It has been a long time since b eing on this site. It was just giving me fits about getting on and I got sick of it so quit coming here. Now, in such a long time, I can finally get one it without problems and at a decent speed. I have been blogging on another sight but this one will do for other things that I just want to do for myself. I am strange I guess because I like to motivate others on my other blog but this one is more for me. Things weight wise are going really well. I have lost over 105 pounds so I feel great and look a lot better. Having trouble getting below 69 kg though, blasted number! I always have to fight my body to get below this number but I am going to do it, don't even have a doubt about it because this is my lifestyle now. Althugh it did disappoint me not to see a 68 on the scale today. But I will keep perservering. I like being able to wear all my old clothes again and it will be so exciting when I can see them getting looser and looser.
I haven't been able to get on this site for so long. I don't know why I had such a problem but I have. I am glad to be back on and on Monday is my weigh in and hoping to be down four! Who knows
Got my avi today~ . Vry happy about that. I wanted to get it last week but just lost a little bit so I had to take a look at what could have caused it. Tighten up on the measurement and such. And it worked. I was very happy about that! I am still having trouble looking in the mirror and seeing the change. I know, when you are that heavy, you can't see the changes that it will do to you but I wish I could . I finally took my inches yesterday and I think that will help me when I don't see a lot of pounds going down, I can at least see the inches going down. This week has been a rough week but I think a lot of it is becuase I have had this cold that just will not go away and it makes me feel pretty rough. On top of that, starting both my part time jobs on top of my full time is getting to me and still haven't been paid my salary from Feb. Upset and anxious about that. But , I will and did make it. I keep forging on and continue to do what needs to be done.
Having a little problem with depression. Got to find the root of that and right now, don't have the time to figure it out on here. Perhaps tonight I will get on. I also have to get to the store and do shoppping for my class on Sat. NOt always easy doing things you know. Need to get my spiritual relationship back on track. That is taking a huge toll on me right now.
I find it is so intereting how our body does when we gain or lost weight. How can our body be so responsive to things we eat. Yes, it feels great while we are eating it but afterwards, the affects are not so great. Less energy, lethargic, slow, parts of the body hurt and so on. As I am losing again, I found something out htat was trully intersting. Might be too much info for you but I thought it was intersting. When I was prg. with my last daughter, I was starting to have so much trouble with yeast infections. Not just one but one after another. Then I had her and still had the same problem. My mother suggested it might be because of all the breads and sugar I was eating. Well, once I started to lose weight, I haven't had the same trouble. Hmm, I wonder if it is indeed connected. The body is such a fascinating thing!
The weight loss is going well. Will not weigh in till Monday so looking forward to that. Really looking foward to getting under 100 again. Hate that number with a passion. I have to go and teach primary on Monday and i know I will be hearing allt he comments about how huge I am. Kids can be cruel without meaning to. But it only strenghtens my resolve to get this off. I may be leaving my college and going to the primary to teach and I don't want to face the bad comments every day. Plus, I just want to feel better. I already feel so much better since beign back on this plan. Times can be tough. WEnt out to eat last night and one bad thing about living in China is that you cannot order diet friendly food. So I have to either eat at home or bring food with me. I ate at home this time and when we went out, man, did that food look and smell good. I did not partake though because I know me. One is not enough. I was looking at one dish and told my DH I could eat the whole thing and I realy could. Just like IC. I could eat all of it in one sitting. Even though I felt bad, bloated , I ccould not stop. I would just keep going and going and going till it was gone. Food has such a strong control over me and I don't know why I let it have such a control. I need to get that control bacik!
Another intersting thing about losing wieght is how my DH has changed. When I gain the weight, he still has sex with me but not as enthusiastic. NOw, he is more enthusiastic, and complimenting me more and more. Now he is starting to ssy how pretty I am and all that. Such is the attitude toward weight. Well, looking forward to my Monday weigh in!
