Yes well that is a big part of the problem! If I am happy I eat, sad I eat, upset I eat, tired I eat
Eating is my answer to everything - or rather eating junk is my answer and after a week like last week (long story!) my emotions were all to pot - up and down like a yoyo - so I looked for the answer in the fridge which helpfully had wine in it and the cupboard had crisps and chocolate.
Hey presto - weight gain this week!!
I have a long way to go to get to the bottom of my food issues I think - a long long way. And at the moment mentaly I am not in a position to do a lot of it.
But I will keep thinking positively and back to healthy eating and exercise today - and OMG did I exercise. See I am fine on a bike and have been out a few times and been absolutely fine! But we got one of those pull along trailers to attach to the bike so we can go out as a family and the 3yo can go in the trailer. And because her nursery is far enough to be too far for her to walk there and back I had the bright idea that I would do the nursery run on the bike. I mean I had alread riden much further than that easily - how much more work can a trailer be right?
Well I had no idea that the so-called flat bits I drove over in the car normally are actually very slight inclines - by the timeI got there I thought I was going to die - when I got off the bike I thought my legs would give in - I could hear my thighs screaming abuse at me. Fortunately what goes up must come down so the way back was actually not too bad. And with me cursing my optimism and asking whose bright idea it was to bike to nursery I made it home in one piece.
So tomorrow I am going to do it again - and every day (providing the weather holds and have nothing urgent to do) It is a 1.5 mile round trip and take about 5 mins longer each way than the car which is fine .
I do miss singing in the car though - I guess I could get an MP3 but it worries me on a bike as I wouldnt be able to listen out for traffic etc so I will just have to do without.
So motivate myself - at least one trip each day to nursery and
"He who never made a mistake never made a discovery."Samuel Smiles
So I have had a great week - went biking tuesday and wednesday nights and felt fine afterwards and great in the mornings. I was getting up full of energy and feeling really good - not starving hungry, and ready for the day ahead. More able to jump up and do things rather than spend the day half asleep in front of the PC or TV.
I got lots of work done yesterday and felt good. In fact I felt so good I decided I could have a treat. SO we had pizza and I had a couple of beers (3 bottle) and a little snacking which I havent been doing. I also didnt do any planned exercise (I did spend an hour wandering round the shops with my eldest though!).
The differences this morning are very noticible - I woke up starving to find there was no milk so I couldnt have cereal or porridge etc. I am grouchier with the kids and I felt sluggish. Not hugely and I am still commited but I am glad I noticed the difference. Otherwise I might have had some wine tonight then it is the weekend and before I know it - it will be monday and I will have undone all the good this week and be feeling dreaful.
At least I know if I stay with it today I should be fine again tommorrow and I can do that by reminding myself I would feel twice as bad tomorrow if I didnt.
This is also something that will help me in the future when I have off days and stop me turning them into off weeks.And having this blog is great as I can look back and remind myself!
In fact I think having this blog has saved me hours of therapy
Keep thinking about what you are doing - you have a choice!
William Jennings Bryan: "The way to develop self-confidence is to do the thing you fear."
Well I did it - I faced a fear and did it anyway. You see for me it isn't just that I dont want to do exercise - but that I dont want to do it in public. It terrifies me!
Walking I can cope with in company - but alone I would probably more likely go for a stroll. I really enjoy learning to roller-blade but have I been out since I bought new blades? No!
I just imagine people will laugh at the big girl struggling to keep her balance - how pathetic does that sound now I put it into words!!
I got a bike at the weekend and the same old fears were starting to whisper in my ears - people will laugh at you you know - just imagine what they will be thinking - look at that overweight grown woman wobbling about on a bike - what does she think she is doing??.
Well something changed in me and I thought - stuff them! At least I am getting out and doing it - I have spent too many years thinking how I will wait till I lose weight before doing these things (that ironically will help me lose weight) that I just dont have the time to spare.
So I went out with my daughter (age 8) and we had a great bike ride. Not too far as I hadn't ridden a bike in many years but far enough to feel like I had done something worthwhile. And not just that it was good for my daughter and I to have some quality time together.
Of course the minute we got home she was determined that we should make this at least a weekly thing together which is good and also can we go out again tonight. Well all flushed with success and full of happy exercise hormones I said yes but why dont we take our blades tonight instead.
GULP! AM I MAD????
But we will try it - and as I told her we will learn together as she isnt totally steady on them yet (unlike last night when she was cycling rings round me!)
And the biggest surprise of all is that I am not that sore today! My legs feel a bit tight and I am convinced I have a bruised bum but apart from that I am ok though tomorrow will most likely be a different story!
"Effort is only effort when it begins to hurt. " ~José Ortega y Gassett
So I did a full morning of housework yesterday, tidying, cleaning, sorting washing, weeded the (very small) front garden, clipped the hedges and picked up the clippings (one of my most hated chores). And it was good!
I got a real sense of achievement and enjoyed a guilt-free chocolate biscuit in the afternoon
Of course the sense of achievement vanished this morning when I saw the house fairies (kids and hubbies) had undone all my work and the house looked worse than ever!
But looking on the bright side I shall think of all the exercise I am getting putting it right!!
