Today I didn't want to write my feelings or about the food that I ate yesterday. Or I wanted to write them in a way that would be directed to other people...only the perfect stuff. But, that's not what I intended when I started to blog. I want this to be honest and about my thinking - even if it makes me stand back and look at myself in a negative way. Maybe I'll start getting on the right road if I'm honest.
I have issues with losing stuff, even journals, food journals, etc. So, this is also a way to keep organized.
I'm starting to see myself as slightly insane with the food. Wake up - seeing food does not mean that I have to eat it. Knowing my problem, I raised my girls to "listen to their signals." They even say, "My signals tell me to stop eating." I never listen to my signals and rarely ever have. Even when going on weight watchers or some such diet program, I would eat my points and finish my points but not when I was hungry, just anytime. I would lose weight by stopping eating after my points were done even if was at 10 am. That doesn't work for me anymore. I want to be a normal person who stops eating when she is comfortably full. Period. I didn't have to eat those leftovers from my sister's trip to the Cheesecake Factory. I wasn't even hungry.
Today's food - oatmeal (2sv), milk (1sv) Pear, banana, tiny chunk of that last piece of cheesecake, coffee, 1/4 of a soft pretzel (WHY?) I know I was full when I ate the cheesecake and soft pretzel. WHy did I eat it? Is it boredom? If so, how do I fix it when there are times when I need some downtime.
All is well with my husband and I. It was helpful to get feedback. I was able to look at him and react to his making-up with objectivity and sort of an understanding. He's back to himself - calling to get the order from Drug Store.com and wanting to know what I need. Worrying over me and making sure I have enough migraine meds. I really want to focus on the good stuff.
Asking opinion about relationship - you don't have to be on my side...
Not happy with my husband. He wanted me to come up and "talk"- so he says- to him the other night and I was in the middle of a good book - plus I wasn't feeling good - we had just gone out to a great restaurant and I had way too much to eat. Let's be clear that I rarely say no and it was 1:30 am. He decided not to speak to me. He said he had taken me out to dinner and had shared his own personal gift cards with me to take the girls out. That he had helped me out with a situation and that I should have spent some time with him at the end of the night. As what? Repayment? I was reading a Charlaine Harris book and wasn't even thinking that this decision to read a book would garner such a reaction. So, he decides to basically shun me - and not for the first time. Since Saturday, he has decided not to speak to me and throws in some rude comments in addition to his dissatisfaction. Okay, I admit that I lost my dignity and threw some of my own rude comments in the mix.
Then, he brings up (for the tenth time) the fact that he doesn't take me out because, over five years ago, I gave our about to expire gift card to a friend since we didn't seem to be using it. He now uses this as an all purpose excuse to never ever go out for the evening with me. He also threw in that I have a bad memory and never remember anything - this is somewhat true that I don't clearly remember events but it doesn't stop me from holding a great job and being a great mom. He will throw this at me every argument - for what?
This is a guy who will see a need in me and will automatically buy me the item to fill the need - workout clothes, a new coat, a down comforter because I am cold. He doesn't smoke, drink, play around. He doesn't have any friends because he doesn't want them. He likes to hang out here in the house with me. I have a feeling he is trying to control me with this stopping talking - but I truly don't know how to handle it.
Food today - since it is so difficult to do that food log option, I'm going to put it in my personal blog.
1 cup of 1% milk 3/4 cup dry oatmeal
1 apple
2 pointless servings of nacho chips
1/2 cup 1% milk in 1 large coffee
1/4 cup navy beans 1/4 cup barley 1/8 cup tomato sauce
1/2 soft pretzel
I'm already at like 1400 calories and it is only 12:30.
Exercise is not the Problem - What is the problem?
I've spent the last five years in a regular exercise program. Admittedly, the first four years could be called "Slow Lazy Walking under the Guise of Actual Exercise." However, the last year and a half have been very good with regular attendance at a gym and actual sweating! I don't like to get up early or the effort it takes to get to my gym and then head to work - but I do like to be there. So, exercise is not a big problem for me. The food program, created with a nutritionist, is not the problem. Her input regarding adding more fat and protein along with increased veggies and fruits (as opposed to carbs, carbs, carbs) to my diet is very helpful. I have changed my eating habits due to her suggestions and encouragement. She probably wonders why I didn't come back after a few months of seeing her every week.
The problem is that I just keep eating and eating. I think about food a lot - obsess about where it is in the house and when I am going to eat it. I want to eat it in the car, eat it at my desk, eat it morning and night. If I am at a party, any good intentions are thrown out the window. I can say that at this point in my life, I don't even like food. When I look at a cookie, I think about the way I will feel when I finish off the whole pack. I still eat the cookie and the whole pack. I hate what food does to me and my reaction to it.
What's my answer? I don't know. I am 43 and instead of gaining more control as a byproduct of getting older/wiser, I find myself losing more and more control of my habits.
I hope I can look back on this blog in a year and say look how far I have come. I like to click on the blogs of the success stories and go to their first post. It's very comforting to see their beginnings and where they are now.
For today, my goals are exercise (Done), eat a reasonable breakfast (Done), eat lunch, snack, and dinner without picking in between. Go over to my friend's party and have a diet soda and anything vegetable or not to eat at all. Put an hour into cleaning the basement. I just want to feel successful about this one day today.
So, I join a weight loss initiative called, creatively enough, The Biggest Loser. I schedule our time with the group leader to be weighed, measured, etc. Since it is free, I knew I would be pitched to get a personal trainer, but I haven't, so far, seen the value of the free trainer - more on that another time. Thinking that this is my big chance to lose weight - I do something that I absolutely hate - have myself a big finale before beginning the program. What's the deal with that? Why do I mistreat myself like that? Did I have to eat those Klondike bars? I would like to explore that part of my personality to find out why I needed to do that. I ate those bars, bought for my daughter's birthday party, with the purpose of ending junky sweets promptly on the next morning. However, my weigh-in was for 11:30 on Monday and that little "Id" managed to convince me that I should have two more Klondike bars in the morning.
The weigh-in turned out to be fine with no big surprises. I felt so motivated that I worked out for 45 minutes. It felt great. I was already to follow my self-created weight loss plan - a combination of a bunch of health ideas from books and magazines. I was so prepared - joined the program, created a weight loss program, went shopping for the healthy food. I even prepared to kill those cravings with semi-sweet chocolate chips. I don't know how it all fell apart. I stayed up later than usual because of the girls' sleepover and ended up having two more Klondike bars before I went to bed.
So, here I am on Tuesday morning, hoping that I will stick to my healthy new eating program throughout the day. Why can't I be sure of myself? Why can't I be certain that today will end with feelings of success and not guilt?
I am going to just focus on this one day - not my big program and goals- just this one day. And I commit here to take care of myself, treat myself like a precious person who deserves good health - for just this one day.
