It's all aobut me today... Just Jen.... I called in for a mental health day and I don't care. Usually I feel guilty, but not today. It's 9:30 and I've already been to Curves and took the girls to school. Today I plan on getting my nails done and going to Lane Bryant. I bought a pair of pj pants in a size 14/16 and though they fit, but they are not the comfy baggy fit I like in pj pants. I was going to keep them as a measuring tool, but I really want to wear them now. I may even go for a walk and get in more APs.
I do plan on doing one thing that is not for me, but for Ryan. Mark brought home a laptop. I want to install the wireless internet connection on it. I thought I was doing it right, but I'm not so I am gonna call the router people for support.
Yesterday was a little tough, even though I was trying to not stress. In less then 9 months we are going to be living a different kind of lifestyle, less month, smaller house, but hopefully more happiness. I am so use to going out to eat when I want, shopping when I want. Last night we had not planned on anything for dinner and Mark and I agreed it would be an easy "fend for yoursel" night (soups, sandwiches, etc). Well, I got the idea of a cheeseburger in my head. When I tried to get Mark to agree to order out and he wouldn't I got kind of cranky. I made myself two boca burgers and called it dinner. I was happy later on when I realized it has been 2 weekends where we have not eaten out. This is how it is going to be when we move. I might as well get use to it now. We are not going to eat out as much, not as much shopping. This is going to be tough, but I think I can do it.
It feels like I have not written in a while, but it has only been 3 days. On Thursday I went to my first weigh-in since recommitting and I lost 4.5lbs. I have been so good at tracking my food the past week and a half. Every morsel I put in my mouth has been journaled and I have been completely on track without depriving myself. I even had Cold Stone Creamery last night (full-fat, full everything) and was still within program. I feel almost high - or is that the sugar???
It bothers me that I let things bother me too much. I am struggling, but working on choosing my battles. My house is a mess, but I am trying to not let it stress me out. I need to remember we are a busy family with work and school. If we are happy, but there are dishes in the sink then the fact that we are happy should be more important, not the dishes in the sink. But instead I stress over the dishes and put everyone in a bad mood, ruining the happiness. Does that make sense? I want us to love each other and respect each other for who we are, not because your room is clean, or you took the clothes out of the dryer (however, that is very helpful). I feel I focus too much on the material things then the real important stuff. This could by why I am overweight. I stress too much about unimportant stuff, so when something big happens everything blows up totally out of proportion. I don't know if I am making any sense, but I really feel that the root of my weight is stress. Stress that I put on myself, not anyone else.
Well, off to putz around the house. Yes, I'm cleaning, but I am not going to stress over what gets done today. Just enjoying my house and my family and being together.
It's rainy today. A perfect day to stay home, curl up in a big blanket with the remote and a big bowl of popcorn, dazing in and out of naps. But I am here like a good little worker holding down the fort as Pete and Lisa (attorneys I work for) are off dealing with clients.
Tonight is my first weigh-in since rejoining WW. At the beginning I was feeling sort of bloated and not well, but something happen last night after I returned from Curves. I was started feeling pretty good, not bloated and sort of light and healthy. I love that feeling.... why do I stray from it?
I am proud to say that I have tracked EVERY SINGLE POINT this week. I love having e-tools it is like a little computer game for me. I love the organization of it and seeing my day on the screen. Of course I could write it down on paper, but it just looks so nice and neat on the computer. I love playing with the receipe builder and seeing how many Points my favorite recipes are.
Off to record my breakfast (WW yogurt, sliced up peach and 1 cup of Kashi Good Friends all mixed together - 5pt).
I turned on the t.v. and saw the most horrifying site I have ever seen in my life. It still boggles my mind that something of this magnitude could happen. I am fortunate enough to not have a loved one or know anyone in New York that day. Though I only live 1 hour away by train to NYC and the devistation it created in my town is unreal. I watched a special last night on t.v. which I have seen before and all the feelings came rushing back. Currently I am listening to WPLJ in New York City and it is just heart breaking. People are calling in and venting, crying, sharing stories.... I am doing what I can to keep back the tears. I cried then, I was scared for my country, my family.
