I'm leaving this afternoon to head to New Jersey on business. I'll drive up, stay the night there, have a day of meetings, and drive back tomorrow. My parents will be getting in tomorrow night, and we'll go to the hospital Friday morning for surgery.
I honestly wish they weren't coming. I don't want anyone there but my fiance. I don't want anyone to visit me in the hospital. I don't want flowers. (I know how terribly ungrategul that sounds, but it's true.) I just want to be left alone until it's all over.
My mood today is definitely worse. I feel very weepy and anxious and, to be perfectly honest, I feel damn sorry for myself. I know other people have to go through much worse, but this frigging sucks.
Sorry to be so depressing. I'm sure my mood will be better next week--a whole week off work to watch soap operas and eat ice cream guilt-free. That's pretty sweet, right?
07/10/2007 09:52
Perking Up
My mood is a little bit sunnier today. I've had so much support from family and friends, and my fiance and I have been working on wedding stuff (save the date cards, wedding website), so that's cheered me up quite a bit.
I'm still scared about Friday. I'm really struggling with stress and anxiety (I smoked a cigarette yesterday for the first time in years), and I haven't been sleeping very well. But I'm pretty sure that's par for the course with this sort of thing.
I'm staying in tonight with my fiance. I'll be on a business trip tomorrow night and my parents will be here Thursday night, so tonight is our last chance to um... enjoy the boobs I have. I'm sure you know what I'm getting at.
Hope you have a great day!
Jen
07/09/2007 10:05
Irony
142.4 this morning--the least I've weighed in I don't know how long. The ironic thing is that I'm not enjoying it at all. It's funny. For the last few years, all I've wanted is to lose my appetite. Just think how much easier this will all be, I'd tell myself, if you simply weren't hungry.
Well, now I'm not hungry. At all. I don't want solid food in my mouth. I refuse to eat anything I have to chew. It's weird--I feel so disconnected from my body. I know it's all related to the surgery (which is this Friday) and that it will pass as I heal and move on with life. But for now, losing weight is truly the lowest priority in my life, and I feel sort of... numb.
Yikes. I'm depressing myself. OK--I need to find something positive to say...
Here we go, I've realized how truly wonderful and amazing my fiance is, and what incredible friends I have. I'm so blessed to have such kind people in my life!
Hope your week is off to a great start,
Jen
07/05/2007 11:56
Plastic Surgeon
I saw the plastic surgeon today and got some more info about the surgery. It's going to suck, I'm not gonna lie. They'll do the masectomy first, then put tissue expanders under my chest muscles to make room for implants. I'll have surgical drains in for about a week, which horrifies me. Then I'll go back in late September to have the permanent implants put in. I'll be in the hospital for a few days and miss about a week of work, which sucks. I was saving those vacation days for the honeymoon!
I won't be able to do any vigorous physical activity until 6 weeks after the last surgery, so the marathon is definitely out. It's depressing. I had worked so hard to get ready, and now I can't do it. There's always next year, I suppose.
The silver lining to all this is that I've almost completely lost my appetite. I'm still weighing in at 144.2 despite not running in a few days (I may not again before the surgery--it just feels pointless at this stage). The idea of binging hasn't even crossed my mind-I can barely finish a bowl of instant oatmeal.
At least there's one good thing in all this, right?
Ugh, I can't wait for this ordeal to be over. I'm so tired of doctors right now.
07/03/2007 13:32
Surgery Update
I saw my doctor today, and we're moving forward with the surgery. I'm going to see the plastic surgeon who'll do my reconstruction on Thursday, and the surgery will be on--wait for it--July 13th. That's right, FRIDAY THE 13TH. Hilarious.
Honestly, I feel so much better now that the decision has been made and we have a plan. I don't need to obsess about it or freak out about it any more... although I'm sure I'll freak out a little bit as the surgery day gets closer.
So... implants... never thought I'd be getting those. Wow. I can't believe this is my life.
07/03/2007 08:30
Who knows?
Somehow, despite my continued lack of desire to exercise (I ran 4 miles yesterday, but skipped running today--will go to Pilates this afternoon), I weighed 144 this morning--a new low for me. I don't know how and I don't know why (I do suspect dehydration), but I'll take it.
Exercising just feels futile right now. I know I'm going to be having major surgery at some point, which will leave me virtually inactive for about 6 weeks. I know I probably won't be able to do my marathon. I know I'm going to lose muscle tone and probably gain weight. So I just don't feel like trying--why bother?. But that's stupid, isn't it? I mean, shouldn't I be using this time to enjoy exercising and lose as much weight as possible? I don't know.
I'm definitely in a funk right now. I'm still trying to get in to see my doctor. She was called for jury duty today, but I'm hoping she'll be able to squeeze me in this afternoon. We'll see.
The only good thing about all this is that, for once in my life, I'm not hungry. That's right, ladies and gentlemen, I do not want to eat. I want to lay in bed with the covers over my head. I want to cry. I want to smoke (but I'm not). But I don't want to eat. Silver lining.
07/02/2007 09:07
Struggling
I'm having a hard time these days. Friday and Saturday were very bad eating days, and Sunday wasn't great. Even worse, I skipped my long run--which I NEVER do--and have to make it up today. (Somehow, I'm still hanging in the 145s, which is an absolute miracle.) I also haven't been sleeping very well, and I've been feeling pretty blue.
It's this surgery thing. I don't think I can have a double masectomy dangling over my head for six months. (I had intended to put it off until after my wedding.) I'm going to try to get an appointment with my doctor tomorrow to tell her that I want to do it as soon as possible. The anxiety is eating me alive, and I want to get the frigging thing over with. I just can't take six more months of the waiting and the worrying and the third opinions and people sending me articles and looking at pictures of scars and all that crap. I'll be a basket case (a FAT basket case) by then.
Deep breath...
The good thing about this weekend is that I didn't drink or smoke, which I've been known to do in times of anxiety. Another bonus is that my fiance has been wonderful. He told me that he doesn't care what my chest looks like and whether or not I have scars, that he wants me to be there to have kids and grow old with him. If I can just get through this surgery, I think I'll be able to focus on being healthy.
Have a great Monday,
Jen