Well, gone a week and a half and still going strong. It is so strange how it is so hard to get started on a diet, ok, fail then next day. Nope, fail and then next day. But when we finally make up our minds to do it, it becomes second nature to eat right. My husband laughs at me becuase he says that when I eat anythingl I don't think about anything but when I am back to losing weight, every bite matters and of what. Laugh all he wants, what works is what I do. I don't really crave things too bad, guess I got enough while int he states LOL. I have decided to stay away from the scale except for every monday. I got on the scale on Tuesday morning becuase I was trying to get those few ounces to make an even ten pounds but when I did, I was a little higher then I was monday. The experts say your weight does change all the time from day to day and that is why you should not weigh every day. But if you can handle it and not let it affect your emotions, go at it. But I let that little curesed machine to ruin my day. When I saw i had gained a little, I immediately freaked and worried and happiness was gone. Then caught myself, I hadn't went to the bathroom yet so that was the problem. But after I did go, I stll did not get on the scale. I could see I was centering my feelings too much on it so I am waiting. My problems don't come from weight at this time but from emotions that I haven't worked though yet and not sure how to work though. I worry about it becuase not only do I think about it but it is the emotions that cause me to fall from the path. So, I have to learn some way to wrok though them and not though eating chocolate. Yes, an excellent way and taste but bad for the body and butt! especially mine! So, I had been talking to a lady about how I blog and she found a book called "write yourself thin" which is pretty much what I do. Work out the emotions on paper and it has exercises and such in it. Well, I can't get the book but I can write. I still will write on this blog but there are times I am away fromt eh computer or just no time so I am going to start keeping a notebook with me and just write in it when the feelings come. I find I do better writing them then saying them and that is how I work though things.
Right now, my biggest issue is my mother. We got along alright in the US, so I thought. I got nosy (shame on me!) and lurked into her emails to my sister. Let you know a little past history, she is the pre madonna, the perfect one, the one who got what the other kids never did. Ok, well, started nosy into the email to her and from her and got such a shock. I do't want to repeat all she said becuase it hurts. I still have a lot of bitterness toward it and a lot of feelings messed up becuase of it. But the gist of it is she doesn't like me as a person, I have and will always fail her and she thought it was too much trouble having me. Wow, it was a lot and made me feel terrible. I want to scream and rant at her. I have tried so hard to mend fences with her and do what I could to have a good relationship. But it looks like it will never be. No matter what I do, how successful I am , it will never be enough. I will always be the black sheep no matter what. I just don't understand it. Why do i try so hard to make her proud? All that matters is me but I know that is not true. I will always try but now, after reading her emails and seeing how she does to my face and then to my back. NO matter what she says, I will probably not trust her anymore. NO matter what I do, my sister is always better. She is always the great one, the sweet one, the one to do good, the ... you get the picture. Yes, I am envious of her and rightly so. I want that love and approval but I wil never get it. right now, I am struggling with feelings of"am I really that bad" I don't think I am but maybe I am? Also, she keeps saying that Laura is such a good christian but I and my brother have fallen off the path. How would she ever know any of that. I never talk about that with her (becuase she knows more then even the sunday school teachers and definitely me! Thta is a quote) Just sick of it really. YOu know that I am basically a good person and I even grad. top of my class from bible college. Yep., I did . I came over here to do missionary work but have to be carefly and I admit, I am slow at it because of being buys iwth family and all that. But all that doesn't mean a thing to my mother. I am a pagan leading my family to hell. What should I do. I remmeber sending my mother pics of my wedding and honeymoon (we did it in China beause she would not pay for it in America so I paid for my own her and she did not come) On the honeymoon, we saw some statues of idols so I sent her a pic of one of them just so she could see what I was up against. Next thing I know, she is shooting off a letter about how I have fallen and now worship a pagan god at my wedding and so on and so on. Whoa, I had told her it was from my honeymoon and such on the photo back. So, you see, I can't win! NO matter what. Why do I let it bother me? I really don't know but I have got to stop it. Right now, not really talking to my sister, hey , she admited she did not like me (hardly knows me really because I moved away when she was pretty young) so why should I talk to her. To my mother, I am just pretending. That is what I have had to do all my life. SHe even told my sister I don't deal well with confrontations but I just sweep it under the rug. Well, she taught me that becuase she hates being disagreed with. Scream!! But I will work it out someway.
Today, went through my underwear and bras and put them in order of These are really big , then these are big and these are med and so forth. Gave me new inspiration> I bought some new things in US so looking forward to getting them on!!
