I finally worked out a couple days ago. Saturday, I think. It's hard to remember. I thought that today was Wednesday, and I nearly cried when I found out it was Tuesday. The days are running together. I can't wait to go to sleep. But the good news is that I got in that workout, even though I haven't done much since. I did 4 miles of WATP. I'm still struggling to eat, but that's getting better. I've been trying to get in plenty of water. I'm not doing very good at anything right now, it seems.
The boys and I will be getting counseling soon. I can't wait. It will be nice to talk to someone who isn't going to tell me what I SHOULD be thinking or feeling or doing. I am so sick of the prevailing attitude around me, which is that everything I'm feeling and thinking is wrong. I already blame myself. Do they REALLY think that they're helping me?
Goals: Water, exercise, SLEEP. Sleep would be nice. I'm going on nearly a month of sleepless nights.
Thanks to everyone who has sent me encouraging emails to ask how I'm doing. I really appreciate your support! I hope that everyone has a spectacular day.
Okay... I'm down a couple more pounds. I have been attemting to eat 3 meals a day, so that I can keep my strength up. I saw my husband on Friday for the first time since the shit hit the fan. It was a bond hearing, but it got canceled at the last minute, so he's still in jail. Needless to say, I didn't eat yesterday. I felt like I was going to throw up all day long.
I got a new Tae Bo dvd on Netflix. This one is designed for kids, so I thought I could get the boys in on the act. They will hardly leave me alone these days, so I thought it would be smart to get them to work out with me, so that I can still get in my activity. Now I just gotta get up the desire to actually move.
I'm going to make it through. If I keep telling myself that, it'll come true, right? I hope so.
Y'al take care, okay? I've been praying a lot lately, and I mention you guys in each prayer. We can do this!
I ate twice yesterday. Fried chicken for lunch and grilled pork loin for supper. Nothing else; just meat. Crappy, I know, but I have no desire whatsoever to stand in the kitchen and make something for myself, so I have been just heating up leftovers in the microwave. Eventually, I will HAVE to get back in the kitchen, if for no other reason than because the leftovers are going to run out soon... :-)
I was going to exercise yesterday. It didn't happen. I don't want to gain back what I've lost, but my only desire is to lay on the couch and stare at the wall. I don't want to go to work every day, but I make myself. I have been forcing myself to help the kids with their homework. It's all I can do to make sure they are eating well and have clean clothes and are doing well. There's nothing left of me FOR me. The little one still cries when he talks about his dad. It makes me so angry that he feels guilt about what happened! I can't wait until we can get into counseling, because I just don't know what to say to make the kids feel better. I keep telling them that what happened isn't their fault, but I think that they can sense that I am thinking that it was somehow MY fault. I just keep trying to tell myself, "This too shall pass."
Throughout all of this, I've been wearing my pedometer. I've only been getting in somewhere between 5,000 and 6,000 steps a day, though. I need to MOVE! I can feel my metabolism slowing with each passing day...
A week has past. It doesn't seem like it. I slept through most of the night last night. I only cried twice yesterday. I am so sick of crying! I ate once yesterday, and I plan on eating twice today. Baby steps, right? I got over yesterday's hurdle, and I am ready to face today. We shall see how it goes, no?
For those who are wondering, I am still hanging in. I finally slept some last night. I ate a little a lunch yesterday, and I ate a pretty good supper. I have another hurdle to overcome today, so my day isn't going so well. I haven't eaten yet, and I have no desire to do so. I will try to get in something later tonight. I need to keep my strength up.
Today I am better than I was yesterday. That is about all I can say. I am still struggling to eat. I did eat a little pizza yesterday, but I haven't eaten today at all. Every time I think about it, it makes me want to gag. I am really only eating so that the boys don't worry about me. Tomorrow will be better than today, and we shall see how it goes.
Hi. Have been gone a while. So much has happened. My husband tried to kill me early in the morning of Nov 22. Shot at me with an AK-47. Needless to say, my life is in a state of turmoil. He is in jail, but I can't sleep in my bed. I can barely sleep at all. And I miss him. But the boys and I came through it physically okay. I have a black eye and some bruises on my arm, but that's it. Apparently, my wonderful Brian was experiencing some things that I didn't notice or understand or something... He got his cast taken off just a couple days before, and was getting ready to go back to work.