I feel so bad that this morning I started off the morning by yelling at my girls to get moving because I needed to get to work. Who the hell cares if I am 10 mins late to work... I have my babies, I have my husband, I have my loved ones.
Give your babies an extra big huge this morning.
It makes all this weighloss stuff really insiginficant. But I will post a bit. I did really well this weekend. I journaled every bit and got in all my water. I could have done better on the fruits and veggies, but I had to go to the grocery store so bad (I did go yesterday). Oh and today is day 5 without diet coke. I don't know if this has anything to do with it, but I have been having headaches on and off since Thursday. Mark told me just drink a soda yesterday because of the headache, but I would not do it. I'm gonna get off the junk if I have to live off of Tylenol for the rest of my life.
Phew.... I feel so much better!!! I must have lost tons of water weight yesterday - I can feel it (I hide the scale now in the basement - I'm thinking of getting rid of it completely). I was very diligent in counting my points yesterday and drinking water (just over 64oz).
I met my aunt at Weight Watchers last night and it was so nice to have someone next to me going through the same thing. Yeah, I know I was doing Weight Watchers at Work and had people around me doing it, but this is my aunt... and I care if she succeeds (isn't that horrible). The leader is great! So motivating and so informative. She really made you think that it was possible! The room was completely full with lots of very talkative people. There was a man that lost 150lbs and another man who lost 100lbs. A woman that lost 85lbs. It was all amazing and inspirational.
I got weighed in and gained back all the weight I lost during the at work program. But at least it did not bring friends. The at Work leader said that if they do another session that I can sit in on the meetings too. That is nice, so I will still be doing it with everyone.
I soooooooo have to go grocery shopping this weekend. There is not much Jen friendly foods in the house, but I am getting by for today. I did pretty good in getting in all my daily goals. Not perfect, but that is okay. Ohh biggie here!! I DID NOT HAVE ANY DIET SODA YESTERDAY!!! I am trying so hard to not drink it. At dinner I had iced tea. I really want to get off the junk - it's like liquid crack - lol.
I am so glad that today is finally here. I am joining WW with my aunt this evening. However, today I feel like crap. I wish I could call in fat. I don't feel like being here at work. I believe I have actually hit rock bottom. I stepped on the scale this morning and I am the heaviest I have ever been. What the heck am I doing to myself?!?!
I am so upset with myself. I signed up for WW at Work 3 months ago (today is the last meeting) and as of this morning I officially lost no weight on the program. It is not the program at all.... it is all my fault. There is no one else to blame but myself as to why I did/do not succeed. I am so sick of this vicious circle I live in. It is turning extremely distructive because I am starting to not to care at all what happens. I want to lose weight so bad I can taste it, but I end up getting wrap up in the moment. I let food control too much of my life.
I just can't live this way anymore. Why do I do this to myself???
When I have daily goals, I feel organized. I need to get in the swing of things. My eating has been a downward spiral (which I am getting under control today) and my house is overrunned with clutter. So with that, I need to get my ass in gear and have daily goals for myself.
I want to acheive the following things everyday:
Exercise (at least 30 mins per day)
Water (at least 100oz per day - this will slowly elimiate my need for soda - keep your fingers crossed!)
Veggies (at least 4 per day - 2 at each meal)
Fruits (at least 2 per day - 1 at breakfast and 1 at lunch)
Milk (at least 2 per day )
Vitamin & Medication (before I go to bed)
Journal (every day - thoughts, feels & food)
Write a to-do list everyday (and follow it!)
Do some kind of cleaning every day (so I am not doing so much cleaning on the weekend)
Fill a Garbage bag for Good-Will every week (that is how much crap is in my house!!!)
