OK, I'm not a little person, and therefore the thought of wearing a swimming suit just sort of makes me cringe. I do my very best to avoid it at all times.
However, that said, I also grew up in Minnesota (land of 11, 467 lakes), and I now live in SW Texas, where it's HOT. So, I swim, which ultimately requires a swimsuit.
Nothing is as unflattering as fat people in a bad suit. I include beer belly guys who wear suits three sizes too small with their belly hanging over the top. Every time they get out of the pool, I see more than I care to! You know what I'm talking about! Equally unappealing is large women in bikinis or large women in unsupportive suits. Now, I'm not saying that larger women should not wear swimming suits at all, I'm saying to invest in a good one. I'd rather see a large woman in an outdated suit that looks good on her, than a large woman in a fashionable suit that looks horrible on her.
Many years ago I bought I really bright flowered suit. Surprisingly, the bright colors looked good on me, and several friends said to me that they wished that all larger people would look as decent in a swimming suit as I did in that one. I still have it. I don't love it anymore, but it did serve me well for several years.
I've tried plain black suits from Wal Mart. There is no support in these things so --- well, you might as well be out there wearing a black t-shirt.
I bought a black suit from a catalog. The cups were so molded that water would fill up and drain out in less than natural ways. When we would go camping, it would take my suit 10 times longer to hang on the line to dry, and it was embarrassing to have those big ole mama cups visible a mile away.
At the end of last summer, I happened to see a swimming suit at JCPenny's that was originally $80, marked 75% off. It was a size 24 and it is cute shades of green, teal, and royal in sort of an underwater design. It was so cute, that I didn't even try it on until I got home. It didn't fit. I put it away, tags still on. It made me sad because it was such a cute suit.
Fast Forward to yesterday. My next door neighbor's guests were gone, and the kids wanted to swim (she has told us to use the pool anytime). When I went to pull out the trusty flowery one that is a million years old (I bought it before I married my husband, so it's more than 12 years ago), I saw the one I bought at JCP, tags still on.
What the Heck, I have a handful of clothes that I can fit into, now that I'm down 20 pounds. It MIGHT fit.
And, it did... it was a bit stretched across my hiney, but it was still very cute and looked okay on me.
In fact, I felt so good, that we stayed longer than I had anticipated (and now I'm badly sunburned!).
I have two doctors. My regular practitioner kind of doctor has given me the go ahead to do slow jogs in my interval walks to get my heart rate to 70-80% range. He says as long as I can regain my breath easily and feel no pain in my joints during or after, then I'm good.
My second doctor is my best friend, and she is a chiropractor. She is not your run of the mill chiropractor. Her practice has far more to do with therapy and rehab and pain management. She says, no running at my weight (281) because I will end up with joint issues---if not now, then later. She advocates walking, but not the slow jog. When I tell her that I'm trying to maximize my heart rate---something I cannot do while walking (I've tried)---her responce is---"Yeah, well you'll have a healthy hear while your in your wheelchair." She is adamant about this---and I know she wouldn't steer me wrong.
But, I actually enjoy walks when I run. I breaks up the monotany, gives me something to strive for. I only run 50 yards or so, then walk a half a track, and run another 50 yards, and so on for four laps around the track (1 mile). I have no problem restoring my breathing to normal, and my ankles do hurt AFTER the walk---if I let them tighten up. Usually, if I get in the shower right away they're fine---if I sit down to drink a bottle of water, or enjoy the morning with my dogs and kids---yes, it hurts when I get up, and continues to hurt until I take an Aleve.
OK, first of all, thanks for the support. I don't know if it's imaginable to understand how unbalanced I feel right now. I mean, I truly love my AKs. Yet, I'm torn apart about the fact that they drive me insane! I'm as proud of them as can be---most people can't get me to stop talking about how proud of them I am! But, after spouting about how wonderful they are, I now feel like an incomplete thought.... I feel like adding the Big But...
Heaven knows my butt is big enough!
I suppose it all has to do with expectations. I'm still expecting my CHILD, and yet they are full grown adults. From that, I guess I'm expecting well-seasoned adults, which they are not. Equally, they expect me to be something different from what I am doing, so the tension is high. They want me as "mom" but at the same time, they want to be independent. They want me there sometimes and not at other times. BUT, I can't figure out the code.