As far as my health is concerned, I am struggling to eat anything right now. I ate a little chicken patty yesterday, but it was only to make the boys happy. I wanted to gag. I have been trying to keep fluids in, but I have been spending most of my time crying. There is a bullet hole in the front of my house. The presence of my husband is everywhere, and I miss him, believe it or not. I am going to lose my house, and I don't know how we're going to make it through. Please keep the boys and me in prayers.
Going down... Hey, I realized I AM exercising something!
I'm down a pound today. FINALLY. Of course, I know it's because I've had no appetite and have been struggling to eat even one meal a day. But I ate breakfast today (although it was from McDonald's, which I know is bad, but I was feeling light-headed), and I plan on eating lunch. I'm trying to psyche myself up for a great day. Fake it 'til you make it, right?
The boys? Still making me crazy. I went to Book Study last night without them, and everyone was asking me where they were. I just said, "They're still alive." I suppose that the look on my face stopped any further questioning, because the most I got back was, "Well, at least you're exercising self-control." Yeah, that's about the only thing I'm exercising these days. I'm working so hard at it, however, that it's a shame that I can't lose weight from doing it!
Captain America? He was tipsy from drinking beer when I got home last night. This may sound awful, but I don't really mind when he's a little drunk. In fact, I ALMOST prefer it, because he's not so freaking UPTIGHT when he's in a state of comfortable numbness. There is a fine line, however, between comfortably numb and piss drunk, and the difference in his behavior in each state is marked. He didn't go over the line last night, although he got close. We call our TV/game/computer room "the cave" because he painted it black when we bought the house. Black walls, black ceiling, black carpet, black curtains, black ceiling fan, black furniture... The trim around the floor is red. It's like a black hole in there! Anyway, it's kind of cool when I'm tired and just want to sit and do nothing for a while before going to sleep. So we were watching a little telly and talking, and I made a comment about a lot of Jehovah's Witnesses being able to fix things around their houses, because a lot of the men help build the Kingdom Halls, and they learn how to lay brick and do drywall and install plumbing and wiring and all that handy stuff. I guess it didn't sit well with him (I honestly wasn't trying to provoke him), because he stomped out of the room muttering (quite loudly), "F*c$ Jehovah's Witnesses! Who cares about Jehovah's Witnesses? I don't! I don't care about Jehovah's Witnesses." Well, I'M a Jehovah's Witness, so how am I supposed to feel about that? I kept telling myself that he was drunk and was walking the tightrope between being happy and being belligerent, but it really ticked me off. When he came back, he was cool, but I wasn't. Every time he tried to talk to me, I didn't want to hear it. I kept telling him to please be quiet and turn up the TV. I am deaf in one ear, so it isn't exactly unusual for me to not be able to hear, but I just didn't want him to talk to me anymore, and I couldn't think of anything kind to say to him. The only kindness I could think of was to make conversation impossible. I hope he isn't drunk tonight when I get home. It seems like he's drinking every night, and it worries me. I hope his leg heals soon.
So my goals for today are going to be REALLY simple. I'm going to walk as much as I possibly can. I'm going to drink as much water as I can. I'm going to eat lunch. I'm going to be kind and respectful to everyone, even if they aren't the same towards me. And tomorrow, when I come back here and start assessing how I did today, I'm going to set my next goals to be a bit higher and better than I did today. Hey, even incremental success is good, right? In the meantime, I'll also pray that I can fend off the nervous breakdown that I keep half-joking about, and I'll pray that each of you has a great day. I CAN do this, and I WILL.
Unbelievably, the cast is STILL ON!!! Captain America's doctor isn't happy with the progress of the break, so he has sentenced CA to ANOTHER TWO WEEKS in the walking cast. I'm going to go over in the corner and have a nervous breakdown now. I'll try to be quiet...
I haven't exercised in what seems like forever. I'm bored with my dvds, it's been rainy here, and I've just been worn out every day. I go to bed exhausted, I wake up exhausted, and I spend my days calculating the hours until I can go back to sleep. My weight is holding steady, though, so that's good. I mean, I certainly wish it was going down, but I'm glad that it hasn't gone UP while I'm taking this unplanned break from taking care of myself.
