I had a crazy scale moment this morning. When I first stepped on it, it read 213, I said there is no way. So I tried again and it said 219, and I said...there is no way! So I moved it and it said 217, okay I can live with that, and I tried again and it said 215. I moved it all over the bathroom floor and the most consistent reading was 215. I take that! Crazy scale.
The little one and his daddy are visiting the grandparents so I have a whole day to myself. I worked 7 days last week and I am tired. Today I must clean, I did so little of it all week. I had very long days everyday, I get up every morning at 4:40 and leave the house by 6:20am to take the kids to school and daycare and then I am off to my destination of the day, I travel mostly everyday for my job. I usually pick up my daughter between 5-5:30, and then pick up my son and then drive home. It is usually @ 7 when we get home. It is a bit tiring somedays. So cleaning took a back seat to sleep.
Well down 5 pounds since last Friday and I have no idea how I did it. Trust me I'm not complaining. I did start eating dinner, I think the paln the doc had me on was not enough calories.
My pants are getting looser, it's so exciting. I look forward to having to buy some new clothes in a smaller size, it's been at least 7 years since I was a size 18, all the old stuff has to be way outdated, but you know I still have it, he he.
A lady that I work with that I haven't seen it a couple of months, she asked me if I was losing weight, and that I looked great. Wow, that was inspiring. I was @ 240 in May when I started to lose the weight so I am down 24 pounds since she saw mw last.
No sleeping in today, the little one is an early riser. I'm repaying Dad the favor from yesterday, he let me sleep in so it's his turn today. And besides he did lots of physical work yesterday and he was very tired last night.
I walked for about 40 minutes yesterday. I grabbed DS and the stroller and off we went, walking outside is more exciting than the treadmill. For some reason when I get on the treadmill I watch the clock like crazy and time seems to go sooooo slow.
I ate dinner yesterday, I felt better in the evening. I hope to have a really good week of weight loss next week. I can do it, I know I can.
I got to sleep in this morning, I haven't been able to do that in months. It's hard to sleep in with a 2 year old. Thanks Dad!!
Thanks for the comments! They really help to keep me motivated.
I was reading a blog this morning and I felt compelled to keep reading until I had read it all. It could have very well been me writing it, it was scary. I have so many of the same thoughts and struggles. And she has persevered and made it to her goal weight.
I have to get in the exercise this week. I've been walking but with no commitment or consistency. I think that the doctors recommendation about not eating supper may be a bit too much. I'm worried that I am not eating enough and that may be one of the reasons I am so lethargic. I read a lot about the 6WBMO on line last night and it seems that more people are for it than against it. So I ordered it, hopefully between the phentermine, the program, and the wellbutrin I'll be able to do this.
Why does lying to yourself have to be so easy? That is what I did everytime I looked in the mirror. Shame on me, perhaps if I had hit myself with reality a long time ago I would not have let myself get out of control.
From reading that blog this morning, it gave me a little food for thought. Maybe that is why I am so mean because of the weight. Because I am not happy with myself and I would rather pick apart everyone else's flaws instead of looking inward. That is sad.
Thank you Lynette for your comment, it was a pleasure to read and to know that you'll be watching from over in Australia. I will keep up with your progress as well. I was glad to read that you and your husband went to counseling instead of giving up. I know it's not easy to live with someone who has so many issues. I never realized how much your childhood molds you. I had always been under the impression that "every man for yourself" and it's always your choice. It is always your choice but sometimes you don't have the tools in your toolbox that you need to handle things. Counseling has been very eye opening.
My big brother... I love him and was never able to understand him until recently. It has brought us so much closer. I feel like we are on our way to the relationship a brother and sister should have. He sent me a text message from work last night and it said "I love you sis, thanks for everything. I promise I'll make it up to you and some." He owes me a lot of money that's for the making it up to me.
Dinner last night. I wanted a garden salad, no dressing. He came back with a Caesar salad with chicken. I ate around all the chicken and cheese. He tries, and he says just go ahead and eat it. Now that would have been easy wouldn't it. But I didn't, yeah me. And that chicken sure smelled good.
I have drank nothing but water for an entire week, and I am still alive....surely miraculous he he.
I was glad the the "diet" doctor prescribes the Wellbutrin, I've thought for some time that maybe I needed an antidepressant. Life seems so stressful at times. I think a lot of the deep dpwn unhappiness stems from the weight and the self-esteem. My energy level is so low. I really have very little once I get home from work for the kids, and that makes me feel guilty. And the energy to come home and cook dinner and then clean up the kitchen, which makes me feel guilty. It's a terrible cycle.
The spit phase...my 2 year old has discovered how to spit, and he spits on everything and it drives me crazy! What is the fascination? He is such a boy!
My soon to be 10 year old is in the attitude "I know everything" phase. So it can be trying at times. She spent the summer with her grandparents and I'm thinking that may have not been such a good idea. I believe she had free reign all summer and know she is back under the watchful eye of her parents. We'll get through it.
We are going out tonight, we haven't been out in ages. We have gotten an overnight babysitter for the children and are going to have a daye night and actually go out. We have so many things that we need to take care of around here but he insists that we go out because we need it. So we will go and have a good time and I will try and not worry about the things that need to get done around here. It will certainly wait for me, that's for sure.
I believe that is all for my miscellaneous ramblings for the day.
Well for a weekly weigh in I am down 7 lbs since last Friday, my official start date. Not too terrible. My goal for this week is to get more exercise in. I can do it, I know I can.
I finally got the prescription for the Wellbutrin yesterday, so I've taken it twice so far and today I feel very blah, at present I feel like I could throw up. Perhaps it is my body adjusting to the meds.