These are my baseline for each day. If I do more great, if not then I strive to do better the next day.
I had my week of over endulging. Wednesday night I went out to dinner with my two pregnant best-friends. Totally stuffed myself, but found a spot in my stomach that was able to hold a "love it" size cake batter ice cream (oh my God I have never had anything like it before in my life) from ColdStone Creamery.
Friday - Monday I just gorged myself. I ate, drank and was merry. It was great. But now....I'm back on the wagon.
My goal is to lose 20lbs by December 3rd (my 36th birthday). I am joining Weight Watchers with my aunt on Thursday, but I am starting today because though I had a great time I feel sooooooooo bloated right now.
Also, I want to post to my journal every day. Just a little something to keep me going with little gratitudes here and there.
Hey. I'm feeling much better then I was on Monday (I think that was my last entry) . I bit the bullet and went to weigh-in today and gained 2lbs . I'm okay with it. I'm not mad. I know what I did. I will be joing WW (I currently do WW at Work) with my aunt next Thursday. I am going to recommit then.
Tomorrow I leave for Atlantic City. Mark and I are going childless for 3 days... I'M SO EXCITED!!!! We are meeting a friend of Mark's and his wife for dinner tomorrow night. That is the only plans we have. I may even take off my watch and just do whatever, whenever. Sleep, eat, drink and gamble..... ahhhh ... it's going to be so much fun! We don't have to check out until 12:00 on Saturday. Then off to the in-laws until Monday morning.
The only thing that will suck is that it is suppose to rain all weekend (thanks TS Ernesto!!). Mark and I don't care... it's dry in the casinos.... it's my in-laws that I worry about. They will have the girls. Ryan (12 ) will be fine, but it is the Diva that I am concerned about - Lindsay (4).... what a handful she is. Lins and I are going to have a long talk this weekend. Hopefully the rain will stop long enough so that they can go in the pool and tire Lins out.
Well, I am gonna get ready to leave work. Oh also, I'm having dinner with my two bestfriends (who are sisters) tonight.... it is going to be a good week!
By the way.... still no air conditioning here at work. I brought two fans in from home. We are able to wear casual cool clothes, so it is really not that bad, but because the air is not being circulated it is starting to smell like feet in here.... the mailroom is horrible... thank goodness I don't work in there!
I just need to go home and go back to bed. First, I wrote this long whinney post about my weekend, then I hit the preview button to read it. Nothing came up and I hit the back key and I lost my long ass post. Second, I'm here at work and the air conditioners are not working. If they are not working by 10:00 I'm out of here - I'm not in the mood.
So this is what I was going to post.... I pulled out the scale yesterday... I know, I know bad Jen. I was feeling really great, thinking wow - I am doing great, I feel great. Now, I felt like I needed some approval, I stepped on the scale and I am 216!!! What the hell is that?!?!? The last time I weighed in at WW I was 208. I couldn't sleep last night because I kept thinking - what am I doing wrong?? Why can't I lose weight?!?! I am just so mad at everything. The sad part was that I was feeling great and proud of myself until I stepped on that "f"ing thing.
I am not quitting though. I counted all my points for today. Right now I am having yogurt (1), strawberries (1) and Kashi Good Friends (3) for breakfast. For lunch I am having a big salad with leftover grilled chicken (4) and a creamy dressing (4). I have grapes (1), melba toast (2) and lite cheese wedges (2). That will leave 8pts for dinner, plus the 2pts I will earn from going to Curves this evening.
Hey. I'm feeling much better then I was on Monday (I think that was my last entry) . I bit the bullet and went to weigh-in today and gained 2lbs 
. I'm okay with it. I'm not mad. I know what I did. I will be joing WW (I currently do WW at Work) with my aunt next Thursday. I am going to recommit then. 
) will be fine, but it is the Diva that I am concerned about - Lindsay (4).
.... the mailroom is horrible... thank goodness I don't work in there!