Apart from that I have about a days work to do on the PC - I was going to walk this afternoon but I will see how work goes and if that fails I shall take my eldest out on a bike ride tonight.
I should really have saved that quote for tomorrow morning then as I have no doubt I will be sore!!!!
The thing always happens that you really believe in; and the belief in a thing makes it happen."
So just how much power is their in thought? Probably a lot more than I think - maybe more than any of us think. Can you change things just by thinking of them?
And when do reality and thought cross over - if I think I am fat does that make me fat? I want to stop thinking of myself as a fat person. I often think that by defining myself as such I am giving myself permission to stay that way. And mentally accepting that I cant change what I am.
So today I am no longer a fat person - I am just me - me who is going through a change in appearance .
I know I am guilty of letting my size define me - and I know others can see past it but I cant. Add it to the list of "things to work on"
It is a new week - I lost weight last week, have a lot more energy this week and today is housework day! So I am off to put some music on and get started!!
And my plan this week is to "Focus on the positives!!!!"
"The difference between try and triumph is just a little umph" Marvin Phillips
My energy levels have reached an all time low!! I want to sleep! Went to bed last night and fell asleep before 10 but still feel like I could do another 10 hours this morning. But no time to sleep today as I have a lot to do! Though on the positive the more time I sleep the less I have to eat!
Eating hasnt been a problem the last few days - I havent been hungry really - enjoying fruit for brekkie and soup at lunch times and then whatever at teatime -it has also meant I havent had to think too hard or spend a lot of time on prep/cooking.
It doesnt bode well for exercise though - but I know once you start exercising you get more energy and dont feel as hungry so it is something I need to push myself into doing next week and aim for some kind of strucured/planned exercise twice a week to start - most likely walking.
All I need is my walking buddy and a little UMPH !
"Habit is habit and not to be flung out of the window by any man, but coaxed downstairs a step at a time." Mark Twain
Mark Twain - there's a guy who knew what he was talking about. Why do I think I can break all my habits at once when realistically they were years in the making.
I had a flashback a couple of nights ago - back to when I was a child. One of my favourite things was reading and I would often read while eating lunch. I can remember it like it was yesterday - that lovely warm cosy feeling it gave me to have a good book (most likely Famous Five) and a plate of sandwiches. I would be happy as larry in a world of my own then I would see my empty plate and wonder what happened to my lunch. I ate so automatically at times I was convinced someone had sneaked in and taken my sandwich - well I couldnt remember eating it!
Years later in one of my many diet books they gave advice about not eating in front of the television etc as your brain isnt registering you are eating so keeps telling the stomach you are hungry.But if you pay attention to your food and conciously taste it and savour it then your body appreciates it and you dont get mixed signals.
Who knew that I was starting to make bad food habits from such an early age - not me!
Add that to the fact that I felt happy eating and reading and suddenly comfort eating when I am happy starts to make sense as well. As for the rest of the comfort eating that is for another day!
For now I am going to start appreciating my food and not just vapourising it
David Viscott: "You must begin to think of yourself as becoming the person you want to be."
Morning (she says in a false bright way!) Trying to keep motivated when all around things are falling apart! Though a lot of what is keeping me motivated today is reading the comments from the other gorgeous girls- thank you x
Right starting to get my energy back so going to do an hours housework which is badly needed and then work for the rest of the day - I have a craft fair on saturday and need to sort out all the stock which is all over the place just now.
The joiners have started taking the plaster off the walls upstairs so I can only guess they are planning on knocking through soon (AAARGH) Mind you having builders in is a great excuse for not doing the housework
Right breakfast is over so back to the grind and this week my reminder to myself is
"You must do the thing you think you cannot do." Eleanor Roosevelt
A wise woman she was - Eleanor Roosevelt - I keep hold of a couple of her quotes. And there is a specific reason for this one.
You see I have done WW before - and was quite successful with it till the kidding started - kidding myself one day off wouldnt matter - which led to 2 days off - kidding myself and extra packet of crisps wouldnt matter - which led to 2 packets of crisps - kidding myself not counting for a day wouldnt matter as I knew what I was eating right? WRONG!
And so I put weight on even though I was follwing the diet wasn't I?
Only I wasn't and that is what I have to remember! I havent had a good week and my initial thought is ignore it! I wasnt well/the kids weren't well/etc etc etc. A hundred excuses instantly sprung to mind! But who am I kidding? I know why I had a bad week.
I had a bad week because last monday & tuesday I didnt eat properly or sensibly , didnt count and ate more than I should have. And I did the same saturday and sunday. So the result is I put on weight this week.
I am on week 2 and already I have fallen foul of old habits. But in a way it is probably as well as it is making me make a choice.
I can go back to kidding myself or I can face facts. Kidding myself is how my weight crept back on - it i only 3 lbs I will lose it next week/I am premenstrual it is fluid/excuse after excuse after excuse.
So no more excuses and no more kidding. I have to do this - I want to do this - and I am not doing myself any favours by avoidance. I have an event in August with all the husbands side of the family and I will NOT be the fat girl.
So from here on in it is the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth and I will do the thing I think I cannot. I will face up to it and I will lose weight.
And more importantly I will be honest with myself.
"You are fooling nobody but yourself!" are my words for me today!
And not just that it was good for my daughter and I to have some quality time together.
AM I MAD????