Healing My Body Image

I am trying something a bit different tomorrow.  A friend of mine does energy healing and has been working on healing negative body images wwwbodymindconnection.ca.  These are individual phone sessions but the focus is the same for everyone that day.  She asked me to send her some words on current beliefs I hold about myself and my body.  I wrote them out...that wasn't' the hard part.  It was really difficult to read them.  I saw... that I feel shame, embarrassment, unworthiness...horrible feelings that immediately made me want to start searching my cupboards for the closest thing to a cookie. 

I don't wan't to attract unwanted attention

I want to cut off some of my body parts

How could anyone love/respect me?

How could my husband find me remotely attractive?

I really feel motivated to clear these issues.  I know that there will be pain while releasing them...because that means I have to really feel them...all the way through.  (taking a deep breath)<%2

goal

I am going to write down for the world to see the big & the little goals for my weight loss.  It's one thing to say "I'm gonna loose 30 lbs" but quite another to get there without feeling like it's just too overwhelming.  It's probably better that I have little goals to help me along.  I think 5 lbs a months is do-able. 

Start       185  (total to loose = 30 lbs)

Feb 05   180 (going to Mexico Feb 19th)

Mar 05    175

Apr 05     170

May 05    165

June 05   160

July 05 %2%

VM needs a 'roll' option

I love the virtual model...it just needs a few rolls to be accurate! 

I have a hard time really seeing myself as I am.  I watch other women's figures to get an idea of what I actually look like.  I have often harrassed my DH with questions like 'do I look like her?' (poor bugger...there is no good answer to that one!)  But really, I have such a distorted view of myself.  I still think I look like I did 40 lbs & 10 years ago.   And I'm ALWAYS surprised when I see a recent pic of myself!  I mean I know i have put on alot of weight and I have been known to have a knock-down drag-em-out fight with myself (feeling bloodied, bruised and defeated).  But lately I've tried to not be so self defeating because I think what you water grows.  I've been thinking that all this time I've been thinking 'god you're fat, god your fat' as my personal mantra...that I am creating exactly what I think I am.  What a concept! 

So...I am changing my mantra to 'I am a beautiful, slim woman with loads of energy and look'in hot!!'

My Word For The Year

So on New Years Eve I was at a family gathering and my aunt piped up "Last night your Mom & I choose our words for the year!".  I knew my mom had chosen last years word to be 'peace' and she maintained that focus in everything she experienced.  We never really talked about it...it was just something she quietly focused on. 

I am a mom to a 5 year old boy, wife to a great guy and work 32 hrs a week as an esthetician.  My nature is to care for people with such detail that I often loose myself in the rush to be 'super woman'.  I take great pride in my giving energy at work, in my ability to cook a great meal, to volunteer at school, to start a book club....but I am curious to see what would happen if I quietly changed my perspective.

I chose my 'word' fairly quickly on New Years.  I wanted it to be a good one, but not cliche.  I wanted it to seriously matter to me.  I wanted it to be challenging to me.  I wanted to learn from it.  So my word for 2008 is 'honesty'.  Not how I realate to others%2