04/13/2011 04:55
Mojo
I'm trying to find my mojo. I'm pissed off at myself because once upon a time I was down to 181, I stand at 230 and I cannot believe I allowed this to happen.
To be honest I'm not a yo-yo dieter. I've had 2 "diets" in which I lost and gained. The first is my fault for cutting calories to 1000. As if I didn't see that gain coming back. This last time I was on Phentermine to help me lose weight and I was doing great but not droping the numbers my doctor wanted so instead of weaning me off and being supportive she flat out said no more and that was that. The ONE person who was supportive was no more. I haven't seen her since. I've been gaining pretty much ever since.
It's not entirely my doctors fault. I do blame her for not weaning that's for sure. Her biggest problem with it was prescribing it was more work on her end as my insurance changed how they'd authorize coverage and it involved an extra phone call on their end.
I blame myself for letting emotions get in my way and for not staying on track. Not quite 2 years ago...I'd go on daily 30 minute walks around the block, alone or with my daughter. I'd wear my heart rate monitor watch and stay in my fat burning zone. Last spring is when I got a gym membership just as my doctor said no more Phentermine. Sorta worked against me but I've kept my gym membership ever since.
I enjoy the gym once I'm there, the hard part is getting there. The lazy bone kicks in.
Early September 2010 I was laid off from my job, totally blind sided by it. I was 215, I've gained 15 pounds since which sucks since the biggest thing holding me back from hitting the gym on a daily basis was just taken out of the picture.
I'm still laid off and I'm managing fine. I figure I'll look for work towards the end of summer and I'll spend time with my daughter outside this summer.
My plans are to get my ass moving before it's June 1st and I'm still suck at 230 and miserable. I want my swim suit to fit better, I want my nice clothes that I bought summer 2009 to fit me but that won't happen until I'm out of the 200's.
I'm going to bust my hump at the gym. For the next week or so I'm going to aim at 2 hour sessions because there's no reason I can't do 2 hours at the gym. This may seem like over kill but honestly the alternative is me sitting on my ass at home.
Gas prices are crazy and I've become a bit of a hermit since being laid off. If I'm not at the gym for 2 hours I'll be home on facebook or watching movies or in bed taking a nap. So even if it's over kill it's better than the altrnative, see! :)
I don't hit the gym on weekends because I'm not a morning person and I have an 8 year old daughter and no one to watch her unless I get up while everyone sleeps which is so hard for me to do.
Come summer I intend on keeping my membership IF and only IF I can get my ass in gear now. The plan for summer is to get up at 6:30 or 7, hit the gym for about an hour (it's about a mile away) and then get my daughter and I moving for the day, outside, on the beach, taking walks, at the park, at the zoo...anything to keep us enjoying the summer and staying busy and keep me shedding the weight.
I don't have an ultimate goal, I've always said I'd wait and see how I felt at 140-150, I'd still be overweight for my height but at least it's easier to get there than have this huge number hanging over my head of how much to lose. If we want to be realistic I have 100 pound to lose. OMFG. To have been about 1/2 way there and to have to start over really blows.
I know if I can get focused I can do it. I know people do it all the time.
Posted By: RockinonPhen
Add Comment |
Comments (1)
Top
08/25/2010 00:34
Teeny Tiny Baby Steps
Weight Watchers may be a flop for me. I was so hungry I wanted to eat both my arms. Today I didn't do anything major in terms of counting, calories, points, etc. I was just careful all day.
My daughter starts school tomorrow so we went to a state park and walked some trails, more than a mile or so.
Her orientation is in 30 minutes, we're 5 minutes away so I figured now is time for blogging.
Someone suggested I try doing %'s for the foods I eat. So much protein, carbs and fat or something along the lines. I've never done that but I can certainly try with a few pointers.
I'll return to the gym tomorrow, I've been putting it off for one reason or another but they all amount to nothing just excuses.