I weighed myself this morning and I am at 224.5, so that's 5.5 down from last Friday. I had wished for a quicker jumpstart than that. With eating so much less than normal my energy is way down. The doc says to make breakfast the biggest meal of the day so I have been eating cereal, cottage cheese, and fruit and then for lunch I have been having a Subway sandwich that falls into the under 5 grams of fat category. I am addicted to the sweet onion chicken teriyaki sandwich, which is okay because it's like 370 calories and 5 grams of fat. I also like the Subway Club. And then the doc says to eliminate supper with the exception of non startchy vegetables. I've been eating cucumbers and green peppers. I'm not real crazy about plain salad so I haven't been eating any of that.
I have totally wrapped my life around my family because they accept me. I feel awkward in social settings and am generally very shy because I don't want to be noticed. Now I have always been that way even at 135 lbs. So I don't know where this all fits together but somewhere it all makes sense. Perhaps in the "Denial" River where I spend most of my leisure time drifting softly and slowly into oblivion.
THE ADJUSTER - The one who is never bothered by what is happening; there is no reason to be excited because everyone had to lie with family problems.The child never becomes too attached to goal or a desire because they have learned to change their direction at any moment.They float, knowing something is wrong but coping, often successfully, with one chaotic situation after another by surrendering their identity to the needs of the moment.
This is me, an adjuster. It comes from growing up in a dysfunctional alcholic home. It is why I can one day make a goal and the next day move on without giving it another thought. I'm really weird that way. I've been in relationships before where one day I just said I'm done with putting up with this and I walked away with out a tear without regret, nothing...I turned off my ability to feel in that situation. I'm really good at that, pretending that is. A wise friend of mine once said that I could be in the middle of the lake (of "denial" perhaps) in a boat that was sinking, bailing out the water and if someone asked if everything was okay I would say yes and that I had everything under control. I have a problem, I cannot ask for help, it makes me feel like I have failed. I cannot ask for help because I do not trust. I am a strong independant woman that doesn't need help because that is what I learned from my mother. For the 31 years of my life I thought my mother was the strongest woman in the world and how inspiring she was to making me the same type of person who could handle everything and not have to lean on anyone else. My mom was like that because she didn't trust anyone. Isn't it crazy how things manifest into your children in ways that you never thought possible.
I have a need to control things because it's my way of getting it right and I often have feelings of anger when things are out of my control. And let's get this straight there are so many things out there that I cannot control and I need to let it go.
The good news is that knowing is half the battle. I now know why I do the things I do. I can catch myself before I do the things that are hurtful to others. I have a knack for hurting people by saying certain things and I have the gift of sarcasm which makes it that much more worse.
Self-healing: I want to be a better person and I want to be a healthy better person. I don't want to hide behind my body anymore. It's hard to pick yourself up by the bootstraps and get going.
After I lost my mom, I made a promise that I would lose all my extra weight in a year. And three weeks later I received a gift surely from heaven. I was pregnant. It was unplanned and I had said for years that I only wanted 1 chilld. Sometimes the most precious gifts are the ones we didn't know we wanted. Being pregnant helped me through the grieving and gave me hope. We named him Matthew, which means "God's Gift", when I saw the meaning I knew that if we had a boy, his name had to be Matthew. I certainly did not lose the extra weight but gained even more. I really made an effort to watch my weight this time. I gained 18 pounds which is about the range for my size, I already had the fat stores packed on. I breastfed him for 9 months because I believe that is the healthy way for the little ones. I did not diet while I breastfed. Now he is 2 and I still didn't diet.
So here I am, all 224.5 pounds of me, ready to make a change. I need to honor that promise to my mother, even though it's a little late, I'm sure she would understand. She really worried about my health at the weight I was. But she always said you're my girl and you are beautiful. I sure miss her.
Now that she is gone and my father was never in the picture I feel like no one could ever love me as much. And for all you moms out there, you know that feeling. You will always love your child no matter what. It is the only love that is truly unconditional. It's hard not having that unconditional love wrapped around me anymore.
I've spilled my guts, shed a few tears while tying this and my stomach is starting to feel a bit better.
I've been reading through a lot of blog's today and hearing my own thoughts echoed so loudly is scary. For years I have been swimming in the river "Denial" The person that I see in the mirror is not the person that is truly standing there. I've denied to myself that I am this big. My ex-fiance used to tell me I was fat at 155 lbs, I weighed around 140 when we met. While I was pregnant with our child, I really packed it on, I was 211lbs a few days before delivery. I lost 40 lbs and then changed jobs to an ice cream store, I stayed at that job for 7 years and gained back to 244 lbs. What a nightmare. I also had another child within that time frame. I know that I gained some of the weight to spite him. I really only hurt myself. My current fiance has been very supportive, he is like 180lbs and I feel like a huge whale beside him. I often think that people are thinking why is he with her?
Self-esteem, what have I lost? I do noy socialize with my pre-fat friends because I am embarrased by what I look like. My mother passed away three years ago and it's been really tough. I started going to counseling a few months ago and have realized a lot of things. I think some of the side effects of growing up in an alcoholic home are some of the same reason why I am my own worst enemy. I'm afraid that my daughter's friends tease her about how big I am. That is embarrasing. I feel like I am less because I am more.
I know it is going to be so much work to lose all the weight. I sure hope I can be strong enough to win.
It's my 3rd day of dieting. It's going pretty good so far. I did get a script for phentermine on Friday so it is helping quite a bit. I'm supposed to be taking Wellbutrin as well but there was an issue with the pharmacy having to get prior approval so it hasn't been filled yet. I'm down 2.5 pounds since Friday. I have a BHAG. I want to be down at least 40 lbs by November 18th. I'm getting married so I need to lose that weight.