This morning I spoke with my 8 & 10 year old about how they have to remember that I'm still their mother, even though their adult sister and brother don't have to ask for permission, THEY do. We talked about how sometimes I have to say NO, and be the bad guy, and yes, I expect them to upset with me, but that doesn't mean they need to question every decision I make. In fact, I said, their questioning will only make things worse for them. And finally, I told them that while their brother is home on leave,and their sister is not working full time yet, there's a lot of entertainment, they have to understand that it's a temporary situation, and I won't be able to take them bowling/skating/swimming/shopping/whatever everyday. There are days that we'll do fun things---swimming, crafts, cooking projects---but there will also be days that I have to work around the house or even at school. I'm terribly afraid these first days with AKs will set a precedent for the rest of the summer.
My eating has been off. I try to keep things healthy. My 19 year old son is a 154 pound, 6'4" human garbage disposal. The boy eats anything and everything in great and massive quantity. And so, everything I cook, I have to consider cooking it in quantity. My normal old healthy recipes don't work well in quantity! And then, of course, because I'm Mom, I want to fix some of his favorite dishes. Homemade tortillas (not low fat), strawberry shortcake, waffles, etc. He's in the Coast Guard, and is used to eating in the galley, so isn't it normal to want to feed him his favorite foods??? Problem is, his favorite foods are killing me.
Balance, Balance Balance.... perhaps I need to set my food goals aside until he leaves in a week. Or, am I making excuses and rationalizing my eating???
The end of school got me. Well, that an some other things described below. Bascially, my life long demon got me.... More on that later.
The end of school was grueling. I'm the first to admit that the life of a school librarian is not as stressful as that of a classroom teacher (did that for 14 years). But the first two weeks and the last two weeks of school make up for it. Getting the books back in, counting textbooks, and ordering all the workbooks and so forth never ends...
I should have been exercising, but I was so exhausted all the time that giving up that extra 50 minutes of sleep each morning just didn't happen. Realistically, I can't change that, so I don't dwell on it.
The last week of school was equally bad with food. The teacher's lounge was filled with goodies. I was stressed, and therefore my little brain wasn't functioning in the preventative health way. I comforted myself with food.
And, on top of all this is the biggest issue of all. My adult children (two of the three) are at home. My daughter's boyfriend is also coming this weekend. I love my kid, who are actually my stepkids, but I've been married to their dad for 12 years, and their bio mom passed away before that, so for the most part, I'm the mom they know. These two that are home are 19 and 20.
Having Young Adults at home is so incredibly stressful. I feel like I'm constantly being looked at under the microscope. Everything is questioned. They want to be independent. I want them to be a decent houseguest who at least notifies their host when they will be home, and to clean up their messes.
On top of this, my husband and I have two children (their half siblings) who are 10 and 8. My young adults feel that it's okay for them to play parent and cart my little kids around with them without asking. I remind them daily that I am their parent, and they have to check with me before taking the younger kids anywhere. Thankfully, my husband fully supports me on this.
But, it makes me the perpetual bad guy. I have to say NO. My 20 year old daughter wanted to take them swimming in the creek. The creek---has slippery rocks and every year there's kids who get hurt slipping on the rocks and hitting their heads. I would say there's 5-10 of these accidents in the newspaper a year. In the 12 years I've lived here, there have been 4 fatalities from kids slipping, hitting their heads, and drowning before parents knew they were missing. So, I said no. But now, my younger kids call me Count Duku (from Star Wars). LOL. The big kids want to take them to Fast Food for lunch everyday. I said, "That's great for you---but I prefer they eat something healthier at home." My adult Kids (AKs) roll their eyes, and the younger ones just feel like I'm the meanest person in the world.
My husband, bless his heart, says to me that we are lucky that are AKs want to spend time with the little ones. He tells me to choose my battles, and that I'm making mountains out of molehills. With the AKs home, he spends time with them in the afternoons and evenings....which is good. With school out, I'm home all day, so I see them all then. But, I miss my time with my hubby.
Lonliness has sent in. My little kids want to spend time with my AKs. My husband wants to spend time with my AKs. My AKs second guess everything I do (you didn't let us do that when we were little...). I feel like I'm alone and unwanted. Yes---I'm being a spoiled brat. I'm used to being in the center of everyone's world, and now I'm not.
So yesterday, I ate. I ate and ate and ate. I was actually sick because I ate. I had to go to town to take E to cub scouts, and I stopped, even though I wasnt' even remotely hungry, at Wendy's for fries and a frosty. Then I came home and made a big dinner and ate three homemade tortillas. I kept thinking about why I was eating so much, and I realized that it was to fill a void.