After taking my daughter to school I'll hit the gym for about an hour, come home, shower and clean and stay busy. It's my first kidless day in 2 months and I will enjoy it. I'll do the same Thursday. Friday I have class myself so I'll hit the gym after class. I hope this sets me on a nice routine, getting her off to school will have me getting up earlier, slowly I'll adjust to go to the gym before she leaves for school.
I took a picture of myself today and my fat face has returned. ;( I really missed my healthier looking normal face, not this bloated fat face I have. That's how I can tell I'm losing weight is my face first.
I can't wait for my size 16's to fit me again. :)
Posted By: RockinonPhen
Add Comment |
Comments (0)
Top
08/22/2010 01:32
Failure
I failed. I'm currently 210 or 207, depending on the morning. Crap. Back here AGAIN. It wasn't fun the first time and now I get a 2nd go at it? Boy did I screw myself or what?
My pants don't fit, I'm very self aware of myself and how I look and I hate it. I've returned to hating my body.
I've gained more than 10 pounds this year and 25-30 since May 2009. OUCH. I could have lost that much and be closer to my goal, instead I took majorly large steps backwards.
I lose some motivation because the numbers on the scale are not new to me. 200 isn't new and neither is 199 or even 189 so I'm struggling hardcore.
It also doesn't help that when I was in the upper 180's my doctor ripped me off of phentermine and I no longer have her support. I refuse to see her for anything because she's already mean about my weight and to have regained it, I don't need the disapproving looks and the snide remarks. They hurt in the past they won't help me in the present.
I'm turning 30 in exactly 3 months. OMG, 3 months! I don't want to 'ring in' my 30th birthday being this weight and hating my body so much.
Tomorrow morning I WILL hit the gym and I WILL put in a good amount of time and I WILL drop this fat and change my ass to my liking. I have 3 months to head towards a happy place. I know I can't make it to 181 like I was in May 2009 but the closest I can get to it the better.
Ready...
Set.....
GO!!!!!
Posted By: RockinonPhen
Add Comment |
Comments (1)
Top
01/05/2010 22:17
Fresh start w/a buddy this time around! :D :D :D
I fail a lot at this weight loss thing but I'm back!!! :)
I have a blog elsewhere and landed myself a buddy that live in my state that has the same goal as me, to lose 50lbs.
I mentioned wanting to lose 50 by June, well 2lbs a week, 25 weeks puts us somewhere in July, that's fine too.
We will motivate and annoy one another into weight loss!
We started yesterday. Our goal is obviously 2lbs a week, not much we can do if it's more. Also to drink 64ounces of water a day, I fail at drinking water at all so this is a HUGE deal for me. We are to work out 30 minutes a day every day, if we don't hit it we make it up another day during the week.
There is no reward in the end but I think there should be. Sure the weight loss is a HUGE weight but I think a reward of sorts is a nice thing to look forward.
This IS a weight loss competition after all! :)
I did my 30 minutes yesterday and today but failed at the water yesterday and made it to 2 servings. Today I'm at 4, so I'm ahead of yesterday! :)
My new weight is gross, 195.8 EW EW EW Yup, I gained big time but over the course of 8 months, I just don't like to update and admit because since September my weight has fluctuated from 183 to what I am now. I want to get into the 170's so bad because I was so very close last spring, so until I'm out of the 180's I haven't hit a new weight, relosing weight SUCKS something fierce!!
Also I have an agreement with another friend that I will get a little black dress when my weight hits 170, not when I'm in the 170's. :D
I have LOADS to look forward to!!! I turn 30 this year and compiled a list of 30 things to do before I'm 30 such as getting my nose pierced (any day now!), another tattoo, wine tasting, camping and hiking, kick boxing and self defense classes, more gardening, etc! :)
Posted By: RockinonPhen
Add Comment |
Comments (0)
Top
11/01/2009 15:29
Welcome November!!