Yeah, just had my weigh in today and feeling good. This is the firstt ime the scales have moved int he correct directiong since, hmmm, over a year! Feels really great telling you, to be back on this journey again and to be making right choices. Altrhough they are right , it doesn't make them any easier at times. Yesterday, my fil made my fav, noodles with qing cai. I just love it and it was smelling so good but that was what got me where I am today. A caterpilar, big , fat and no pretty. Their only job in life is to eat. Was I going back to that? SO, by thinking along these lines, I avoided it. Then, I get up in the morning and he has reheated it for breakfast. BUt since weighing in, there was no way I was going to fall! I lost almost ten pounds. Nine point something something. So, I am chuff about that. To see the physical results of what I have been working on. I am just so excited to wait and see my clothes start fitting better and such but patience wins the race as we all know. It was a rough weekend though. The baby has been sick with infected bronchial tubes, on the edge of bronchitis. So, have been dealing with that and giving meds and she will not sleep really good at night so you can imagine how tired I getint he afternoon. Cant' put her down for a nap becuase she wakes herself up. I think she is just uncomfortable with the coughing and not breathing well but so wanting her to get better . She is breahting better though> I am thanful that I bought a nebulizar in the States. Here, you have to go and live in the hospital for a week every time you need that so saving a lot of money! But it is nice seeing that weight line go down. HOpe all of you are having the smae luck.
Well, not sure how much time I have to finish this one , I will try. Many things have happened, I guess a lot of them I will work through later as I need to. I just got home from the US last thursday and it had been such a hard trip> Fact is, I almost did not want to come back. I had to though. While in America, I indulded in all the things I should not have but it was so good to just enjoy and not think but it did lead up to a good jump in weight, what do I expect. But I had been trying so hard to get back in plan before leaving but never could so I figured that I would just enjoy myself while in the US. But sevearl things happened that lead me to be back on my path, day six to be exact. Dressing room mirrors. They really should outlaw those things! My mother took me to , what is it called, yes, Lane Bryant. PLace for fat women like me. I was so disgusted that I had to go there becuase one thing I had wanted so much was that when I went back this time, I would be able to shop in the "normal" dept. The store had nice clothes but no matter what I tried on, it just did not look good. And then to see myself with little clothes in front of those mirrors, yikes! I was horrified and very disgusted with myself. If I bougtht bigger clothes , they hang, too small, too tight. Just nothing just right. And then, my mother was wearing a smaller size then me! That has never happened and I was not too happy. Then I went to Cato's by myself and found that I could not wear the size I wore last time, I had to go bigger!! Then I went to buy underwear and bras at JC Penny and bought the size I always wore, eight. Got home and found they were too tight. Oh no, I went up in those and the bras were too tight. It was then and there I decided that when I got back to China, I would start the plan. I was smart enough to know that doing it in US at that time was not going to work so I decided I would get what I wanted while there and then start when I got back. Andddddd , when I went to visit my cousin, she had lost over two hundred pounds! and was a size six. That did it! Now I really was the fattest person in my family. I could not beleive it! I felt terrible. Not just for that realization but also becuase of what I was eating was making me feel terrible. Iw as getting the same upset stomach that I use to have , same lethargic feeling and so on. I could barely fit in the bathtub anymore. I really did have enough. PLus, I was feeling worse and worse about being intimate with my husband . Things just wer enot so easy anymore and the fat was also making my hsuband look at me worse. So, I started on Monday and now on my sixth day. I am doing it with a gusto and energy again! I am feeling so much better about myself and my husband is happy I am doing it again. I am now safe an dwill NOT get pregnant again so I can go all the way this time and I am going to this time! Back from being the sluggish, fat, ugly caterpillar and back to the coccoon to become the BUTTERFLY!
I am feeling sooo sooo soo much better now. I am sorry I havn't been keeping much on this blog, gosh, seems I always say hat everytime I get on here. I can tell you now that I just haphazardly followed the plan after the birth of my girl. I would eat right at supper/lunch but then afterwards, snack like crazy. Soooo you can guess that would never work. But I am happy to say that today is my fifth day!! I am feeling pretty good about it. Many things has happened since my last blog. How to start, don't really know. The month leading up to leaving was very harried and so much to do with finals and all that. But I finaly got to the States for some much needed R and R. The first week we got there was rough. My parents would not really help out in the kids and me and the baby were really struggling with jet lag like you would not beleive! I was so exhausted and would practically fall in bed every night. But the baby was up all the time and I finally had her sleep with me because it was so bad. I never got a good night sleep while there really. well, have run out of time but will finish this another time.