My kids are making me crazy! Boys 2 and 3 are always fighting, and Boy 1 is struggling with some sort of male early-teenage angst that neither I nor Captain America can figure out. Report cards came home the other day. Boy 3 made straight A's, which we were expecting, since he's in the gifted program at his school. Boy 2, who would be in the gifted program if he would get his head out of the clouds and concentrate on what his teacher is saying, brought home B's, C's, and D's! D's! Boy 1 brought home THREE D's! One of them was in P.E.!!!! When I asked him about it, he told me that he hasn't been participating in class, because he doesn't feel like it, or he doesn't have the energy. This is the same child who I have to tell EVERY SINGLE DAY to stop running in the house and stop jumping down the stairs, so he doesn't hurt himself or someone else. What does he mean, he doesn't have the energy to run and jump and play? AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
So I feel like no one is listening to me, like I'm invisible, like the sounds coming out of my mouth don't carry past my lips. I've been slack in praying, which is probably part of my problem. I haven't been taking time for myself, which is another part of my problem. It's so damn hard to just get through the day sometimes, ya know? I've been getting to work really early (like an hour early), just so I can sit at my desk and be alone. I love my family, but I often dread going home. I can't seem to communicate effectively with the kids. Maybe I'm just too tired to keep after them. I don't know. Things are better between the Captain and me, but he's itching to go back to work, and I can't blame him for being snappy towards me, especially when it's so hard for me to be shiny and happy these days. Nevertheless, the situation doesn't exactly make me want to beat a path to my own front door. I'm trying to get a more positive outlook.
First of all, I must report that Captain America finally got his cast taken off yesterday!But, since the bone STILL isn’t healed properly, he’s now in a walking cast and still isn’t able to return to work.It’s been, what?Eight weeks already?He’s disappointed that he can’t return to work.His leg looks strangely skinny.I couldn’t help laughing at it, because he has always had these amazing, muscular legs, and now just his left calf is skinny.It looks strange.And his lower leg (where the break is) still looks weirdly lumpy, probably because his leg is still broken.How long does it take a leg to heal, anyway?Obviously more than 8 weeks…
I got in lots of water yesterday, and I ate pretty well.I had about half of a big antipasto salad for supper.So yummy!Captain America and the Boy Wonders had pizza, and I didn’t even want any.Yay for me!
I did not, however, get in any exercise.I was exhausted when I got home (LLLOOOOOONNNNGGGGGGGG day at work), and I just wanted to rest.I didn’t even go to Book Study, which upsets me more than not exercising.I just ate supper, chatted a bit with Captain America and the Boy Wonders, and fell asleep curled up next to CA on the couch.I was out before 9:00 pm!Makes me feel so OLD!
I still can’t believe that I’ve finally gotten past 25 pounds!I honestly thought I was going to stay in the 23-pound loss range forever, perpetually “misplacing” and re-finding the same few pounds.I figured that, when I got on the scale this morning, I would see a gain.I know it sounds irrational, but I have just come to believe that, if I slack off in any way, even if it’s just for a night, my body is going to retain water or fat or something that makes the scale show a gain.I was thrilled to see the scale show the same as it did yesterday.But I gotta get in another workout.It won’t happen tonight (Theocratic Ministry School), but I MUST do it Friday.I keep telling myself that I HAVE TO work out on Friday after work.There is no choice in the matter.I must take the time to take care of myself.So, even if I have a bad day, even if the kids are making me crazy, even if I just plain ol’ don’t want to do it, I have no choice but to work out on Friday after work.It literally is a life-or-death situation.I WILL do it!
In the meantime, I am still working on getting in all of my food (breakfast still eludes me, but I’m trying), drinking lots of water (at least all those trips to the bathroom are helping me to reach my daily steps goal), meeting my steps goal (yesterday I got in 6,295 steps, even though I didn’t work out), and being kinder than necessary to everyone (still sometimes the hardest goal to meet).I can do it!
It’s finally cooling off a little down here, but it won’t last long, I’m sure.There’s an Oktoberfest in Melbourne this weekend, and I hope that we can go.I would love to get outside and enjoy some fresh air, and the walking around will do us all some good.I hope I can drag Captain America out of the house!
As usual, I hope everyone has a great day.Let’s keep at it!