I'm thrilled to be starting a new month, October didn't bring me much happiness.
I fell off the wagon again, stress caught up with me, I didn't eat for days due to stress, ok so I did eat but I ate very little... Once I finally snapped out of the funk I had lost a few pounds but began eating close to normal and BAM! Everything I had lost, including what I lost the right way clung to me. *sigh*
I felt battered, like I didn't deserve to see the scale move, which devestated me because it's one of the few things I want most.
I don't want this body, the reminders of the pain that put the fat here. I've been watching the Biggest Loser, Jillian would have a hay day with me watching things click and me snap. I have a lot of issues, some that I can't 'let go of'... It's not that I can't let them go it's just that I won't forgive certain people for certain things, bad? Perhaps, but for me they don't deserve forgiveness, they haven't done anything to deserve being forgiven. Will that make my journey more difficult? I'd like to think not because I know what my reasons are and they for me are valid, I accept the things that got me here, I hate it all.
I've been really good lately about taking my med, which I'm afraid it may be the last go 'round on. My doctor didn't submit the papers to the pharmacy for my insurance to cover the med, which costs her nothing and me $30 a month. *rawr* Yes it's only $30 but when things get tight, $30 is A LOT of money for me.
I see my doctor on the 9th and I'm determined not to have a set back before seeing her to show her I can lose more weight.
I have come to terms that I will not be to 170 in 3 short weeks because falling off the wagon really does have a bigger impact that we'd like to believe. Can't lie and say I'll try because I'd be killing myself in the process.
I have accepted that if I can get into the 170's that I've done something great. It will be the FIRST time in over 7 years that I will have been in the 170's. I was SO close this past spring but I became too comfortable with myself, which is not a good place to be when still in the losing process. I became overly confident because I could fit into a size 16 which hasn't happened in nearly as long as the 170's!
I should be shooting for a size 14 right about now, it's sort of terrifying because I have a lot of nice clothes (pants) that I love and they'd be too big on me... Not the right reason to stay at this weight but I did spend a small fortune so I could at least look nice for the first time in over 7 years. Tax time is around the bend, maybe by then I'll be closer to a size 14 and that will be how I suplement my wardrobe.
My stressors are still in place, still no word on paternity but I am hanging in there. Each day is different. When I have a bad day it's really bad. I've seem to over come my emotional eating, I work on my emotions now instead of feeding them. I cry, I blog, I go to bed early, I watch movies.... I don't work out when I'm feeling emotional, in fact I'd rather stay away from work outs while emotional, I don't have the strength.
November is upon us, I'm hopeing it brings better things my way, I'm due for my luck to change!!!
Posted By: RockinonPhen
Add Comment |
Comments (0)
Top
10/10/2009 23:21
Liar, Liar!
I skipped my workout on the 8th because I had a migraine and worked later than usual, could be the cause of my migraine. I didn't feel too different from the work out, my butt hurt and that was it.
Then yesterday since I was being a slacker and had just said I would do this work out daily, I did it. Start to finish it's 30 minutes. Yesterday I was bored beyond belief. Jillian talks a lot during the video at times that I think she needs to shut up. It leaves you in poses for longer than it should and it gets annoying. I said I'd try it today with just the music... It's 4pm and I'm not really in the mood to touch the DVD. Terrible.
I am in the mood to use the WiiFit. I haven't touched it in months due to battery issues and my charger not working. I picked up rechargeable batteries and set everything up and was ready only to discover both my Wii remotes needed charging as well. Grrrrr.
Both of them are parked on the charger and everything else is ready to go once there's a big enough charge on the remotes. Friday I picked up WiiFit Plus and I'm interested to see what's new that they added. A friend of mine wants details as she's interested in buying it.
My weight is still steady, my eating is so-so. I'm eating but I'm not too worried about counting calories at the moment because it's not so much that I'm going to balloon up and over my 188.0.