ON A POSITIVE NOTE...I STARTED EXERCISING AGAIN THIS WEEK, AND EVEN THOUGH I PROBABLY SHOULDN'T, I'VE BEEN INCORPORATING SHORT SPURTS OF RUNNING INTO MY 2 MILE WALK. I walk to the school (1/2 mile) and then walk four laps of the track (1 mile). In each lap, I've set up four orange cones, about 1/2 of a straight track side long on each side. I run between the cones. Today I moved them out a few yards. I plan on doing this until I can run the curves and walk the straights. The exercise high one gets from running is pretty amazing.
I never figured I'd be running...maybe I'm running away.
With one week of school left, but the day off today (thanks for Inclement Weather make-up days), I'm left pondering what work outs I'll do this summer.
Here in SW Texas, it gets HOT. During school year, I've been getting up at 5:00 am and doing in-home walking. I do this because I live extremely rurally, and when it's dark, there's critters. Lots and lots of critters that I don't want to meet on my morning walks (think skunks, jackrabbits, snakes, armadillo, etc). Today, I went out at 7:30, and it was fine. I walked for 45 minutes, but it wasn't a cardio-blast type of workout. It was like a nice walk.
But, I'm pondering what to do in the summer. Do I get up early and continue with the in-home walking? Or, do I laze around and wait for daylight and then take my outside walk???
Why is this such a dillema? Well, I know myself. I know that during the school year, I can get up at 5:00 because it's routine. But in the summer, those routines go out the window. I know that I'll stay up late and then sleep late and then use the excuse that it's too hot to go out.
I really can't wait until I reach the point that I can do other things besides walk...
Today's Weigh In---281.3. Not great, but I'll take it without complaining. Last week was a bear, and I'm just happy to be back to my routine.
I got up this morning and did my Interval Workout. Besides the getting up part, it felt great!
Tonight for dinner, I threw some stuff together---and it was so yummy, so I'm going to share it with you. AND, according to my calculations via calorie-count.com, this tasty dish has only 253 calories (without the rice).
Here goes... This made enough for SEVEN. My kids decided to call this Texas Tiki Chicken.
1.75 pound chicken
2 tbsp canola oil
1/2 white onion, sliced into rings
1 small green pepper
1/2 cup Barbecue sauce
2 tbsp brown sugar
1 cup orange juice
Brown the chicken in the canola oil. Add onion and green peppers and cook until crisp/tender. Stir together bbq sauce, brown sugar, and orange juice. Pour over chicken, and cook until chicken is cooked through. Serve over rice.
Monday: After a weekend with the stomach flu, I was euphoric with my weight. On top of that, my underwear are getting too big!!! I felt really full---like everything I ate just swelled up to three times its size inside of me, and then DING, discovered it was that TOM, three or four days early. Basically, a great day!!! The only down was that my DH left for a weeklong business trip.
Tuesday: In the middle of the night, my 8 year old came to tell me he was sick (pukers in the hallway, in the family room, in the dining room). This continued every 30 minutes until he finally settled down at 430, just in time for me to get an hour of sleep! I stayed home from school, but was exhausted. I realized at 400 or so that afternoon that I hadn't eaten anything ALL day.
Wednesday: Early in the morning, thunderstorms went through our area which were bad, and the Weather Radio kept going off. The kids stayed put, but I couldn't get back to sleep. On Wednesday afternoon I had a dentist appointment, and then the kids wanted me to make mac and cheese. Geeze, I was so tired, and if there's ONE thing that totally throws me off kilter from my goals and plans is FATIGUE. I was okay with cals, but bad on sodium.
Thursday: Early in the morning, my daughter, 10, came to me with bad stomach pains. After two hours of sleeping with me, which meant neither of us got sleep, she went back to her room. But then, I couldn't sleep either! I hate when DH is gone! I caught an hour before the alarm went off. When I got up, DD said she still felt gross, although she hadn't "gotten sick." So, I spent the day home (again) with her.
At 10:00 am, I calculated that all total, I've had 10 hours of sleep since Monday morning. I'm exhausted.
And disappointed. I really wanted to stick tight to my exercise regime while my hubby was gone. I wanted to be amazingly organized and on top of things---good food, exercise time, have the house ready for my two adult kids coming home in the next couple weeks----I wanted to do it all, to prove to myself that I could.
But I can't.