Do you think if I click my heels together three times and say this that I will be home? LOL! If only!! Yep, my mind is all on going home right now. My husband was talking to me one time and he could tell my mind was goooonnnnneeee. I am looking so forward to it and just a rest from everything and from my husband. WE are doing alright and he has finally taken some of the pressure off of me about losing weight. He still thinks it and I can tell that because of the look he has in his eyes but he is keeping it on the downlow except for some comments here and there. It helps out a lot but I promised him and me that I would be starting the plan right after I get back from America. I wanted to try and lose before I went but it was really a losing battle. Especially when every time I talk with my parents they are telling me about a new chocolate place they will take me too or a plac ethat makes the best ice cream. I can't resist. Should but will not. I just want to enjoy myself while I am there. I am really really looking forward to the rest and to the warm weather, overt here, been snowing all day for some time so ready for some warm weather to just relax in. Still not happy with myself especially when I look at the pics of me, I mainly hide though from cameras, so I am trying to strenghten my resolve for when I get back here. I really do wan tto do that so much but right now, my mind is all on getting home and things i need to do there. Dreading all the paper work I have to do with Rebecca's visa and then my police record with the numberous notaries I have to do to get a green card.
But I am glad to not be here form Spring festival I always hated having to be dragged from one house to another all the time and then have the whole horde come here to my house. PLus, this year I know it will be even worse. Since my husband got that car, all the family have been running him around to do this and go thre and so on. I don't know, am I being selfish about it? I hate it. I don't min helping ot sometimes but this is an almost every day thing. When does he work? Ok, will not go there I know when spring festival hits, he will be driving all the time taking them from one place t another. I know he doesn't mind but I do. I mean, I am the one who will have to pay the most on tis car but I never get to use it nor do I really want to. I am a mess. I just resent him buying it when we did not have money and not thinking how we could afford and the car is used for his business and his family more then anythign else. MOre then us. Esepecially his sister! PLus, if I need hi help, he is too busy but if his family needs it, he is right there like a loyal animal! I know, I should want to help but I don't. So, glad I will not be here to see him out every day with them while he ignores us. Ok, got that out of my system.
Kids are doing great here. Myson is especially excited about going to America. My husband brought home some candy for them yesterday and they were wanting to save it to put in theri bookbags they will be carrying for the plane. So cute really. I went out and bought some busy work for them while they are on the plane to keep them busy and quiet! Key word, quiet. Still worried about how things will go with Rebecca but I am sure it will be fine. I am going to try and add apic of my newest one so you can see what she looks like. Jason is fianlly coming around againa nd meeting me for lunch so that is nice. Hard not to have many friends out here. His wife is going to have a baby in March so it is great to watch them. First baby and all.
So busy lately! With finals here and trying to get all the other tests graded to add to their final grade, ahhh, has kept me so busy now. I still hae two more classes of tests to grade but as you can see, I am procrastinating on it for right now. As the time gets nearer for me to go home, I am getting more excited but also more nervous. I just hate what I have done to myself. Last year, was getting so close to goal and now this year, gained it all back. When I look at my body in the mirror, I hate it so much. It seems to have gotten worse then it was before if that is even possible. I want to get back to where I was so bad but I just keep sabatoging myself. I have been thinking about that actuallya nd why I have been. I think I know. My trip back home. I am one of these personalities that I have to be all in or all out. It is a terrible way to be at times but can be really good also> Never had the desire to smoke or do drugs because of that. I know that when I go back home, I will not be able ot stay on my diet while there so in the back of my mind, it is a "why bother" kind of thing. I want to get on and lose but AI also know I am going to gain it back once in America. Maybe I should just put it on hold till I get back from US and then get on full force? I don't know what to do at this time yet. Still torn over so many tthings but I do know I want to be on full force and have this all gone by next year. In fact, I am going to be buying several sizes in anticipation of that fact. I really want to buy a size 6 sexy ligeria(sp?) and hang it on the door for inspriation. I am also going to be buying some sizes from now and then smaller and smaller so it can really get my goals going. Espeically sexy wear. Has been , ok, never since I can buy and wear so that is a great inspiration for me..I really want to make goal for once in my life. I always hit the 150's and can never get below them. This time I really want to. I want to make a page of goals for me and then really keep up when I make it/ GOt to get busy for one thing. If I have too much time, there she blows!!