I have 6 weeks to the day to lose 18lbs, that's looking a little steep as it's now over the 2lb a week mark. I'm not saying it's not possible because it is with a strict diet and excersize routine.
What makes it hard is the strict aspect. I don't want to bust my hump and be at a stand still or still not make it to that goal. I also don't want to be chill about it because otherwise I'll settle for ALMOST being 170 and sorry I don't want to settle. If I should lose weight but not get to that goal, it will not be the end all but I have to do this to prove to myself that I can do it.
I've got a lot going on in my 'lovelife' for lack of better word. Long story short, I fell in love with a long time online friend that lives 5 minutes from me. We met a year ago. I wanted to save the friendship and did nothing. Then as I became interested in more he says he might have gotten his friend pregnant. I managed fine until we started spending time together for a few months. Then we had a time where we didn't talk because I wanted more than he could give but I was still happy with getting to know him better... Finally in Sept everything was getting better, I saw him twice, feelings are still there for me... Then the last day of the month that baby came and my world has felt empty. He's not around, he's doing a good thing being there while he awaits the results of a paternity test. Meanwhile I'm miserable, I miss my friend, I miss the man I'm in love with and fear I've lost any chance with him. I've always said I'd be here for him but it's been harder than I could have ever imagined. Yes, I'm aware life goes on but I'm about to be 29, not getting any younger and I've been treated like crap time after time.. Finally I give a good guy a chance and I sit here worried and miserable. Never been here before, not like this, I hope it's a last for me.
I've decided that this is the time to throw myself into weight loss and working on me. Nothing is easy but I want to feel good again, I want that positive spark back so badly.
I'm tired of wanting what I don't have. I can control my weight. I can control what my body does and what I eat. I want to step on the scale 6 weeks from now and see 170 on that scale!!!!
Posted By: RockinonPhen
Add Comment |
Comments (1)
Top
10/08/2009 02:04
Off to a good...
I was off to a good start, re-lost some poundage. Unfortunatly a stressful situation pulled me into a depression for a few days and my usual emotional eating habits were non exhistant. Instead I barely ate a thing for 3-4 days. Now that I'm eating but not entirely back on track (late night eating) I seem to have gained a few pounds. I hope it's due to constipation, bloat, etc. I don't want to see the scale go up, I'd rather see it stay the same. *sigh*
I'm desperately drying to get to 170 by my birthday, anything into the 170's will be great as it will be my lowest weigh in several years. So far my lowest stands at 181.something. I was so close and got myself so far away, it seems harder now than it did before for the pounds to shed off. It's probably my imagination because I want it so bad and I have such a large goal to obtain. My first recent loss was 4lbs in 1 week which was great. 2nd week it was 1lbs and 3rd week it was 1.2 lbs or so. Now with a 2-3lbs gain I'm no closer to reaching 170 by my birthday, in fact it leaves me behind! :(
I started a Biggest Loser work out DVD. I love Jillian so I hope this helps me. I didn't look at the duration of the work out but wished I had once I started because I was tired and sweating my butt off, it felt like it would never end!!! It did! :) Turns out the warm up, work out and cool down totaled 30 minutes. :)
It wasn't something overly complex but there wasn't a huge break down of what to do they just got straight to the point and while I prefer that it really threw me for a loop as I wasn't expecting that. I still feel accomplished. Ordinarilly I'd have given up half way through because I was tired.
I've been watching The Biggest Loser and wish I had Bob & Jillian on my side whipping my ass into shape! I'm not as heavy as those people but I need it to for myself, my daughter, etc. Because of that it's important that I not quit, the people on the show aren't quitting and they are being whipped into shape. I choose what I do, when I do it, for how long, etc.
My choice was a good choice. I'm hopeing I'm a tiny bit sore tomorrow, to know something felt the workout, I feel fine now.
Tomorrow is day 2 of the work out. :) I'm looking forward to it.