My DH called tonight, and I just started to cry. I told him that when he walks in at 11:00 pm tomorrow night, I'm going to collapse in exhaustion. My eating hasn't been great. I haven't been exercising. I feel like all I've been doing is washing laundry and cleaning up puke.
On top of that, I found out today that we won't get our Economic Stimulus check until late JUNE because we used TurboTax.
And my neighbor just called to warn us that she killed a 2 1/2 foot Rattlesnake in her backyard tonight (with the lawnmower).
On Friday, we took a field trip at school to the planetarium and then to a pizza/video game place for lunch. Since Pizza is not one of my favorites, I opted for a nice big salad at the salad bar.
WRONG CHOICE.
The lettuce looked a bit old, but I really didn't think of it too much. That night, however, my body rebelled. Obviously the lettuce was more than just old. Or perhaps it was something else. Whatever it was, it didn't agree with me, and I woke up with ... well, use your imagination.
I spent the day in bed and bathroom yesterday, but today I'm feeling alive again. I had some toast this morning and just now I had a piece of turkey on a piece of french bread.
DH is going out of town tomorrow for a week, and I absolutely need to be at the top of my game all week. So much to do at school these last few weeks, and my daughter is coming home from college on Friday, and my son on leave from the Coast Guard at the end of the month.
THIS IS NOT THE TIME TO GET SICK!
The last time I got this food poisoning thing was at IHOP, and it was in March. Maybe I need to stop eating out!! I lost five pounds and promptly gained it all back, so I'm not expected any positive results from being sick. How sad to go for 36 hours with no food, and not have any results!
After whining and bumming all weekend about no weight loss (Sunday morning I was at 291), I got up weighed in and woo-hoo-----the miracle happened!
Say goodbye to the 90s for awhile!
I also got up to work out, but the DVD was dirty, and kepts stopping and skipping, so I quit in frustration at 33 minutes. Still, I got up and did something!
More later...I'm just thrilled with my official numbers! I hope it wasn't a fluke!
If you're keeping up with me, you know that I've been struggling with attitude for the past week. I've been eating alright enough, and working out, but the scale is not my friend. I'm not expecting any miracles for tomorrow (official weigh in).
Yesterday I had to force myself to go mind over matter. My DH started my day with Low-Cal/High Fiber Toast with turkey bacon and a scrambled egg (in microwave). That's good, because the day was going to be busy---
At Noon, we met with my 10-year olds three best friends for a girls day out (as per her birthday request). First, lunch at the Chinese Buffet, the shopping at the mall, and then bowling.
Now, all would be good---except that at the Buffet, they no longer have salad---just a light sampling of fresh fruit. So I told myself to stick with some grilled poultry (teriaki chicken), and some sauted mushroom,and a titch of rice. Problem was, the honey chicken called my name, as did the Crab ragoons.
We walked a lot at the mall---probably not all of lunch off, but it did help. I didn't eat again until the bowling alley, where I had a small obligatory piece of cake.
My weight this morning was 291.9---some of which is probably water weight from the salty Chinese food, but still!!!!
So this morning, when we went grocery shopping, I vowed to make sure I got healthy healthy healthy food.
Problem is, I was hungry going in. I hadn't had breakfast because my DH was in a hurry. That by itself was probably okay, but then my 8 year old son slammed his thumb in the truck door---bad... My husband had hit the "lock" button, so E couldn't get the door open to get his thumb out, and then he kept pulling at the handle while my husband was trying to unlock it---what a nightmare! E was screaming in the parking lot, and it seemed like five minutes, but I suppose it was really only about 20 seconds.
So, we went into the store, and I found him a cup of ice at the deli to put his rapidly turning purple thumb into while we shopped (cut me some slack---we live 35 miles from the grocery store). My concern now was not on healthy healthy healthy, but on my whimpering child, as it should be. We didn't do all that bad, but by the time it was all over, I was stressed and hungry---A LETHAL COMBINATION FOR ME.
So, to pacify my hurting hungry child, my husband agreed to take them to McDs on the way home. I noticed that McD's has brought back the SW salad in my region (it's been gone for a few months now), so DH and I decided to get one of those. Problem is, we were getting it to go, and it's almost impossible to eat a salad in the car! I also ordered a cheeseburger, which I devoured before we were even out of the drive-through.
Since I skipped breakfast, and was 1/2ing my salad with DH, I'm still okay on calories---but not healthy. There's still a chance it will all be okay.
My goal this week is to do 4 - 45 minute Interval Workouts, and 2 Strength training workouts. We'll see if that might jump-start my losses again.
