So, in 1987 I went to one OA meeting which was scary but I knew I had no place else to go. So, I went went to a second meeting, and a third and and so on.
As I continued my journey in OA my weight came off, slowly but surely. I made a lot of changes in how I was eating. First I quit eating between meals, it was the easiest thing I could do. No one mandated it, it was just a suggestion. It was hard at first but as time went on it got easier and easier.
During this time I continued to work with the dietician at the hospital program. OA doesn't endorse any diets or eating plans and I knew I needed the structure of something to follow so I continued to go with what was working.
I gradually let go of 'problem' foods such as 'recreational' sugar and 'white' flour products. I read labels and if sugar was listed as higher than 5th ingredient I didn't eat it. I let go of all breads, pastas, creamed soups, etc. I replaced sandwichs made with bread to those made with rice cakes. I made other changes to my life and I lost weight, 25 pounds, 50, 75, 100, 110. I was thin!
I also got into therapy to address some issues that had come up during the weight loss process.
I've always had weight issues. I can remember being told I was chubby as a child, overweight as a teen and obese as an adult.
Growing up we never had much junk food in the house as it was one way to keep me from eating it or so my mother thought. Little did she know I got it elsewhere and as soon as I had my own money I bought it for myself.
There were attempts at weight loss, weight watchers, children's hospital weight control program, Richards Simmons. Nothing had any lasting impact, lose a few and gain a lot.
In 1980 I was put on prednisone to treat severe asthma and that's when my weight got really bad. I knew one of the side effects of prednisone was appetite increase and weight gain so I used it as an excuse to eat and eat and eat and eat. After all my addict mind told me my eating was out of my control, it's the medicine, not me. My the mid 80s I was well above 200 pounds.
During this time I tried to get life insurance from my employer. I'd had my job about 4 or 5 years and discovered I'd neglected to sign up for life insurance when I was first eligible so in 1987 I decided to apply. Of course, I was turned down due to steroid dependant asthma and CHRONIC MORBID OBESITY. So, here I am 26 years old and denied life insurance. Plus the diagnosis of CHRONIC MORBID OBESITY scared the HELL out of me.
One day around Easter in 1987 I called a friend and said 'would you go to an OA meeting with me?' I knew she would as she had a brother who got clean and sober in AA and she loved me enough to do whateve it took to help me out. So, off we went.
I'd been to a couple of OA meetings in '84 or '85 with a neighbor but it just wasn't my thing. I wasn't ready at that time and didn't go back.
Fast forward to '87. I'd just been diagnosed with sleep apnea and the doctor's remedy was, you guessed it, weight loss. He sent me to a hospital based program of nutritional education and behavior modification in a group setting. I went and it worked for a couple of weeks. As time went on, however; I went back to my old habits.
I remember one day going to get weighed, and showing a gain. I looked at the dietician and said 'I don't know if I'll be back. I'm tired of wasting both our time and my money' got off the scale and left. I didn't know what I was going to do, but knew that this wasn't working.
Well, my food was pretty good yesterday until I got home from the gym.
I did 55 minutes on the elliptical and when I got home I ate a bag of 94% microwave popcorn.
Dinner was Salsa Chicken, chicken breast dredged in taco seasoning, covered with chunky salsa and baked along with smoky chipotle rice. Then, the trouble starts, a Skinny Cow ice cream sandwich, a small fruit cup and a small sugar free pudding cup.
So, as you can see many of my problems are of my own making but I did at least work out.
Accd'g to my HRM (Heart Rate Monitor) I burned 491 calories, 35% from fat. I also drank almost 64 oz water so at least moved my fat ass.
I had my trainer weigh me yesterday and it wasn't pretty.
242 1/4.
Yes, up about 17 pounds in the last couple of months or so. It has been caused by eating out, working overtime and no exercise. Oh, and alcohol consumption. I believe I've had more to drink in the last 2 months than I've had in the last year.
My therapist and I talked about about my weight yesterday. She's a huge 12 step supporter and believes that overeating is an addiction. I can't argue with that logic.
I eat like an alcoholic drinks. It's that simple.
The recovery process, however, is not.
So, for today I'm documenting my food in an attempt to 'be real' about what I'm eating. So, here goes...
B'fast: 1/2 c skim milk w/1 cup Special K, approximately 3 points. Small dole pineapple cup, 1 point. 1 tortilla with 1/2 tablespoon peatnut btter, approximately 2 points.
Lunch: Lean Cuisine Swedish Meatballs, 2 cups brussel sprouts and 1 small sugar free pudding cup.
Dinner is Salsa Chicken with smoked Chipotle rice and a skinny cow ice cream sandwich.
Yep, I'm a greedy old thing and it's costing me in workout time.
I worked 48 hours this past week and only made it to the gym twice. Although the additional 8 hours of pay benefits me it costs me in other areas.
I find myself too tired to hit the gym after a 10 or 12 hour day, too tired to cook or do anything other than lie on the sofa.
So although I am in need of extra money I have decided that after today I WILL NOT be working 10 to 12 hour days. It's not worth it emotionally or physically. I'm tired, I'm cranky and I HATE guests. (I am in the customer care dept of one of the largest hospitality companies in the industry).
I am tired of receiving letters with zip lock bags containing pubic har supposedly 'found' in the tub drain, or dead bugs guests supposedly 'killed' after finding them in their room.
I am tired of people complaining about things such as 'Hurricane Katrina RUINED my vacation, I want a refund.' As though I can control the freak'in weather. Hey people, get a fuckin' clue. It's not my company's fault that YOU chose to travel during hurricane season. Ever wonder why that $200 plus per night hotel room is selling for $100? Figure it out dumb ass, you travel during hurricane season, rooms are cheap, flights are cheap and the threat of storms is GREAT.
So, after that rant I think it's clearly time for a day off or at last an 8 hour day as opposed to 10 or 12 hours.
So here's the deal. I need to make a committment that I will work out 3 times next week, twice in addition to my training appointment on Monday. This past week I worked out once in addition to my regular appointment and felt SO much better.
Sorry about ranting and raving, I'm overtired and perhaps should keep my mouth shut and my fingers from moving over the key board.
I love myself enough today to make good food choices.
It's a real bitch. I am torn between my desire to workout and get healthy and my desire for overtime. It's a hard choice as OT pays, I can make $200 plus in just 8 hours.
It' s cutting into my workout time, but damnit I'm greedy. I need the cash right now.
Only 2 more days of OT, I promise...
I will take care of myself today by not putting food in my mouth which is detrimental to my well-being.
There, I've said it. I have admitted the unmanageability of my life.
That's hard for me to do.
I can give examples of unmanageability. Flying off the handle at the smallest little mistake. My inability to plan meals more than a few hours in advance.
My lack of desire for exercise and healthy eating. I fantasize about weight loss and what I'll do when I achieve my weight losss goal but do nothing towards getting there.
I believe I've hit my bottom. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired.
I don't want to live like this anymore, a slave to my cravings and desires for food. I'm tired of trying to fill that black hole inside of me with food. I think I've finally figured out that there isn't enough food in the world to fill it.
Now, the question is...what am I willing to do to feel better?