Posted By: RockinonPhen
Add Comment |
Comments (0)
Top
09/20/2009 21:48
Results
My first week 'back' on Phen and back on track food wise has already shown me results. I couldn't be happier. Official weigh in isn't until tomorrow so I'll post it then, I still have a wicked dinner to eat. :)
As for calories, I've been tracking all my food and want to stay under or near 1800 calories a day to lose 2lbs a week. I don't force myself to eat up to 1800 calories nor do I prevent myself from eating something if I'll go over 1800 calories. I'm just always aware of what goes in my mouth.
I have more than enough 'healthy' options to choose from when it comes to snacks and things to add to lunch and dinner, it's all a matter of making them or eating them.
I'm trying to find more creative things I can eat that won't break the bank and that can 'stretch' further through the week or be frozen for later.
Tonights dinner is chicken and potatoes with Campbell's cheddar cheese 'soup', it's all in the slow cooker and took no time to cook! The chicken is cooked through and moist and falling apart, the potatoes are also tender and some mushy. Yay! :) It's about 600 calories or so for the 'meal' which includes an entire chicken breast, 2 whole potatoes and the cheese sauce which I think isn't too bad considering it's a meal.
I've set a cut off time for eating. I no longer eat after 7:30 so having that meal so high in calories isn't so bad since it's not very likely I'll snack and if I do it will be fruit or veggies.
We went and picked apples and plums last weekend at a local farm so we have tons of those as well as pears, grapes, bananas, carrots, salad mix, cucumbers and kiwi... I have plenty of healthy before 'bed' snacks.
Dinner might come a tad early tonight since I hadn't anticipated this meal being ready so soon. I also promised my daughter we'd go to the lake and hang out there since it's one or our favorite places. Now that's its dark shortly after 7 we have to leave earlier.
I have been added to a challenge on a blog site for weight loss. They do phases, 12 week phases to lose weight and the max is 24lbs in that phase. I hopped on the band wagon so I will have to be accountable for my weight and the other almost 50 people will see it too. I can handle it since the challenge goes until mid December-ish. I already have my personal goal to lose 2lbs a week until my birthday so it's not much longer beyond that.
The nicest thing about this challenge for me is not only the accountability but that I picked up another diet buddy who is 1lb heavier than myself and has the same general goals. :) Also since it's 12 weeks, I've decided I'm challenging myself to do something with weights every day until the 12 weeks is done.
I know that sounds like an awful lot but it's not. I don't have to spend hours a day on it just as long as I pick them up and do something with them every day.
My biggest reason for doing this is I've been complaining for 6 months now about how I hate my arms and I've done nothing about it. I have free weights they aren't super heavy but over the course of 12 weeks I'm sure I can add to my fitness tools.
Starting tomorrow I will be doing some lifting for my arms and also for my legs/butt. They say 6 weeks to build muscle so I have twice the time I should see results if I stick with it and push myself. :)
Posted By: RockinonPhen
Add Comment |
Comments (0)
Top
09/16/2009 03:24
My Bad
It's mid September, I fell off the weight loss bandwagon, actually truth be told I was at a plateau until I went back on birthcontrol. I'm now 192. So not TOO far off from where I was but I'm trying to get back on the weight loss path.
I still fit in my hard earned size 16's. I do wish I was more dedicated.
I read and hear stories about people that hated to work out but they sucked it up and saw awesome results. I'm very much an instant gratification person. If I don't see or notice results asap I'm very let down, it can be a huge blow to the self esteem and lead me back in the opposite direction.
I want to be 170 by my birthday which is november 21st, a little over 2 months away. According to my calculations I have to lose about 2lbs a week to get to 170 by then. OMG it would be amazing to be that low at that time, it would be the first time I'd see my family at a new low weight and that's ALWAYS positive feedback and very nice. It also means that if I'm in need of a new wardrobe I might have a few extra dollars to throw at it!! :)
I have the eating part down, I'm willing and able and very ready, it's the getting my booty moving part I'm not so thrilled about. :(
Send me some motivational vibes!!!!!!!
Posted By: RockinonPhen
Add Comment |
Comments (0)
Top
05/13/2009 21:35
Nada
Nothing lost, not too much gained.
I got my 1 tattoo, it makes me feel sexier and better, I know how silly that sounds but it's the truth.
I ate for crap this past weekend and didn't take my med. Little did I know why I ate like crap just figured it was due to no med and the fact that I was sort of bumming or something. Then yesterday I get my period without any signs/symptoms which I've grown accustomed to. It's heavier than usual, probably the heaviest I've ever had so that explains the gain in my mind.
I fit into all my size 16's rather well, including my Old Navy pants which I mentioned before were snug. Depending on shirts they range from a M to an XL, most 'normal' shirts I can wear a M, if it's a snugger fitting shirt like a Tank top then it's an L and if it's an even snugger fit like a tight t-shirt I need an L or XL. At any rate I'm thrilled.
I've spent a small fortune on clothes and continue to do so. It helps that even though I'm not exactly where I want to be there is a 50lb loss to consider and ideally I'm not terribly far from my goal depending on which one you look at. The shirts will last for quite awhile. I've invested in wedgie shoes which is out of the norm for me but I'm feeling much more confident in my body.
Now I have to apply that confidence at work so I can break out of my frumpy work clothes and rid my dresser of all of them. I just can't seem to break down and wear nicer clothes to work because they get trashed but I feel gross at work. All this hard work, I should be proud to show it off!!
I've been keeping at a work out routine more over the last few days. I'm going to see The Phantom of the Opera (TPOTO) in August. The girls I'm going with are wearing dresses which means I am too and they will go with me. I'm thinking short black dress but not too short I don't have sexy thighs or anything.
This give me even more motivation to stay on track. Ideally I want to tone my triceps they are so flabby. I also want to tone my thighs so there's not so much jiggle or rub. Lastly I'd like to tone up/flatten my stomach more because if it's a more form hugging fit of a dress I'll look like lumpy potatoes. :)
At any rate I'm extremely excited and hope by the time we see TPOTO I'm down to 165. It's not entirely impossible but it will require a ton of work. Once the weather is consistent and I spend more time outside, drinking water, taking walks, going to parks and zoos and what not I think some of the weight will melt off. Also once fresh produce is more affordable I'll have an easier time as well.
I put in about 45 minutes worth of walking yesterday all of in in my target fat burning zone. I also did 12 minutes of Yoga on WiiFit.
Today I put in 30 minutes of Wii Fit and I'd love to put in 30 minutes of walking but it's a cold semi rainy day so we'll see. If my mom comes home early I'll go walking and my daughter can hang with Grandma, otherwise I may have to drag her along and she's such a grouch.
My cold from last time is still hanging on tight. It's changed a bit, my throat got better 2 weekends ago when I downed orange juice, it burned the hell out of my throat but the next day no more pain!! Since then my cough went from a tickle to a hacking at night can't sleep cough to a once in awhile wet cough. Annoying but not nearly as bad.
I'm watching what I eat at work better again, I was sort of sliding but I'm more on track. There are always so many things that influence what I do or don't do.
A guy can either make me eat more because I'm 'depressed' or because I'm comfortable or I eat less because I have more motivation to look nice ie: date, dress, etc. Work is just stressful and causes me to want to eat all the time while I am there. Home life, I get bored even though I have a million and one things I could be doing... Yeah I have to keep all these things in check for sure.
I'm going to Chicago next weekend to the art museum and to site see, I'm super excited!!!!! I'm driving and kiddo is coming with, I'm heading to a friends place and we'll go into the city for the day. Lots of walking! :) YAY!!!!!
Posted By: RockinonPhen
Add Comment |
Comments (0)
Top
